- in the name of Allah -

Random thought from yesterday:

For the one who seeks life, he is chased by death. 
For the one who seeks death, life chases after him.


- in the name of Allah -

From the end of "The Weaver's Lament", last book in 'Symphony of Ages':
“Come!” she called once more. Her
voice was musical, but held none of the
power of the ring of the Namer. Her eyes
met his, and her smile broadened.
“Come with us, if you want to live!”
As the gate crumbled before his eyes,
and the sea began to rush in, Achmed’s
heart leapt, and he could not help
He threw his head back, as he had
never before done in his life, and began
to laugh uproariously.
Then he ran for the doorway and
climbed through it.
Into arms that were waiting to
embrace him.
Welcoming him.

After all his journeys through
darkness, above and below the surface
of the Earth, into the Light.


 Through a story that was sometimes great, sometimes annoying in its repetition, I have to say this ending fits. Perhaps fits me more than can be imagined, as I seek also the end of my journey, a path to Allah that finishes my time on earth into Truth that calls me so strongly existence begins to pale in comparison. But yet His qadr is I live, keep breathing for purposes of finding guidance, maybe give a little reflection and hope to any and all of my beloved, that a desire to meet Al-Haq be lit in their bones as well as mine. Ultimately, where are we going, if not back to Him from whence we came?


- in the name of Allah -

there's no medications for me to take, no way to end this dissonance, that keeps me, so out of place.
like how all humanity can suffice with pills and remedies, to snuff out what their souls can't stand, so they can feel as they please; I have no such off-switch, no means to keep the nafs in line, beyond what strength the heart deigns to give, in rare cases it hasn't yet encased itself in ice. fitan, trials of tests measuring mettle and essence, seems like I can only fail them all, as shallowness abounds me in abundance regardless of efforts. what good are any depths I might find, any wisdoms I learn, if alone in me they're left, with none else to share and discern? how can I reach any other soul, when this age I've come to, is when folk let die their dreams, making normalcy their abode?


- in the name of Allah -

Still breathing, still alive, beyond my own will there's forces my self keeping, standing, walking, eating, while the rebel in me that disdained forever this cage, screams in unspent rage at things he cannot do or have or say, of tests looped ad infinitum. while nearly driven to madness like a cup overflowing to brim. A friend wished once he was a blade of grass, though on such a grounded wish I'd surely pass, for myself I'd be the birds and their wings, carried off by wind and will, to places nearby or places beyond human reach. Always the air, whether in storms or weather fair, always a route to be found for the avian with energy to expend, if it ever sought to find Elsweyr.

These lungs, they're borrowed, same as the skin and the bones, both the hollow and marrowed, these cells and physiologies, keeping in pace the rhythm of hearts and the body's means, no credit of mine to take wherein there's nothing there I made, but still the soul seeks its breeze, flapping against currents only it can feel and see, trapped betwixt the ledge of this never-ending Present, and where tomorrow like a (sometimes fading) fancy gleams. Agony is my cellmate, so long as I live in life and breathe, becoming the blanket for when the chill of things left distant still, pervading through  stones and seeping through barred windowsills.

If there's one plea I can always make, whether the heart beats, or lies buried at stake, it is that an end to the dissonance between existence and myself, is not far off the course in time for me to help, that I never linger in life for a second more, than qadr itself has for me in store.


- in the name of Allah -

While I find myself utterly lacking for its qualification, I have to say the Akhirah pulls at me like only the best of Allah's gifts could:

The recitation, audio, visuals, everything..subhanaAllah


- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah, Ramadan. Not the funnest time of year, but one where it's easiest to find moments of spiritual reflection. Though to me it always seemed to reinforce the sense of a prison on top of a prison (on top of a prison), that doesn't take anything away from the opportunities it gives. 

Each second, every minute, represent little gateways to improving or creating a connection to Allah, a concept so vast its true benefit and import can never really be grasped. Still worth it. Human beings are limited in the time and space and frame of mind and expectation (or lack thereof) of their daily existence, so we can never fully appreciate the kinds of favors we're shown. But they're still there, waiting for us to make some mention of shukr to Allah. 

As of late, I've been fairly even-tempered in most aspects. Still not able to tap into the emotional depth as I had some weeks back, but I suppose this is partly due to the inherent need people have to connect that finds itself always kinda limited in my case. Dad's health is getting worse-ish, chemo treatments aside, it's as if there's little left but preparation for the end. It might be that eventuality links in to my current state, giving some reasoning for its distanceness, difficulty in being able to hold any emotion for any length of time. It's extremely ironic: those who'd seek to escape and avoid their mortality find it in front of them, yet those who'd embrace their impending end find it only ever out of reach, secretly hidden in a vault of the future they're not privy to. Alas. 

