Holding on to Allah's Rope

2012-01-26T04:55:00.002-05:00

- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah, I got the chance to talk to the friend referenced in my last post. We levelled things out, and eventually I could find nothing at fault in his observations. If I see a blue colored fish and I call it a different shade, am I wrong for calling it as I see it? I do not think that is the case, so what's done is done, and iA we both move forward with better understanding.

In other news, my dream machine PC is finally finis. The OS finally got activated, after some hassle with the product key (why a new, legit key would have issues is anyone's guess). It looks so awesome just sitting there, now I wonder what I'll use it for lol, games?!, but surely there's something out there, more productive, that could use all those gigs of RAM and giga's of CPU hertz. It's all good. I find lots of gratification in simply being a collector sometimes, even if that which is collected is not often used. Can it not exist or be held simply for the sake of what it is, without being tied to purpose? Just a reflection of my persona there.

I've been thinking of writing something entitled "This World and I":

a wisp on the wind; a leaf blowing away while the cold forces its way in,
carried aloft while flapping its wings; dreams, nearly lost, starved and paper thin;
paths they've tarried seem not like ones I can follow, ambitions they have seem
to me but foreign and hollow; loving the dollars and cents, grasping for power and
pence; my hold on this ground is tenuous at best, any moment its liable to give way
letting me be free of its gravity and at last finding of rest; I don't have the internal
flicker or frenzy, to prize myself for honor or respect to eyes not of mine directly;
my naysayers may say nay till they've reached their death beds, their words were
only ever echos from places unpaved, apparitions of coffins left unclosed; alas,
this understanding leaves me little company, outside of culture and a stranger to
society; I might reach here and there for someone to understand me, but too
often those attempts remain doors shut, holding par in the stead of tragedy; really
I find it to be about wavelength, never finding another one with the same strength,
hitting or missing, games of Russian roulette going on in the head; fortunately for me,
games they remain, never costing me an arm or leg, but simply a heart I can only
pay willingly; it is the price of admission after all, one can never be half-cocked or
stand half-tall; inevitably, my orbs turn to the future, a future I can't imagine,
studded with beauty and happiness at levels I can't quite fathom; a Hur, perhaps,
one I might toast with a wine hitherto unknown, delicious and peerless, beheld by
one with a glow, laced in silk, a sight befitting of thrones; such is the road painted by
my imagination, a thing this world could never offer without being strangled in
limitation; conformity is all they ask, a gift I can never give, enormous is its price,
when all I long for is without fetters to live.

2012-01-05T16:36:00.005-05:00

- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah, a new year has begun. As one might expect, as time passes, change becomes inevitable so it is usually better to embrace it and ready for it, than to spend a lifetime fighting it. Of course, keeping those changes for the better is always recommended.

Something that happened recently has been causing me some consternation, so I figure once I allow form to those thoughts, a solution might arise.

While having a deep conversation with a good friend of mine, he used puzzling terminology to describe some of my past behaviors. For reference, there have been times where we got into heated discussions about various topics, whether philosophical or practical, and I became so emotional that I would cease speaking of it. However, the weight of the topic would be so great, that I would resort to writing out my thoughts, as I am doing here, in order to properly convey my point/message. He could never understand why I was unable to simply give voice to those thoughts directly, why I could not just come out and say them to him. My answer was that I found the situation too infuriating/frustrating to speak coherently enough in such a state. I felt communication like that would be futile on my part.

His reply to that was that he thought my behavior resembled that of a woman, as no male person he knew had ever behaved in such a way.To truly grasp his sentiment, one would have to know that the friend in question was a relative isolationist, a self-professed "Vulcan" who had suppressed his emotions pretty much altogether from around high school onward (he is of a similar age, currently mid-late 20's). While offended by the unintended insult, I found it amusing that someone who inherently had such small emotional/empathetic capacity, would feel compelled to describe someone else that way. If I have a doctorate in physics, can I presume to tell someone who has a doctorate in medicine that his diagnosis of a patient is abnormal? Where does the "right" to speak on/from a completely different subject/background come from? Could a "Vulcan" have similar emotional capacities as a "Betazoid"? If not, and that would be logical to assume, then how in the hell can this "Vulcan" feel his notion of the "Betazoid"'s actions is even remotely plausible? I hope the frustration can be sensed through my words here, right in between the lines.

It should be noted that I know people, especially these days, love to speak on topics about which they know nothing or have little understanding/empathy for. However, one should feel safe in assuming that such ignorance from very close friends is something to be free of. Too much to expect? Probably; it is not something I am sure can solved quite so easily. At times these difficulties in bridging the gulf between my friend and I seem to bring into question the friendship itself. How important are commonalities in human relationships? Are they overstated or understated?

2011-11-21T19:02:00.003-05:00

- in the name of Allah -

Been a short while since my last posting, seems like forever as usual. As one my expect, I approach crossroads almost daily, sometimes making deals (a la Supernatural) and sometimes failing. I can't help but rhyme even when its sense is waning...ahhh, all of this is rhyming lol. t_t

The following is a something collected from about a month ago, and finished up just now. I need thoughts and prayers from everyone, please! May Allah reward all who do so with better, ameen.

(untitled)

These are the times, these are the ways, when vanities fall and get caught in the shade.

Aftermath after the fact, divisible indeed by 0 though it tramples on math,

Past the numbers and nature’s laws, I’m stuck in the teeth of a timeless tiger’s jaws.

Evident, inescapable, inevitable: “fate”, a spidery thread, woven in waves interminable,

An excuse, at times, for mistakes and inadequacies, misunderstandings and overstated fallacies.

Having its wings have broken and caved, which road follows the moth in order to be saved?

After all, there are so many candles, so many flames, burning brightly, promises of burial in suede,

Almost as if in its ending, life would carry more options & choices than its beginning.

Surprised I’m not, but cynics typically aren’t, still holding ideals while their antithesis remains apparent.

Please then consider, how the world is all a-twitter, a-bound and abased in spite all its glitter,

Futures of minerals and mammals on markets exchanged, taking guarantees from tomorrow for today,

One rich man’s life becomes worth a million of poor, after collateral damage the total is just a bit more.

…

I wish I could blame all of this infamy on my birth, but without all those choices I made, I’d remain just a drop of semen falling to earth. From dust I was made, and to dust my bones return, where my end is I can only hope, just wishing the path there wasn’t so damned absurd.

/end

2011-10-27T04:40:00.002-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

Strange times, these, when the mind can see paths clear as day and every thing, every piece of the puzzle of life falls right into place. No, my dunya is not settled; no, my wife is not found; no, my career has not materialized; no, I have not discerned the next step for me to take. Yet, what is this clarity I can speak of, if none of these are not on that path?

I think I have approached some irrefutable truths in life, truths I had not known before, but are critical in order for me to continue my progression in life.

Firstly: sometimes the brightest lights can only be seen from the darkest of depths. We cannot appreciate what tawakkul means until we are (or see a point) far removed from it. What is "tawakkul"? It is the Arabic term for 'reliance unto God', in all affairs. It is a sacred trust, that the believing servant invokes with He Who created him. I have difficulty imagining that I have the ability to affect every single change or wish in life - rather, this is frankly impossible. I do not possess neither the power or faculty for that. If I cannot do everything for myself, shouldn't I have a source of reliance, wherewith to place all of my fears and insecurities and wonderings? I could not have it any other way, and I find it unimaginable that there exist people in life who live as though they rule the ground on which they walk. Surely, that very same earth beneath their feet might not crumble or quake or explode in volcanic fury, right? Guarantees they have against it I'm sure; delusional, to say the least. Once we internalize the whole of our weakness, is when we can begin to find strength in reliance.

Secondly: There is the rope of Allah, and then there is the chain of the shayateen (devils). A rope is generally made as a means of assistance, carrying things, and pulling them up. A chain is generally made as a means of restriction, punishment in limiting one's freedom and mobility. Interestingly, a rope can also choke whereas a chain can also give lift in times of need. The parallels are chilling once I thought about it. Either one has a rope connected to Allah, or one is bound by a chain to a shaytan. The key is not to confuse one with the other, and not fall into any extremes which might lead to being bound by that which was supposed to save. How can one know which is which? If it leads you back to God, it is the rope; if it leads you back to yourself, then it is the chain. By leading back to yourself, I mean essentially that it serves its purpose by being a means of fulfilling its own wishes, vanities, whims. Even more interestingly, chains can be very well adorned, such as with jewelry and the like, so they may appear attractive and worthy of the wearer. Alas, they would not be, just fool's gold and a desert's mirage. Either you are reminded of your own subservience to God, or you are reminded of your own ego, slave to either the Creator or your own nafs/id. Sometimes a chain is not evident until it is too late, and it has wrapped itself around its wielder tightly at the time of death. Thought to be a source of pride and dignity in the face of men, it would be just a cement block dragging one down to the deepest depths. Conversely, a rope can easily cause burns if it moves too fast, or become a noose should extremes be approached. Unlike chains, ropes are generally not fanciful, and are unadorned with anything pleasing at first glance. Still, its long-term utility is far more preferable than the inevitable imprisonment offered by the chain.

iA, my words haven't obfuscated the meaning and message I intended.

2011-09-23T18:32:00.002-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

I have yet it seems to solve the mysteries of my being. Instead of going outward and seeking answers, I've lately just enforced a no-fly zone around my life, trying to keep all the dissonant forces out. Needless to say, this kind of embargo can't work and definitely can't last. Ironic as it seems, I yearn to be with and around people as I ever have, so this epoch does not appear to be as past ones, where isolation was sought for the sake of isolation.

How do people resolve their differences with life? How I wish to live and let live, is not something found often or ever in this life, and the few times I have tried assimilating, it has seemed almost a borg-like invasion of myself by every worldly impression trying to remove my identity and stamp its own in my place. I am definitely from this life, there are many I love and who ground me here, yet for all of that, I feel like I have never belonged in a time, a place, such as I do now. Before I might have said I felt I belonged to the most perfect of places, Jannah, but now I know with certainty that I'm far beneath such stature.

How much should people compromise with life, with their peers and bosses, to find that balance between self-expression and external structure? How many 'harsh realities' do we allow to substitute for our own ideals? How long do we hold on to these ideals, though like the rope mentioned in this blog's title, it might burn the hands of its holder?

One of my primary wishes out of life used to be finding a wife and being married. After a handful of failed attempts at this, and watching numerous other marriages either suffer or fall victim to gross inequity, I wonder just how far gone 'marriage' has become in society these days. Is it a toy, with which we play upon choosing, letting go when bored or found difficult? Of course, this is hateful to me. I still only wish to be married for me, not for any other reason. Alas, fathers of many a daughter see this singular desire as inadequate in securing their daughters' futures. The fact that such a logical, understandable objection on their part leads me further down into my foxhole of perceived rebellion and dissonance from the norm does not give cause for any celebration. I should be able to empathize with their position, to take the mantle of provider and guardian with gusto. Yet, I feel those positions of theirs are reinforcements of the very ideological constraints I hate and feel are uselessly imposed by weak, timid minds fearing the worst and unwilling to give time for hope to blossom. Should we have all the answers before we go for a test, or must those answers at times be found on the spot? Why do people insist on living in their own realities when it comes to their personal actions (and reactions), yet when spoken to plainly would champion causes of self-determination and manifest destiny?

