- in the name of Allah -

In my past, there was a long period of time where I used to literally hate any idea of qadr/fate/etc, basically any notion that outlined the lack of control human beings have used to be a thorn in my side.

As to why that is the case, it's fairly obvious: who doesn't like being in control of where they go in life? On the surface, no one wants to have their existence go in a direction of someone else's choosing. Had any individual the choice, the most common inclination would be to choose their path for him/her-self. 

Alhamdulillah, I can say that is no longer the case. Within the past few months, I reached the realization that to hate on such notions as qadr and the like, would be to hate on something Allah Himself decreed. Honestly I could conceive of nearly nothing worse than for one to hate something like that..it puts a human being in the unenviable and disastrous position of being opposed to something Allah put into place. Other than shirk, I don't there is anything more full of ingratitude than this. How could I hope to get closer to Allah, have my prayers accepted, anything like that, if I held on to this idea from my past? I don't need to love qadr/etc, but I have come to neutral terms with it alhamdulillah. There is too much in life, in things that have happened and are happening, that one cannot fully grasp, so to hate on something because it outside of my purview is just straight foolish. 

Maybe the simplest root cause for this development is the deeper understanding that Allah does what He wills, and I can't be upset with that. Especially not if I'm trying to seek His ridwaan, to continue like I was previously would be a super-contradiction. inshAllah in time, it will become possible for me to love whatever Allah decrees, whether good or otherwise. This way my connection to Him can be more stable and my own being more impervious to lesser influences. May Allah help me on this journey, and help me to help my ummah along the way similarly, ameen. 


- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah, what a week of ups and downs. Been back in the states for barely 7 days and I can't recall a time quite like it. 

Maybe the most important thing, my eldest uncle passed away this past Monday morning around Fajr time (inna lilAllahi wa inna ilaihi raaji'un) after suffering a stroke on the previous Friday. I knew him somewhat well, he was the only uncle I saw right before leaving for pak in early March, wished me well and was superhappy for me. Turns out it would be the last time I'd see him alive. Hadha qadrAllah wa ma shaa'a fa'ala. Feelings regarding this were hard to pin down. Maybe a deep sadness that I couldn't bring into words, but strangely enough I was quite happy at seeing so many relatives at the hospital and then at the janazah that I hadn't seen in years and decades, and some I'd never even seen prior to that. Of course lot of duas went out for them, especially for my uncle. Thought a few times about what it'd be like to lose my parents in front of me...don't think I would be sane after that personally...I imagine that moment as the worst possible earthquake a heart can feel, torrents of sadness and tears crashing one after the other. No doubt that time is something I never want to happen but it will come. I just hope Allah helps prepare me for it, ameen. 

Among the secondary happenings, had a few ups and downs in lessons learned from being married and how that whole thing goes. Funnily (and expected I guess) enough I got advice and stories I never heard before from my bros and good friend about their marriage. Seems like the troubles I face aren't anything new! Alhamdulillah for past experiences from others and my own to let me know things aren't ever as bad as they might seem in the moment. Just grow past them all with sabr and keep looking at tomorrow. Haven't forgotten a thing about the past, also alhamdulillah. It sheds its light when necessary and needed, when the present times get troubled and grow dim, alhamdulillah. The road I seek is my Rabb's Siraat. May He make it easy for me and my ummah and all my beloved to follow, easily and with grace, ameen ya Rabb-al-'alamin.


- in the name of Allah -

interesting how words can behave like beggars with daggers, small lightweight easy to throw and leave cuts like veins in a leaf that got its heart shredded and scattered. I know well how far such a small event matters, forgotten in a few weeks as though nothing ever happened, but still the scars remain in a memorable pattern, wed newly but seems like an ancient battle being fought endlessly soaked in blood and hazard. recourse the same as it ever was to return and reflect, seeking my Allah's help in the place of any mortal stead, grant me what I need to resume the course and my good end protect, iA. 


- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah, I am now married. For now it still seems somewhat strange, but I figure in time one gets used to the idea.

After the hectic drama of the early stages in getting things ready, to the latter tediousness of meeting a gazillion relatives I had little desire to meet, the matter is settled. Along with it, a certain strand of disquiet I had felt over the years is also resolved. Alhamdulillah for that too. My wife wasn't what I expected, which is to say she far exceeded what I could have thought by a mile. But then I had no idea what to expect, having never been married before and for the longest time not creating for myself any expectations down that road (better said as expectations for any road, but my past already attests to that). 

We talked about so many things, much about our past experiences. I brought up some very tricky/delicate topics that, alhamdulillah entirely, I am very glad to say eventually went over well. Being who I am, I want to be able to share and evoke my emotions/thoughts with people I care about, and especially more so with the woman I married. At first, my wife wanted me to forget the past, but me being me, I tried to give my perspective that there was nothing in my past that brought me pain. On the contrary, I could look back on everything that I went through, the people and person I met and got to know, and then say with perfect clarity that it was a source of light for me, a happiness that I got to find what I did, that I traveled the road I was on to feel what I felt, growing and learning through everything, by the grace of Allah every step of the way. As I mentioned to her, my past, all of my experiences, help define who I am and I would never choose to simply 'delete' them. 

Conventional wisdom says that some things are better left forgotten, but for me, as to that which Allah allows me to remember, there, in it all, I've found only good for me, leaving me with only gratitude that my Rabb guided me through it and didn't abandon me to my own devices no matter how many times my emotion wanted to drown me. This road has not been easy, but it is totally worth it: to be able and willing to empathize with another, to touch another soul and find a resonance that I can recall, knowing how in future others might feel and being a temperance for the people I meet, all of these things my past has been critical to honing. Maybe perhaps the biggest thing I learned from the sum of it all has been to remember tawakkul and relying on Allah, in all things. No matter what dark moments I come across, what annoyances or tragedies show up, that is my fallback, my support, my help, my sustenance- hasbiAllahu wa ni'mal-Wakil. Especially through times I'd rather not have felt anything, Allah helped me stick to it.What does one who relies on his Rabb have to fear? Nothing except Him, and even then, it is a fear borne out of not wanting to lose connection to Allah, of wanting to be pleased with Him and having Him be pleased with me. InshAllah, this is the road I travel, that I may find Allah's ridwan with me when the Last Day comes, that I may find in His gardens all the beauty and solace and truth that I have always sought, Ameen