2.18.2018

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ


Something that has been with me for awhile now, a few ayaat from Surah Al-Kahf where Khidr (as) is speaking to Prophet Musa (as) :





To me, this statement by Khidr is one of the most profound in the entire Quran. It describes the human nature and limitation so perfectly, that we find patience extremely difficult, if not impossible, in situations where our knowledge and understanding don't reach. When people complain of the problem of evil and "how could God allow such a thing", this is precisely the kind of result from their being unable to be patient with not grasping something that is beyond them. When I personally face situations where I cannot tell the best of options ahead of me, when the only choice is to go forward while not knowing whether short-term hopes will find fruition...that is the most unpalatable pill imaginable. One cannot determine if the next step taken is to be something lost or something gained, something to exist simply as trial, or something that will continue past the torment of an unknowable future. So predictable is this, so innate to the human being, it is found even in the anbiyaa'. It is one of the most essential struggles we face, to look at what we can't grasp in knowledge and retain patience. I haven't solved this dilemma, it dogs me still, has dogged me for a very long time. 

Ultimately, the road of wondering ends at a very easy stop sign: I am owned by my Rabb. As is every constituent part of me. Whether He chooses to try the body, or the heart, or the soul, or varying parts thereof, it is all His to do with He wills. I lament the unknown, the parts of me that look towards hope and also foresee the loss, partly through recollection of past experiences, but also because I know it would just be what would try me most. I have often asked myself what can dust be reduced to, when one falls to pieces so minute it is as if the mere blowing of wind could scatter them. Yet there have been a few cases where even down to my very atoms I have felt this disintegration, wondering in amazement at what Allah decrees when it surpasses so unimaginably what I can fathom. 

Onwards this test goes, no say in the matter have I, just to keep walking the bridge though oft have I longed to simply jump it, that option was not allowed to me. What will one become at the end of it? Only Allah knows.

 

2.14.2018

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ


Once upon an Eid gone by...

In every sunrise, there's always little streaks of Red that hide
behind the glare of light, or above the clouds formerly of night,

Now, just the day shines, no darkness there to drown or drive,
just the pull of Tomorrow's flight, finding nested alongside dreams 
one's Beacons bright.

The uncertainties of where today leads, of what I may or may not find
pale in comparison, 
to what makes Tomorrow beam, so full of that which words could never describe.

To be worthy enough and know again those souls that reached mine,
echoing resonance as hearts one and same, from our beginning and
beyond the end of time.

 

2.10.2018

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ


This journey, it isn't the span of a second, a minute, a day, not even a month, or year, or decade. The end I'm trying to reach, the proof in me I'm trying to make, to become what I say myself to be. Sometimes patience I can't stand, for all that's unknown, but then there's moments like this, where patience is all I have in hand, biding time like seeds need to grow. Somehow, I have to gaze outside the situation, take perspective on what it is and what it holds, where should the future take root, and what choices for that to be I have to show. There's no glory in these kinds of battles, no stage for spectators, no audience but my Rabb, taking stock of all I am, recording all for when I'm judged. By Your might, oh Allah, ever towards the sky I reach, for even though I'm made of earth, inside me is Your spark, that longs Your light to meet.

2.07.2018

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ


hollowed like an oyster, don't know where's the pearl,
hallowed like a grave, don't know if I'm yet in there,

patience like a poison, from the fangs of time,
a charmer's not what I am, so every inch of me it bites,

waiting is this game, and there's no moves to make,
just for the die of fate to roll, see if Tomorrow becomes today.

~

oh Allah, surround my Gardens with every thing I love,
let it help be what pushes, let it help be what pulls,
me towards seeking ever upward, that which calls above.

oh Allah, let me not drown, in the midst of this absence,
while an answer is what I think I need,
keep me with You always, at least then I'm surely found. 

ameen
  

2.06.2018

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ


Life is this puzzle I can't seem to open, needs so much waiting, so much patience, days drift by, even with all efforts I can fathom, steered forth like rivers dammed for fields of rice in paddies. still I can never stop trying, never stop pushing, opening doors of Tomorrow, no matter the bruises or blisters on fingers. the heart wants to ache like it's made of earth in the middle of a quake, but it's not, and so my Rabb has it held in place, waiting to be unleashed to find its own pace, pouring forth what it's holding like an ocean's wave, ready and willing to carry that one surfette willing and brave, up past all sight of horizons, above even the clouds, to swim the skies amidst the stars, we two comets born of Gardens, imagined from afar.