I think I understand the rationale, but I do not yet accept it. Reasons as to how and why I should will always be appreciated.

~~~

Clouds and their rain, tears streaming down my mind's face, epically entrained, imagined beyond time or space,
rules just golden lances, pretty but of emotion hapless,
burst these bubbles, slowly let drift,
foam of oceans, count the short shrift,
questions abound in every eddy, answers arrive as typhoons aplenty,
the best road at treacherous depth, wisdom's pearls long safely kept,
drown or wallow, risk in both of waters deep and shallow,
truths buried perhaps too far beneath, praying for a soul not far out of reach.

2011-06-17T05:13:00.002-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

Been fighting over and over the same battles, so long that I thought I'd finally had them all handled, fooled I was, trodden and close to trampled, but look around - take a sample: all from the basic formulas that just keep on slipping through the cracks, in my fingers and hands, the gist of it all to make rights from wrongs and realities of dreams. How many times will I think I've figured me and this life all out, before come these thunderstorms to drown surety all away with doubt? Even as I fight time's passing in my own mind by thinking I have some left, the hourglass tips backward, broken, bereft, the grains being blown away by ideals unkept. I'm a fool, naive, thinking still to hold my own against society, against communal forces that shrink and shrivel persona until it bleeds the same colors and wears the same sleeves. Who am I, what is me, that dares make bold claims, thinking truth and what people need to hear are one and the same? How many fallacies will I have tripped over before I can finally see, discerning in this shrouded path my destiny?

My only company remains, prayers and pleas, eternally unchanged: to save others but also for myself to be saved, to gather hope in a jar and keep it from thieves and assassins afar, to hold tight and near my beloved and friends and parry for them all worse intent, that no matter how far I stray from the Straight Path my Rabb has both my hand and my back, carrying me when I can only falter and granting me roof when I've shunned all shelter, ameen...ameen...ameen.

2011-03-16T12:10:00.002-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

Overcast skies, burdened with rain, not yet falling but imminent any day, cloudy but promising, wondering how long and which way. Some threads I've held on to since my beginning, slowly shrinking, disintegrating, the anti-matter of reality with its penetrating beams of 'be-like-me-or-perish' - a fallacy at best to be sure, but unquestionably for now a perilous cancer to me without cure. Glass houses, idealism at its finest, crashing and collapsing every so often, soon I'll be without any molten base material to make more and be left houseless and mentally dampened.

I dislike pessimists, yet falling into such traps is a perfect devil's hampering. Caught in my own webs of personal conceit, unable to find a mirror for the life of me, wondering if I'm now villain or hero or beast, where's the U-turn on this remote to rewind these crumbling scenes? I want to muster love but can find no object, having always searched for someone to carry and fill my other half since the time I started without regrets. Speaking of which, they're (those regrets) are piling up high now, asking their own questions, poking and prodding, chasing after my potential lost without will to protect or invest in.

I need prayers and a fresh rope, one not nearly burned out, but full of light and hope, not shrouding in darkness or becoming even remotely heartless, but vibrant and strong enough to lead me past these times into a death worthy of life and purpose.

2011-01-18T09:02:00.002-05:00

- in the name of Allah -

As a sort of addendum to my last posting, my battle against the force of me that leans toward daylight and the force that leans toward nighttime continues (guess which I'm referring to, should be obvious I think). Having chosen night shifts as my main time of work is not really helping matters. I am truly in a state of flux and confusion.

Cracks, seams, sieves, slowly opening up things that bleed, arteries and veins, letting precious drops of life slowly leave. Where are my bandages whereby I may stop those silent thieves, disguised as advisers but apparent as deceivers and covert contrivers. My path is obvious but thorny, my vision shaken and my mind dulled and confused, the narcotic of allure continues its drip despite all my efforts to stem its melodic rhetoric. My guard lulled to sleep, my sense of day put to sloth, tiny little devils creep inside and leave easter eggs to find for me. People tell me I can control this, that I can choose when to rise or when to take rest, but what of the test when the body betrays the soul and goes off on its own? Likewise, when alert and awake, my soul does what it wills without contest, regarding not the duty to its flesh, fleeting ambitions of flames not worth even mention by name. My greatest enemy yet I fear is still me, illusions trapped in solidified crystal, deemed to be immaterially superior and still beneficial. If and when my illusions shatter, how would their matter be put back together finding form from whence they'd scattered? Without a shadow's doubt, all I will have, as I ever did, is my Rabb's grace holding my good in place, while slowly the worst and most evil is drained away. Here's to praying these fires are cathartic and blessings only felt painful but definitely helping and need-fulfilling. Ameen...

2010-12-19T04:42:00.003-05:00

- in the name of Allah -

The past month has been busier for me personally than the past year. Imagine that.

Alhamdulillah, some things that were my lifelong obstacles have been mainly overcome, namely: I now have a job, alh again. Those things are hard to come by these days, and I am fortunate to be one who is not in dire straights and yet has still acquired a certain measure of stability.

However, I find that certain elements of my persona are clashing with one another. I am at heart one who loves silence and contemplation, and often times this is done by being alone. On the other hand, I love conversing with people to find out what they know and how they feel and to read them as they are, things which usually require one to be around people, and frequent conversation. These 2 things appear as a paradox: how might they be resolved? Advice will be given much reflection iA.

Once I have recharged my batteries, I'll come back here to post something of my poetics iA.

2010-11-14T19:45:00.002-05:00

- in the name of Allah -

As the days and weeks and years slowly pass before my eyes, I am brought to sorrow for tears I cannot yet cry. A heart closed, made of stone, preserved underneath an icy throne, makes for such a regrettable tale: the loveless story of a simply mindless drone. I wonder when I'll ever catch again that whiff, to love or even hate, to be carried along such strong emotions adrift. Injustice abounds, contradictions everywhere, trying to find my place alongside people who sell themselves to fit as cogs in chains that shouldn't be there. Bound, eternally or for now, I wish I knew, every other thought I have is how I'm being held down and cannot escape from this prison I've been made in. I know the answers of imaan, but I cannot feel their strength, my other half is still missing, a desert in the ocean starving for heartfelt rent.

2010-11-10T01:14:00.002-05:00

- in the name of Allah -

So October rolled right on by and I turned 25, but yet I didn't make a post here that entire time. What a strange life indeed.

The job search continues, though I've had now a few interviews at one place, alhamdulillah. It looks like the people there like me, so that might work out; part time in the beginning and maybe full time down the road. Perfectly fine with me that is.

I really wish I could reach out to people more often. Not so much as to communicate what thoughts I myself hold, but rather to take in different perspectives that would freshen ones already stale. Among other news, I have found that I cannot let go entirely of all of my idiotic idealism that I had held in years past. A longing that grows ever more chasmic doesn't really let that be possible. What kind of soul would match my own? I have no idea.

Along my tedious journey in this life, I come across blatant madness and hypocrisy in the news cycles every now and then. Israel's government still says it wants peace but refuses to stop taking over Palestinian land and building new settlements. It's pretty obvious by their actions they only really intend to force out the Palestinians from every meaningful or close to meaningful peace of land in the old holy land. Why do people purposefully allow the injustice to continue? Are AIPAC's dollars so important to politicians that they would overlook the suffering of a people because it did not suit their interests? If basic human morality was not enough of a motivation, those kinds of people should remember that karma will catch up to them sooner or later; Hell wasn't made for just anyone after all. So much in media is done for the sake of display and showing off. When will people realize the failing in such self-serving and vain endeavors? Being true to everyone else but one's own self is the biggest delusion possible, and the longer it takes to recognize that, the deeper the regret becomes at the end. /end_mini_rant

In other news, I want to write something poetic. Maybe I will soon, iA.

2010-09-24T18:45:00.002-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

for the petal that got away

Years past since things have happened, what's changed?
I'm still wandering, aimless at times, with ambition chained.

I reached, I hoped, I desired, but it all fell flat,
For I was young, ignorant, knowing not this from that.

All I had was a singular vision, a name on the horizon,
One I thought peerless, a perfect complement to my amalgam.

Before then I had longed, and since then as well,
But nothing would compare, as much as I could tell.

What dreams have you dreamed, what sadness have you endured,
Where I couldn't give breath to your wings, washing your gleam till it was pure?

As I had wished back then, your life has moved along,
Holding back at last no happiness, making right all its wrong.

We're all only human, living out our fleeting lives,
But still, for failing my heart back then, I can but apologize.

2010-08-14T03:32:00.002-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

Sometimes to my being I can find no rhyme or reason, no obvious explanation or even covert meaning, things fall into and out of focus - a slipstream of semi-consciousness without end or observability. What are my fears that are consuming me from within, that prevent my growth and leave me subject to wind and whim? My job is not yet found, my soul seems left to wander, hating a world so full of contradictions, beauty and ugliness, love and hate, barely peace but plentiful war, selflessness but overflowing selfishness, demands of others yet none else's rights fulfilled, where ends this madness that's so deeply instilled? I think this is why I was so reclusive in the past, why I'd use to rather spend weeks on end, seeking in my imagination, where so easily I could tell foe from friend. In the "real" world, people's fallacies become just that much stronger and well-founded, they tell themselves their lies so often they are as illusions but compounded. How can I exist in such a world? Lies are hateful, treachery despised, scratching and clawing for material gain seen as more harmful than good, where do their paths lead them? I must fall in line, or so I think, and become a cog in that chain, seeking my little slice of pie, ready on the dime to fall or feign for another's deign. I am my own clown, my own puppet, barely able to dance to my own tune, how then could it sound right for me to sing a thing so untrue? I swear, the incongruities between myself and life only seem to grow with each passing day, as bills and material concerns press their hold upon my fray. People taste wealth, then they go mad over keeping it and gaining more and more, is this the road for me I want in store? The only care I've ever cherished, the thing most ever lasting, is a path to Jannah, with everything else but a window shop in glancing. Do you know what's there? What lies in wait in those gardens?: Endless shade, endless pasture, limitless contentment, limitless rapture; who could ever choose against such a trade, only by giving up so little to their only Master? I think I seek that spiritual path, but this world demands me of its materialism, caught between in rift not quite at all forgiving. Imagine then that I'd love my wife, want to give her all of good and nice, but how would I such a path go on, were it not on paper dollars drawn? How many women in the world, need less fortune, need less fame, to seek a path to spirituality plain? My reservations are plenty, my ambitions few, I stumble along this winding road, unsure of what I truly need not do.

2010-06-13T05:13:00.003-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

You and I, we're like flowers from two different seasons, blooming out of turn but fiercely with good reason. Our collision course just doesn't seem fated, at least not yet, as my path becomes a little thorny, what wisdom and sorrow combined might beget. At times it seems my place in life cannot mature fast enough, that I am too slow in catching its scent, that this fog that surrounds me every so often prevents my moving from one evolution to the next. If I were the moon, and you were the sun, we'd both rise in the same sky, but out of phase as one just ended and the other just begun. The depths of me, wherein the heart and its own rhythm reside, tarry to their own drums, not always a choice of mine. Where some things pull, and others might push, seeing myself in you is just insane for me, even if nothing's so far been rushed. They say girls mature faster than boys, but men sooner than women, am I right or wrong in this?, or have I just let the pattern become without thought unwoven?

2010-04-15T17:10:00.002-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

Looking forward while holding back, sometimes I wonder: just where am I at? I feel like I've moved past who I used to be yesterday, picked up the strands from tomorrow, but what is this shade I'm sensing, that's got me staring down a barrel short and narrow? Self-created anxieties, propelling myself out from within reality's endless beckoning, it's so much effort at times I think I'll just recede..let the clouds come back in play, take away the sunshine, take away the day..giving me back to night, back to when whim and mindlessness held sway. Though the path might be there for me to take, finding a better road in the mist ahead, how can what I am now be enough to clear me of dread? If anyone besides myself knew the extent of just how feeble my will could become, just how many circles my soul had once trod, they'd say I was one stuck in rewind, fated to play back only too late in time. I have purpose, like I've always had, like I've always felt, but now, none of what happens is in my hands: filling out forms, handing in resumes, the next step in my life has been just one long breath, till now delayed. It's almost deja vu, except I'm supposed to be wiser, supposed to fill in the blanks once my hopes held water, but with a glass near empty and a crack in the side, I'll have to make myself a new pitcher, if at least to parry the tide..

Wow, so that was what comes out after not having written in so long. At least calendars don't lie when it comes to being older. ><

2010-03-03T00:50:00.000-05:00

- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah, I passed! I feel a bit lighter now...

2010-02-27T01:04:00.002-05:00

- in the name of Allah -

So, here I am again. Perhaps to chronicle the development (or devolution) that's happened since the last time I posted. I can probably best sum things up by listing the things I've noticed and felt over the past month or so.

1. Some bridges don't need to be burned before being left behind. Sometimes, they just decay and fall apart all by themselves. I've noticed that many people I once knew now longer know me, or retain any connection to me. The same is certainly true of myself and others, but its more poignant when I bring my perceived isolation to the forefront. While I have a few great friends, people worthy of being called brothers, I realize that the sisters I knew (Islamically speaking), are fewer and much farther in between now. I used to (be able to?) chat online with so many different people over such diverse backgrounds over this past decade. However, it seems that aging has had an effect on me. I can no longer categorize my relationships with women in simple terms of friendship and potentiality (a term I just thought of to denote people who may be suitable to marry). Things are just too complicated. It's kind of sad. I really enjoyed knowing them. I wonder if I should ever find any such connection(s?) ever again. Allah would know better than I.

2. Some things, no matter how much we want them, may still lie out of our grasp. This board exam is truly kicking my butt. I've taken it a few times, and probably because I cannot devote half the time I 'should' to its study, I end up having difficulty. I feel like its all in my head, that should my mindset or approach towards it change, I can overcome it. However, when or how this would happen, I have next to no idea. Self fulfilling prophecies and the like just haven't been good for me lately, as the most frequent emotion that accompanies me is self doubt: doubt of my intentions, doubt of my worth as a human being, doubt of my ability to affect change in myself much less other people. These are weekly tangents I approach with some evenhandedness. It's not usually to the point of depression, but I'm sure the point can be made without having to mention it directly. I can only really continue to pray and seek Allah in some sort of path out of this cloudy time.

3. Sometimes, you really don't have to face the most obviously difficult moments, to find yourself in a truly trying time. For instance, now. I have the basic amenities the 'third world' would clamor for. I have things people dream of, and yet the greatest obstacle, which for all of them is outside of themselves (hunger, poverty, socioeconomic turmoil, etc), for me is my very own self. From how I see life, I do not think there can be anything more resilient to being overcome than the nafs. Being a part of the human being, it never really goes away. It questions, it rebels, it doubts, it hungers, it flies, it sleeps, it loves everything but what it needs most. In sum, the greatest enemy I'll ever face, aside from Satan, who is my nafs' most potent ally, is me. I should take more lessons on overcoming the self. It could really do some good.

~~~

2010-01-26T23:15:00.003-05:00

- in the name of Allah -

Sometimes when I look down, peering at puddles past, it all seems so small, such a melancholy round. An earth with no neighbors, out of touch from other kinds of life, struggles alone, carried by a dream and hope inside. So many little pieces and puzzles, fitting and flitting, whirring and whizzing, meshing while totally mistaking, where's their direction? Such small desires, a plate of warm food on a cold night, the familiar scent of a familiar sight. Where's my cue in all this hectic hither-tither, to push or pull, to lay down my arms or pull the trigger? So many road signs, posted just below the vision, just out of sight, just about taken for granted, while people, including myself, run around pretending we're prophets of times past, our Tablet being our forsaken inhibitions.

Oh God, Oh Allah, Oh Fashioner of the Heavens and Earth, Oh Everliving, Oh Everlasting: I beg thee - save me from my self, from all of this. Ameen.

2010-01-20T11:51:00.003-05:00

- in the name of Allah -

Of all the idiotic things I've ever read in the news or television, this has to be right there at the top. When you read this, remember the title of the article: "Islamic Solidarity Games cancelled over Gulf dispute".

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/8465235.stm

They cancelled the "Islamic Solidarity Games" because the Arabian states wanted the Gulf referred to as 'Arabian'...not 'Persian' as it was called by Iran.

What the f*ck is that about? So much for solidarity. So much for idiotic "Muslim" countries even pretending that they're supposed to Muslim brothers. God, what a bunch of fucking retards. /pardon the language.

2009-12-19T16:54:00.003-05:00

- in the name of Allah -

As the heaviest snow I've ever seen falls outside, I'm reminded of something I read in a book recently. It was a supplication where the Nabi (saw) asks Allah to wash his sins with "water, snow, and hail". I can't say I've ever thought of snow or hail having purifying qualities, but looking at simply how beautiful and marvelous it looks outside, I can kind of understand. So how does beauty lend itself to purification? Like how on the Day of Judgment everything would be destroyed and remade anew, that is sort of what snow does. Since its so cold, not many bacteria can thrive in it, if any. When it melts, it becomes water which washes away whatever it was frozen over. All of the grass, pavement, dirt, even the trash thrown carelessly on the ground by people, all of it gets covered and hidden, and only a cold, powdery blanket of snow is seen.

It's really marvelous when you think about it.

2009-12-01T01:17:00.002-05:00

- in the name of Allah -

late night, hidden from moonlight, no candles lit, bathed in darkness, I'm remanded to a path of crystalline clarity wherein a Provider blesses me with sight. no, I can't see the future, or even the palms of my own hands, the only thing apparent to me, is beneath the nomad's feet a path of desert sands. I'm just a traveller, passing through, not well attached, trying just as much as I need to do. my wisdom is slight, my knowledge imperfect, my vision shortsighted, my nafs subversive. so, if in myself I have nothing of worth, nothing that could stand alone, nothing that can see in darkness, nothing able on its own, where is my end and what is my goal? I'm hoping and praying for an end in gardens underneath which rivers flow, and perchance being granted a mercy that'd bring stone to tears, melting the ice in hearts of foes.

2009-11-25T12:56:00.003-05:00

- in the name of Allah -

Let me relate to you a little story, a small echo of self-revelation. There once was man, who walked every day across railroad tracks, in his mind a feat of no small making. Any day or anytime, whenever he chose to walk across those lines, there'd be no trains, or he'd walk off calmly in the nick of time. "My, what luck I must have, what fortune from my veins must bleed, walking howsoever I please", and so he walked one day back to his home, such thoughts ringing in his soul down deep. Not a stone's throw from his front door, still thinking the very same self-praise, he hummed his best tune, just as a car mowed him down were he but a blade of grass, helpless and thrown out with the trash.

2009-11-17T10:31:00.002-05:00

- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah, I have returned. After a 2 week hiatus overseas, its nice to be back to places where things are so much more familiar. That's not to say I wasn't able to pick up a few tidbits of wisdom along the way, but there's something about 'home' that makes it such an attractive place to be.

As might be expected, I can recount my blessings and fortuity with much greater clarity than before I left. Though living conditions there had improved generally, there were still occasional and sometimes prolonged power outages. The fact that water had to be pumped (as opposed to having it constantly pressurized) was also a cause for concern at times.

All in all, I'm glad I went, and in spite of my hesitancy, was able to come back with something worth remembering. Alhamdulillah.

2009-10-23T03:54:00.002-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

(shapeless thoughts)
I could take words from the deepest depths
Or straddle syllables on the highest cliffs
But every time I'd try
All you would see are ancient glyphs

My story hasn't yet ended
The life goes on
Truth decays into commodity expended
And to our present, allegiances are sworn

I need to feel, more than anything else
To be at least alive, walking, breathing, myself

But as of now, my sight is clouded
Hidden without discipline, by apathy enshrouded

As is my sight, my soul becomes
Opening and closing at whim, an outdated serum

Reach out, reach back to me, let me find
That we're all still people, not as animals
Killing and maiming, chasing in kind
Each other's legacies,
Our own blades dropping in gold, a blood-made-wine

It's a catastrophe that to prepare for peace
One should ready for war
Where's our nature going, from where's it come,
When blood is our past, when blood is all that's in store?

