- in the name of Allah -

Fair November
(a corollary to "Bitter December")

Though the night was cold, myself I found awake,
to search for starry skies in which might diamonds shine,
memories indeed, but now ones of hope and not of pain.

The stars of fair November, of theirs a glow that never ends,
burn they ever onward, a blazing path outside of human sight,
leading past the now and then, into love freed from time.

In these words, inside of every syllable, rests but a single wish,
that your path and road, of heart to home, might be lighter made,
so smiles and peace abound, His will for you to find this shade.

Forgive my stupidity and ignorance, my sloth and indecision,
knowing me was a sawtooth blade, whirring through the chest,
the loss of blood just the start, as it tore past nerve and flesh.

While the past such strain might know, or as scars it may have left,
there's always now tomorrow, waiting to be sought and sowed,
so we might harvest gain from hope, by all the deeds we'd sent.

Among the reasons that such dreams I carry, like immortal seeds,
is to bring forth from your eyes, tears of joy that never dry,
and so you might know, what it is to me you'll always mean.


Oh Rabb, 
forgive my sentimental nature, 
that it leads none astray,
instead make it for her a guiding star,
so she might know Your Way.



- in the name of Allah -

In describing myself to another as regards to life, a very fitting metaphor came recently to mind.

Life, the perspectives it tries to engender in people, the attitudes it wants to elicit from people, how entrapped it makes one's vision, all of these things to me make it seem like a bubble. I find myself outside of this bubble, like floating in space around a planet, while people in general are inside this bubble, on the planet's surface. 

When I try to describe what I see or feel from that vantage point, I often find little agreement or understanding or resonance. It is a point of view that confuses more often than clarifies. Ironically though, it occurs to me that death would be like when the bubble is popped, and so the veil from life itself suddenly shatters and the reality of things I'd seen comes to pass for others.

What perspectives does life try to engender in people, what attitudes, how does it entrap? To describe it as an illusion would do a disservice to the strength of its lure. Life as it appears, wants people to engage in it, then wants people to become consumed in it, and ultimately be drawn into only its own concern. It is as some wise person has said, the mirage of water in a desert, or like death in the visage of a woman chased unwittingly by men until she strikes, leading them to dust and ruin. 

Interestingly, this point of view I learned not from a book, nor taught by a teacher, nor picked up anywhere along the way. It is simply a perspective from within me, from my earliest days of recollection. It does more than strike a chord with my fitrah, it is part of it. Part of my dislike of social convention is rooted somewhere along this same axis, that of permanent reluctance to mesh into a bubble that I wish not to belong in. Ironic, the bubbles of sociality should overlap to me with those of life itself.

Where ends the aim for such a bubble-less one? It's why I pursue Firdaus. In seeking a place of belonging, I find nothing better than the pinnacle of peaks, though its caveat is daunting to say the least: the knowledge that I will never be worthy of its entrance myself, that elevation to its selection is based on the hisaab of Allah Who will sort and judge me with knowledge and comprehension that is impossible for me to grasp. Knowing my weaknesses, my failings, my inability to hold 'perfection' in my self from an 'abd's point of view, there is no guarantee that I will find my chosen destination. 

It isn't about guarantees, however. Submission doesn't work based on that. A slave, once accepting of his own servitude, has no more to do with the matter once he has submitted. Even if that submission is imperfect, as it's bound to be, even if his knowledge and grasp are limited, inevitably so, the overall tasleem remains intact so long as his Rabb allows it to be so. Such is the other unknowable caveat: pursuing the will of Allah, even though its scope will not always be apparent, and even though human weakness prevents perfection in obedience. Alhamdulillah though, we were not created as machines but as beings with free will to enable seeking of His forgiveness, such that though falls may happen, in general the state of repentance is a continual one that aims to overshadow one's failings. 

If one was inside the bubble, and sought to get free of it, then what would be the recourse? I would say simply the constant internal reminder that all material and physical things must fade to dust, would suffice. Not only will every human face death, but our physical legacies of buildings and societies and constructs, those will turn to dust too. This life was made to end, in its DNA is a reminder of its fragility and temporal nature, not so that we seek to be submerged by it in its short years we have, but rather so we look up from the soapy scum, and see that there is something after it, something outside of it, something beyond that must be sought, if for no other reason than what comes after is for ever.


- in the name of Allah -

Oh Doubt!

What are you to me? 

When Allah is my Forgiver when I falter,
When Allah is my Strength when I succeed? 

What business have you with me?

When Allah is the One Who sets for all their decree,
When Allah is the One Who calls to account for deed? 