1.31.2018

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ


My Rabb, the road is Yours, as its ever been. I don't own my self, nor the time I have, nor the hopes I dream, just the sins I claim, all the mistakes I've made, all the pitfalls I've stepped in. What is there for me to say, but that my eyes cannot see, that what I touch turns to ash, that for me, I myself am woefully insufficient? What does a slave do, when he realizes ever more fully how dependent his reality is on You? Would that I could spend every moment laying in prostration, perhaps that would bring me closer to truth in completion. After what I've felt and what I've let go of, I prepare again to face what Tomorrow holds, for though surely I know I'm not enough, still Your decree is for me to live, to face, to challenge again the patterns of this life, maybe perhaps, to find in my wandering, a way up to those heights. 

Sadness and pain are never far from wherever I'm standing, usually upon the edges of cliffs where Tomorrows are beckoning, but for this fool's eyes, he sees but what he might then behold, if he stands but straight and tells no lies. Alas for the home in the heart still vacant, echoing in chambers temporarily left emptied, hoping that my Rabb brings close to me, she who would fill them all.

1.30.2018

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ


for the introverts:

we may be safe but surely suffocated, alone there's no way out, so need to find a way of being while not from others inundated, with impressions of how we aught to think or have our selves re-stated. find the like-minded and similar in soul, bring to the surface, when you know for certain that acceptance is the only road, carved ahead in hope or pain, as the truth is both are same; for those who'd rather think than speak, wisdom is the breaded butter, holding our essence near while silence is all what others hear.

and ultimately, human beings are not enough, they cannot contain all that we need to survive and conceive, paths forward past predicaments peculiar to ones like us who see. if you are of those who reflect and consider, deeply or with emotions as triggers, pull back the curtains and find your Creator, use in whole all senses to reach the truth as effortlessly as time without pause or sight without lenses: His is the universe and all creation, whether hidden or manifested, the call is always back to Him, to reach and retain submission just to One in all conditions.

1.28.2018

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ


whether bitter or sweet, destiny's still the path forward I'm seeking, as I approach each step, it's like bricks being laid, right beneath my feet, as slowly Tomorrow's made from today. there's plenty of times, I can't see an inch past the edge of my eyes, but trying to hold onto trust in my Creator, that from darkness of unknowns, His mercy always shines. my perception's so utterly limited, a blind man clamoring to slake his thirst, grasping for straws to reach a drink, but doesn't quite know where it is. still, sight is His to give to whom He wills; truly, after hardship there is ease, where all my Tomorrows hope they lead. 

1.27.2018

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ


Few things I've recently realized:

  1. A major part of the insanity I felt during the previous month was because of the kind of interaction I had with a prior potential. It wasn't that I inherently was so forward or forceful, not entirely, but that I reflected also her nature and this amplified those aspects in myself. Being like a "hurricane" or "tornado" is how I'd perceived myself in love, but this was factually shortsighted; that was only how love was for me vis-à-vis that particular individual. If the one I'm with feels crazily and recklessly and unpredictably, then so too do I mirror that condition in myself. As I foresaw a future where I could care deeply for her, then I manifested love from that unborn state, a love rooted in its own shades of madness. Truly, this is what happens when the sensitivity of a heart is so high and it is exposed to something brazen and unrestrained and uncontrolled - it wants to fly and be in madness with it. Lol. No, I'd never known a state like this before, never known a person like that before. Lessons learned never cease to amaze me. Love is not a state of madness, even though part of me understands those aspects of it which defy logic and persist regardless of reason. Love, if unpurified, can quite easily become a disease to infect and pollute and destroy the better calling of a person's soul. And how to purify love? This is only possible if it reminds one of Allah, and submits itself to Him entirely. Otherwise, love becomes a tool for the self-serving, self-deluding nafs, always pulling one astray. 
  2. How did I reach the truth behind #1? Because of my interaction with the current potential. Whereas the prior was a means of being enflamed and set ablaze, the present one has the completely opposite effect: calming and soothing while telling so much less about herself. Each step of interaction is a gradual one, any attempts I make, even accidentally, to speed things up get slowed down by her, purposefully and intently. Her psychological intuition and emotional intelligence appear immense, and the strength of character and purpose give her wisdom that leaps ahead of mine in moments I'd never expect. There is little unpredictability, even though I understand only aspects of who she is, details are still limited, many things I cannot yet know. She is up-front and hides behind nothing, except to place the due limits of reservation and modesty and decency in everything she says and does. Every time in life I think I have evolved or understood, I meet a person that makes me think I am so, so far behind. SubhanaAllah. And yet, even in seeing an impression of this potential, next to perfect so far as I can tell, there is no part of the heart that is jumping out of its chest to rush in loving her. It is as if these are the gradual steps people are supposed to take when getting to know someone, that things need not be rushed or forced or askew or vulgar or suggestive, but rather they can be open and honest and still fully inclusive of progress and understanding. Without a doubt, the nafs has not ended itself, it still struggles, but it too is beginning to grasp the kind of potential ideal this person encompasses - if the last one's future potential was amazing, the current one's potential appears fully actualized, right now,  to say absolutely nothing at all of what she may further evolve into going forward. Where does one find words to describe the tests and trials Allah places for us? The degrees of marvel are infinite. 

