- in the name of Allah -

Alh, ramadan has started and it already seems to be bringing in a peaceful aura so dearly missed from before. The question, though,incessantly remains: where are we going? what are we doing? I think much of life is a continual, gradual build-up of coming to know the self. As my own resistance and distaste for incorrigible incongruities of fate with religion and life subside, things are less cynical, less pessimistic. It doesn't mean that optimism has found its roots, yet, for sure. But, as with everything else we expose ourselves to, what begins also has an end, though in some respect humanity is the only (purpose for) exception to that rule; the state and nature of the soul is granted eternity from a singular point of creation. Why, how, morally yes or no, these are all questions I have stopped attempting to discern, for they cannot be. Our answers are simple and rehersed enough to fool the first glance or the second cursory one, but upon further, logical, examination, there are found many things one simply cannot explain/tackle/simplify/ennumerate/delinate/grasp/etc. Perhaps the only consistency I have found in life, albeit one that jumps and leaps over time (so you never know when), is that what you put forth is what you will receive in return. Treat others with respect, and at some point respect will find its way back to you. Dog the world, dog those 'beneath' you, and at some time or other, you will find yourself at the shorter end of the stick. I believe the same holds true for how much 'faith' we place in Allah. Place much, and one learns patience and steadfastness as primary qualities. Place little, and one finds only questions with no answers and solitude with no companion. Slowly, I ease back on track- beginning as usual, in my head. Alhamdulillah for it, as its something as spontaneous as it is gradual in coming. The one who spawned the cracking of the dams should be thanked, so thank you sal and may Allah reward you plenty now and then, ameen. Now, I need sleep for class/suhoor iA.



- in the name of Allah -

sometimes I find that caring can be just as detrimental as being apathetic, though in some ways that might make sense. imagine living life on any/either extreme; what does that set you up for? granted that life, in reality, is often always never unanimous or one-sided or open-and-shut as people think it is, it would mean that attaching dogma of the soul to either end of the spectrum is akin to asking for a letdown, in more ways than one. I find that neutrality is one of the safest places in life, somewhat akin to being in one's own world, except for allowing empathy with anyone and everyone else while maintaining a distance. lately I've been thinking about theories, not specific ones, but the idea of how much they really mean to people in everyday life. as it turns out, I honestly cant say I'd give a damn about them.

in some ways, the truth is always clear. its that people never want to see it. seeing personalized plates with personalized palattes makes more sense to most than seeing a whole, USDA Grade-A egg in the place of a steamed crab. it isnt always easy to distinguish truth, and it probably is a fact that every single position in life, from those of criminals to those of saints, has a main, central focus, that is, at surface, impeccably sound. I take that to mean that the truth, or parts of it, lies in everything. nothing can be a complete lie because we have the ability to attribute meaning, something no machine or statistical formula can do. but, is partial truth enough? I dont think it is. to this day, I dont know how people can look beyond what they want to see, without affecting their vision with their own bias. I think that I see the truth, as distateful or disliked it may be, and yet it is better that I do so instead of ignoring it or blasphemying it. in any case, the truth cant entirely be found within the self, simply because human beings are incomplete. we combine the good with the bad, and live as if everything was ok (or not). because of this, we have to look outside ourselves, get in touch with our inner humanity and soul.

eventually, we should ask "can life exist without purpose?". if you think it can be lived without purpose, I'd suggest go jumping off a bridge. if you think it can't be, I'd say you're on the right track. wonder why? let's use the basic instict of the nature of reason itself. we observe a law of nature that says actions which animals do tend to have meaning, to achieve some productive or destructive end, though never denying themselves the right to be. if I were to take the reason/logic from that statement, put it in a chair beside me, and interview it, the very first self-right it would claim would be that of existence. what thing would want something less than self-perpetuation? hence, reason firstly would want to "live" and not die, that being the order of nature. if it asserts the right of existence, we should probe deeper and likely we would reach the point of contention of all theologians and philosophers: what was before then, if it was meant to exist? in what defense would reason reply? in the very least, it would probably lead us to seek answers of more depth, more sophistry perhaps, than ones we usually settle for.

but a simple analogy may suffice: were life to be without purpose, then it would like having a bottle without a bottle cap; looking at whats inside cant quench your thirst, so what else is there except to open the bottle and find out whats inside?


- in the name of Allah -

So the school year has begun and many times one finds busy-ness the primary occupation, though also dotted with sizable spells of freeness, when the mind can roam and time seems to move a little slower.

I marvel at human relationships, at how one memory, one tiny recollection from months or years ago, can at any present moment, lead one to act. What lever should click in his or her mind, what nuance of apparent negligible consequence could push the button in the consciousness that takes one from thought to action? It is simply amazing.

Anyways, what's more intriguing is the train of reaction/action that might result. Hmm, but it does seem that as time passes, things seem to mean less. What was once held as precious yesterday, is but a glare in the rear view mirror now.

to what end or avail is that wave of goodbye if Im only alive for another day to give death a warm, open greeting with pain as my speech and loss my lone understanding. there's much to be had but even more to be lost, a moment can make the brick on a mountain or break the hardest safe without one calorie's cost. trying is for achieving, but where would that lead? isn't there just a closed road seeming open where bandages cant stop memories from bleeding, a closed road where liars and cheats abound to make money to fuel appetites and divorced families?

- abruptly ended, train of thought derailed by a runny cold -_-