- in the name of Allah -

 cloud 9

how many steps and stairs, bookcases stacked and ladders paired, would it take for me to once again, find my muse without being kept by ether razor-thin? I've wanted so often to take that journey, to find at its end my only abode, a place I've never been, yet a place I've always known. here I still chase that prick, that dainty thorn, that calls from within yet disappears once found, remnants laying seed, later as sadness to be reborn. the mortal coil, I've found, is to what seek a mortal foil, cherished thoughts burnt by worldly sun, as hopes once woven become by fated tapestry undone. it amazes me how every one around, takes in silent sip some secret, some self-told lie, an elixir for all their ills, perfect right before sleep at bedtime. to be not thus bound or weighted, a dream is all I'll seek, whether wisp or wind, in the midst of matter an atom alone, untainted and unscattered.


- in the name of Allah - 

just as every comet the flies across the galaxy, one day eventually finds its return path in orbit, so too do people also re-graze things they once knew as wholly as they once did. it occurs to me that I no longer am 'Nomad', a moniker for one always searching, ever restless, and aiming always to call a new place a home, at least for a short time. 

I belong, have always belonged, exactly where I am. though sometimes people make choices as subconscious reactions to stimuli in life, where and who I am are entirely deliberate aspects of my being. I always have time to re-examine myself, life, and the role I choose to have or not have within it. I chose to be with family after finding incongruity between me and the vast essence of sociality (something I'd rather call 'groupthink and otherwise doing what other people expect'). I have found a few who are not related by blood to me, but whom I can consider as close. maybe this is what everyone is always looking for, cognizant or not, of someone they can bring close to them and with whom they can share some meaningful resonance. I'd venture this is much easier than some expect, and more deep than most realize. often we distance ourselves from others, that this distance may serve as a shield from their problems and nuances becoming known to us, and that we may avoid the drama/hassle/discomfort such a situation would inevitably lead to. 

once upon a time, it was this way for me. I'd choose distance for the familiarity of what I already had, unwilling to bridge gaps made long by time. I find the reasons have changed, but my modus operandi remains similar: amongst people, family is at the top, followed by the few I've decided to get to know and have appreciated their camaraderie. as for those gaps in older relationships, I decided that it is better to let the past rest, then to be constantly reminded of what no longer is. there is no guilt or shame or malice underneath this motive, far as I can tell, but that I am not who I was before, and re-establishing those relationships automatically leads former companions to assume the past as a prerogative of the present - this notion is ludicrous to me, and unavoidable as people hinge on the past by nature and instinct. people change, they do not always desire the same things in the same way with the same attitude they have had in their past. time and circumstance force all to move forward, whether by choice or not. 

finally, why choose 'Dream'? it represents, for me, the last and final place that the creeping doom and malignancy of the world and all its corollaries cannot reach. I once knew a 'dreamer', who dreamed in fantastical, outlandish, magical things, those ideals seared in the core of every romantic's soul. love, emotion over pragmatism, at the root of ones who dream, is often the first victim of all human catastrophes, but the last one to ever receive aid or be noticed if missing. what I seek, and as it turns out, what I have always sought, is invariably beyond these mortal chains, something that I can only taste in dreams; thus my recourse becomes patience, that such bold visions may finally find their own canvas.