Yeah, I know my problems are tiny, almost below radar
But even I sense them
Since even from them I'm actually quite far

I'm at a place self-preserved
Where emotion is a glacier without reserve
Hearts are lost, minds confounded
For they've lost all their nerve

There's no spunk, no vitality
Just a deep dark lake,
Pouring out timeless death for all to see.

////

2009-10-14T03:03:00.004-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

Happiness is often one of the most elusive things in life. Sometimes it lands right in front of you without any effort; other times, you can work for years searching for the fruits of your labor and still nothing becomes of it.

One of the main reasons happiness is so elusive is because people go about searching for it the wrong way. You would think that happiness might be found in fulfilling your desires and wishes, right? It would make sense to say that if people had what they wanted, they would be happy. Reality, however, points us in a different direction. It isn't uncommon to see the rich and famous struggle to find fulfillment in their lives, to try and buy it from any and every possible source. It also wouldn't be hard to find a poor person who is happy with what they have. So, what really leads a person to happiness? Is it his or her rebellion against what is perceived as prescribed fate, or perhaps their apparent acquiescence to its decree? I honestly think both of them would be at a disadvantage: one would rebel forever and become able to find solace in not even the most obvious of things, while the other would eventually lose even the most basic of ambition to become better or find a better station in life.

The question arises again, then. How do you find happiness? The easiest and truest answer I could give someone lies in a single word: I s l a m. Translated into English, that would be: submitting one's self to God. A very wise person once said that it may be that what you like is bad for you, and what you dislike is good for you. If we judge everything that we perceive according to our own soul/ego, how could we ever find those things that are in fact the best for us...by ourselves? I don't think we ever could. The road to happiness is often times a solitary road, but not a lonely one. Once the realization is found that happiness is pretty much with God/Allah alone, the only step to take is forward, towards Him. Let there be no delusions about how difficult the path will be, about how sometimes things couldn't seem to get any worse. Life was made with both its ups and its downs. Indeed, with every hardship there follows ease.

After writing all of that, no doubt I need to reflect on it myself. It scares me sometimes how little I can be contented with, how trite and meaningless seemingly huge goals that other people have are to me, for me. Deep down, since as far back as I can remember, I was someone who loved fairness, hated inequality, prefer innocence even in its invariable absence. There was no meaning in the bullying people did, no meaning in calling people names, no meaning in carrying on with fistfights. Why? Because a just world, or rather a just people, needed none of those things. Happiness was as simple and easy and giving someone you did or didn't know a genuine smile. There are times when I still prefer the innocence of youth to the supposed wisdom of age and/or cynicism. Those times are long gone, but sometimes it was just like yesterday.

The only thing for me to do is put the earnest foot forward, seek the truth openly, and leave the rest to God.

2009-10-06T02:39:00.003-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

quiet rain

as my various realities
come bearing down on me
I give pause to thought
"how long must this be?"

if I dared gaze at what has past
no doubt I'd drown
in sins and emptiness and regret
piled on high from sky till ground

a different lesson I'm learning
tales of ancients you might say
is that to forge a new path
sometimes you must lose your way

I'll be the first to recollect in curiosity
to muse at what could have been
had I been as wise back then

but but, before my aim is lost
before I reach for fruits long gone
I know these branches
are near to breaking, bound by timeless frost

as such, I proclaim for myself the only road
is the only one I've ever known

a trail where time goes in one direction
where looking back is mere confection

I guess I understand, why man is so oft doomed
to repeat his past and learn it not
for tomorrow's sake, he buries it soon

still..
I plead and beg and lay prostate on my face
for Allah to be my guide
and forever my support, my solace.

2009-09-29T01:21:00.004-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

At this early hour, a seemingly random verse comes to mind, quoted above. A rough translation:

"..and whomever is saved from the greed of his own soul, it is they who are successful."
(Hashr, ayah 9)

Two things strike me about this ayah. One, that one's own soul is something that would require saving from (usually, we might think of needing protection from the devil, from external temptation, etc). Two, it reads "..whomever is saved..", not "..whomever saves him/her self.." - this lends itself to the true and actual dependency we have upon Allah on attempting to claim salvation.

It isn't by our own efforts that we would be saved from the fires of Jahannam, or granted the gardens of Jannah. It's something that must be sought after by the very core of one's heart. There's a reason Allah remembers those who remember Him, there's a reason that there is no reward for good, except good. Perhaps the only thing that should really concern us, that should catch us in our most attentive moments is this: that our end, and our beginning, and everything in between, are all with Allah and nothing and nowhere else.

2009-09-21T20:15:00.002-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

internal constructs
9.21

Reaching for the stars, barely landing in the heavens,
The path has finally opened, if only for a second.
I catch whiff of a scent that could blind the senses,
My fancy is intrigued, blood pounding in throbbing temples.

The rush is too much, I'm becoming light-headed,
The door still inviting, but it seems I'm not yet ready.
Why must I awake from this opaque dream?
The clock reads a minute past, I swear an eternity it seemed.

Let me gaze for just a few decades,
Into crystalline orbs, tiny suns that shine on without age.
Granted such rare glory, such precious splendor,
Who would deny the touch of satin, the smell of lavender?

Remembering just one of countless rewards in store,
For he who'd lend his Rabb a goodly loan, and little more.
A blink of an eye, or an epic tale of endless pages,
Only fools need argue, a spat amongst wandless mages.

A winding road ahead, paved in prick of thorns,
Right is obvious, but can a nomad weather its storm?

iA.

2009-09-07T05:25:00.002-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

How will I ever find time for mirrors and walls, when sometimes all I can read is writing not worth the scribble of restroom stalls? Introspection loses out to extroversion, saying a lot more than I did back then but without half the meaning or one-fourth the purpose. Socially fit, but socially disinclined, my mismatches abound when I thought I'd find the perfectly suited in no time. It's surprising to see friends grow even as I watch from a distance, their gazes don't quite reach me as much as they used to, I usually just miss them. A little sad, sure, but it's comforting knowing that they're heading places, if not physically than becoming better people (or better imitators of progress). Slight doubt or wonder aside, my own questions beg their time in the spotlight, but wait..they don't have any batteries. So what good is a wrong with a plan to be righted if it can only stand out against the darkness while everything else is nighted? Who knows, I only hold few things for certain, among them, a belief I have to have, or else I'd rather choose to not live than be just another soul, frightfully wondering who its Lord is and why it exists. My paths are never easy, same with the choices I have to make, but I think the worthwhile always needs effort, for the worthy to find their place.

2009-08-31T04:08:00.002-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

Where would we be without people who cared? Whether it be family or friends, or acquaintances not seen in a million years, I think the overall progression of life would be quite different were it not for timely and necessary interference from others. Static life has a way of moving on without progressing, of going forward but lacking direction. Sometimes, an external stimulus is needed, howsoever small, to bring about the next step in personal evolution.

All of that leads me into why I'm writing this right now. Since my last post, things could not have been more different. I've been at the masjid more during Ramadhan in a week than I have the past 3 or 4 Ramadhans combined. People I haven't seen, in as long a time, I've met up with again, remarking on how things have changed and who's doing what where right now. In essence, two events stand out as precursors to any of this happening. First, at a friend's wedding a month or 2 back, a friend of a couple years asked me to come play basketball at the masjid, since they played almost every evening. I took his advice. Not a week or so ago, a nephew of mine asked me if I was going to pray Tarawih at the masjid like he was. Likewise, I listened to his suggestion. The rest, as they say, is history.

In effect, I've found that growing older doesn't necessarily limit what wisdom can be learned from those younger than us. It's often the things we think we've figured out already that need re-examining, and who better to see those things than those with eyes untainted by cynicism? If I continue to learn anything, it's that our perceptions aren't always laid in stone like we think they are. Just because I *think* I know what I'm doing or where I'm going, or how I'm affecting other people, doesn't have to mean that's really what's happening. Moreso now than ever, I doubt there's ever been a better time for everyone to reflect on their lives, about the paths they are taking, the choices they are making, and finding out for certain if the priorities they have in life are worth it as they, or if they need changing.

2009-08-23T00:28:00.002-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

So, it's that time of year again. Ramadhan. The time of fasting, reflection, and a general flux amongst the Muslim communities worldwide as they search for ways to, at least, become better for this month.

My mental state, however, differs markedly from that. For the past 3 or 4 years, I've observed a somewhat disturbing trend of mine - to purposefully (or rather, lacking a reason/purpose) become more detached and somewhat reclusive than normal. What brings this about? I see the changes in my family most obviously, and it bothers me tremendously that people would say and do such pious things during this month that would otherwise, in any other month, be nearly cast away as meaningless. Do I have an internal revulsion to perceived hypocrisy, or am I just bogged down in a kind of laziness that encumbers the soul so it just doesn't feel like 'doing' anything anymore? As yet, I do not know the answer to this question. The drop off from Ramadhan compared to any other month is so large...I can't help but be entirely skeptical at the fate of mankind. That isn't to say the majority of my problem lies with other people. On the contrary, there is a significant internal difference, like a grandfather clock that decidedly moves slower during a particular time, but always inexplicably. People tell me to just go to the masjid more often during this month, and I wonder why they say something so simple. As of about a month or so ago, I actually started going on a more regular basis, alh, besides just for Jumu'ah. My reasons for going varied, but after embracing an acknowledged need for progress, I decided that the status quo could not remain any longer.

But this month...the rationality behind my behaviour eludes me entirely. I cannot fathom it, while my thinking just days prior was obvious gravitation towards being and becoming more deen-oriented and attending more prayers in congregation. So, it has to be something specific to Ramadhan that brings this supposed depression about. Why would the happiest month of the Islamic calendar shade its happiness from me? Is there perhaps an internal flaw in my thinking that requires re-evaluation? Is there a misunderstanding I have about what the month should mean for me? I pray it is not that I am destined to be of those deprived of mercy specifically in Ramadhan..insha'Allah. Truly, the question is there..but how am I to find its answer?

2009-08-08T06:22:00.003-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

So, I haven't posted anything lately. Alh, it's mainly because there isn't anything really for me to put down here. All of the concerns and issues that might normally evoke a blog entry....are non-existent atm (at the moment).

Of course, it's just a circle that leads me to back to where I've always known myself to be: blessed, alh. There is nothing more important in life, or more worthy of being an ambition, than recognizing the favors and blessings Allah gives us in life. If we can't see that, we pretty much can't 'see' anything.

I still need to be married though. More on that at some point down the line, iA. I should be settled into a job within a few months [iA], after taking my sweet time post-board exam. Then, I guess I join my friends who've already walked down that road. I think I might miss being a bachelor.

2009-07-24T04:04:00.002-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

Among various other things that occur to me at such early morning hours, I am led to ponder over the nature of wisdom and guidance. While everyone generally may believe that good actions and good intentions procure a 'better fate', there are enough exceptions (or moments of crystal clear disillusion) in life where a better and more wholesome wisdom is sought.

It could be, and doubtless has been, that some person some where would do a good deed, and then afterwords, be so impressed by what he has done that he begins to fancy himself a prince and at a higher level than those he does not see as fitting his category of religiosity. In such a case, what has this person initially pure deed done for expect increase him in misguidance?

The simple lesson we can derive from this is that we should always be wary of where misguidance can come from. Perhaps especially, being on guard after doing a good deed is something everyone should do, lest egos, pride, and exaggerated self worth start clouding the truth, with the person suddenly being led astray because he should forget where true guidance came from, and why he was doing it all in the first place.

It is a bit ironic, and counter to 'common' sense, that we could end up taking the paths often traveled from something so pure and initially innocent. It's been said that good intentions often land good people in bad places (or something like that). Lately, it seems like the guise of wisdom has appeared to me in more places and more moments than I can remember ever having happened before. Alhamdulillah for that.

On less important notes, I passed my board exam! Certified, here I come!

t_t

2009-06-30T03:49:00.002-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

On Faith

What is faith? In and of itself, is it a need? a drug? a passion? an emotion? a trump card? a final solution? a convenience? a necessity? a catharsis? a mode of logic? What category, exactly, does our personal relationship to 'faith' fall under? How have we defined it for ourselves?

To me, in my youth, faith was a pill to swallow every night before I went to bed, to keep the bedbugs at bay and my conscience in solace. As I've aged, and I ascertain where I am in life, I am finding that now it has become a candlelight in the darkness of human cognizance. Outside of my deen, my religion, my choice, I can sense only darkness, seeping around every corner of indecision and doubt, waiting to make its way into me or those around me. So, still I hold on to the candle, waiting, for the breeze to lead and push the flame where it should go, to where I inevitably belong.

It has never been easy, even when I was blissful and ignorant in my younger years. There were many traps around me I'd only realize after I'd passed by them, amazed that I'd come so close to them at all. The path has often not been to the best of my liking, often I've questioned the grand design and purpose of it all, especially the role in it I was to play. For life we did not ask, yet life it is we are given. So what is to be done with this choice? There is only 1 path, despite the many ways in which we may want to put things. The choice is ours, to believe or not to believe. One cannot hold either choice in hand, yet avoid its responsibility. If you choose to declare that god is but one God, that His final messenger existed and that this messenger was His servant, then the only path is to submit. Desire will always persist, but it is in the battles that we can lay claim to winning, hand in hand with our superego, that we might keep the beast within at bay, and find the best and better parts of ourselves.

The naysayers and skeptics and atheists, have all given up hope. Their flaw, were I to point at just one common among them all, would be the same as Satan/Iblees/the Fallen One (literally and figuratively): they despair, and in this state, seek only to lead others into despair along with themselves. I must say that sometimes, emotion must be disregarded, for the better sake of one's self. Many times I have felt this way or that, and it would lead me to an invariably dissatisfying result. I knew it, yet I chose the easier path nonetheless. In order for the potential damage of emotion to be minimal, logic should supplant it. If I looked in many directions and did not see, for my own lack of wisdom, providence in the many things around me, in myself, then it should be a fault only of mine, not one that I should lay claim as being of my Creator's. As humans, we may 'feel' undeniably justified in how our train of thought leads to rebellion, dissent, and general disharmony...but we should also remember we are human. Upon reflection, if being human has taught us anything over the past millenia, it is that to err is human. Our fallibility should always humble our insatiable ambitions to be rulers of our own fate, and remind us that the end worth everything we can give it, is often that end which is most difficult to see. Just because there is mist and fog, does not mean the path is not there. It is only that we should wish to forever be led upon it.

2009-06-12T00:41:00.003-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

It's been so long since I've truly put pen to paper or key to screen, I'm led to wonder if those literary genes are even expressed any longer or if I've just forgotten what writing means. Layers upon layers of unremembered dreams, woven in subconscious trickles, soon to be erased by 'goals' and 'ambitions' covertly fickle. Don't mind me while I mind my inability to scream, to pout, to get everything inside of me justifiably out. There are better plays to see, better forms of entertainment to find, than un-felt emotions finally catching up on the times.

.. unfinished ..

2009-06-07T23:37:00.002-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

I dislike reconstruction. You might assume that such a phase could only occur after a previously whole object was somehow broken, or had lost some piece of itself. But, that isn't always the case. Sometimes, a house just needs an addition, like a 2nd wing, another bedroom, or maybe another bath. If the case is the latter, then why is it so confounding? I'd already (or so I think) plotted everything of my life there was to plot, so why do these unknown spaces emerge? How long can someone continue to define themselves, in old ways or new? Existential crises seem so cliche, a pattern so old...yet one without any immediately obvious answers. Some things I have found, like the spirituality/faith I (will) need in life, the importance of family, the fluctuating nature of friends, and other common, easily-identifiable traits of being human. But there are one or two things that mystify me so much that I wonder sometimes who it is I see in the mirror.

2009-05-21T02:23:00.003-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

Coming across this quote...