I've also recently deduced I can't exactly keep my entire focus on tomorrow, on hopes of Jannah, as much I'd want. For if I did, as I have a bit recently, then I sort of lose sight of a great deal of what's in front of me, and maybe worse, I want deeply to be disconnected from what is the present and find myself in tomorrow, a paradox because tomorrow is by definition slightly out of reach for me, and like the hamster on its wheel I'm stuck constantly engaged in living in the present. There's no getting around these aspects of the mortal coil, much as I wish it wasn't, much as the soul longs to be free of its physical cages. But, alhamdulillah, I can still sometimes look forward, see into a place just barely imagined, and it serves as just enough fuel for the moments I now inhabit. Just enough that the torches lit haven't vanished, just enough that my Haq calls me to Him in tones always repeating. 

One of the things most endearing about my deen, and there are so many, but one of its most beautiful and beneficent aspects is in this hadith: "The Messenger of Allah صلى الله عليه وسلم  said, “The supplication of a Muslim for his brother in his absence will certainly be answered. Every time he makes a supplication for good for his brother, the angel appointed for this particular task says: `Ameen! May it be for you, too’.” [Muslim]. " So all one has to do is make dua for his fellow brethren, and that same good automatically comes back to him, a built-in mechanism to combine the aspects of selflessness and selfishness in the best possible way: wanting good for others and for ourselves, by means of making dua for others. Can it get any easier than that? Not at all. The magnanimity in Islam is so far surpassing anything humans could devise, always calling to the inherent good in us. 

Alhamdulillah. Have a few epics to write, one for later this month and another for Septemberish. InshaAllah, should be interesting ( : o


- in the name of Allah - 

for me yesterdays hold no pain, they're nothing but lessons and memories, building blocks for castles where at last the soul can breathe. for me todays are gone in a haze, instants and instances to implement the wisdoms learned or beg forgiveness from Him of insolence or ignorance displayed. 

truly, for me, tomorrows hold all the promise, tomorrows are why life remains today, tomorrows are how the past finds its meaning framed. in the midst of this exam, while humanity all lurches from fail to pass to fail again, from sorrow to elation, from boredom to fascination, from whim to will, from compassion to indignation; my clarion call resounds from chambers I haven't yet fathomed, halls of glory and splendor, company than that even brighter and better, joys expounding exhilaration and ecstasy inhaled without measure, such moments picture perfect to paint for hearts fulfilled and wholesome. 
If must the dreamer dream, and in this twilight zone in which we live, I see no more worthy endeavor gleam, then set upon your sights, goals of highest rank and Beauty's light, that shadows and lusts alike might fall away to dust, so when rises our dawn from this shallow dusk, we might breathe as those who Believe, looking forward to the meeting of their Rabb.


- in the name of Allah -

Rhapsody inhaled. “It was not,” she
said, her voice ringing with a Namer’s
truth. “You cannot purge anything that
has happened to you, as if it were an
impurity of steel to be smelted away in a
forge fire. All that has gone before has
made you what you are, like notes in a
symphony. Whole or lame, you are who
you are. Ryle hira, as the Lirin say. Life
is what it is. Forgive yourself.”

-Symphony of Ages, Book 6


- in the name of Allah -


sometimes a figment, sometimes a phantom, ever-weary of the road, so oft it's travelled. for normal people what might seem like depressions, for me become a cause for the lost heart submersed at the bottom of oceans. fading so deep I can't hear its beating, body alive as echoes of pulse, but like I'm dispossessed in my own limbs, watching this ghost move and follow through the motions. the heart has always been my center, around which revolves all my being, an axis serving as lens and interpreter, so when it feigns death in nonexistence all I can feel is the shadow of nothing without even a shudder. this organ, if whole then the rest is sound and noble towards its End and goal, but yet when absent or estranged, this organ leads the rest of me towards dissolution and decay; so how can I keep it going, keep its ticking apace even when life or time try to take their toll, even when against me my self becomes an enemy avowed, open to behold? 

my recourse as ever is Allah, though in such moments I can "want" scarcely anything, so life forges forward, as though frozen and merely in hibernation, a living death not quite as dramatic when the ice's age by qadr alone is sublimated. duas would be beloved, returned by angels and my Rabb many fold.