For He it is Who owns me and my hopes, 
my ladder and the Rope.

For He it is Who guides me when sight I lose,
and all other lights fail, 
and from shades of darkness I am to choose.

Oh Doubt, savor of my soul no morsel, it will never be yours,
Allah is enough for all my want and need, 
to leave you starved, and for me from Him Yaqeen. 




- in the name of Allah -

From "The Liveship Traders" - Book 1:
"...Yet when one of you is near, I feel you are woven of the same 
strand as I, that we are but extensions of a segmented life, and 
that together we complete one another. I feel a joy in your 
presence, because I feel my own life wax greater when we are 
close to one another."
Wintrow leaned on the rail, as motionlessly silent as if he were
listening to a blessed poet. She was not looking at him; she did not
need to look at him to see him. Like him, she gazed out across the

harbor to the festive lights of the night market. Even our eyes
behold the same sight, he thought, and his smile widened. There had
been a few occasions when words had so reached into him and
settled their truth in him like roots in rich earth. Some of the very
best teachers in the monastery could wake this awe in him, when
they spoke in simple words a truth that had swum unvoiced inside
him. When her words had faded into the warmth of the summer
night, he replied.

"So may a harp string, struck strongly, awaken its twin, or a pure
high note of a voice set crystal to shimmering as you have wakened
truth in me." He laughed aloud, surprising himself, for it felt as if a
bird, long caged in his chest, had taken sudden flight. "What you
say is so simple, only that we complement one another. I can think
of no reason why your words should so move me. But they do. They

"Something is happening, here, tonight. I feel it."
"As do I. But I don't know what it is."
"You mean you have no name for it," she corrected him. "We both
cannot help but know what this is. We grow. We become."
Wintrow found himself smiling into the night. "We become what?"
he asked of her.
She turned to face him, the chiseled planes of her wooden face
catching the reflected gleam of the distant lights. She smiled up at
him, lips parting to reveal her perfect teeth. "We become us," she
said simply. "Us, as we were meant to be."



- in the name of Allah -

One day, by only the encompassing mercy and compassion of my Rabb, when He allows me to stand as a sign of His favor at the doors of His Jannat-tan, my hope is that I will be able to open those Gates for my beacons, though they don't actually need my opening. There, in that place, in the Final Home, that is the place where the seed that was planted long ago and growing by the permission of its Creator, comes time for it to bloom. 

All I am is but a signpost, a creation of Allah that He blessed immeasurably and willed that I inherit love as a mechanism for His hidayah. Love is not an easy concept to purify, it deludes many people from Allah and the Truth He calls people to. But for Him it's nothing more than "Be" and so it Is. My own efforts amount to dust, same as what I was made from. Every good to be found is a rahmah directly and intrinsically from Allah. Every evil from me is nothing but my own inadequacies and weakness made manifest. By Allah's mercy, He allows the better aspect to want to triumph over the lesser, and thus alhamdulillah I can foresee in something so strange a path of guidance. 

Though this medium is intended as a record of my history, to know from whence it was I came, it has also become a star chart that helps delineate by Allah's permission the way forward. May He make it so for any of my ummah who come across it, and especially so for my beacons, ameen.


- in the name of Allah -

Sometimes the clouds release as rain but tears, what the eyes can no longer shed, as the self rebels and wants to put to stake all of me so I too might suffer its hell, but its notions of nonsense and agony, fade into nothing as it finds the jism by patience firmly held. I'm not the doer, just the survivor, my Rabb the Subduer who quells the flameless furor over and over.

And there are times when even the frozen soul shatters, releasing remnants that melt into tears of burdens attempted but left out in the cold unkempt. Rarer still, when those scattered shards sublimate straight from solid to vapor, leaving a trail for ever-known beacons to slowly savor, through the passing of time and changing of seasons, towards a Day both of Judgment and fruition in being.


- in the name of Allah -

out I went to hunt for stars, 
found but only clouds,
seems for that night I'll have to wait,
when they shine without abating. 

the moon hid above that canopy,
keeping from me its ever-welcome glow,
but 'tis I thing which I've long known:
what I seek of hope made reality.

no doubt,
one day, from this dream we'll wake,
one day, from this dream we'll go,
when ends the night and the clouds are clear,
when shines His light, to make complete our soul.





- in the name of Allah -

Oh Rabb, 
how often on this journey will I break,
how often will I turn to pieces, 

that You might fish my remnants from this lake,
and turn me into something seamless?

Oh Rabb,
I swear I have perished thus, at least a thousand times,
how oft that blade does pierce so deep,
turning into shreds all things which bleed, 
what's there left to proclaim as mine?