"Small wonder that [he] advises us to look forward, not backward - a convenient doctrine for those who hold the clubs. Those who are beaten by them tend to see the world differently, much to our annoyance." - atimes.com

...I am led to wonder: how long will the charade of Western imperialism disguised as "democracy" and "humanitarian intervention" continue? I guess one of the only ways people can emerge from all the dust and ashes to learn the truth is simply to read about it.

2009-04-27T23:06:00.002-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

One of the biggest issues with making long journeys is not being worn down by them. Depending on how long it is, however, such a state might be unavoidable. This is where I find myself. Life, as the consummately worthy journey, fails to hold the same blaze of yearning for me that it once did. What goals are there to have that will not erode in time, that will pass the test of history while we are still alive? My single footprint on humanity is so small, I have affected so few, that I should think my purpose little more than to live out the rest of my days. I do not wish to lead, per se, nor do I wish to be a blind follower. However, the roads for the one seeking the in-between are few, if any. I have lost or am losing my passion, for wanting, for having, for needing..that which compels humanity forward, gives it purpose it can taste in the air and reason as fire to send the senses alight. My idealism hasn't existed for years now, but its shell now seems to have been felled in whole. How shall I find again the spark, that drove me once, and without which I feel I shall forever static remain?

2009-04-10T03:23:00.002-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

how empty are lives full of only echoes? times gone by and history books written ages ago, left no records of the soul that might teach one how to grow. stagnation is the beck and call of my day, forever listless, while thunderous ambitions of air reach for stars seemingly no longer there. there is no road behind me, but no path ahead; I could forge it as I go, but would that be enough for me instead? as life goes on, or its semblance thereof, I wonder if its worth it all: the journey, the end, the toil, the shackles of ourselves. I reach amongst the phantoms, seeking substance to fill a void; of course the impossibilities stare back at me, amazed at how insane I seem. I 'know' the answers, I have 'heard' of remedies, but are these tales enough to solve the issue that is me?

- unfinished -

2009-03-10T23:11:00.002-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

Human evolution takes so long sometimes. We emerge from our first cocoons susceptible to everything until we become perceptive to nothing. Then, we learn to wander the hills and valleys, looking for a mate and so settle on the nearest branch. More young are born, the elders pass away, and so the least knowledgeable become the inheritors of the earth.

We were supposed to have learned from the "barbarism" of past ages, from the "ignorance" of the past, and forge a better future. But the only thing that has changed are the chains that bind us, whether to material comfort or logically-challenged belief. Will this life be an eternal bind for as long as we live it? Will never the shroud lift from our eyes so that we may see past the shadows cast by our own egos, the suspicions formed in our own insecurities? Sometimes, I am a prisoner to more than just my own fancy, I am a prisoner to a 'system', a 'system' not bound by society or projected morality, but a 'system' that is carried in the very genes of the human construct. Our passion for life, our vivacity, our need to be more than what we are and reach beyond what is in our arm's grasp, our hope that wings of wax will sustain us until we reach the highest heaven..is perhaps the greatest burden humanity will ever bear. I want, yet I do not need, moreover I am not yet wholly capable, but still the insistence presses forward, towards a blissful cliff or a painstaking wall only the road ahead will tell..

2009-02-27T11:59:00.003-05:00

- in the name of Allah -

Minutes before I prepare for Jumu'ah, I am reminded of a few things. Mainly random thoughts, but I suspect there is some general cohesion underlying them. First, humanity's roots as social beings. We have to connect, feel the link of connection, expression, contribution, internal and external clarity, for ourselves and those around us. Sadly, these connections bring us both "good" and "bad", hope and sorrow, information and propaganda, truth and deceit, superficiality and depth, closeness and distance, and the list goes on. The best we can do is try to filter what we absorb from others, to take the most worthwhile of what they have to offer, and to leave off their less desirable traits. Such is the nature of dealing with and being one of everyone. Second, the many ways in which I have been blessed by Allah, not only to have believed and still try for believing, but for being able to see past the obvious into the layer of understanding where non-egotistical genius and heightened awareness lie. Moments of clarity in life are few and far in between, so the most must be made of them while we have them. One must know that nothing is without purpose, especially one's own self. Just because we may not have the awareness of it yet, does not mean that we should give in to our lesser parts and follow in an aimless fashion our self-created designs of entropy. Every part of us is relevant, but learning to prioritize and visualize a grand scope of something is far greater in relevance.

