- in the name of Allah -

While I don't know what Tomorrow holds, I know Who holds Tomorrow: Allah, as He ever has. Every day, every moment, every step a reminder that everything is His, and for me there's just to seek Him always.


- in the name of Allah -

She's a tremor in my earth, tilting expectations from their perch, what's me is still me, but still reverberating with what could be made of me and her. She's a trip I've not yet taken, a fruit I've not yet tasted, how crazy is this road Allah placed for me, to long here for things from dreams? 

She's truly more than the sum of her all parts, but I don't think she knows, as the most important one is often missed, when by all the flesh it's clothed. If she could see herself, past the outer surface, past what others must have told her she's worth, then perhaps the journey for her being whole might start: with that most precious piece, her heart.

If she fears to grow, if she fears to find, things beyond her eyes, then she should know, in this life there's no pleasure ever, without its pain entwined.

If she wants to find her Garden, if she wants to breathe its ever-lasting peace, if she wants to know what bliss is truly like, with no conditions underneath, then her Rabb gives her this chance to take the hand, of this nomad who chases but his Garden's Peak.


- in the name of Allah -

For [nameless]

So I called Tomorrow today, she said "go for a run if you wanna change, let go of the tension, and catch me in your arms some day".

And so I decided to give chase and ran, no matter the cold, no matter the bumps along the way.

Alhamdulillah, for lessons so easily made.


Fear not the pool I am, you it would never drown, it just takes a little trust, to learn your way around. InshaAllah soon you'll float, then later swim, like fish in open seas, breathing life through water in. 


- in the name of Allah -

Ya Rabb, if I said I knew this was a test, might that be the end of it?..

..Somehow I knew it would not be so easy, not so fast. 

From a post on fb by an Ustadha Hassan:
Did you know that the word "museeba", loosely translated to mean "calamity", comes from the root Arabic word, صو ب, which denotes an arrow which has struck its final resting place, its designated target.
When we are struck by "calamities" our first instinct is to cry out "why me?". But the amazing fact is that this hardship, this museeba, was never intended for anyone else but you. You were not in the wrong place at the wrong time. This was not an accident that could have been avoided. It was a blow that was intended to land exactly where it landed, by the One who knows you intimately and knows exactly what you can and cannot handle.
Our calamities? They are custom-designed, "couture" trials tailor made for us by the One who knows our dimensions and our fit perfectly. And how could He not, when He fashioned us and graced us with every gift we enjoy?

So, so much this. While I have no need to cry out 'why me' (lol I know exactly why me, it couldn't be any other way), the present museeba being faced is so beautifully, precisely made for my nature that it boggles the mind. 

But for me, for some time now, I've accepted I am His. What's truly mind-blowing, in all respects, is that the road ahead of this museeba could go in a few different directions:

1- it goes completely sideways, what I think I see is not it at ALL, Allah turns it flip upside down worse than Fresh Prince-style, and then He sees if I follow through with my word and stated resolve in being His slave

2- it finds its way to agonizing completion, what I think I see ends up really being there, and Allah tests me to see if I am grateful for this unimaginably amazing-beyond-belief gift in this dunya

3- it gets stuck in some middle gear, a la Friends, and ends up stalling into oblivion, Allah tests me to see if I try again and continue to seek His aid while doing so

 The incomprehensible part here is that is the museeba could fly both ways, either working or not. Yes, obviously, going by logical deduction it's completely DUH, but that multiple outcomes exist..and one of them might be the second! It's sheer insanity!

smh, this affliction...Allah knows better, always. I thought it'd run its course with me in the past, yet it turns out not done yet. My evolving doesn't cease, it continues, the trials don't get smaller, just bigger. Nope, no coincidences, just exactly like it was supposed to be. Duas I make it to the finish line intact with my Rabb pleased with me, will always be appreciated.


- in the name of Allah-

How nice and safe it would be if people like me could know and feel without letting down any walls, without having to find out if it really was the sky outside that fell on people all. But this organ in the chest, it beats on its own, not by my will or choice or whim, nothing me for to start or stop, except, a door to open in trying to reach another with whatever of me that's left. In submission to Allah, what I'm really learning, is each and every experience is a piece of the puzzle, that I have to fit, regardless what pain around the corner may be hiding. Whether it means to leap off cliffs towards a slightly-far-away bridge, or to keep away that which might take me farther away from Him, the unknowing is heavy beyond words but a knowledge I have to carry regardless. it's true, my eyes may as well be closed for all the good they to me might show, but for whatever it's worth they're open and seeking, affecting the hoping and needing and breathing, though at times it would suffice for each of these to be unneeded and to swim simply in echoes and beckons unfeeling. But to wallow in this self-imagined misery was not the point of aims matured so far into tomorrow eternally, this and these remain but further tests of my soul and all inside me that rests, to see if the better path I choose and if I hold on to Him despite whatever life makes me think it is I might lose...by Allah, the Rope I will hold, by His permission and the mercy thus far He's shown, forward it is I must go, that I may chase forever those Gates of Firdaus.