Oh Rabb,
forgive me, I am so blind,
to so often miss,
at the surface, or in-between the lines,
all that Your mercy is.




- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah, today was interesting. The khutbah was on tawakkul and its importance, including a primary constituent being sabr. Very relevant, especially to me. Honestly could say it was like listening to someone talk about what for me is inside of every breath and every other thought, and my reply to what the speaker says is like "yeah, tell me about it". 

My road...I can't even call it mine anymore. The ownership to guidance is Allah's, like everything of worth, everything worth attaining. Not to say that I have it definitely, going by my primitive human capacity, but the desire for it is there so automatically I'm in the territory of what's in His domain. 

What made today special, I felt the distance evaporate and like the blink of an eye, there were the beating hearts of beacons near mine. For some moments, the acceptance and affection just existed within my perception. What's amazing is I wasn't really looking for it, didn't expect to feel anything like that. Not possible to put into words, but one word suffices- subhanaAllah. It was something I hope to find in another life, but brought near for a second, perhaps to give tranquility for whatever road lies ahead of me. SubhanaAllah again, because I wasn't in any distress at all, there was no worry there to be quelled, all of my affairs are already with Allah and this was like tasting the icing on a cake long before I'm finished baking it. How crazy is that? 

In every case, alhamdulillah. 

Oh mahbubain, keep all of your trust with Allah and look constantly to Him for everything you want or need, make this a habit that never ends, the scent of a rose that never withers, and He will suffice you for all of your days. Ya Rabb, I beg of You their forgiveness and guidance, their protection and complete reliance only on You, include them with Your 'ibaad whom You have decreed khair for in this life and the next, ameen. 



- in the name of Allah -


sometimes I'm a match, sometimes a spark, on occasions both, as He turns distance into nothing, pulling our atoms from where we are, towards a time when nothing's kept apart. there is no substance mine, not a trace that might itself ignite, without our Rabb to bring forth light from fire, that burns to guide and not for strife. if ever the lines seem razor-thin, and wrong and right as pitfalls one and same, keep His remembrance close to heart, and know His love is not one to change. 


- in the name of Allah -

Note to Self

Oh Nafs: forego today, so we may reign tomorrow, the Garden is our home, not this excuse for shelter shallow. Oh Nafs: be at rest, your time may come if our Rabb we please, this life isn't one we own, but one we live on lease. Oh Nafs: guard your thoughts, that they find respite in submission, leave off your own whim, so ridwaan is ours in all conditions. Oh Nafs: some days may seem not as bright, a tad too dark, but it's alright, such are His signs, the pair of day with night. Oh Nafs: this is not the end of us, but our beginning: the Road to Him, paved in patience and in trust.


- in the name of Allah -

Sometimes no words of mine suffice, when only droplets internally condensed and falling from the ledges of eyes are enough to act as release. Some days I wonder how long can I keep track of those echoes, how long can my antimatter soul last in this universe of matter? The need for resonance, from time to time, digs so deep, I cannot fill its expression with anything except something reaching to Allah while shaded by anguish.

Duas are ever-welcome, especially from beacons beloved, that I sustain with Allah's help and guidance this road to Him, ameen.

Of the defining undercurrents to my being:

A nomad without his Libaas, naked, sprawled out on this vast desert life of sand, the sun of trials hanging overhead and burning every pore of his soul, nearly driving him mad, but patience with his Rabb is all he has. This, the price of tomorrow, a price he'll pay as long as blood and oxygen populate his vessels and veins, a bargain well-struck in finding his Garden perfectly tailor-made.


- in the name of Allah -

For one who seeks standing with his Rabb, what do I have to offer Him? There are times where I seem able to fulfill the condition of a submitting heart, when limbs follow not a stranger but who I wish I was. But then there are times when I can make no sense of my choices, where there is no internal response to counter rushing tides and so the moment sweeps me in its wake. What is my excuse before Allah? When I consider how He has protected me so, sheltered me from so many of life's whims and harsher winds, I find my inability to retain continual submission...frustrating beyond measure. Damn it nafs, submit and stay submitted! Rise not for your own destruction and mine, rather lay still and be silent if all you offer me is doom undisguised. 

Alas, that when I tend to choose, for those choices I find that darkness will ensue, momentary but gripping, this self of mine, the greatest enemy I ever knew. Still my Rabb lifts me when I try to sink, gives lungs breath when I try to drown, keeping me upright when I'm inclined to bend, raises my head when my gaze points only down. I have no answer for His questioning, unless He forgives me outright I'm utterly lost, worse than my past wandering, and even then He led me through it all. I deserve of His no gifts, there are no awards or deeds of making mine, that I can point to and say, 'Look, how it shines!'. Still, I hope He pours His mercy forth, though I am a vessel long broken, upon me for whatever it is worth, that I may be in whole forgiven, as I'm laid to rest in earth.