- alas, such obtuse and relatively grandiose notions... -

~~~

crystal balls and gazing stars, constellations and planets from years afar, such tiny beings with great ambition, fit for kings but killed by malnutrition. we look farther than the eye can see, yet to our selves are blind, counting molecules on Venus, unaware that a neighbor's died. shackled by egos, fettered by preconceptions, we delude and prejudge, until all that's left is our own deception. rising, to what point? flying, to which heaven? our trait of wanting more, masquerades as need, hiding in plain sight, without cloak or dagger, until we're buried underneath. how many warnings can we ignore, before the dam breaks open, and fire becomes our only friend, our only abode? if the law in physics holds true, that any action has its equal opposition, then where will we stand, if all we offer is our own condition?

[on the human condition]

2009-02-20T00:16:00.005-05:00

- in the name of Allah -

The purpose of this blog sometimes eludes me. Alh, I am no longer in quite the state of ideological flux that had prepossessed me in years past. I have found a certain foothold, a keen sense of knowing, of who I am, what my purpose is, how to exist. The only question that has remained unanswered, is precisely where am I going? I know most of what I seek does not hold water in this plane, an afterlife long awaited. So it should not be a surprise then to find this plane so burdensome, so full of literal and metaphorical heaviness. It is near impossible to be light-hearted for a long period of time without suffering in some way, either by losing scope and perspective of life, or the abuse and mockery of the less-enlightened. Either the body or mind remain heavily laden with some tiredness, somehow or another. There is just so little in life designed to truly be uplifting, inspiring. That is perhaps why I have developed a recent kinship with prayer, especially as of late. Sometimes, when we do not find the answers we are looking for in the course of a day, a good night's sleep preceded by the nightly prayer is exactly what the doctor ordered.

2009-02-08T12:55:00.002-05:00

- in the name of Allah -

The spring semester has begun. New challenges loom on the horizon, 12-hour shifts, cranky mentors, and long hours of listlessness. Right along with that come possibilities, ideas, potential realities floating about as if they were wisps of air. Being human, I find myself terribly shortsighted when it comes to knowing the 'ultimate' good or bad in any endeavor. I may begin it with the best of intentions, but where it will lead or what it will 'ultimately' mean for me is anyone's guess. That may be why it seems as if the paths that open in front of me now hold less of a foreboding. I was not the one to open them, merely one to allow their possibility to mentally exist.

Sometimes, words just fail. They can't tell of the sort of internal...peace...that can be felt at times, when one's purpose and action begin to align. Once we stop running from who we are and what we're made for, everything just falls into perspective. It may be that our notions of honor and justice are lacking, that to truly begin to encompass them, we have to reach a higher state, where we can acknowledge what really matters and what is just another headline in the paper.

Somewhat random thoughts, for a somewhat random time..

2009-01-20T10:12:00.002-05:00

- in the name of Allah -

At times, the greatest obstacle to progress is one's own self. The hardest fight to overcome is a wall that is self-created, a barrier to fresh ideas, action, and acceptance that change is sometimes necessary.

In the course of life, the most important thing one can do to overcome these obstacles is to reflect on everything, upon life, upon death, upon the course of one's life from the earliest days of recollection. What has my purpose been? For what have I been known? What kind of person do I truly wish to be? At times, voices inside your head (sometimes known as the Shaitaan, the Devil) will remind you of the allure of darkness. How inviting it is to keep only one's ego and id as rulers to dethrone the superego from ever raising its voice, to negate conscience and guilt, to become whatever we want to become whenever we want to become simply to find another source of pleasure or another way to avoid pain. However, life is all about dealing/coping with not enough happiness and being dosed with apparently unbearable pain/sadness. The best of us are those who remember that all of this does serve a purpose, it is not all in vain, and one day, everything will be accounted for, and we will find our recompense in line with our deeds.

2009-01-14T06:31:00.004-05:00

- in the name of Allah -

(written a day earlier, finished a day later)
Paler shades of nameless skies had never quite seen such a setting yellow, a premature fade of gray one would have to see to call himself a witness. meaning always reached, always pleaded for a perch of highest rank, unfortunate it is that life is not automatized, where each and every time may simply fall in line, similar old tunes of ancient songs; alas, their bards are dead, their prayers mute, as they themselves slashed their vocal cords, and thus a lasting peace ensued. what lessons their folly carried, latter generations shall scarcely know much less heed, wisdom of then always forgotten, bygone advice for bygone creeds. so where is my personal piece, my very own wedge of the pie, wherein this tumult of words comes full circle, where material phantoms with dilemmas collide? my eyes have never been closed, as I've always seen the shutters and doors, hiding fallacies of mine and those I've known, but as I catch a glimmer deeper, a glance toward the soul, whether foreign or my own, the truth turns away, a search once again gone cold. rather than 'act', I've pursued the philosophizing, a slight escape, excuse just in case my decision-making might be found lacking. I wonder if it is in deed a fear of loss, that like most, could drive me to a stilling stance, etched in a moment's time...

...though all around the world keeps moving, my self the stillest of them all, drunk upon a potion of want painfully undilute..

2008-12-28T04:34:00.002-05:00

- in the name of Allah -

Just a few more days until 2008 comes to a close. What a year it's been, like others before it, telling of great self-revelations, where I learn who I truly am, with a touch more of sarcastic irony coating the magic pill of inevitability. To this day, though I know parts of my potential, parts of my strengths and weaknesses, what I love and do not love, I miss still my purpose in the grand scheme of things. I am a mortal that bleeds upon being cut, that cries (or comes close to it) upon losing what is dear, one who sees a path but does not know what it is nor how to follow it. I can reflect on my past posts and see the emotions of the moment, the rights and wrongs frivolously thrown here and there like they were supposed to 'be' and so they 'were'. Every other minute tells me of what I've missed, of my inadequacy in fulfilling that time with something productive, of being unable to fill the vacuum that is a human mind with something, anything, just so one may think a little less, question a few times fewer. Each year it seems like I have approached and taken the jump off another peak in the sine wave of human growth, but where does the next jump land me? Higher or lower than the wave before it? Is my slope nothing or something, defined or infinite? As I get older, the gap between what I have and what I need to maintain a life(style) befitting of a Muslim, gets only larger. I see mistakes, like I have before, but still I cannot always bring myself to care. Still, a piece is missing, a piece I have thought of as imaan/faith, but that comes and goes. So what is it that I am truly seeking? What is it that I have sought all this time, the sum of everything before that time has/will lead me to?

2008-12-11T01:49:00.002-05:00

- in the name of Allah -

Ah, the contemplations of life. How they vary from time to time and place to place. Aside from the typical blargage that is academia and finals, I've actually had a few thoughts of dissimilitude.

Sun and Moon

...asking the most popular puppets of the day, they'd choose to be Suns shining brightly, with staffs in hand to whip and command, throw wealth and influence around and show off their control over the land. but ask me, and I might choose to be a Moon, not quite as brightly blinding or self-sustaining in visual glamour, but quietly echoing a sense of serenity while emanating a glow both dependent on and farthest from the Sun's vanity. Suns and Moons might be compared as Fire and Ice, and though that debate could earnestly last forever into nothing, I'd personally rather choose moonlit Ice, farthest from the action but plenty close to knowing the meaning of its own existence. Though one rises to enable sight and civilization's bustle, the one that falls to guide wary travelers in the darkness that is night appeals more fully to one of evident contradiction, seeking both humanity and its isolation, both companionship and solitary contemplation, onwardly going without solute or solvent to a solution of sheer inward gravitation. why I come less to the land of words, either written or typed, in anyone's guess, wandering or wondering still I assume, a role more attuned to things assured and concretely groomed. how does a Moon pick up its scattered light in a desert when all the canopies have been stripped away of their green, now only gray and yellow, a sign of negligence and decay? I need mirrors, reflections deep and illuminating, true and reverberating, not in myself, but in another or others, without fear of destiny's hand always hovering. a touch of truth, of a nature genuine, of a brush in hand, of a painter's ploy or plea to sanity, to draw an answer human to all the questions plaguing me..

2008-11-26T23:04:00.002-05:00

- in the name of Allah -

Wow, almost 3 weeks since my last post. I seem to be getting into an older framework of posting. Not bad I guess. On a brighter front, I have the next few days off. What is there left to write here that hasn't already met its solution in the real non-digital world? Not much I imagine. It's been impressed upon me that I need to be married. Duh, this notion's been true for a while now. Too bad there simply isn't a large variety of people to choose from. What I need is like a scripted scene from a movie, where a million apparently inconsequential events fall in place...and poof I see the girl of my dreams. How often do movies play out in people's lives like that? o_O

Not often I think. But, being as odd and different as I am, I guess I've beaten the odds (ha ha pun) once already, so it wouldn't be unreasonable to see a train of happenings along those lines..

mmm, I think I'll go watch some mov's.

2008-11-06T11:03:00.002-05:00

- in the name of Allah -

This past Tuesday was one of the most fateful and significant days in American history. Besides being a day of many different firsts, it held symbolism for a new and hopeful restoration/improvement of policies and quality of living. No, we do not know what our destiny is, where we will meet our end or even from where we may derive sustenance. But, that does not stop the current of eventuality from taking us in and showing us what we did not know or could not suspect.

Among more personal and closer-to-home matters, a few recent events remind me of the binding similarity between my recent and prior experiences. It is not that life is a circle, per se, inevitably coming back to the same conundrum or falling back into the same loop one may have known before. Life is, as a friend once put it, quite linear. That we can experience deja vu is simply a testament to how well we internalize past events into our being and pick up on the nuances of what they mean for us. To summarize a case in point, I knew, in a scenario not 2 months old, that age might matter, that being a college freshman was a reason unto itself to indicate a high probability of drastic, random, unpredictable change. I gave the idea a chance, and it broke a few preconceptions of mine, reminding me that people alike can exist, perhaps as strange and unique as myself. This is reason enough to continue searching, keeping the books open, heart and mind gazing incessantly skyward to the only place I ever thought I belonged.

2008-10-30T23:28:00.005-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

I haven't written so 'frequently' in a very long time, more than I can remember. Why am I back here again? Well, I don't really know. Fate has granted me yet another twist in what is already perhaps one of the strangest novels of truth ever pre-written.

It isn't as if I had concocted hope from a kettle of remote possibility, but it was merely the aroma of of 'maybe', the links of commonality that created more intrigue than need for caution. It was nice to have. Where is it now? I'm not sure, but I am not far from where I began. My gut experiences a twinge of sorrow, an upheaval of infinitesimal dismay that over time I've come to regard as reality's herald. For one such as me, a nomad trying to find his way in life, there are few roads made of concrete, most are paved with dreams. It is, perhaps simply, not my in destiny to follow each and every dream that graces my conscience, but that may be wherein the beauty lies: I can know of a thing, become familiar with its core, and ultimately find a medium of laissez faire where it is better to see than to touch.

I am not fated to have (for now) that which may reach my soul so easily, that which moves me as Allah's will moves mountains - as easily as dust blown by wind. Many fronts and angles and directions appear to me, each wanting its own private audience; on one hand is rebellious defiance, preaching its discourse of near anarchy from every constraining fiber of my being; on another hand is a temperate breeze, who nods in wisdom at the coming of such an event and knows that the only path to take is the one that goes forward with self-moderation; and there are other hands, some of Satan, some of angelic origin, that propel me this way or that. But like all nomads, I have only to keep with the wind as it sails, away from one typhoon into the arms of another.

2008-10-29T12:41:00.004-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

my being, my trail

if I think therefore I am, then if I think often, do I become more than what I was before? if my mass remains unchanged, and the chemical reactions balanced, how does my neural net defy the laws of matter, and lead to growth when nothing else has lessened? in this galaxy of ours are planets diversified, each of different composition, each of different lives. how would a comet find a direction in which to lean? would it be simply an issue of gravitating to the largest sphere, or would it try to choose another path, with an end not so clear? would it follow the path of most comets, and find its fate in fiery sun? perhaps a road might open, using its momentum, to carry it past the paths dull and ineffective, a refreshing take on an age-old question. I wonder of the trail that comet might leave, if it would tell the tale of an icy haven found, or an oven's sickly warm reprieve..

2008-10-25T20:26:00.002-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

Time is one of the most treasured resources we have. It flies by without being noticed, but never does it complain that we never held it in good company or overlooked it while we 'lived' life away in blissful merriment. It watches and marches forward in silence during the moments we think have achieved nirvana...but still we have the very same obstacles as yesterday, our own selves. While our attention is so diverted to our own egos, time does not gripe about how we have not given it its due, it does not whine or resist when we bend its use into something less than pure or less than noble. So why do we take so little care of it? Why is it like the blue background of the sky on a sunny day, when we forget to stop and notice how serene the moment is?

People are inherently tumultuous. Even if they believe they have found their logical or moral banner under which to champion their colors, chaos is but a step outside those precious boundaries. What of it? If we cannot find our own boundaries for ourselves, if we cannot bridge the seams between our hopes and our daily lives, then the framework of who we are is bound to collapse some day.

Insanity is probably more common than statistics let on, as the underside of society has a multitude of outlets designed simply so that people may forget their problems and continue to exist despite the fact their lives has lost any meaning. I doubt that a drunken stupor really holds much place for dreams, and without that expression, just how much can be felt or seen that isn't as we would have it be?

2008-10-18T13:34:00.003-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

Are we always destined to make the same mistakes over and over? Is life truly the circular path that we end up back again where we thought we started it all in the first place? I know, rhetorical questions don't really have a place in this day and age. Answers are like gold; everyone's searching for it but it's one of the most precious things that most people don't have.

Despite people reaching out to me, I resist. I do not necessarily pull back but there exists a void whose blanket of obscurity I cannot penetrate. This void is mainly defined as the future. I know not what it holds for me, but I find myself ever-desirous, as usual. What becomes of a time one hopes for, but to the moment he thinks of it, it is a time that remains elusive, hiding behind a corner appearing a million miles away? Do we retain optimism in times of hardship, or do we react as clams and shell up when the tides come again to change our paths in the sand one more time? I don't know which path is wiser, whether to be protected and yet have missed out on a chance, or risk the sleeve and possibly end up with a naked soul. My need for deen persists through my evolution, continually invoking its purpose in tranquility. I seem unable, however, to use that need for deen to mold my actions and emotions. Chance leads the 'next thing on the list of whenever', my schedule these days.

/ / /

falling while wishing to fly, paradoxical whims buttressed in reality's lie, careful weaves of letters no longer enable but only fetter the wave building within a soul full to brim with the idiotic nuances of holding the philosopher's stone - but tied to the ground, bound to the fate of a mortal, oh-so-human drone. too many needles in the haystack, I've lost blood before, hesitant to lose more hemoglobin, if I don't get that rush I fear I may perish still to oxygen malnutrition. there's a reason why I might speed driving the highways of life's intermittent disguises of distraction and badly-written surmises: speeds 100+ remind me of flying, from the top down or down up, it doesn't matter as the wind has my back even if I hiccup and my momentum staggers. free, free like the wind that isn't bound to the ground, but open and ever-expanding to fill the space of wherever it can reach. but I am not made of gas, but solid, molecules firmly entrenched into a pattern I've come to despise, wanting, wishing, always in the back of my mind, a thought to fly and leave this petty world behind..

2008-10-09T15:03:00.002-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

Wow, it's been a month since I last posted here. Good thing someone reminded me to, or else it might've stretched out to 2 months and I could have possibly forgotten everything..but alas, I have not forgotten, so here I am.

While it is true that I am human and as such possess most of the typically human desires and ambitions, it also remains true that I made an oath when I was younger, far more naive and innocent. I had seen others grow up and develop questionable nuances to their personality, accept notions that, barring acceptance by others, they would have never accepted. I knew I would never want to be one of them. To be a common man, a plebeian who walked the path of everyone and repeated everything they said, I couldn't be. Whether it be arrogance, or fitrah, or presumptuousness, or the like, I have always held myself above those ideas and their practice.

So it remains that I walk, or at least foreshadow, my road in the clouds and a steady current forward. I should hope (and pray) that the road I am on does lead me to flounder, because it's so easy to release one's self from the constraints of heaven and so easily put on the reins of hell.

Among other mysteries, I wonder why some females are more inclined to bitchiness than others. Rudimentary manners should be a pre-requisite test for all women (and men) who want to be married, or imagine themselves to be in a position of being. Oh well, I guess not all people were created equally (or at least, end up that way).

2008-09-24T12:34:00.003-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

On the edge of a precipice I can't quite define, I wonder when the rains will come to wash away all these thoughts that were never really mine. How much control over fate do we truly have when what I feel I cannot help but only bait for another time? It isn't destiny that's been preoccupied with me, but a tendency to need and hold that only seems an open sore prone to bleed.

Would I broach the sheer boundary, of a line never crossed before? Could there be return, from where all caution flies to wind, and the moment holds sway and nothing more? My instincts to play it safe and leave the doubtful at bay just don't mean as much as they did yesterday. It's as if a tuner was finally tuned to a wave that brought it to its knees, that all the deeds that it thought would save it became only fodder for excuses to explain why it was missing the very thing it needed most.

If these bits of computer code could be transmitted like radio waves, I'd send a may-day to every corner of the galaxy, searching without fail for the second half to a puzzle barely gleaned complete while submerged in loligags of a soundless daydream.

/start_radio_transmission
*fuzzy crackle* Come in, second half, come in. We have found home base, over. I repeat, we have found home base. *fuzzy crackle*
/end_radio_transmission

2008-09-14T23:29:00.002-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

Falling leaves, changing shades, when time fades away, just what parts of me remain? My corners to turn are few, counting minutes diminished without chance of redemption, I grasp at straws hoping for just a little of happiness' retention.

Skies laden with rain carry their burden so much better than I, my thunderclouds evaporate in the face of opposing fronts that only magnify when the assumptions lie. Every new tide brings the same scent, the same tumult, my ways to overcome suddenly lost in the commotion and the potential threat of any realization not yet learned but waiting on the doorstep of regret.

I can't change what's past, I'm disarmed for the future, I only meddle in the present, wandering, searching for someone, something, to shake off the cobwebs that occupy the corners of my mind. The world, a teapot bordering on boiling, unable to release its pressure, it seeks constant ways of self-destructive convenience. It holds no candle for my wind, no methane for my flame, no scent for my bloodhound to chase incessantly in pursuit of purpose and dream.

What a sad, sad reality, that has us make our dreams in wax, and then live our lives clutching candlelight with nothing else, in a moonless, cloudless sky - the longer we stand, the more they melt and dissolve into something no longer recognized.

2008-09-04T10:49:00.003-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