- in the name of Allah -


An ode for [nameless], perhaps a sanctuary long awaited

strangers meeting at the common ground of strangeness, whether whole or in pieces, this is a moment I could have never seen coming. not only does a potential sunrise beckon again the blanketed heart that so long lived in night, but my Rabb teaches me once more how much I can learn if I admit there's nothing I know. this is true: knowledge, in whole, is only His alone. 

alhamdulillah for His opening of eyes and allowing me to accept what I don't know, my end is to Him as it ever will be; by His permission, perhaps not a solo flight after all. that would be an epic surpassed only by the sheer beauty of Firdaus itself, a gift inshaAllah I will always seek.


- in the name of Allah -

From Liveship Traders, book 3:

"...A man's loss of his mate may be the essential trigger that determines all events from henceforth. Do you not see how strange and wonderful that is? That all history balances on an affair of the human heart?"
He looked at the odd woman and shook his head. "That isn't how I see it, Amber. That isn't how I see it at all. It's just my life, and now that I have finally discovered what I must have to be happy, I'm willing to lay down my life for it. That's all." 

'Happy'? Couldn't quite say, its taste is too strange for me to really grasp. But if I can lay claim to something beyond happiness, then this notion expresses my perspective very well. What is beyond the mystery of happiness? For me, completion.


- in the name of Allah -

(a corollary to "Sway")

In these times I can offer no melodies, or highs, or words conscripted for purpose of lullabies, just a persistent wish that I might rise, to claim from my Rabb your heart as gift, kept safe and free in my palms to reside. I've always loved the rain, that which gently pelts the face, as not just from it was all life made, but each drop reminds me of my own thought, a mirror of my mind in sky and rain. And how did that drizzle start, from where was it began, let me explain your part, that more may understand: you were the moisture in my clouds, who filled them past their brim, so in life I'd go on to seek but rain, from that moment ever since. Let me call to good, let me call to stillness, for now until tomorrow, that we may survive the ebbs and flows of time, and find the end of journeys paved in guidance.


- in the name of Allah -

sometimes destiny is not the river, and man not the fish, sometimes destiny is the effortless breeze, and we the bird that it lifts. long have I thought humanity fights this losing struggle against forces it cannot change. lately though, I've come to a place where fate is my ally, the very decree of my Rabb a thing I seek because within it is..everything for me. no real words I can write truly encapsulate what this means, it is simply incredible. from this, I wish people just remembered Allah, often, consciously and subconsciously, tuned their internal thought patterns to one of always turning back to Him. can it be understood what it means when fate is not a thing fought against or even thought negatively of, but instead a source of joy that certainty is coming ever closer? I have no guarantee of my end, of what awaits me, whether rahmah or punishment, yet what calls me most, what I most seek, keeps pulling me, preparing me, for a time beyond that Day. 

Alhamdulillah. I hope Allah allows myself, my ummah, my beacons, the honor of seeking Him and finding Him pleased with us, ameen. 



- in the name of Allah -

somewhere there inside of you is a part of me that beats the same as I do, so maybe every echo I imagine is truly a ripple of wind felt by the heart but for all else unfathomed. it's true, "life always gets in the way", but I hope Allah lets me be the one always 'getting through', so no matter if there's anything there to say, these meager letters hold on forever to truth. merely a painter with myriad of colors and strokes, bridging the past and tomorrow in the present with hope, that He might grant my vision beyond completion in Firdaus.


I often wish it were possible to take what I see and think and feel, literally out my head and chest, so that I might be able to show someone else what it means. Since I began this road stepping into tomorrow, I cannot fathom a life bound fully here, completely in dunya, without having an inborn flame calling to something greater. Interestingly it is no longer dissonance with life itself that bothers me whatsoever (though tedium and a drag it definitely is), rather the dissonance is with people, when I cannot make them feel what I do, when I cannot explain all the factors behind what it means for me to be what I am. I swear it's like I've lost the ability to verbally communicate. My tongue is just so inept and incomplete and slow, communication gets bogged down so often, it's like telepathy is the only option left -_-... yes, reality is still here. Unfortunately, it isn't just the laws of physics and gravity holding people down, but rather the sum of the chains on their hearts and souls that they content themselves with thinking that what their senses tell them is enough, that what they see is all they will ever know- this is the greatest delusion of fantasy ever perpetrated by humanity, to have forgotten that this life is just one part of existence, that when it ends is not when we end, but rather when the sum of all we've been, begins. Alas for the day when the postmodern becomes the the ancient and perhaps every trace of morality and restraint is lost, how low will people have sunk while thinking themselves the epitome of evolution? If we were alive then, no doubt the irony would choke to death. Alhamdulillah though, my existence will not be an age or epoch, just some decades or less, then I'm called back to my Creator and shown the truth of my deeds. InshaAllah it's an easy reckoning, and for my people too, ameen.


- in the name of Allah -

Not quite fully there yet, but alhamdulillah nearing back to myself. Life continues its sine-wave-osity, simply need to hold on. 

Meanwhile, this came to mind recently, a simple lingual equation:

"wind in her sails"   (from Liveship Traders)

"words are just wind"   (from ASoIaF)


all I've ever written is but wind for your sails, that your voyage through this life be only one of ease, so long as I've lived and breathed, to pen with ink from what which bleeds, a tale to trace from those early days, until we found our Gardens with rivers underneath.