- in the name of Allah -

from ~5/11-5/13
in between the lines, right below the surface, oscillate those echoes, their absence where the hurt is. Need - a wound long healed yet bleeding regardless, let's skip past surgery, would settle for a bandage, staunch the rivulets of Red, might be better if I found a tourniquet, maybe lose a limb, but kept as whole whatever's left: doesn't seem like much, as the heart's abated, no calling from within, just vast gaping seams of nothingness. 

in these moments, my being evaporates to mist, while I search for rain, to quell a void I'd rather keep than give. here's to a spring that never ends, except for when autumn comes around the bend, here's to thunderclouds and downpours, that turn their distant rumbles into roars...a day will come to pass, where the winds blow just right across my face, so my soul can cherish at last its moment, and into that wind escapes. 

- in the name of Allah -

Regardless, ~5/4

Even if I should not find, on my earthen road, a soul to mirror in earnest, a hand for this time to hold, then that is simply what was His decree, that I seek but Him, with what He gave to me of means. In life, I've touched a soul at least once, maybe twice, seen the road paved from heart to heart, that spurned the lesser for what was found inside; 'twas a light that burned its brightest in hope, with fuel as all that which makes one whole. Were these the steps I had to take, to walk down inside my grave, with peace my Rabb prepared my place, then what have I left of complaint? 

For all the softly-sorrow that in my words does drift, there's so much beyond death's door, for which find I reason in to live. Worldly riches will never suffice, this wealth that erodes by passage of wind and water and time. Only that which He describes, of whim and wish brought to life, as gifts from the Everlasting, gifts to always abide - these are all that can for me suffice.


- in the name of Allah -

I created not the sun, nor the brightness of its light,
I created not the moon, nor the respite of its shade,
I created not their orbits, as one sets the other to rise,

Of the earth, its mountains and their quakes,
Of the stars, their positions fixed, 'til rent from place,
Of the seas, from which come tides that daily change.

All of these, utterly far above my being, 
My Creator's gifts, into which I can scarcely see, 

Surely He is Allah, the First, the Final, the King,
Who holds my soul, and directs forth all that is.



- in the name of Allah -

Sometimes I'm just a snow-capped peak, letting the wind drift over my slopes and eaves, there's a resonance out there I can't meet, transposing itself from summary of mistakes into a dream. All my moments are reverberations, reaching out across the skies, endless visitations, to places life keeps me blind to, but eyes of the heart dare to stay open. A shade of madness is never far from the place I live, a cubic one-way prism, trying to filter out all the sorrows that seep from people's souls in modes they don't conceive in. As if it wasn't enough, to hear from empty minds the struggles of inanity that keeps them occupied, my own beating chambers once in awhile try bursting on for size, maybe simply because they're bored with just pumping blood in vessels and veins, try testing the inner limits on the metaphysical plane. This one place once described my state as an INTJ, realities reflecting me almost to the letter, surely out there in the wide world there's another being who feels in vibrations similar. Perhaps when I'm ready, when these momentary shutters pull back and reveal the clouds and rain in all the finery of weather, I can look around and keep tap-tap-tapping on a keyboard to see if I can touch 1 heart more, a totally legit trifecta topping off all the best days long awaited in Firdausian treasure.


- in the name of Allah -

"10 years worth"

A decade, it isn't very long at all, not from the lens of the universe and time itself. Human beings don't get to live that long, our 60-80 years will feel like just a few hours on Judgment Day, when death is ended and immortality is the only outcome.

In a sense, those 10 years were like the blink of an eye, and for my own sake, I hope every decade I have left is like that too - so long as I remember Allah in all the ones that remain. I truly wish there were more echoes for me to listen to, more aspects of knowing of your state of being I could internalize, but for now there don't seem to be. 

But there might be something of an echo remaining, interestingly found on the last minute or so of Fly On. As I was listening the first time through it, the finality and sort of conclusive tone of departure came a little close to another Breaking. Alhamdulillah though, it was quite near the end where the brightest part of it shone for me. In just a few prepositions, a "with" here and "next to" there, the entire essence of it all shifts, encompassing not just the letting go and moving on, but the most vital aspect of akhirah being complete. 

SubhanAllah, whatever Allah puts in place, there's nothing in life that can take it away; no doubt one of the strongest reasons one finds to keep hope with Him for tomorrow.