So another Ramadan is upon us. The time of year that changes everything, where people who were averse to good become suddenly converted, where the forces that pull us down dubious paths are no longer there and the only forces left to affect us become what we will of our own souls. Speaking of which, how do we find out what we truly want? Must we falter before gaining a foothold on the nature of our soul, or can the path less travelled be traversed without the gore and banter? I am inclined to think that there is no easy solution to the problems that plague existence, that try us to the core of our being. Someone once said that the best things tend to cost the most, in so many ways more than monetarily. Does that mean to achieve the Garden we must experience a catharsis that continually refines us until we are pure enough for it? I guess most of these questions are at their root rhetorical, that I already know their answers. Why then, would I care to post them here? Well, better here than incessantly in my head I reckon.

-to be finished later-

Life is grand, diverse, and full of many arms and many goals. Each one can pull you one direction or another, but the real test is to know inside where one belongs. Do we cave in to pressure, and call it quits right before the curtains close, or will we press the point and hold our own until the future gives our effort shape?

Among all these things, I know who I am. That knowledge, is completely inescapable to me. I cannot run from it, I cannot avoid it, I cannot do anything but accept it despite how the innards of the soul might ache to be free like the wind. I can't fly, I can't soar in the skies like the birds and flies. I live on land, bi-ped and all, waiting for my shake on reality, making a mark barely visible but so difficult it took all of me to make.

I find that I want to be around people. All people, not necessarily, but people in general. My ideas are becoming stale, my progression as a human being is slowing, and I find that ignorance runs rampantly hand in hand with complacency. I need to know what they think, how they think, not necessarily to change or be changed, but to ascertain, to delve a little deeper beyond the surface and find an answer to life for myself. We were created to worship our Creator, that is a given and simply cannot change. What grand details remain is how we choose to play the cards in our hand that we are dealt, whether we choose to fold, or press onward, knowing that indeed, there is nothing better than a bluff worth making to the rest of the world when they think it all a farce.

2008-08-01T18:34:00.003-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

We don't always need an external stimulus to come to places like these and give ink to our thoughts, sometimes an internal probe is all that's necessary to dig underneath the surface and find the real reason behind a certain train of events.

Do we realize the struggle of parentage in caring and providing for their offspring? Can we really fathom how difficult their struggles are compared to our own? They have a myriad of concerns that we can only imagine, but the reality of is truly so much more. Financially, emotionally, psychologically, familially, mentally, sociologically, and the list goes on in the kinds of ways that our interaction with our parents influences our daily lives, certainly how often we see them contributes to this. But what is the end result of all this preponderance? What is the conclusion I am trying to or have inevitably reached?

It is that among the greatest blessings and good fortune that can possibly be bestowed upon a human being is that of having truly, 'good' parents. They care, they attempt to teach and pass on the lessons they have learned to their children, they provide for them a means unto adulthood and self-sufficiency, in ways so much more profound than mere finance. If one did not have good parentage, then how easy can it be for him or her to find the straight path, to be able to see a ray of light while bathed in darkness? It is very hard, to say the least. It becomes a matter up to the integrity and nature of the soul that would resist such forces, and strive to rise no matter the lineage.

Still, we have to be grateful to our Creator, who made us and blessed us in ways that we see and in ways we couldn't dream of. Cognizance of these reminders, internalization of their meaning, is perhaps one of the doorways to heaven, a heaven everyone's seeking but so few find.

2008-07-30T22:40:00.002-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

Due to popular demand, I have decided to give in to my adoring fans and furnish their otherwise rudimentary lives with a spectacular post from none other than..myself. I hope this will satisfy them, at least until I post again. :-d

Ah, such superb self-inflation of one's ego, done nigh effortlessly with a touch of sarcastic irony to brighten what ordinarily might have been ordinary..

Anyways, on to more serious things. Yesterday I had what was arguably the worst migraine ever. With pounding ferocity it clouded the mind and pushed out any and every other thought I tried to formulate. Naturally, I began internally debating the merits of life and death and how sleep was the tantalizing alternative of in-between that any insane insomniac would kill for. It was ironic then, after knowing a certain friend who exclaimed on their blog to possess an "affinity for Tylenol PM", I would decide to try a few for myself.

Alh, I managed to find some restful sleep and temperance for the incessant throb in the back of my head. Of course, none of this could possibly have happened without me trying to analyze for what fateful purpose I was to be graced with an exacerbating migraine.

Why is it usually that we are tried as human beings, as Muslims? Is it because of something we have or haven't done, or is it a random occurrence that cannot be explained but only endured? I venture to guess it is a mix of the two, mainly because as human beings our knowledge of what happens is so limited by our physical senses, and that it may well be simply a test to gauge our patience. Whatever the reality of it might be, I know that therein was a certain lesson, a certain flavor to be derived, that when mixed in the right doses with life, can prove an antidote for those most inescapable moments where, in an infitesimal minute, life tangoes with death and the value of one versus the other is determined.

2008-07-22T11:20:00.003-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

Here I am, back again, to continue the semi-chronicle of something I can only describe as fated and inevitable. At times, we can see the blessings rain down on us from the sky, and the obvious moment for us to express our gratefulness to our Sustainer dawns on us. What about the times when such blessings are not so apparent? Would we resolve ourselves to a pit of self-created exile from the very force which we, cognizantly or not, need most?

I've always, throughout most of my adult life, held firmly to the notion that I am blessed, blessed in knowing so many likable people, so many personable people, blessed in knowing that every day I have ever lived has served a particular purpose, whether it was evident in its moment or posthumously, it was there to be a reminder, to bring me on course in a journey that dawns on me as clearly now as a morning sunrise. My end, my real goal, my real desire, is something of an egg, an egg that grew with the care of adolescent idealism, an egg that hatched from the realization of purpose that is timeless. This egg, if it is to bloom, would show me nothing but my window to paradise, the only real window I've ever wanted. In it, is a place that finally matches the freedom-seeking nature of my soul with the capability and actuality of attaining that freedom. I can be free there, find my better half well acquainted, and come to know what I knew all along, alh.

I don't need to necessarily forgo the pleasures of this life, but I will, for all but the most basic I need for survival. There are greater things, greater objectives to be held up by the glorious light emanating from my Lord, than mediocre desires rooted in a world of temporal limitation. ....yeah, I know, keep it simple, but let's not forget I'm not yet married...lol ^_*

2008-07-16T02:38:00.002-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

Without a doubt these are strange times. Then again, there isn't a moment in my life that I can recall as being completely normal. Who cares, normal is for the ordinary, and that, whether for better or worse, is something I have never considered myself as.

I don't think I've ever known a clarity so clear as this. What exactly do I see, when my mind is not hindered by cloudy visions? My purpose forms to me, slowly, with little shape at first, but then I know what it is exactly that I must become. What is this epiphany, this realization of the end of one's existential crisis? It is that, no matter what may happen, no matter the love I may lose or the pleasure I may gain, I will always end up back to knowing my Creator. What brings me to Him? What is this propellant force that guides me along my sine-wave of a life? I am not entirely sure, but it is belief. Some how, some way, my belief has carried me throughout my life, and at no time has this been clearer than now. The root causes of ungratefulness, of disbelief, of hypocrisy, of malice, all seem so clear to me, and thankfully, so minute. It's as if for the first time in a long time, I can recall having conquered a demon in my soul that leapt at every chance it could get. There's a certain peace in giving up something of one's wants. I would say "giving up one's wants", but I do not deny that I am created human, and that I will desire regardless of whether or not I wish to control it. What I do with it, however, is something I have some measure of say-so in.

Particularly, it is giving up of people, specifically some women, that I have come to know over the passage of time. Some have been married, some have moved away, others pursue their dreams of making a better life for themselves and their families. I find that often my dreams of knowing them and being with them end up conflicting with their own. How so? It is because through knowing me, through truly understanding who I am, one cannot but be changed through it, and affect change in myself, howsoever slight it may be for them or I. Were they to fit into my plans, their own would change, and what they had held dear, would no longer be of use to them. Am I saying that I require deep sacrifice from the one I would marry? Of course not. I just carry the burden of truth, of knowing what my Rabb demands of me, and I do not attempt to make excuses why I do not or cannot follow His commands. I try; if I fail, then I simply repent and continue forward. There is no other path for me to take. Long ago I decided that a life of eternity and everlasting awesomeness was preferable to a short gain or short pleasure; why love for a few years, when you can love forever?

Such simple words, such dramatic meaning..

2008-07-06T01:56:00.003-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

This time, among others I have known, is like a window to my inside. Who will I become in the day ahead? Will I keep of me everything that already has been, or will I say "f___ it" and take a path never pondered, a path only mired in dread? In my vacation from my self, I've learned that we need to be who we are, but sometimes, an escape is necessary. Just be no one, someone else, something else, somewhere else, sometime gone or sometime not yet here. Everything but who we are supposed to be when we are supposed to be it.

Back on topic, I guess I'll get back on the road that I was on not 24 hours earlier.[interjection>>>] My God, how pervasive the human need for a companion is. It is just so...everywhere, all the time. It takes no break, even in silent peace, it's an undercurrent whose constant threat of drowning lurks just around the corner.

Pretty common themes throughout this blog, don't you think? O_O

2008-07-01T23:39:00.002-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

Often times it is that the things we want most are the very things we may never have. These things become for us the very trials that test us, that decide our mettle, that peruse our souls and see if indeed there is anything worthwhile inside.

I have a fallibility, among many others. I possess a heart which seeks attachment in ways so subtle, so intrinsic, that it gravitates towards certain places and certain people...without the benefit of cognizance. Leading my self astray...unknowingly. That is probably the scariest notion I've ever encountered. Yet, now that I am aware, the constant struggle of choices, of refrains, of proposes, does not do much to help the situation. I have to retain my self, my imaan, the core of my being that is presently being battered on a relatively daily basis. I quite easily realize why they say one should be married early. Granted, I'm still in my early 20's, but it would be better were it sooner than later. Moreso for my own nafs' and deen's sake than anything else. The issue isn't as simple or cut-and-dry as avoiding temptations. It isn't that. The problem is that there is a function of my soul, of my heart (and mind, to a lesser extent), that seeks out connections with people, typically female as they are easier to befriend (depending on circumstances). Not only does it seek this subconsciously, but it develops a bond with and supports this bond with rationalizations that stretch so far internally and externally, you would think I almost have a good reason for going down the wrong path. Shaitan loves to make the right path appear difficult, and the wrong path appear glittered in goodness and desirability. The problem that compounds this is that my soul does this unwittingly, without requiring a nudge, through only the simple fact that I need to be with someone I care about. Whether it just be with my crew, hanging out, or having a one-on-one with some woman I've come to know through necessary means (school), it is truly a compromising situation. Some of the things I've faced, I couldn't have imagined until they happened, and then I wonder to myself just how great a fitnah can truly be. I just ask Allah to guide me through it, to keep my heart intact for the one I marry, and to grant me the best of imaan on my deathbed; ameen ya Rabbal-'aalamin.

2008-06-12T02:29:00.002-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

It seems like I am fated to never get close to some people. Sure, the reasons for mismatch are there, different planets, different species, different dimensions, the list goes on. It doesn't stop the searching however, that goes on endlessly, subconsciously, without effort yet with the whole of one's soul behind it. I continue my search, without much effort, and no real idea of where exactly to look. There may be answers right under my nose, but I'm too smell-deaf to hear them.

Just what does it mean that another person is made for one's self? Where does that compatibility erupt from? Why do such notions continuously bubble forth from the essence of the soul, in ways I can't comprehend, but can only assert that it is true, and that it must exist. Love may be one of the most damned emotions ever given to mankind. I can't find it, only feel its need like a snake sneaking underneath my being. It's like needing clothes in a hurricane but only armed with an umbrella. Or maybe having a boxed car frame without an engine. Or maybe a plane flying in circles with only one wing.

Where art thou, oh separate wing of mine?

2008-05-28T05:16:00.002-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

I saw this browsing through BBC, and I just couldn't pass it up..

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/7422900.stm

"...Reports said King Gyanendra and Queen Komal were seen driving out of the royal palace on Tuesday afternoon, but it was not clear where they were going or for how long they would be gone."

LOL, with a hindu, reincarnated Vishnu, no less!

2008-05-21T17:43:00.003-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

sometimes the role we take is more important than the role we desired to play. it may not be that our own interests are served because of it, but surely, we gain more from it and feel better about it once something else is given preference to our own nafs. it's weird, that in a heart never preferential to malice or envy, it feels even less of these emotions than possible.

I can really only be there, as a "beloved spiritual nudger", "rock", "holyman", or whatever else is needed from me at the time. how utterly strange this part of my character is to me. a friend once described me as being the type of person that could be anything that another might need from me, whether it be space, an ear, a wall, an outlet, etc.

perhaps my role in this world isn't one who will find his 'one', but help many others find their way. could that be balanced, fair? in my opinion, perfectly so.

2008-05-16T18:28:00.003-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

May Allah curse the ineptitude of inept messaging programs. What good is technology if it can't make a bridge when you ask it to?

2008-05-16T01:09:00.003-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

It's official: I have lost the power cord to this laptop. I am now writing and browsing on borrowed time. The battery icon tells me I have a few hours left, but not only is that not enough to last me, it probably isn't true either. My trillian is acting up and refusing to connect half the time, limiting my access to MSN, AIM, and other services which connect me to the outside world. Granted, I can open my front door and walk outside and I'd not have to worry about the outside world being too far. That would be dandy, if it wasn't for the fact that the outside world I'm looking for happens to be thousands of miles away; it might take a few years' walking/swimming distance. The last few posts I've made, don't seem to be so relevant presently. The stimulus for those outbursts of thought, seems now trapped in a different dimension, a different time. Imagine, a lifetime lived in two days' span. Possible? I might say so, if I can correctly interpret myself in these past few days. It wasn't that the light rain that fell wasn't enough to wash away the dust and debris, but the ground was so thirsty, it soaked it all up as soon as it fell. Who'da thunk it?

What's somewhat ironic is that as I read these lines I'm writing I notice an influence and essence that isn't my own, a style that I don't usually use. A kind of story-like narrative, sporadically sarcastic, noted for undertone and metaphor. My writing, my own personal writing, is direct and self-explanatory; to understand this, one would need a background manual. The notion is insidious, but just so subtly dramatic. Whatever. I have composed a few lines for the 27th, but I think I will have more, much more written by then. Who knows, maybe I'll finally be able write a masterpiece that I haven't felt the need to do for quite some time.

I think I'll go look for that power cord again.

2008-05-14T06:21:00.002-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

for the first time in a long time, I am posting on consecutive days. interesting, the forces that compel me here, but relatively unremarkable in the grand scheme of things. I'm still fully digesting the events of yesterday, just what it means, just how I relate, just how far to invite a (former?) stranger inside a place where I allow few to go. the first step is already in motion. a blog that I've kept since one my more fateful years that has only a handful of posts but no viewers besides myself is now potentially open. why? I imagine it is for the purposes of understanding, and the completion thereof. suffice it to say, barring any unforeseen dramatic exits, this singularity will know much of me almost willingly or otherwise. lol

no, this is not a mirage of love, or some vain concoction like it. if I could try explaining this phenomenon, it would have to be an amalgamation of minds - the first time I can ever say it has happened with someone else. I need not say that I have been searching for some intellectual equal, male or female, from amongst mankind as long as I can remember. one who can write and understand, along somewhat parallel wavelengths, where I seek growth and how life has progressed to the present moment. empathy among people with a real ability to think and decide, is truly rare. one of the only few questions I am left with, is how long would Allah choose to have me taste this sweetness before either it becomes as one with me, or disappears like the mirage of night it first appeared to be. no, it isn't that I question Allah. I've come too far, understood too much, to allow such foolishness fit for lesser minds to hamper my self actualization. some things in life are decreed, howsoever much we may wish them a certain way. while it may not make me happy to know such times, my acceptance of them and knowledge of their necessity as a trial in this life, makes it mostly gravy. still, I am wondering, at this time of early morning, whether I will find this equal again, whether our words will meet as raindrops in a spreading drought or as snow shards left in the upper reaches of atmosphere: will it melt and reform into one, or be blown by gusts of fate to directions unknown? it's obvious I haven't thought this deeply in a long time. for simple enough a reason: I haven't had a person with which to do so. at least, reflections suit me, so they cannot lure me to a house of horror but only a house of possibility.

- will be adding something about a mirage soon -

2008-05-13T21:38:00.003-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

So I am back here again. Why? I'm not entirely sure. It isn't the innate pull of self revelation, nor the desire to lift some hefty burden off of my chest. It isn't even as strong as the typical motivations I have to write something.

I write because I marvel at the hand of fate and its subtle movement. How some paths we plot and plan ourselves, yet they fade to nothing, and some paths of which we carry no inkling, without warning emerge to the surface of our souls from the very depths of our being. I hold no illusions of grandeur, no delusion of sanctity, no farce of fair fate; the only feeling I carry is this awareness that a thing, though it may be of limited purpose and present scope, could impart every single notion I've ever valued outside of deen and the basic premise of my existence, all in one fell swoop.

It could be that a reflection of mine, similar in nature but varying in substance, is finally shone from a corner of the world and a part of life that I hadn't quite expected from. How do I react? What will I do? Will I bury the shovels of my past along side the graves of fallen dreams? Will I create a facade to manage a crisis I don't see but in paranoia might expect anyway?

Simple. I live as if little has changed, but for a glimmer of something greater is given its due. There it is, there it might live, and still there it may die, but I will remember the day it shone bright, without needing to wonder if or why. My past has stayed buried, and as little as I care for it, it plans on staying that way. Facades never were quite my thing, so I'll leave them be and carry on while keeping faith grounded in believing.

from the nearest star..

..fell a dream, into my lap
barely moving, it needed CPR, stat
paddle 1 paddle 2, shock on three
count the lights, hands off, electricity
coursed through veins, depolarizing
a dream in infancy, barely surviving,
it just might make it, begin intubation
blindly, no need for light, I see it clearly.

a patient who fell out of his shuttle,
right before it landed on the moon,
escaped the smoldering rubble,
and not a second too soon,
flames and smoke rose and engulfed,
a lost vantage point blazing the rough,
no real matter, blueprints were in hand,
now to rebuild, across the oceans, across the lands.

2008-04-18T02:56:00.002-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

I don't think this blog really serves any purpose for me anymore. My evolution has come so far, realized so much, I wonder if I will ever find again the need to write and give voice to my thoughts.

It's like a leaf blown off a tree into the wind, only to scatter into a million pieces and be reformed in another land, simply to make fertile the land that would grow another tree.

My poetic touch is being lost. I can't quite explain it. Possibly the pragmatism that's become entrenched in my being from putting deen more fully into life has something to do with it. Words...don't mean as much as they once did. They may be able to cut more easily than knives, but they weigh as much as feathers.