- in the name of Allah -

when I look at life all I see is compunction for me to leave or refrain, for all it offers to me is so fleeting and so stained, how can any come to love such an existence of pain and misery, suffused through the carpeted textures of the surface, where most live and find easy release in escape disguised as remedies for fools? are there any other eyes for me to see out of in this present where the beauty is not lies, to find a place of rest that by worry or agony is not compromised? could I but rip them from their sockets, perhaps take a stab or two (or three) at the chambers of the heart, enough of me might leak away so I need not contain this pain. I am fool wrapped in so many layers of ignorance of what this place offers, yet what is it all if not made to make us confused? where are my rainclouds of patience to hail down sabr on my self? the heart is gone, the soul turned away, just the body with its senses remains. for one such as I to be unable to find or create a light, is as if darkness itself was all there is to find, blindly I stumble and soundless I scream, for none are near to where ever it is I might be. to be sure, my Rabb is never far, but I have no fuel with which to make a call, no flame burns for this moment where I am but ember without heat or purpose. living seems but the way for a slow death, alas for entropy encasing all of me and the parts still in the body left.


- in the name of Allah -

From "Liveship Traders", Book 2:

     "You earn your future, Malta Vestrit." The bead-maker cocked her head at
her. "What does tomorrow owe you?"
     "Tomorrow owes me?" Malta repeated in confusion.
     "Tomorrow owes you the sum of your yesterdays. No more than that." Amber looked out to sea again. "And no less. Sometimes folk wish tomorrow did not pay them off so completely."


- in the name of Allah -

From the bottom of my soul, it’s calling me home, but I can’t quite go, not now, not yet, not while I still owe fate some debt, some good or some penance, enduring itself a sentence, just pray time left isn’t held against my records. Sadness tries to well, up like a spring, but it has no coil, no ties to heart or its strings, just an empty vaporous thing, absent substance from sky or soil. Sleep’s not far off, maybe so too dreams, here’s to this Road, with the best yet unseen.


- in the name of Allah -

On the Nature of Beacons

At its essence, the quality of a beacon is that of a shining light against a dimmed background, just as stars might be used by travelers during nighttime to aid in navigation. For me, there are two main properties that describe what a 'beacon' means. 

First, there is that of Guidance. This tends to be the most obvious, as my first filter asks me what I'm called towards: is it to good, towards the wise, the permissible? While this is and always has been a necessary initial quality, I've found that after its discovery it takes a bit of a back seat to the second quality. After all, what good would Guidance be if it didn't seek to be perpetual? 

That assumed, the second property of Hope comes into being. Something can be a call to Guidance, yet not necessarily a reason for Hope to exist. Not every signpost on the road is one that gives the traveler anticipation that the end of the journey is near, or that there is something to look forward to. What makes beacons unique from typical mechanisms of Guidance is the ability to cultivate Hope both in the present, as an emotional/spiritual nearness, but particularly for the future's conclusion, for the end of the road being sought. 

If Guidance was a light showing the way, then Hope may be understood as the pull towards the way. I should mention that people in themselves never suffice for guidance, nor for the nourishment of hope. To conceive of reliance/dependence on a mortal approaches the darkest possible corruption to not just the heart but a person's entire perspective in life. I learned this some years ago. Alhamdulillah, my Wakeel did not leave me to my own wandering, but showed me a path out of it, a path He let me love and find solace in. Back to the point, in the grand scheme of life, the only reliance worth having is upon Allah. Everything else dilutes, everything else corrodes, everything else distorts, until there is nothing left but a command to enter the Fire. May He protect us from ever coming closer to anything but Him, ameen.

It was never really that the beacons sought on their own to be beacons, rather it is what Allah made them as to me. It is part of my nature to be trying to seek guidance, to find the good in whatever situation I find myself in. From those emotionally-immense moments of life, alhamdulillah, I see a road whereby there is no negativity left, rather every experience turns into a chance for me to be called ever closer to Allah. This aspect I ask Him to make firmly of my beacons too, that we turn every difficulty into a reason to seek His guidance and help, not to mention turning every moment of ease into a reason for shukr, ameen. 


- in the name of Allah -

as the ink still flows, so too runs blood in the veins, there's a circle somewhere here, but it's effort enough staying sane. my remedies aren't apathy or eloquence, nor miracles or malevolence, not in indulgence or abstinence, not quite innocence and never ill-intent; just one elixir for me: that of unending patience. I wish I could make tomorrow today, skip all the scenes and lines in between now and then, but my Rabb's decree encompasses all mechanisms and means, so the only road there is the one He places for me. still, I reckon that so long as I live, little slits will keep being made, spill the Red from within so the internal simmer doesn't drive me insane. at times I've wondered if the path is worth the pain, then I recall my intended destination, and I can think of no better trade.


- in the name of Allah 

Of a journey once, upon a Thanksgiving day, went down the route of twenty-nine, to glimpse the fam of Her-Who'll-Always-Be-Named. There it was, somewhere along the Gershwin's Way, hidden in the midst of thirteen thousand twenty-five, a beacon bright to shine, by sadness kept at bay. While the plans of then found not their present,this moment stays in mind remembered, not just for the turkey and potatoes mashed, but for those precious seconds, when nearly whole became two halves.