- in the name of Allah -

“There is no reason for love. It just is.
And when it’s there, it endures, even
when it shouldn’t. Even when you try to
make it go away. It’s hard to make it die.
I’ve learned it’s also unnecessary—and
unwise. It only lessens you for it. So you
accept it. You lock it away. You let it
stay. You don’t deliberately kill love.
You just don’t act on it.”

- Rhapsody, "Destiny - Child of the Sky"


- in the name of Allah -

There's just one issue with the wellspring of the Future; it isn't the Present yet.



- in the name of Allah -

Among the steps one takes in life, sometimes the endings are just as important and necessary as the beginnings. The journey I began in getting married last March concluded recently, after long and extensive deliberation. Took many people's opinions and insights, weighed as many factors as I could fathom, made istikharah on my decision, and so it was made.

There was enough of pain and friction in that time, but still have to say alhamdulillah that it forced me to grow in ways I just hadn't accepted ever before. I never got into it expecting or hoping it would end, my only rationale and purpose in it was to have a chance at finding light down the road in life. I didn't assume she would be the light, but it was amazingly ironic that the ex made my desire to find that brightness so much more intense and tangible, while herself turning out to not be part of that road for long. Regardless, I hope Allah forgives her and I both of our mistakes, and makes our way to Him exceedingly easy, ameen.

If I hadn't felt through this experience what I did, my ambition wouldn't be nearly as defined as it is, my resolve not remotely as strong. What Allah says about His tests is true, He created life and death to see which of us is better in deed, gave people wealth and children and made some as trials for others - to test the claims of their belief. Can't fall backwards now, have to press onward, keep the sight trained on the end it seeks, perhaps finding along the way someone who wants to be part of that goal inshaAllah.


- in the name of Allah -

even as words of patience tumble from the tongue, there's still a part inside that crumbles at dunya's insistence of people or a person at distance. no doubt it's better, safer, and I won't mind sooner, or later, but this very second it's a tiny thorn's prick of what's doubtless a test for the waiter. I wish I could see the moon through the clouds Allah placed, through the fog of rain and things that condense and evaporate, but the journey is still there to be made. there's a folly of mine that runs so deep it might as well color me blind, but by His mercy and what He orchestrates of fate, there's not a thing in life had I the choice I'd choose to change; this momentary pain, this credible lapse in my defenses, just a flicker of my mortality breaking through the fortress, reminding me the journey only for now seems endless. 

- in the name of Allah -

Somewhere along this road I've walked, I picked up the talent of dreaming. Not really daydreaming, nothing so absent-minded, but more akin to mental visualization on a whole other scale. It wasn't always true of me, for awhile there I was just one who thought deeply. Then, after the first evolution, it became one who thought and felt deeply. Later, now after years of near-drowning in those figurative depths, alhamdulillah the key to balance became clear: becoming one who dreamt as deeply as I thought and felt.

Couldn't have found the sparks on my own, needless to say Allah gave me the chance to take this path in a way where I could connect all of the dots, take as much time as I needed, frame from a lifetime still being lived not just the meaning of the past evolving into the present, but a wellspring for the future. To reach the peak of peaks, to give myself the chance at Allah's mercy and ridwaan, will take a great deal of patience. Patience to be content with life moving as fast or slow as it does, patience with not being able to know some things I would like to (like how one is faring), patience while feeling like I'm moving or thinking a million miles a second while life around is nearly standing still. All of it though, worth it in the end, bi ithniAllah. 


- in the name of Allah -

Sometimes, it's the smallest of victories won that need to be cherished, the ones to give and sustain hope in the face of odds made immense by our weakness. I find the path of imaan isn't a linear road, or even simply up/down, even within the highs and lows there are more slight bumps or depressions (physical, and otherwise). Any particular chance one finds to revel in as success against the shayateen, any opportunity that did not go entirely to waste, has to be celebrated. Life is so short, the uphill climb at times gets so steep, each of these mini-victories is something that should bring about its own joy and sense of gratitude to Allah for having seen it. 

Once I read that one whom Allah put in people's company should not wish for solitude, for he was placed there for a reason and purpose: either to find reminders from them or warning of attitudes/actions that he himself should avoid; likewise, one whom Allah put in solitude should not be found wanting for the presence of people's company, as those moments of quiet are ripe for contemplation on Allah and one's life with respect to Him. Lol interesting I find myself often enough tugged towards either end, either missing people when they aren't around or missing solitude when people are there. Such remains the paradox of living I have yet to overcome >_>. Of course if I had my own guess I would always say it's the right company being missed, that not just anyone can suffice, but 'tis not a thing I can seek in dunya anyways. Still, the moments are there where we aught to look for the blessings underneath even and especially if they aren't apparent to our eyes at first.