It also dawns on me that I need to find someone. Who, I don't know, why, I'm only half sure of, and how, well that remains the most mysterious part. Let the puzzle begin..

2008-03-13T03:00:00.003-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

Crap. I thought I could manage to post here at least once every month ever since I began this blog, but I guess not. Clinicals started this semester, so that pretty much explains it. Just not enough time, it seems, to do or say all the things either felt or needed to be said.

The world keeps turning, the past gives a bit more insight day by day, and still the path ahead becomes clearer. We weren't made to live this life like kings or queens, maybe princes or princesses if we're fortunate and grateful. So much of what I write, if anything, has words like "seems" or "appears"...nothing particularly definitive, but as I become more certain of my own purpose, a slight gleam for a tomorrow evident but not quite past.

2008-01-15T07:03:00.000-05:00

- in the name of Allah -

First time back posting in awhile, and I happen to check bbc.com for a (brief) update on world affairs. Not surprising, but intriguing nonetheless.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/7188602.stm

That was the top story this Tuesday, the 15th of January. I only needed to read a few paragraphs into it before what I knew from previous developments (see previous blog posts - about 2-3 months ago) was confirmed:

1. "The 900 satellite-guided Joint Direct Attack Munitions being sold to Riyadh are part of a long-awaited US arms package for Gulf Arab allies worth $20bn."

2. "In Washington, Democrats signalled they were unlikely to block the deal, though some in Congress expressed fears that some of the technology being sold could threaten Israel, the BBC's Jonathan Beale in Washington reports."

3. "US state department spokesman Sean McCormack said that both the Saudi and Israeli governments had been consulted and Washington was ensuring Israel retained a "qualitative military edge"."

4. 'Analysts suggest that Congress will back the arms sale because it would bolster the Saudis in the face of Iran. Tehran has been described by House Foreign Affairs Committee chairman Tom Lantos, a Democrat, as a "mortal threat" to the region, should it acquire nuclear weapons."

Nothing but more of the same, a propagation of warfare-inspiring rhetoric and politically-motivated decisions...which leads me to a question: when was the last time someone in our government did something for a reason other than their own political gain? I can't remember...last time I even recall something like that...it was from a movie..

2007-12-15T20:16:00.000-05:00

- in the name of Allah -

echoes of tomorrow

how splendid is poetry, when ears hear, mere words transform from the mediocre into sublimity. if I was never called out from the cave of Never Land, would sounds still make their way down the untrod path?

I have no more ghosts, no more skeletons of haunting, no more fables long since past to bother a present of solid beginnings. as well as these, I carry no regrets from the land of youthful innocence, no care for spears of sanity that once labeled my head a pear for the reaping. parables and soliloquies once parried me from the earth to the seas, from the skies to everything underneath, but now all the extraordinary and paranormal is compressed to 1/100th the meaning of the abyssal. purpose is evident, if not self explanatory, I have only to reach outside of me to find a leading lesson clothed in flesh of friend or foe. though few reside near the philosophical, it's refreshing to head down the road rarely traveled to awaken a mind accosted by the inanity of mindless dribble. who knows what cards lay in the hand of tomorrow, I only know that I will fight the seemingly inevitable with everything whether it be happiness or sorrow.

2007-11-21T01:38:00.000-05:00

- in the name of Allah -

I have just finished watching "Ruroni Kenshin", an anime from the early-mid 1990's. It amazes me how human beings, during the course of history, seem destined to repeat their mistakes. History makes fools of most only to serve as lessons for those who are to inherit the title of 'wise'. But how do we know if we are the fools or the wise?

The first difference is knowing truth. Each and every soul tastes its own during the time it is alive. So how a further distinction made? How is one truth found to be greater or lesser than another? The only truth worth its weight in life (and death, but that comes later), is that this life is transient. It glimmers like gold but all it turns out to be is a fake gold tooth: pretty on the outside, but truly rotten at its core. As such, the concept of entropy should be self evident and self explanatory. The question is, with whom will you side? Will you work to decrease the amount of chaos in your universe? Will you work to increase the chaos of your universe? Or will you choose to sit by and watch it spiral, taking no side and naming no name?

Why is it that in all of major religions, the Devil opposes God? What element of the Devil's existence made such a thing possible? Inevitable? The easy answer is choice. We are told the Devil chose to disobey the command of God. How do the concepts of Good and Evil develop from this? Did Evil come from a place of inherent, pre-existing Evil? Or was it born originally of Good? The widely known notion is that it was born of good. If Evil must come from something Good, then can we determine what is Right and what is Wrong? Are the lines so easily drawn that judgment is the easiest thing for men to do? The lines are blurred, though some remains evident. Because what is Evil was born from something that originally was supposed to Good, it can never equal what it was before. Many people have chosen different paths to the same end. Do we know if we are among the wise or among the foolish?

2007-11-03T01:58:00.001-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

It seems like it's time for me to post here again. The most recent stimulus is a recent, and infrequent outing with close friends. The behavior patters I've observed, in myself and in them, shows me a divergent path of growth: we are going in different directions. Some people choose to hold on to what is familiar to them and discard that which they find foreign or indigestable. It seems like this is happening now. There was a time when my thoughts and actions would almost linearly and proportionally coincide with those of my close friends. Over these past few years, as we develop in different ways and in different environments, some with more people and some with fewer people, this divergent pattern is becoming more and more pronounced. How can this correlation be detected? How do I know that it is based in fact rather than imagination? It is because my tendencies to be somewhat distant and aloof and separate from them now manifests itself in they being closer to themselves. Quite an observation, but it poses a bit of a predicament for me: of what value is social contact if it does increase one in closeness to someone else? I do not choose friends lightly nor is it a thing taken lightly, yet it seems the links I have had are tarnishing even though I have not exhibited full periodic isolation as I had tended to do so before. It is ironic, no doubt, that the one thing I needed over the years yet avoided assiduously ends up being the one thing I would like most but as it would turn out, periodicity in being present and absent isn't a thing some friends can understand or accept. So it is then, is it, that we lose bonds that aren't meant to be? Do we search in the seas of disastrous meetings waiting to happen on the lookout for something else worthwhile? Who knows, only time seems to hold the answers these days.

2007-10-11T16:06:00.000-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

Troubled times pervade troubled minds, souls out of twine seeking restlessly a newer place of repose and recline. An endless circle of drudgery, compounded by idiocy and served loads of insanity, a cycle oft repeated but sadly a lesson never learned, a reminder never internally seated. Oh, what the hell is with these trivialities, these paradoxical unions? They lend each other only further misery...dreams held hand in hand with grounded and base ambitions seeking power and glory...where ends the stretch of meaningless bends and turns? Balance remains for the ideally minded, a species of insects only crushed as time's footprint is the only by-gone standard. So begs the implication, to seek in anything or nothing or perhaps everything the comfort and solace that this world can never bring? Where lies the end in he who seeks not war but is thrust in battle, his soul at wit's end, but at last being the only combatant in sight being torn to shreds and reborn a thing unknown and inevitably hailed as heretic and disowned? I am not lost, I am confounded, the world is made of bricks easily built but easily grounded, so consequently my imaginings of fortitude brought forth in solitude never reach the ever wandering multitude. Nomad, the title never wavers, searching and searching eternally, but only finding crooks and capers. Look past the external, see the in-division, that one is one, matter is whimsical, but what is with these humans who sell their lives to meaningless drives? They become only dribble yet imagine themselves kings and rulers over lands and people incalculable. It's a mirage, intended to fool, intended to hamper, intended to fill with air and send truth to scamper. Refuge and sanctuary, these words seem impossible in this darkened light where only rays filtered by small minds and even smaller hearts break apart potential with 'words of wisdom' shrouded in conflict immemorial.

2007-09-25T05:34:00.001-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

Imagine that, the first post of the month coming with just about a week left. Interesting, that is.

just a little bit of riddle, just a little bit of prison, the flesh is bound to earth even when there's nothing in and of itself to keep hold from within, while the soul wanders from acre to acre clamoring for peace but finding only trees in hurricane winds. there are so few shelters, few people or places worth needing, the decay from greed seeping into grounds poisoning wells of lineage to make it all digestible seeming. to recoil and retract while blessings rain down on this desert of frowns, a luck only I seem to sully being unable to re-phrase the mundane into something supernaturally intriguing. the divide only gets more markedly defined, disconnects at the quantum level, pulls and pushes become ineffective means that only serve to further reasons for rebuttal. holding on to ropes used to be a specialty, but now it's feared that rope is fate, twisted and curled, a grave invitation to a mirage of serenity..

2007-08-24T21:15:00.000-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

Just having come back from Umrah, I am reminded of a few things. First, one never knows how much something is missed until it's no longer there. Second, the things we take for granted are often some of the things most worth thinking about. Third, spirituality in life is centered around finding a concrete middle path, not necessarily a high/low curve. Fourth, one's friends are oftentimes the bricks by which we construct the outline of living; that is, not in defining life but making inroads into progressing towards a better state. Fifth, and perhaps most importantly, Islam has no classes, modes, no extreme/moderate/liberal classifications: it is whole, complete, and free of error; only the preferences and desires of people lead them to one end or the other, though the best path will always be the middle.

I missed being in the States. Can you imagine that? I couldn't, until I left here and went to a 'developing' country overseas. Simply put, the believers living in America are blessed, and tried by those blessings in the same token. Remember the favors Allah has bestowed upon you!..before there should come a time where you remember what it's like to live without a home, or without a family, or without a dependable means of sustenance. The ills of this society are what we must change: it is not that by leaving the land in which we were born (or led to..I speak only to the ~18-24 generation) that we will find peace, but it is by trying to perfect the land we are living that we can be satisfied, insomuch as it is possible knowing our own weaknesses and shortcomings. It is clear enough that of what Allah has prohibited for mankind, we have to find ways to bring that light of understanding to the places where we live. Why? Because if we cannot find our true form here, our true purpose here first, then we will not find it anywhere else. It follows that before we seek to correct the ills of the society at large, the shortcomings of our own selves need first be addressed, again, insomuch as humanly possible. We cannot advise against usury, while bearing usury-bearing bank accounts. We cannot advise against the proliferation of indecency while immersing our selves and our families in such a state. We cannot advise a people to do good, while our own examples betray our advice. The self is, and always has been, the primarily necessitated focus that every conscientious individual must bear, as a burden meant not to bring us down, but to bring the moral and spiritual state of this country higher.

2007-08-16T01:04:00.000-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

After the events of the past few days, I wonder: what is the purpose of pain in life? Is it in fact the means by which weakness leaves the body? Is it the defining characteristic of each individual's life, their attitude towards it? My molar was removed a few days ago, and in the 4 hours following it, before taking any medication, I experienced such a pain as one I have never recollected having before. It's intensity led me to ponder over a number of things. First was the 'worth' of life under such duress; could it, should it be possible, tolerable? Interestingly, the second question led me to the opposite direction: how life is made more worthwhile through the pain that is endured (as patiently as possible that is). If the purpose of pain is to make us stronger, why is it that so many seek to avoid it at all costs? Is this avoidance of pain in itself a weakness? It could be said that this is a product of the times, of the industrial age, where manual labor loses its respect. Concurrently, work that maximizes return for minimal effort is granted an ever higher place in society. Trends such as these are the beginning blocks of the normalization of failure, that start the trickling effect that compounds decadence and ignorance, making the melting pot no longer a melting pot, but a vent of volcanic steam.

2007-08-05T02:09:00.000-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

you can't vanquish the vilified, for their eyes have already been marked closed as the curtains rise, so even though light shines, the rest of day for them is as truth becoming lies. teleport and apparate, jump the skies that planes have navigated, just find a wormhole where time isn't a crushing darkness of the necessitated. chained and bound even though the mouth is open there is no sound, only waves of empathy lost in translation as runes of mystics blurred by speech and linguistic irregularity. caves and pyramids hold the buried treasures, but without explorers the knowledge is as good as nonexistent, just another repercussion of carelessness gone irrevocably rampant. seize the blades before the sieves split open, revealing fate's nameless tokens and suddenly everything visualized becomes lost to the seasons. fill the empty basins with air, but still the pensieve's mist is more substantial so in effect what your putting in isn't really there. like Snape lamented the one part that was his to be played for the world to be saved, I'm reminded that saviors come in many colors and stripes, that even though I want to be a white knight, perchance blue and green may suit me more until falls this curtain of dreams. alas, it's then I can't see myself, my own reflection, not in the mirror of Erised, but that of Hturt, for the wavelengths might be abrogated, stuck in sub-warp speed leaving the image a vision in wonder and question serenaded. flee, flee to the chariot of apathy, take your courtier of courtesy to the shores of antiquity. my bird hasn't yet arrived, but you shall know when it has, made of flames, it doesn't burn but lights the path, awaiting the moment I yield the sword of Gryffindor while myself a silver-green hue screaming 'there's none but One', in justice giving the hordes their due.

2007-07-31T00:27:00.000-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

In case some of you haven't caught some of the recent news, I've posted it here:

In case the meaning of the above points is lost, I'll clarify. Essentially, the U.S. government will be doing what it has been doing for the past century or so: selling arms to 2+ factions in a tense region, and basically letting the warring parties finish each other off. What's interesting from the second point is that the U.S. government assures Israel that it will have top priority in the region in terms of technology and funding, so no matter whatever is given/sold to its neighbors, it remains ahead in the massacres to come. The third point is interesting because Abbas is probably the least (democratically...oh the irony..) popular puppet "representing" the Palestinian people, so essentially not only is Israel supported light years ahead in terms of finances and weaponry, but the side of the Palestinian people being supported is bound to self destruct and cause more in fighting within the Occupied Territories themselves. So what does all of this mean, together? It's a little veiled effort to, essentially, vaporize one of the cores of the Ummah (Jerusalem / Masjid Al-Aqsa). When did things become so bad, that the government felt it was giving off the imitation of fairness by even bothering to release articles like these, affirming what people on the 'in' already knew? I should add, the arms are aimed at hope that the Arab countries finish off Iran first before themselves and each other. This is no fair fight, there is no care for humanitarian crises, only more planning for massive bloodshed and catastrophic instability in a region that's been externally racked by it for decades. How can we preach justice to one side and turn a blind eye to the obviously contradictory truth? It is a sad day indeed.

2007-07-30T00:33:00.000-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

What does it mean when someone you barely thought you knew sticks by you like rubber on glue, and any misspoken word sent their way just bounces on through? It's as if a star fell from the sky, right in my mind, bore an idea that planted a seed that's growing inside. But must always the fruit of light be light? Can it be safe from the darkness, that creeps from day to day in this petty pace, 'till once again falling to night? Alas, it isn't always the intentions' paths that seeds follow, but rather they grow their own colors and shapes to construe or undo parental hopes bled nearly dry. Still, I know this star glows and yet keeps glowing, while my shadows surround it, suffocating it yet it survives in defiance of reason. Akin to the Boy Who Lived, an Idea Who Never Took, but only gave. /sc

2007-07-29T00:05:00.001-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

The time has come for some 'other' thoughts, of slightly out-of-the-loop ponderings, that I feel should have their own moment of lucidity. The (hor)crux of these concerns Harry Potter. My first run in with the series was back in 2000, in my 10th grade English class. My teacher was Mrs. McLaughlin, who gave extra credit if we did book reports on them. It was with that purpose I set out in borrowing the first few books from the library. Yet, here we are today, some 7 years later, where the whole journey comes to a close. What does it mean to care? How can we care about something that is complete fiction, that takes conventional theory of values and systematic society, puts it in a blender, and makes something from it in essence entirely different? What appealed to me most, what still appeals to me now about the whole series, is the many lessons to be found, the many recurrent themes, the eventual discernment that has to be made by the main characters between the things they value, and the choices they must make. As Dumbledore said in one of the books, it is about making the choice between what's right and what is easy. This is the knock on the global society at large, but nonetheless, the emphasis is always held on what choices were made, what path was chosen, by a main character who has the makings of any great leader, with an added bit of Western-styled notions of intellectual rebellion: He wants to be free of his burden, his desire for this is great, but never actually overshadows what he knows his true purpose to be. It's almost as if the entire sphere of Western and Eastern thought were combined, the best of both of them taken, and then an ideal frame of a human being carved out from the heap of molten ideas. To what end? Perhaps the answer lies in that, in this day and age more so than any that ever came before, there is a divide that needs unifying, a bridge that needs crossing, and an understanding from two different planes that needs to be understood. Who could have thought that a work of fiction could mean such a thing, but the actions undertaken by those in it would have so much symbolic significance, that they could propel men to care so much? Alas, caring is but the first step in what is known either as reform or redemption. Many people will read it, simply for the joy of reading and nothing more, glazing over some of the most important aspects of humanity that lay right underneath the surface. To take an example, the character of Severus Snape. What role could such a man play in the grand scheme of it all, given his portrayal by the author, by his relationship to the main characters? He was one disliked, despised, reviled, and downcast. Yet, it is about him which is only found near the end of the book, that redeems his past and present just about completely. Through it all, to what point though? He lived, and died, with a purpose, a goal that he defined (or had defined for him), that remained with him until the last breath he took. So what's to be derived? The very same, that there is more to this life than meets the eye (to semi-quote another almost-classic), that there is more to the notions espoused by religion and philosophy, that for perceptive beings, there can be no other end, no other more lofty ambition or recognition that there is, in fact, One God, and we are, in fact, His creation, made only to worship Him alone.

2007-07-25T00:02:00.001-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

Hmm, I haven't been here since over a week ago. Seems like so long. Having written a number of things here and there, but not particularly anywhere, I guess I'll post what was written while at Assateague Island:

_______________
It's not the world or the heavens on my shoulders, but only my nafs with its deeds to carry when it's all over. Me, the creation, He, the Eternal, the world my vortex while time waits in the middle. Stars support the sky, giving guidance and sight to those with open minds. Though the clouds might distort the view, Ikhlaas reaches through bones to capture the truth.
_______________

Alas, my worry isn't anymore about what tomorrow brings, but about deeds to be sent forth while the Rope stretches out and thins. my simplicity's become my sanity, keeping cohesion while tornadoes of change whip in and out of season. there's no more escape or relapse, the door's been opened and possibility's hatched, from mere thoughts or ideal forms, to concrete tools and rings of ascendancy by jade adorned. tidal waves sometimes seem like sources of mutilation, but how then are shiny rocks etched into beauty's imitation? it takes a little bit of spark, a little catharsis, and a boatload of understanding to realize the end point of it again and again without repeatedly crash landing. we were made only to worship and remember, to give thanks and persevere, to hold ties and set standards for measure, to stand forever as one body held by One tether.