- in the name of Allah -

From Liveship Traders, Book 2:

      "So. I should just give up now?" she asked mildly. "Just let him spiral
down into madness until the New Traders come to haul him away and chop him up?
What will we say to one another afterwards, Brashen? That there was nothing we
could do, that we never believed it would really happen. Will that make us
     "Innocent?" He was incensed at her suggestion he was somehow responsible
for this mess. "I've done nothing wrong, I intend nothing wrong. I am
     "Half the evil in this world occurs while decent people stand by and do
nothing wrong. It's not enough to refrain from evil, Trell. People have to
attempt to do right, even if they believe they cannot succeed."

     "Even when it's stupid to try?" he asked with savage sarcasm.
     "Especially then," she replied sweetly. "That's how it's done, Trell. You
break your heart against this stony world. You fling yourself at it, on the
side of good, and you do not ask the cost. That's how you do it."



- in the name of Allah -

early morning

close my eyes against the sun,
a sea of Red, tides the shores of sight
where things both gone and unmet
converge into Now;
just another trip of mine
along this river Time.

fallen leaves from Autumn's trees
crunch beneath the feet,
laying wreath of faded life
for future's growth of Spring and seeds.

Just as so, my past becomes
a fertile soil,
waiting to be planted
by trouble, with hope, in toil.

visions of forests lush, of -greens more rich than ever-,
this life a 'how' made in trust, of that which grows together.


- in the name of Allah -

Sometimes I have to remind myself that strength to continue this journey is not something I can find from people, it comes from my Rabb alone. As of now, while it is mortal breath I take, my beacons can be no more than reminders of Allah. Part of me, the part of the heart seeking its twin, even as it screams in inexpressible yearning, must realize and endure these moments because this is part of the test He gives each person.

Not every trial is the same between people, each individual tastes of that which would try them hardest. One cannot say if another's trial is easy or hard, only Allah knows the extent of it. For me, this is my test. Ya Rabb, forgive me for my weakness and make this passage exceedingly easy for me to survive, allow me to be patient that I find with You all I could ever want and more, quell the longing of my soul with sakinah from You, and leave me never to fend for myself for even a second, ameen.

In a not-too-different train of thought, I had a dream last night about my best friend from middle school, Sami, who passed away a few years ago from sickness (may Allah make his grave and hisaab easy on him, ameen). In the dream, we're sitting with people taking an exam; during the course of it I'm looking on his paper for answers as he'd already finished, and I remember "Surah at-Taghabun" being a key answer I'm looking for. In the dream and after I awoke, I had the sense that in this surah was something especially beneficial for me to learn. It'll be very interesting when I get to its tafsir in a few days inshaAllah, nearly there from my current progress in the Bayyinah "A Concise Commentary" course. Once I finish it, will be posting thoughts and results iA.

- in the name of Allah -

From "Liveship Traders", Book 2: 
     A sour smile twisted Althea's mouth. "No. I don't want to be the wind in
his sails. That's what I want someone else to do for me." She sat up straight
suddenly. "That is ... that didn't come out right. I'm not explaining this
very well."
     Amber looked up from her work to grin at her. "On the contrary, I think
you are uncomfortable only because you have stated it so plainly. You want a
mate who will follow your dream. You don't want to give up your own ambitions
to make someone else's life possible."
     "I suppose that's true," Althea admitted reluctantly. An instant later she
demanded, "Why is that so wrong?"
     "It isn't," Amber assured her. A moment later she added wickedly, "As long
as you're male."
     Althea leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms stubbornly. "I can't
help it. That's what I want." When Amber said nothing, Althea asked, almost
angrily, "Don't try to tell me that that is what love is, giving it all up for
someone else!"
     "But for some people, it is," Amber pointed out inexorably. She bound
another bead into the necklace, then held it up to look at it critically.
"Others are like two horses in harness, pulling together toward a goal."
     "I suppose that wouldn't be so bad," Althea conceded. Her knit brows said
she did not entirely believe it. "Why can't people love one another and still
remain free?"
she demanded suddenly.

     Amber paused to rub her eyes, then tug thoughtfully at her earring. "One
can love that way," she conceded regretfully. "But the price on that kind of
love may be the highest of all." She strung her words together as carefully as
she strung her beads. "To love another person like that, you have to admit
that his life is as important as yours. Harder still, you have to admit to
yourself that perhaps he has needs you cannot fill, and that you have tasks
that will take you far away from him. It costs loneliness and longing and
doubt and-"

     "Why must love cost anything? Why does need have to be mixed up with love?
Why can't people be like butterflies, coming together in bright sunshine and
parting while the day is still bright?"
     "Because they are people, not butterflies. To pretend that people can come
together, love and then part with no pain or consequences is more false a role
than pretending to be a proper Trader's daughter."