Interspersed with these reflections is the crystal clear realization that there is one, just one, thing that must absolutely be held on in life regardless of anything else that happens: submission to Allah. Whether if I find what I seek, whether it stays hidden from me, whether the heart breaks or is reformed, whether the sun shines or the rain falls, in all conditions I find myself in, just to be able to submit and remain in submission to Allah, this is the key to life itself. And interestingly enough, I reached this conclusion to clarify my chasing of qadr, especially consciously, one had better realize there is no other way than to always be in submission to Allah. For qadr is but what He decrees, and no matter if that decree is pleasing or displeasing to our limited understanding, the submission to Allah must persist throughout the moment, that our being pleased with Him must remain unaffected by the whims and transitory by-products of this life. How shallow would it be for those who consider themselves His slaves, to be only happy with Him if we are given what we want, but not happy with Him when He decrees for us something else? This is not like the matter of fair-weather fans for hometown teams, this is no game to toy around with in our relationship with Allah. The refuge of a believer has to be Him, always, in all states, whether with ample provision or with nothing but dust, the cognizance has to be that Allah matters most, that our submission, especially in sujood, remains prominent no matter the weather. It is true that we have to swallow difficult pills sometimes, that Allah decrees for us things which might cause sadness or pain or grief. But what is the purpose of all of these, if not to test which person's submission is most perfect? which person's claim to belief is most truthful? These things, I would love for myself to be. That regardless of what afflicts the heart from time to time, whether imagined pain or actual, I would choose submission and to remain so, for as long as I live on this earth. This is, perhaps, the most beautiful thing I can chase in this life, may Allah enable me to find it always, ameen.

1.25.2018

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ


Metamorphosis

don't need to stay like a hurricane, rather turn into a gentle breeze, experience tells me not to blow people away, 'cause it's not like their trees, waiting to be lifted out the way, blown into things that aren't supposed to move or lean. gotta lay easy the metaphors and similes, not drown them with soliloquies of futures they've never seen, though words come like liquid or breathing for me, but for most they're probably an acquired taste, just so they can learn what things mean. also found I can't rush fate, it takes its time like bread needs to rise, can't make it too hot too fast, or it'll burn to a crisp, leaving the inside unbaked and going bad. somehow gotta change my speed to match what others need, move in step with their pace, so we might reach in stride, that Tomorrow from dreams.

1.23.2018

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ




a requiem for f

wish I could have shown you what I'd seen, a vision from a tomorrow, one amongst the infinite possibilities. there was a love there to be felt, a warm embrace to take away all the chills of loneliness. yeah, I've always been at least a little bit crazy, couldn't feel so much in life, have it seep through the soul, all the way down into my bones, without it leaving some mark from all the things I've known. what does a short time matter, when imagination is the Key, turning all the locks from the things that might come to be? it's all gravy, I've no regrets, no pain to carry forward from this experience, just a slight tinge of sadness, that you won't get to see any of those glories, painted on my mind's canvas. be free, be at ease, find in your life serenity, don't forget to pray and remember Allah in every breath you breathe. in this space, on who I am, there might for the rest of time, an etching of those moments remain, where longing was a beautiful pain, one I'd never give, but always cherish for what in me it's made. 

1.22.2018

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ


What would this blog be if it didn't capture the best of times, the worst of times...and the most embarrassing of times?