2007-07-16T19:25:00.000-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

Sometimes I think I'd rather sleep, rather shut my eyes than open them so deep. It isn't often minds ever meet, to see the light during both day and night. I have floundered in a sea of singularity, wading knee deep in trial to fetch my end from afar closer to me. True, with every hardship I find ease, and every word He says is in earnest beneficially, though alas at times it seems crowds cannot bridge a tear in the fabric of possibility, when only just another is all there's thought to need. if spirituality has filled my soul, then where belongs the path claimed by mortality? is it just a dream, or is there a method in the madness we just yet don't see? my luggage is now with Allah, though my destination is there as well, my body's stuck in time and space, where it hates to dwell. this world has nothing for me, no dollar can quell my nafs, no vision of buildings stacked on high to make me gasp in awe, no wonder physical to a better conclusion draw. it is true, the hayaat of this world is a prison, not just for the mind, but everything that resides within. I'd forgo the fruits of this and now, to taste the sweetness of there and then. But, alas, there is no escape, the test is tried and true, and over this all reality slowly drapes.

2007-07-15T23:30:00.000-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

Closing Curtains

When the stars fall from their place in the heavens,
When babies are never born and never meet their brethren,

When music etched into souls becomes as records played,
When only the self can propel one enough to save,

When money no longer is enough to fill the emptiness,
When blood has to be spilled to cover the cost of redress,

When people seek from outside what is to be filled within,
When people see sunshine while the evening only further dims,

When the past is a thorn still lingering enough to prick,
When the bonds of brotherhood wither and become a twig,

When judgment is given before trial or explanation,
When reason and truth are no longer enough to suffice pain's satiation,

When the gun is jumped but time never given its due,
When words can't bandage the hurt from what another went through,

When signs don't mean enough to change frozen hearts,
When accountability only concerns one's own part,

When bridges can't be built because there are no bricks,
When people keep their stones and reach a plateau less than half as thick,

When fad determines the worthiness of a path to be taken,
When painlessness takes the place of happiness in station,

When the doors of the soul become shut and the windows opened,
When others can only see but never reach the internally woven,

When wealth and stature repeal the laws of virtue and respect,
When material is the only worthwhile gain and the rest derelict,

When people only see words in their least expressive meaning,
In the stead of hearts who are in vain so fiercely beating

...

Such times, remember Allah, for He is always there
To ease the burden, and bring Victory ever near

2007-07-14T01:23:00.000-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

seeds planted in spring yielded fruit in fall, things I thought I'd counted rightly missed their mark completely and made One enough for it all. brotherhood became a web to catch the valleys, when hills fell from folly. as days stretch to weeks and weeks to months, recovery dissolves into earnest resolve. I don't foresee much anymore, people come and go as shades of kingly thrones fall behind their source and bow to the greater purpose in store. ideas became as ideal as they could without drowning the brain that held them, safeenati became now a means to overcome the treacherous seas. in this world of the ocean's surface, I find tension pretentious, likely to give way to whim of wind without a moment's notice. so it is, the safeena rocks to and fro, supplanting the earth-like solidity with water's conforming-but-adapting reality.

2007-07-08T02:18:00.000-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

I am reminded in these early morning hours just how the journey of this life is made. There is no quick and easy exit, no simple shortcut, no one-line answer to any thoughtful issue. Often, I cannot even envision the wisdom behind some of the events that occur, but it is true that Allah's wisdom isn't one often comprehensible by men. In my life, I have come perilously close to kufr by not being thankful to Allah for the blessings I have received and the disasters from which I have been saved. What is scary to learn, however, is that one can discern from this a pattern without repetition, a pattern without definition, that follows askew the general trend of up's and down's. If someone should fall into a pit, then who can bring them out of it? I fell into such a pit, and though I knew of it, I could not retrieve myself from it. It was Allah who decreed that I see past the darkness of human fallibility and be reminded of the eternal hope of not only redemption, but a promise and possibility of a better life. Since having revisited this conclusion, I find that lows are no longer as low, and highs are held in check by their own selves, simply because some times, one would rather believe something be true when it is not so.

I am learning that it is nigh impossible to expect to be able to communicate with certain elements of people, and expect not the past to be a requisite factor in determining how such interactions develop and mature. The case in question refers to facebook, inconsequential in and of itself, but something a bit more when reinforced with those we think to know. It seems that a certain some thing's relatives have become off limits. How could it be so pretentious, if it is in fact the source of the disconnect? This is a mystery for another time, but one piece of self knowledge is gleaned from such an estimation. Mortality need not run through the hearts of men simply as a fragility leaning toward death, but also through a realization that quakes the soul as fragility of life; we are always more human than we think we are.

2007-07-01T07:05:00.000-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

it seems I'm no longer swimming the seas of the world, though the storms and fires leave little fitnah interred. paths and fortunes remain on cookies, no longer sought after as sources of vindication or cause for jubilation on some midnight summer's eve, for the glow of some lamps is brighter and more lasting, a vision not for flies but those who seek out more than just barely passing. these lines used to be places for me to empty frustrations, pour open tombs of relic melted by time and reformed by not too recent catharsis and conflagration. but every opening that comes from this earth will find its end in the same place, so when the heavens are the goals and directions, purpose becomes more than just simplistic rebellion and mindless dissension. in every means, the end remains unified, whole, unbroken, unlittered, unfettered, consisting of One in almost as many letters. reason and logic, emotion and feeling, all know their source and now comprehend the truth of an irresistible craving. no longer do people or ideas in this world suffice, no longer can they hold back the soul from the precipice, the soul seeks flight, so risk is taken albeit small in my own eyes, that from this leap shall be pulled back the curtains, and beheld a Sight, worth waiting for all time.

2007-06-30T01:58:00.000-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

O Fashioner of the Heavens, O Living One, O Sustainer of Life..

Relieve the difficulties that Muslims are facing in America, and around the world. Make every person of this ummah someone to care about and take care of. Grant shifa'aa, 'aajilan and kaamilan, to those who are sick, and suffering. Give sakeenah to the hearts who pulsate under stress and struggle. Protect our deen from trial, and make us as models for the rest of mankind.

Ameen

2007-06-26T14:18:00.000-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

sometimes I am given pause to wonder just what is the role of one who thinks in this dunya. if we are not involved, do we devolve? are our struggles to integrate schisms of digression, or efforts worthy of investment? I saw something I did not know I would see, yet its meaning and force could not have been felt any more. it brings me to another question, what do we want for others? do we want the same things for them as we do ourselves? if they have attained happiness, then can that, should that be enough? to remove any unnecessary guessing, it was her. a happily married picture. an amalgamation of emotions rose that yielded this very fine point: though sadness can be and oftentimes is inevitable, happiness need not exclude itself from it; one can be both happy and sad, simultaneously. alhamdulillah, this isn't a time, there are no more such times for me, where reminiscing becomes a tragic, vogue tendency. I...have moved on. it is time I unpublished the other blog, and pursue greater meaning, from the kalaam of Allah.

2007-06-21T19:40:00.002-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

(all of this is relevant only to the Muslim ummah, no one else)

After a few days of working at the local masjid, I have made a few observations worthy of being mentioned. It seems that a majority of the sisters of the ummah have a "princess complex", and that would have been fine, had the brothers not also been afflicted with a "fallen prince complex".

Let me elaborate. What I know of female psychology, I know from both textbooks and personal experience, so if it offends anyone, then my condolences beforehand. What I know of male psychology, I know from both textbooks and the fact that I am one. The current trend I am noticing is that sisters are unwilling to shoulder more responsibility than was expected from them according to previous generations of social experience; in the past, a female would have been relegated to roles primarily situated in the "home" and would be considered the primary "caretaker" of the children. Not only were the males expected to provide the income for the family, they were expected to do all the "dirty" and "thankless" work that needed to be done but was obviously undesirable in and of itself (to be fair, the women had their share of such roles). Still, for a number of generations, the males were those who could and would do the work, and so there was some stability as far the family structure goes on a global scale, and how much respect each community and nation paid to its notion in keeping the "family" going attested to this.

These past two generations of males, entailing the last 50-100 years or so, have missed their mark. How can I say this? I can say this by observing the elders of our community, and communities, and by noticing as well the changes in behavior, from what it was expected to have been.

The results of two and a half world wars gives ample evidence for how the failure of the male has come, such a grand scale that it almost passes without notice, almost becoming a listless "evolving" of the male caricature. This is the nature of the "fallen prince complex": the prince being the former role once held by the past generations of Muslim men, who now having fallen from power and from "grace", now suffer a useless ignominy rooted in pride without substance or reason. This is our state today, as men. It is akin to the aging monarch, who sees and has seen his time to rule pass, but cannot and does not know how to convey power or educate the coming generation. Will our generation suffer as our fathers and their fathers suffered? How long can our "princesses" manage the ummah, while our "fallen princes" lament a past long gone? How can we reclaim our place among the nations of this world, and find the throne of the dunya once again in the hands of those who believe?

2007-06-18T01:46:00.001-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

Came across this quote while checking my email (it was part of an ad or something):

"Martin Luther - 'Who loves not women, wine and song remains a fool his whole life long.'"

What interested me about it is the ayah in suratul-Baqarah, when the disbelievers/hypocrites exclaimed "should we believe as the fools believe?" - paraphrased. SubhanAllah. This is so in line with the quote above, as disbelievers love 'women, wine, and song', while the Muslim is required to understand why these things function as vice, and to abstain from them (obvious exception to women - marriage). They call us fools if we love not these things as they do; I, for one, would rather then live my entire life as a such a fool, and then see, in the end, who was truly foolish.

2007-06-17T05:00:00.000-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

It should come as no surprise that as one climbs closer to Allah, the struggles of the nafs become magnified, and every one becomes an epic battle, each side wondering where my end will be. On the one hand, there is call of the dunya, alluring with all of its vice and wealth and promise of fortune. On the other hand, there is the call of the akhirah, ever steady in its bid to enjoin the good and forbid what is evil. It is in these moments of in between where our allegiance is truly tested, where we truly decide whether or not to become or remain people of Allah, or be left to our own devices. I do not regret the struggles, for they make me realize just how precious hidaya (guidance) is, and just how much we need to nourish it with dhikr to make it last, and to make our end, insha'Allah, one of serenity and purpose.

It's been awhile since I feel like something of substance has been written. Maybe...

Choose Your Side

roses and trees, swift rivers and streams, fruit close at hand with no ill will among neighbors and no unease. days and nights merge into one, an outline for eternity begun but never done. fair maidens and favorite friends, mellow companions giving thanks without end. valleys to explore, mysteries becoming only opened doors to understanding more. perhaps most important, a feeling unscripted and without description, happily contented satisfaction brimming over and beyond the notion of bliss, could there be a place such as this?

furnaces and forks, boiling water and pus the main entree served without remorse. screams and wails dot the moments that never finish passing, nails on coffins everlasting. death no more but anguish renewed, their numbers many but their meaning askew. pain and regret, give meaning to disobedience and consequence to the derelict. no smiling faces, only frowns and gaping mouths twisted into permanent scowls, wishes of respite denied quickly and contrite as they themselves denied the truth in life. suffering needs no depiction, but how many know the cure to this affliction?

2007-06-07T22:32:00.000-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

If I was in pieces before, then now I am whole, not because I stand on my own, but because Allah gives me the strength to take command of my soul and follow the truth down any dark or lightened road.

[...a bit later..]

I've built crystalline castles in a past lacking in hustle but full of hassle, the goals I thought I'd meet turned out to be stallions without saddles. Dreams crumbled to dust, but rain fell from the heavens and it became fertile with trust and care, so suddenly what wasn't there appeared, making the path ahead one less thing to fear. I still wonder just how many people I will come to know and have lost, owing to neglect or too great a personal cost. The world spins on capitalist wheels, with an engine of greed and a windshield of blindness concealed. They call these things excuses I peddle, avoiding strain and effort in a society where work taxes and drains until the mind is numb and doesn't remember what to testify or proclaim. To be a part of something, yes the desire is there, but here, now?, in this colossal deceit where the ends justify the means? I hold out as long as I can, until tendrils of fate catch up to me, lacerations unabated of truths they call unequivocal in nature, but in truer reality, a figment of secondary imagining created to satiate those with questions felt but unstated. Perhaps I'm lazy, but it doesn't stop the world from being bloodthirsty over money and willing to debase anything and anyone as long as the cogs in the chain remain acquiescent and believably repentant.

At the very least, they can't claim our minds and the innards of our being, these parts forever will be ours with which to pray and beseech the One above for a path out of this madness to a grave of greater peace and a future worthwhile in the hereafter.

2007-06-02T00:53:00.001-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

It is a sad day when the one you ask forgiveness from forgives you for a wrong they think you feel remorseful for, when in fact, the truth is the anguish of swallowing an emotional injustice whose true meaning only Allah understands. Ultimately, good does become of it, and to a higher place do we go.

2007-05-22T18:22:00.000-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

It isn't often that instead of writing questions on these pages I write answers, but that is what I find myself doing this evening in May. As for my previous post and its question about how to determine where another's place in life should be, the answer always has been simple enough: ask Allah. It makes sense that if one does not know, he should seek the way from the One who does. Things can sometimes be just that simple. Alhamdulillah for that.

Where to go from here? Should we seek the definite outline of tomorrow's plans today, or can something a little less complicated suffice? I think the latter may be possible, especially given my recent experiences. I challenge anyone reading this, that for all the planning that has been done in life, to look for contentment and reply only from Allah in salaat. It is that easy; go figure why it took me just 21.4 years to come to that precise answer. Sometimes we seek from within ourselves the definition of our soul, of who we really are, of what path of the many in front of us we should follow, and sometimes the answer cannot be found from within - not that it necessarily is in the "without" that it can be found. I wrote once, long ago, that it could be the same thing in wanting something for one's self, and wanting something for the sake of Allah; the two are, in essence, synonymous, as never can Allah be benefited or harmed, so it should follow that whatever we do for His pleasure or for our own pleasure, should only come back to help or harm our own selves. So, if we seek the answers to who we are, where should we go, and how should we get there, the circle begins with the self, extends out to Allah, and ends back again in us. This is because first we must have a question, before an answer is sought, and that question almost necessarily begins within the self. Then, finding that nearly in every case, we are unable to map out a reply, we seek guidance from Allah. The best and simplest way is istikharah, a prayer and dua explicitly seeking the best method of resolution, the knowledge of which lies with Allah, and is believed we adopt the path as long as the mind and the heart are open. The last means, is the internalization of what this request to Allah means, of accepting it in the deepest part of the soul, and allowing the truth of existence to flow from idea into practice. We resist it at times, thinking that we can guide ourselves, that our intellect is grand enough to encompass our purpose, but it's only folly. You can only find peace and truth when it dawns upon your mind just why you were made: to worship only One.

2007-05-18T00:22:00.000-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

so the semester is almost over, alh, and I find myself at yet another crossroads. when we meet people in life, how do we determine what purpose they serve, if they will belong in our lives for a moment, a season, or a lifetime? is the only process to finding out by random guessing, or is there another way to sift through the temporal wisps and find something truly substantial? I don't know. in other news, while observing tonight's stars in the sky, the question of destiny and purpose arose once more: just how should/can we define our existence? sure, the basic premise of humanity, taken and accepted as truth, is to worship one God, Allah. but when it comes to the more monotonous and ordinary aspects of day to day life, what is the measuring stick? do we define ourselves according to what others have done? or do we blaze our own paths in risk, hoping for some newfound reward? eventually, the issues of the past can be overcome, but can it be prevented from shaping our present, or our future? how can the distance between ourselves and our Creator be bridged, after we encounter the most prophetic truth in life: that few things are as they seem, and there are no guarantees that one good will beget another, that one justice will mean anything more than the moment in which it was displayed? one may wish the world's weight in good, and commit but one egregious mistake to potentially doom it all - how can this deck of cards be best played when all we have is but 4 cards at a time? the first step in most any answer to such kinds of questioning, is and has to be, patience. though, even that has me at times, pensive; what if all this time which I am giving is my respite, and while waiting for an answer, I meet its end, only to realize when it's too late that I could have better used it? this is why it truly sucks to die young: one is hampered by experience, and the fuller scope of life doesn't really hit you. yet, we are accountable for our actions at any given time after puberty, even in the throes of adolescence, and especially in the twilight zone of early adulthood. there is a middle line somewhere, only I haven't seen it yet.

2007-05-08T20:12:00.000-04:00

- in the name of Allah -

Came across this link on the BBC.com front page, talking about the country of East Timor (geographically southeast of Indonesia / north of Australia) and how it recently (May 20th, 2002) gained its independence from Indonesia, who had been occupying it for years. Initially, this didn't appear to be something new, as it resembled in many ways the American occupation of Iraq. However, what ended up putting the nail in the coffin, was this quote:

"East Timor will rely on outside help for many years since its infrastructure is poor and the country is drought-prone. However, vast offshore oil and gas fields in the Timor Sea hold much potential."

Is it just me or does that ring a bell? Hello oil fields in Iraq. Should anyone be oblivious as to wonder who will be that 'outside help' in rebuilding East Timor? Perhaps the same companies currently contracted to rebuild Iraq? The question of Indonesia's oppression of East Timor is almost irrelevant, and here's why: every region in the world (almost) is beset by some sort of civil unrest, some sort of movement here or there that is struggling against the governments rooted in power to found their own place/land/resources as they see fit, instead of having them controlled by proxies of other governments. One should wonder why one region is seen as more important and worthy of "aid" and "liberation", what factors preclude such decisions as political standing of one group of people versus another. It isn't a surprise that the Timorese gained their independence (let's not forget the colonization of pretty much the entire known world resulted in clear cut disparities between people of many races and ethnicities), but what is cause for wonder and concern is just how that independence will pan out. Is the price of freedom worth the cost of oppression by another's hand, the cost of being looted by those who's interests are even more vastly different from those of Indonesia (who at least has the excuse of geography and ancestry to squabble with them)? I don't know. I imagine it is the wish of every fair-minded individual observing these world events that hopes those who wish for freedom know precisely what they are wishing for, as it just may come true.