To love and still remain free, being nether enslaved by nor enslaving of, to know and find acceptance in mutual totality ...expounds upon perhaps the greatest wish in dunya I have ever known. Yet time and experience and wisdom and immeasurable guidance from my Rabb have shown it is not a thing to be kept in this life, so everything has become for me a reorientation towards the future, towards the akhirah, towards Firdaus, that I might reach, among other vast treasures and gifts from Him, this one thing to complete both my own self and the ones I love. May Allah guide us always along His road, protecting us from whatever distances from Him, and bringing us nearer to that which pleases Him, ameen.


- in the name of Allah -

Fair November
(a corollary to "Bitter December")

Though the night was cold, myself I found awake,
to search for starry skies in which might diamonds shine,
memories indeed, but now ones of hope and not of pain.

The stars of fair November, of theirs a glow that never ends,
burn they ever onward, a blazing path outside of human sight,
leading past the now and then, into love freed from time.

In these words, inside of every syllable, rests but a single wish,
that your path and road, of heart to home, might be lighter made,
so smiles and peace abound, His will for you to find this shade.

Forgive my stupidity and ignorance, my sloth and indecision,
knowing me was a sawtooth blade, whirring through the chest,
the loss of blood just the start, as it tore past nerve and flesh.

While the past such strain might know, or as scars it may have left,
there's always now tomorrow, waiting to be sought and sowed,
so we might harvest gain from hope, by all the deeds we'd sent.

Among the reasons that such dreams I carry, like immortal seeds,
is to bring forth from your eyes, tears of joy that never dry,
and so you might know, what it is to me you'll always mean.


Oh Rabb, 
forgive my sentimental nature, 
that it leads none astray,
instead make it for her a guiding star,
so she might know Your Way.



- in the name of Allah -

In describing myself to another as regards to life, a very fitting metaphor came recently to mind.

Life, the perspectives it tries to engender in people, the attitudes it wants to elicit from people, how entrapped it makes one's vision, all of these things to me make it seem like a bubble. I find myself outside of this bubble, like floating in space around a planet, while people in general are inside this bubble, on the planet's surface. 

When I try to describe what I see or feel from that vantage point, I often find little agreement or understanding or resonance. It is a point of view that confuses more often than clarifies. Ironically though, it occurs to me that death would be like when the bubble is popped, and so the veil from life itself suddenly shatters and the reality of things I'd seen comes to pass for others.

What perspectives does life try to engender in people, what attitudes, how does it entrap? To describe it as an illusion would do a disservice to the strength of its lure. Life as it appears, wants people to engage in it, then wants people to become consumed in it, and ultimately be drawn into only its own concern. It is as some wise person has said, the mirage of water in a desert, or like death in the visage of a woman chased unwittingly by men until she strikes, leading them to dust and ruin. 

Interestingly, this point of view I learned not from a book, nor taught by a teacher, nor picked up anywhere along the way. It is simply a perspective from within me, from my earliest days of recollection. It does more than strike a chord with my fitrah, it is part of it. Part of my dislike of social convention is rooted somewhere along this same axis, that of permanent reluctance to mesh into a bubble that I wish not to belong in. Ironic, the bubbles of sociality should overlap to me with those of life itself.

Where ends the aim for such a bubble-less one? It's why I pursue Firdaus. In seeking a place of belonging, I find nothing better than the pinnacle of peaks, though its caveat is daunting to say the least: the knowledge that I will never be worthy of its entrance myself, that elevation to its selection is based on the hisaab of Allah Who will sort and judge me with knowledge and comprehension that is impossible for me to grasp. Knowing my weaknesses, my failings, my inability to hold 'perfection' in my self from an 'abd's point of view, there is no guarantee that I will find my chosen destination. 

It isn't about guarantees, however. Submission doesn't work based on that. A slave, once accepting of his own servitude, has no more to do with the matter once he has submitted. Even if that submission is imperfect, as it's bound to be, even if his knowledge and grasp are limited, inevitably so, the overall tasleem remains intact so long as his Rabb allows it to be so. Such is the other unknowable caveat: pursuing the will of Allah, even though its scope will not always be apparent, and even though human weakness prevents perfection in obedience. Alhamdulillah though, we were not created as machines but as beings with free will to enable seeking of His forgiveness, such that though falls may happen, in general the state of repentance is a continual one that aims to overshadow one's failings. 

If one was inside the bubble, and sought to get free of it, then what would be the recourse? I would say simply the constant internal reminder that all material and physical things must fade to dust, would suffice. Not only will every human face death, but our physical legacies of buildings and societies and constructs, those will turn to dust too. This life was made to end, in its DNA is a reminder of its fragility and temporal nature, not so that we seek to be submerged by it in its short years we have, but rather so we look up from the soapy scum, and see that there is something after it, something outside of it, something beyond that must be sought, if for no other reason than what comes after is for ever.


- in the name of Allah -

Oh Doubt!

What are you to me? 

When Allah is my Forgiver when I falter,
When Allah is my Strength when I succeed? 

What business have you with me?

When Allah is the One Who sets for all their decree,
When Allah is the One Who calls to account for deed? 

For He it is Who owns me and my hopes, 
my ladder and the Rope.

For He it is Who guides me when sight I lose,
and all other lights fail, 
and from shades of darkness I am to choose.

Oh Doubt, savor of my soul no morsel, it will never be yours,
Allah is enough for all my want and need, 
to leave you starved, and for me from Him Yaqeen. 