Officially and for certain, things are over with a potential who inspired the crazy posts of the past month. Without a doubt there was much learned and many mistakes made, but alhamdulillah for everything. 

After all, there's no way to chase Tomorrow without learning from the missteps of today.

1.13.2018

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ


There's no ghosts in my closet, no skeletons there to peek, out from behind a curtain, or a place from where you can't see. There's no part of my past, waiting there to jump out at you, for what I am today, is my choice in the Tomorrow I choose. If there's a blade in what I once was, that cuts you to the bone, then I'll break its edge, and make it smooth so only the future grows. 

1.12.2018

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ


Among various things that come to mind, I recall the story of Ya'qub (as) and his exemplary patience that was so amazing, Allah captured the story in the Quran and uses it as a lesson and reminder for His Messenger (saw). And why would our Messenger (saw) need such a reminder?

When I think on the kinds of things he went through: losing his parents at a young age, becoming an orphan, losing his stalwart uncle who supported him, losing his first wife, losing a number of his children at infancy, rejected and reviled by his people who chased him out of his city, being pelted and mobbed by another town of people just for saying a few words calling to Allah....the list goes on. Yet our Messenger's (saw) heart did not change. He never sought revenge on those wronged him, nor did he become petty and seek to dominate them. 

What kind of a heart must he have had, to endure so much difficulty and hardship and pain and loss, and yet still remain a beacon of mercy and guidance for all of creation? If there a place for me to draw inspiration from, it is from Sayyedina Muhammad (saw). Truly whatever anyone else goes through in comparison to him is insignificant, and if our Nabi (saw) endured worse and remained steady, then how can I, who wish to follow him, proclaim any less? 
بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ


Sometimes love is like a tornado,
no I'm not quite in it
but it feels like I'm still spinning, 
guess that's the price of admission, 
letting go of all control, 
that my Rabb may lift me higher than
any where or any time 
I've ever been.

Some storms, you can see them coming,
others drop from skies clear for miles,
this seems like one
I'd never imagine,
if it wasn't already whirling me inside.

Gotta hold to patience, so that I can find,
the center of it all, the calm of its eye.
There is where the future takes its shape,
never from loss or from pain
but only with love and hope, both sustained
across all of time, across all of space.
 

1.11.2018

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ



Sometimes, the most important thing one can do for a relationship is to give it space, allow it to breathe. I'm only beginning to understand the nuances of this person. It isn't fair for me to try and go at the pace at which I myself feel, because this isn't about me at all. This particular effort is what I want to make happen for her. To be able to match the needs of another heart, means going at her pace, when and where she's comfortable. Alhamdulillah this knowledge calms me quite a bit. 

In the meantime, I'll continue to write because the heart doesn't stay silent, it keeps beating and beating, and though the dream I've found is immense, with Allah there is no fear, just for me to take it step by step by step.
 

1.09.2018

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Muslims have so much to learn from the kind of approach where we move past considering people as "enemies" and allow our differences to exist while trying to still learn from others and teach them about ourselves at the same time. Isolation of communities just breeds more contempt and hatred, talking and mutually respectful discussions (outside of interfaith efforts) where there's just knowledge and perspective exchanged, is truly the path to eliminating bloodshed and spreading truth.

This is one of the reasons I love Br. Nouman and the material he puts out there, may Allah accept his deeds, forgive him all of his sins, and admit him into Jannaat with an easy reckoning, ameen. 

(video courtesy of Bayyinah.TV)








 

1.08.2018

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

[nameless]...

I don't want to bury you in expectation or prose, just lift you up with my hopes, past whatever pain we might have known, into serenity distilled by the path we chose. My trust isn't upon you, or even myself, it's only Allah Who will see my vision through. The only weight on my shoulders is to be mindful of the commands He's ordered, to give truth in kindness without malevolence or arrogance in disguise. 

I'm not a pruner, you're not a tree, I'm not there to cut off who you are, but to help you reach who you could be. I don't seek to control, or to tell you how to live, just to be your solace, against any harm that life may bring. 

Such are my ambitions: to carve from this life, that which brings serenity and joy, for me and the one who would be called my wife.