- in the name of Allah -

Hear me, O beloved pieces of my heart, the happiness you wished for me wasn't where we thought it would be found, not in any mortal's hands, all along it was with Allah, in submitting to Him, seeking Him at journey's end and its start. I beg of you: look towards your Rabb for each and every need, make Him your lasting Friend and Comforter, releasing into His care all your pains and pleas. Our journey here is so short, value here so fleeting, let us keep our eyes upon those highest plains of Paradise; worry not your that your deeds may not suffice, for I know neither will mine, but rather all my hopes and aims, I've packaged to Allah and leave it to Him to make sublime. For the love of all that is good and true, hold dearly to Allah's Rope, His Words, fear His anger, crave His mercy, know your weaknesses and use them as seeds for humility in prostration to Him, there will never be a greater gift He gives than His guidance, for it leads to all His blessings, a mercy enrapturing His slave, to lift us out of darknesses towards His light.


- in the name of Allah -

I've come to know that of the things I have imagined in Firdaus, the completion of the heart is quite literally among the smallest of blessings that await. In a place where the khair is always increasing, where the only company is of the good and the better and the best, where every joy is magnified over time instead of diminished, the heart being whole is truly just the very tip of the iceberg. 

Consider, for example, meeting the anbiyaa'. Imagine the stories and experiences they have to tell, their knowledge and closeness to Allah, the fruits of their lives and the things they each personally enjoy. What unfathomable treasures of history and human fortitude and blessed company. On top of this, meeting our Nabi (saw) himself. What tale would he have to tell us, the first and foremost of our ummah, the human being who laid the seeds for spreading and growing Islam into the most beautiful deen the world will ever know? Imagine his pleasure at seeing those who followed him centuries later, holding on to his words for so long while having never met him in dunya. How much joy will he feel to see those among the latter generations? And how much joy would it be for us to simply revel in his? 

There is so much more to these potential blessings than I've given them credit for, even more degrees of amazing than I ever previously thought. Gazing upward, there truly are no limits to how far Allah's mercy can take us. 

 Still, with all of this excellence and immensity, the completion of the heart remains a key component of the overall vision. It is always hoped that my sun and my moon develop and retain their desire to remain in orbit, seeking not only their completion as well, but especially realizing me as just another means to seek Allah after all.


- in the name of Allah -

Just listening to a Bayyinah lecture* on Surah An-Nur, the part that includes the Ayah of Nur: SubhanaAllah. 

I thought I knew something of it, but now hearing it explained with its linguistic subtlety...my own ignorance just gets made clear to me. MashaAllah it's so beautiful.  

If there was a single ayah in the Qur'an that I had to pick to say that I loved it simply because it echoed and explained and reflected me, it's this one. I feel like every day I'm struggling to hold on to whatever light of guidance Allah shows, despite my failings and flaws and weaknesses, the brightest and best part keeps struggling to stay lit. There's no doubt about it, Allahu Nur us-samawaati wal-ardh.

 * = 03. An-Nur (Ayah 32-43) - A Concise Commentary


- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah. This life is the time for sabrun jameel, a time for beautiful patience that never runs out, that never falls short when its needed most. Of course human beings by themselves are never enough, always in need of something. 

That's why we turn to Allah, that's why remembrance is so clutch. If Allah fades from our minds, then worries and anxieties overcome our senses and lead us to ruin one way or another. The moment we bring Him back, or rather the moment we run back to Him, is the second all of those aspects become secondary, just like they should be. 

Trials, they come and go, but Jannah(-tul-Firdaus) lasts forever.



- in the name of Allah -

would that my words were clay in my hands, waiting for their Breath of Life, rather than unplanted seeds in my throat, choking down whatever time demands, leaving me adrift with no boat. 

I've sank and risen, more often than I can count with the digits of toes and fingers I'm given, from anarchy to submission to desolation. Walking my own personal Trail of Tears, blessings abound but only absence rings in the ears, a longing unmet stretches from years to decades to lifetimes, eventually leading me back here. 

going too deep, always adore the drowning, can never stay long though, Allah keeps bringing air to lungs, so the next moment is where I'm found in. an existence forced, the unpalatable becoming the bread and butter of a main course, unsuited I am but regardless the journey stretches forth, a string who's start I can see but ending beyond sight or ability to mourn.