- in the name of Allah -

From "The Liveship Traders" - Book 1:
"...Yet when one of you is near, I feel you are woven of the same 
strand as I, that we are but extensions of a segmented life, and 
that together we complete one another. I feel a joy in your 
presence, because I feel my own life wax greater when we are 
close to one another."
Wintrow leaned on the rail, as motionlessly silent as if he were
listening to a blessed poet. She was not looking at him; she did not
need to look at him to see him. Like him, she gazed out across the

harbor to the festive lights of the night market. Even our eyes
behold the same sight, he thought, and his smile widened. There had
been a few occasions when words had so reached into him and
settled their truth in him like roots in rich earth. Some of the very
best teachers in the monastery could wake this awe in him, when
they spoke in simple words a truth that had swum unvoiced inside
him. When her words had faded into the warmth of the summer
night, he replied.

"So may a harp string, struck strongly, awaken its twin, or a pure
high note of a voice set crystal to shimmering as you have wakened
truth in me." He laughed aloud, surprising himself, for it felt as if a
bird, long caged in his chest, had taken sudden flight. "What you
say is so simple, only that we complement one another. I can think
of no reason why your words should so move me. But they do. They

"Something is happening, here, tonight. I feel it."
"As do I. But I don't know what it is."
"You mean you have no name for it," she corrected him. "We both
cannot help but know what this is. We grow. We become."
Wintrow found himself smiling into the night. "We become what?"
he asked of her.
She turned to face him, the chiseled planes of her wooden face
catching the reflected gleam of the distant lights. She smiled up at
him, lips parting to reveal her perfect teeth. "We become us," she
said simply. "Us, as we were meant to be."



- in the name of Allah -

One day, by only the encompassing mercy and compassion of my Rabb, when He allows me to stand as a sign of His favor at the doors of His Jannat-tan, my hope is that I will be able to open those Gates for my beacons, though they don't actually need my opening. There, in that place, in the Final Home, that is the place where the seed that was planted long ago and growing by the permission of its Creator, comes time for it to bloom. 

All I am is but a signpost, a creation of Allah that He blessed immeasurably and willed that I inherit love as a mechanism for His hidayah. Love is not an easy concept to purify, it deludes many people from Allah and the Truth He calls people to. But for Him it's nothing more than "Be" and so it Is. My own efforts amount to dust, same as what I was made from. Every good to be found is a rahmah directly and intrinsically from Allah. Every evil from me is nothing but my own inadequacies and weakness made manifest. By Allah's mercy, He allows the better aspect to want to triumph over the lesser, and thus alhamdulillah I can foresee in something so strange a path of guidance. 

Though this medium is intended as a record of my history, to know from whence it was I came, it has also become a star chart that helps delineate by Allah's permission the way forward. May He make it so for any of my ummah who come across it, and especially so for my beacons, ameen.


- in the name of Allah -

Sometimes the clouds release as rain but tears, what the eyes can no longer shed, as the self rebels and wants to put to stake all of me so I too might suffer its hell, but its notions of nonsense and agony, fade into nothing as it finds the jism by patience firmly held. I'm not the doer, just the survivor, my Rabb the Subduer who quells the flameless furor over and over.

And there are times when even the frozen soul shatters, releasing remnants that melt into tears of burdens attempted but left out in the cold unkempt. Rarer still, when those scattered shards sublimate straight from solid to vapor, leaving a trail for ever-known beacons to slowly savor, through the passing of time and changing of seasons, towards a Day both of Judgment and fruition in being.


- in the name of Allah -

out I went to hunt for stars, 
found but only clouds,
seems for that night I'll have to wait,
when they shine without abating. 

the moon hid above that canopy,
keeping from me its ever-welcome glow,
but 'tis I thing which I've long known:
what I seek of hope made reality.

no doubt,
one day, from this dream we'll wake,
one day, from this dream we'll go,
when ends the night and the clouds are clear,
when shines His light, to make complete our soul.


- in the name of Allah -

Oh Rabb, 
how often on this journey will I break,
how often will I turn to pieces, 

that You might fish my remnants from this lake,
and turn me into something seamless?

Oh Rabb,
I swear I have perished thus, at least a thousand times,
how oft that blade does pierce so deep,
turning into shreds all things which bleed, 
what's there left to proclaim as mine?

Oh Rabb,
forgive me, I am so blind,
to so often miss,
at the surface, or in-between the lines,
all that Your mercy is.


- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah, today was interesting. The khutbah was on tawakkul and its importance, including a primary constituent being sabr. Very relevant, especially to me. Honestly could say it was like listening to someone talk about what for me is inside of every breath and every other thought, and my reply to what the speaker says is like "yeah, tell me about it". 

My road...I can't even call it mine anymore. The ownership to guidance is Allah's, like everything of worth, everything worth attaining. Not to say that I have it definitely, going by my primitive human capacity, but the desire for it is there so automatically I'm in the territory of what's in His domain. 

