- in the name of Allah -
Looking forward while holding back, sometimes I wonder: just where am I at? I feel like I've moved past who I used to be yesterday, picked up the strands from tomorrow, but what is this shade I'm sensing, that's got me staring down a barrel short and narrow? Self-created anxieties, propelling myself out from within reality's endless beckoning, it's so much effort at times I think I'll just recede..let the clouds come back in play, take away the sunshine, take away the day..giving me back to night, back to when whim and mindlessness held sway. Though the path might be there for me to take, finding a better road in the mist ahead, how can what I am now be enough to clear me of dread? If anyone besides myself knew the extent of just how feeble my will could become, just how many circles my soul had once trod, they'd say I was one stuck in rewind, fated to play back only too late in time. I have purpose, like I've always had, like I've always felt, but now, none of what happens is in my hands: filling out forms, handing in resumes, the next step in my life has been just one long breath, till now delayed. It's almost deja vu, except I'm supposed to be wiser, supposed to fill in the blanks once my hopes held water, but with a glass near empty and a crack in the side, I'll have to make myself a new pitcher, if at least to parry the tide..
Wow, so that was what comes out after not having written in so long. At least calendars don't lie when it comes to being older. ><