 

1.07.2018

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

It isn't often that we find all the answers we seek in life, but the latest series of questions I've come across are truly puzzling. What she wanted, what I'd pretty much always longed for, was there: a desire for physical intimacy to match the need of emotional closeness, resulting in an unfathomably beautiful connection that both combined and transcended any human conceptions of what bliss could be like. Who runs away from this? Isn't this the deeply held wish of every human being? Doesn't every person seek to be accepted for who they are without conditions attached? 

 What perplexes me is that I never asked for the same in return, didn't even expect it initially. My reasoning was simply that once a good heart finds this kind of receptive home, it does what comes naturally- reciprocates. Perhaps this was too presumptuous. I suppose not everyone recognizes the potential for love in what it can be, and so they try to boil it down in easy-to-recognize ways like physical intimacy that kind of bypass acknowledging internal emotional needs (which can be quite messy and complicated), just something to be expected from one who doesn't know.

But love is amazing. It is not a thing to be confined to what we can see with our eyes or do with our bodies, it is the ability to bring both the seen and the unseen aspects of the heart's longing and what the soul wishes for, all together in one relationship. I don't want simply pleasure for pleasure's sake, to be something that prevents from purity and making connections, but instead something that's found where it should be found, in marriage, with a wife who doesn't fear her own needs and wants being met even if she thinks she can't give the same in return. The smile and joy in my wife would suffice me for any acceptance from her I need. 

I have found this is definitely true: getting involved with me is like meeting a hurricane - there's only calm there once a person reaches my center. I wish this recent potential understood, there is nothing there to fear, nothing there to run away from. One's own insecurities mean nothing if another has accepted you, just be brave and open your own heart and self in return and find that which you sought most reach you. 

But it is true, as always, that Allah does as He wills. If He turns her heart away despite this, then that's alright as it's His decree is what I'm chasing and hoping to be a part of, that every situation I come across is something that lifts me closer towards Him, perhaps making me ever-so-slightly more worthy of His rahmah that I can never do without, ameen.

...And if He turns her heart towards this? Then with His permission I get to spend the rest of our lives bringing to life what I've painted in my mind, of pictures and scenes where the ideal becomes manifest reality. The most favorite part for me might be creating the anticipation for each following day, and not just in this life, but turning Jannah into a tangible goal for her, a place she wants to belong to because it was made to be sought after. 

InshaAllah :)

1.06.2018

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 SubhanaAllah. It seems like the recent adventure with a potential is over. Far too short for my liking, but Allah does as He wills. It is just for me to accept what He decreed for me to feel, and what He put in her heart to do.

I accepted her fully, completely, was maybe one or two steps away from loving her - while not knowing much about her other than I'd gleaned she had a good heart and was beautiful. It was interesting that she sought in me someone religious, but that the many quirks of my being came off too strongly. It would be nice if Allah allowed that connection to be completed, but if He wills me another direction, then He's always been my Rabb and me just His slave trying to find my way to His ultimate rahmah. 

I am over my past, wal-alhamdulillah, but I don't fear it nor do I run from it. I love whom I love without condition or reserve, they need not earn it but to be who they have always shown themselves to me as. My past is a record of where I came from, who I once was, but it doesn't define me nor does it strangle me. Quite the opposite, it reminds me most poetically of the mercy of Allah in how He guided me through some very tumultuous times, how He allowed me to know a few truly beautiful people that might serve as templates for me of what's worth chasing.

Onwards it is I have to go, being me in all that I am, that I might find someone inshaAllah who wants to love like I do: completely and wholly, who is undaunted by being loved, who knows that ultimately she's returning to Allah and so her wisdom better be to find a like-minded soul. Hint. Hint. 

:D


12.29.2017

- in the name of Allah -


While I don't know what Tomorrow holds, I know Who holds Tomorrow: Allah, as He ever has. Every day, every moment, every step a reminder that everything is His, and for me there's just to seek Him always.

12.28.2017

- in the name of Allah -

She's a tremor in my earth, tilting expectations from their perch, what's me is still me, but still reverberating with what could be made of me and her. She's a trip I've not yet taken, a fruit I've not yet tasted, how crazy is this road Allah placed for me, to long here for things from dreams? 

She's truly more than the sum of her all parts, but I don't think she knows, as the most important one is often missed, when by all the flesh it's clothed. If she could see herself, past the outer surface, past what others must have told her she's worth, then perhaps the journey for her being whole might start: with that most precious piece, her heart.