What made today special, I felt the distance evaporate and like the blink of an eye, there were the beating hearts of beacons near mine. For some moments, the acceptance and affection just existed within my perception. What's amazing is I wasn't really looking for it, didn't expect to feel anything like that. Not possible to put into words, but one word suffices- subhanaAllah. It was something I hope to find in another life, but brought near for a second, perhaps to give tranquility for whatever road lies ahead of me. SubhanaAllah again, because I wasn't in any distress at all, there was no worry there to be quelled, all of my affairs are already with Allah and this was like tasting the icing on a cake long before I'm finished baking it. How crazy is that? 

In every case, alhamdulillah. 

Oh mahbubain, keep all of your trust with Allah and look constantly to Him for everything you want or need, make this a habit that never ends, the scent of a rose that never withers, and He will suffice you for all of your days. Ya Rabb, I beg of You their forgiveness and guidance, their protection and complete reliance only on You, include them with Your 'ibaad whom You have decreed khair for in this life and the next, ameen. 



- in the name of Allah -


sometimes I'm a match, sometimes a spark, on occasions both, as He turns distance into nothing, pulling our atoms from where we are, towards a time when nothing's kept apart. there is no substance mine, not a trace that might itself ignite, without our Rabb to bring forth light from fire, that burns to guide and not for strife. if ever the lines seem razor-thin, and wrong and right as pitfalls one and same, keep His remembrance close to heart, and know His love is not one to change. 


- in the name of Allah -

Note to Self

Oh Nafs: forego today, so we may reign tomorrow, the Garden is our home, not this excuse for shelter shallow. Oh Nafs: be at rest, your time may come if our Rabb we please, this life isn't one we own, but one we live on lease. Oh Nafs: guard your thoughts, that they find respite in submission, leave off your own whim, so ridwaan is ours in all conditions. Oh Nafs: some days may seem not as bright, a tad too dark, but it's alright, such are His signs, the pair of day with night. Oh Nafs: this is not the end of us, but our beginning: the Road to Him, paved in patience and in trust.


- in the name of Allah -

Sometimes no words of mine suffice, when only droplets internally condensed and falling from the ledges of eyes are enough to act as release. Some days I wonder how long can I keep track of those echoes, how long can my antimatter soul last in this universe of matter? The need for resonance, from time to time, digs so deep, I cannot fill its expression with anything except something reaching to Allah while shaded by anguish.

Duas are ever-welcome, especially from beacons beloved, that I sustain with Allah's help and guidance this road to Him, ameen.

Of the defining undercurrents to my being:

A nomad without his Libaas, naked, sprawled out on this vast desert life of sand, the sun of trials hanging overhead and burning every pore of his soul, nearly driving him mad, but patience with his Rabb is all he has. This, the price of tomorrow, a price he'll pay as long as blood and oxygen populate his vessels and veins, a bargain well-struck in finding his Garden perfectly tailor-made.


- in the name of Allah -

For one who seeks standing with his Rabb, what do I have to offer Him? There are times where I seem able to fulfill the condition of a submitting heart, when limbs follow not a stranger but who I wish I was. But then there are times when I can make no sense of my choices, where there is no internal response to counter rushing tides and so the moment sweeps me in its wake. What is my excuse before Allah? When I consider how He has protected me so, sheltered me from so many of life's whims and harsher winds, I find my inability to retain continual submission...frustrating beyond measure. Damn it nafs, submit and stay submitted! Rise not for your own destruction and mine, rather lay still and be silent if all you offer me is doom undisguised. 

Alas, that when I tend to choose, for those choices I find that darkness will ensue, momentary but gripping, this self of mine, the greatest enemy I ever knew. Still my Rabb lifts me when I try to sink, gives lungs breath when I try to drown, keeping me upright when I'm inclined to bend, raises my head when my gaze points only down. I have no answer for His questioning, unless He forgives me outright I'm utterly lost, worse than my past wandering, and even then He led me through it all. I deserve of His no gifts, there are no awards or deeds of making mine, that I can point to and say, 'Look, how it shines!'. Still, I hope He pours His mercy forth, though I am a vessel long broken, upon me for whatever it is worth, that I may be in whole forgiven, as I'm laid to rest in earth.


- in the name of Allah - 

in understanding you I understand my self, somehow can't tell where I stop and you start, no, lines don't get crossed, but I swear it's like you're an extension of me, just as someone else.

and so this life became for me a house of mirrors, trying to guess which impression is earnest and which are imposters, finding the real me when I found the real you, the rest of existence a maze to backtrack with my Rabb the way back to truth.

there's nothing here for anyone to steal, nothing there to envy, just a shade of a shadow, playing on the walls in the lost innocence of people's memories, backlit by beacons, His means, to prepare from this life my leaving.


- in the name of Allah -

if the day comes, 
where I've nothing left to write,
if the day comes, 
where it shines but darkest night,

then better check my pulse, 
cause I may not be alive. 

looking ahead so long, can no longer see the moment, 
not much here for me to grasp, 
to me of worth is truly just in future laden,

could not say how deep, these soliloquies, 
reach down into those,
who I long to have one day with me,

that day, for it I'll always dream,
and work, 
and plan,
and sow,
that His mercy I might reap,

be good, and just, and wise, 
submit your heart, and soul, and life,
for His trade, that everything might be yours,
and so mine



- in the name of Allah -

A journey

I didn't start this on my own, nor was it something I even initially sought. The two beacons I came to know, were brought into my orbit by Allah, and given how those early years were spent, would keep them close enough that their light became something I'd always cherish. 