- in the name of Allah - 

in understanding you I understand my self, somehow can't tell where I stop and you start, no, lines don't get crossed, but I swear it's like you're an extension of me, just as someone else.

and so this life became for me a house of mirrors, trying to guess which impression is earnest and which are imposters, finding the real me when I found the real you, the rest of existence a maze to backtrack with my Rabb the way back to truth.

there's nothing here for anyone to steal, nothing there to envy, just a shade of a shadow, playing on the walls in the lost innocence of people's memories, backlit by beacons, His means, to prepare from this life my leaving.


- in the name of Allah -

if the day comes, 
where I've nothing left to write,
if the day comes, 
where it shines but darkest night,

then better check my pulse, 
cause I may not be alive. 

looking ahead so long, can no longer see the moment, 
not much here for me to grasp, 
to me of worth is truly just in future laden,

could not say how deep, these soliloquies, 
reach down into those,
who I long to have one day with me,

that day, for it I'll always dream,
and work, 
and plan,
and sow,
that His mercy I might reap,

be good, and just, and wise, 
submit your heart, and soul, and life,
for His trade, that everything might be yours,
and so too mine



- in the name of Allah -

A journey

I didn't start this on my own, nor was it something I even initially sought. The two beacons I came to know, were brought into my orbit by Allah, and given how those early years were spent, would keep them close enough that their light became something I'd always cherish. 

People often speak of destiny when they approach something they don't understand or can't grasp, but it's just as true in those rare cases we can grasp it, can see the causes and effects in our lives that are so potent because they originate outside of our own will. It's one thing for a person to wake up one day and say he or she will set out to accomplish something, then does so. It is completely another when something entirely outside of one's vision comes into view, settles in the soul like a seed in the earth, and grows there, unimpeded (!) by the predation of one's own self or outside forces. There are innumerable layers of blessings from Allah in this. I fear I can never truly convey to people just how deeply I know this good is from Him, it's beyond knowledge, but rather the most basic essence of me I have ever fathomed. There were so many saving graces, blessings beyond counting, where He kept me intact and made my beacons not as sources of corruption but as tests and guiding lights in the purest sense. Perhaps they reflected me, but I know for certain I reflected them, and so when good compounds with good, there is a resonating effect whereby only khair gets passed between them and what's lesser just gets left behind. 

This phenomenon reminds me of one of the most beautiful ayaat in the Quran:

"...Light upon light. Allah guides to His light whom He pleases,..." [Surah An-Nur, part of Verse 35]

SubhanaAllah. Definitely, without question, any good we ever find, any good we ever knew, all of it is only from Allah.


- in the name of Allah -

The Meadow

As her hair billowed in the breeze about her face, far removed from any hustle and bustle, she knew that this was the meaning of 'relaxation'. She had no worries, no urgent needs to attend to, nothing to pull her attention away. Except, of course, whenever she might prefer diversion. What a welcome change; in her past life, this was just about never the case. She couldn't recall a time she hadn't been working, hadn't been striving in some tangible sense, where stress and concern always seemed to be lurking around every corner. Regardless, with fearless determination she had accepted each hurdle as it came, helping pave the way for where she found herself now.

Of anywhere she might have chosen to be, that she found enjoyment most in the forest greenery was not lost on her. After all, it was a setting she'd scarcely had time for in the past. The quietude, surrounded by the ambiance of nature that itself seemed to whisper on the wind, "This is how it should be", these were simple treasures she could never tire of. It wasn't something everyone would understand. With so many choices of pleasure and contentment, of all the breathless scenery and landscapes, most would have thought her current relaxed state a trifle bland. But what did they know? As there was no hurry, no haste in anything, no appointments of necessity, no pending deadlines, the only thing that awaited her was what she wished for, and even more than that of continually pleasant blessings from her Maker.

Pondering like this had become second nature for her, just like it was innately a part of his. After their departure early on in her past life, she'd never expected their paths to cross again. But then, who could predict the qadr of Allah? She knew it was only His mercy that had saved her, His light that had shone for her darker moments. While nearing the end of this train of thought, she'd reached one of the riverbanks in her Meadow. "Ah, perfect timing." Just the river she'd wanted to drink from. She took the gold cup waiting beside her and filled it with an exquisite wine, whose flavor changed with every sip. After the first, she couldn't help grinning from ear to ear. The endless variety of blessings, serenity and peace in every respect, freedom from every hardship, such joys that built each one on top of the other, from the simplest to the most profound, she began to realize the immensity of what Allah had gifted her and it left her speechless. What words of shukr could she offer that might come close? Nothing would quite suffice, but something escaped from her lips as naturally as air, "Glory and praise are for Allah alone, Who guided us to this most perfect abode".