If she fears to grow, if she fears to find, things beyond her eyes, then she should know, in this life there's no pleasure ever, without its pain entwined.

If she wants to find her Garden, if she wants to breathe its ever-lasting peace, if she wants to know what bliss is truly like, with no conditions underneath, then her Rabb gives her this chance to take the hand, of this nomad who chases but his Garden's Peak.

12.27.2017

- in the name of Allah -

For [nameless]

So I called Tomorrow today, she said "go for a run if you wanna change, let go of the tension, and catch me in your arms some day".

And so I decided to give chase and ran, no matter the cold, no matter the bumps along the way.

Alhamdulillah, for lessons so easily made.

~

Fear not the pool I am, you it would never drown, it just takes a little trust, to learn your way around. InshaAllah soon you'll float, then later swim, like fish in open seas, breathing life through water in. 



12.26.2017

- in the name of Allah -


Ya Rabb, if I said I knew this was a test, might that be the end of it?..

..Somehow I knew it would not be so easy, not so fast. 

From a post on fb by an Ustadha Hassan:
Did you know that the word "museeba", loosely translated to mean "calamity", comes from the root Arabic word, صو ب, which denotes an arrow which has struck its final resting place, its designated target.
When we are struck by "calamities" our first instinct is to cry out "why me?". But the amazing fact is that this hardship, this museeba, was never intended for anyone else but you. You were not in the wrong place at the wrong time. This was not an accident that could have been avoided. It was a blow that was intended to land exactly where it landed, by the One who knows you intimately and knows exactly what you can and cannot handle.
Our calamities? They are custom-designed, "couture" trials tailor made for us by the One who knows our dimensions and our fit perfectly. And how could He not, when He fashioned us and graced us with every gift we enjoy?

So, so much this. While I have no need to cry out 'why me' (lol I know exactly why me, it couldn't be any other way), the present museeba being faced is so beautifully, precisely made for my nature that it boggles the mind. 

But for me, for some time now, I've accepted I am His. What's truly mind-blowing, in all respects, is that the road ahead of this museeba could go in a few different directions:

1- it goes completely sideways, what I think I see is not it at ALL, Allah turns it flip upside down worse than Fresh Prince-style, and then He sees if I follow through with my word and stated resolve in being His slave

2- it finds its way to agonizing completion, what I think I see ends up really being there, and Allah tests me to see if I am grateful for this unimaginably amazing-beyond-belief gift in this dunya

3- it gets stuck in some middle gear, a la Friends, and ends up stalling into oblivion, Allah tests me to see if I try again and continue to seek His aid while doing so

 The incomprehensible part here is that is the museeba could fly both ways, either working or not. Yes, obviously, going by logical deduction it's completely DUH, but that multiple outcomes exist..and one of them might be the second! It's sheer insanity!

smh, this affliction...Allah knows better, always. I thought it'd run its course with me in the past, yet it turns out not done yet. My evolving doesn't cease, it continues, the trials don't get smaller, just bigger. Nope, no coincidences, just exactly like it was supposed to be. Duas I make it to the finish line intact with my Rabb pleased with me, will always be appreciated.

12.25.2017

- in the name of Allah-


How nice and safe it would be if people like me could know and feel without letting down any walls, without having to find out if it really was the sky outside that fell on people all. But this organ in the chest, it beats on its own, not by my will or choice or whim, nothing me for to start or stop, except, a door to open in trying to reach another with whatever of me that's left. In submission to Allah, what I'm really learning, is each and every experience is a piece of the puzzle, that I have to fit, regardless what pain around the corner may be hiding. Whether it means to leap off cliffs towards a slightly-far-away bridge, or to keep away that which might take me farther away from Him, the unknowing is heavy beyond words but a knowledge I have to carry regardless. it's true, my eyes may as well be closed for all the good they to me might show, but for whatever it's worth they're open and seeking, affecting the hoping and needing and breathing, though at times it would suffice for each of these to be unneeded and to swim simply in echoes and beckons unfeeling. But to wallow in this self-imagined misery was not the point of aims matured so far into tomorrow eternally, this and these remain but further tests of my soul and all inside me that rests, to see if the better path I choose and if I hold on to Him despite whatever life makes me think it is I might lose...by Allah, the Rope I will hold, by His permission and the mercy thus far He's shown, forward it is I must go, that I may chase forever those Gates of Firdaus.