People often speak of destiny when they approach something they don't understand or can't grasp, but it's just as true in those rare cases we can grasp it, can see the causes and effects in our lives that are so potent because they originate outside of our own will. It's one thing for a person to wake up one day and say he or she will set out to accomplish something, then does so. It is completely another when something entirely outside of one's vision comes into view, settles in the soul like a seed in the earth, and grows there, unimpeded (!) by the predation of one's own self or outside forces. There are innumerable layers of blessings from Allah in this. I fear I can never truly convey to people just how deeply I know this good is from Him, it's beyond knowledge, but rather the most basic essence of me I have ever fathomed. There were so many saving graces, blessings beyond counting, where He kept me intact and made my beacons not as sources of corruption but as tests and guiding lights in the purest sense. Perhaps they reflected me, but I know for certain I reflected them, and so when good compounds with good, there is a resonating effect whereby only khair gets passed between them and what's lesser just gets left behind. 

This phenomenon reminds me of one of the most beautiful ayaat in the Quran:

"...Light upon light. Allah guides to His light whom He pleases,..." [Surah An-Nur, part of Verse 35]

SubhanaAllah. Definitely, without question, any good we ever find, any good we ever knew, all of it is only from Allah.


- in the name of Allah -

The Meadow

As her hair billowed in the breeze about her face, far removed from any hustle and bustle, she knew that this was the meaning of 'relaxation'. She had no worries, no urgent needs to attend to, nothing to pull her attention away. Except, of course, whenever she might prefer diversion. What a welcome change; in her past life, this was just about never the case. She couldn't recall a time she hadn't been working, hadn't been striving in some tangible sense, where stress and concern always seemed to be lurking around every corner. Regardless, with fearless determination she had accepted each hurdle as it came, helping pave the way for where she found herself now.

Of anywhere she might have chosen to be, that she found enjoyment most in the forest greenery was not lost on her. After all, it was a setting she'd scarcely had time for in the past. The quietude, surrounded by the ambiance of nature that itself seemed to whisper on the wind, "This is how it should be", these were simple treasures she could never tire of. It wasn't something everyone would understand. With so many choices of pleasure and contentment, of all the breathless scenery and landscapes, most would have thought her current relaxed state a trifle bland. But what did they know? As there was no hurry, no haste in anything, no appointments of necessity, no pending deadlines, the only thing that awaited her was what she wished for, and even more than that of continually pleasant blessings from her Maker.

Pondering like this had become second nature for her, just like it was innately a part of his. After their departure early on in her past life, she'd never expected their paths to cross again. But then, who could predict the qadr of Allah? She knew it was only His mercy that had saved her, His light that had shone for her darker moments. While nearing the end of this train of thought, she'd reached one of the riverbanks in her Meadow. "Ah, perfect timing." Just the river she'd wanted to drink from. She took the gold cup waiting beside her and filled it with an exquisite wine, whose flavor changed with every sip. After the first, she couldn't help grinning from ear to ear. The endless variety of blessings, serenity and peace in every respect, freedom from every hardship, such joys that built each one on top of the other, from the simplest to the most profound, she began to realize the immensity of what Allah had gifted her and it left her speechless. What words of shukr could she offer that might come close? Nothing would quite suffice, but something escaped from her lips as naturally as air, "Glory and praise are for Allah alone, Who guided us to this most perfect abode".


- in the name of Allah -


"I've [nearly] lost my way with words, my touch with all my rhymes",
"I've [almost] lost myself along the way, somewhere along the lines",

Wordy vomit, perhaps, but in all these scraps of alphabetic soup,
I'm just extracting any essence I can find, that traces back to you:
A spark, staying forever lit, while held deep inside the heart.
The flame He made to shine, and which never deigns to cease, 
Regardless of how inept I am, nor of my aims how far beneath,

For being but a random slave, needing succor from his King,
Turning back to Him is all I have, while His is every favor to give.


- in the name of Allah -

"..till he has a real heron-mark sword..."

in the light of this life, with its drama and its drought, so fickle what's found, how does a seeker convey to his sought, how his Home isn't here, but with a lifetime of deeds is wrought, the heart's destiny manifest, not by his will or his voice, rather the sum of bounties and mercies his Maker gifted in choice. this place, this plane, these people, these parades, in me all they'll ever see, a jester of contradiction to their conformity, while the only pull inside my soul, goes to a place I've never seen, but felt I've always known, the pinnacle of peaks, ever-rising with clouds, never falling away from lack of means. 

such is my affliction, given by the dreamer before she departed, that I remain not just a thinker, but one who attains atop the heavens, the End of a road we'd long since started, in the fullest of forms, as the greatest of Gifts, lavished by the Owner of all that there is, stamped on the heart of His slave, the Seal of His contentment, with this wisest of trades.

persevere, dear dreamer, past the days and the nights, past the changing temps, past the shifting tides, towards His acclaim at last, that He may say of your soul, "This slave is Mine."