- in the name of Allah -


"I've [nearly] lost my way with words, my touch with all my rhymes",
"I've [almost] lost myself along the way, somewhere along the lines",

Wordy vomit, perhaps, but in all these scraps of alphabetic soup,
I'm just extracting any essence I can find, that traces back to you:
A spark, staying forever lit, while held deep inside the heart.
The flame He made to shine, and which never deigns to cease, 
Regardless of how inept I am, nor of my aims how far beneath,

For being but a random slave, needing succor from his King,
Turning back to Him is all I have, while His is every favor to give.


- in the name of Allah -

"..till he has a real heron-mark sword..."

in the light of this life, with its drama and its drought, so fickle what's found, how does a seeker convey to his sought, how his Home isn't here, but with a lifetime of deeds is wrought, the heart's destiny manifest, not by his will or his voice, rather the sum of bounties and mercies his Maker gifted in choice. this place, this plane, these people, these parades, in me all they'll ever see, a jester of contradiction to their conformity, while the only pull inside my soul, goes to a place I've never seen, but felt I've always known, the pinnacle of peaks, ever-rising with clouds, never falling away from lack of means. 

such is my affliction, given by the dreamer before she departed, that I remain not just a thinker, but one who attains atop the heavens, the End of a road we'd long since started, in the fullest of forms, as the greatest of Gifts, lavished by the Owner of all that there is, stamped on the heart of His slave, the Seal of His contentment, with this wisest of trades.

persevere, dear dreamer, past the days and the nights, past the changing temps, past the shifting tides, towards His acclaim at last, that He may say of your soul, "This slave is Mine."


- in the name of Allah -

Nothing vanished, it all remains, locked away in a safe,
secure from outside theft, or from within escape,
like Pandora's box, to be kept closed for its own sake.

Sometimes though, what's inside is so deeply missed,
memories from tomorrow, become all I can see or give,
leaving few with whom to share, and appreciate that bliss.

That's alright, fine by me, I don't crave the world, or its life,
for He made my soul, and in its making, it craves His light,
that He may rejoin my pieces, and turn all wrongs into Right.


- in the name of Allah -

Once I wrote that being in love for me was like stepping into a deep pool, with significant risk of drowning. I think this analogy was somewhat flawed. After considerable, slightly-related introspection, I have come to realize that I am the pool, and love the act of falling the soul intrinsically leans toward. It seems to me that falling twice, once in part and once completely, suffices one person for a lifetime. Or many lifetimes. 🙂

In any case, it's part of my nature that I try to delve deep into things, understanding them as well as I can, and so resonating echoes may be heard by those who reach those depths with me. Perhaps a better way to explain is that I tend to conceptually internalize everything, bringing it closer to where I am, in a sort of reverse-delving where the mind is a microscope for deeper examination of whatever is brought near. This fits my introvertive nature, letting me analyze what is external in a familiar setting.

No doubt this character trait has its flaws. Human perception will never be perfect, not in this life. Our ability to sense, understand, empathize, deduce, extrapolate, fill in gaps, finish sentences preemptively, predict futures just days or hours or even minutes, all of these are incomplete for us right now. It is ironic, in literal circumstances, the farther down one goes into the ocean, the more confined perception becomes to nearer and nearer proximity, light is scarce, darkness abounds except in those instances of bioluminescence (ie self-released light). Great, now I'm an angler fish looking for "prey", lol. 

Regardless, alhamdulillah for this trait. It's enabled me to unearth reasons for shukr to Allah in all the events of life, decipher patterns and trends and potential pitfalls, and make u-turns when even warning and awareness didn't deter the nafs. Perhaps the most important side-effect of this depth is that it has a tendency to look at things long-term, and prefer the things that are stable, will last and be permanent, so much so that the eventual end-road is nothing but Jannah itself. There is no other alternate destination, no acceptable substitute. It is the place where one meets his Creator, finds his peace abundant in spades. For any that may know me and those I wish to know, I'd figure Jannah-tul-Firdaus is truly the most worthwhile of meeting places. May Allah make it ever-easy for us to travel its road, ameen.


- in the name of Allah -

long are the days where the wind of the world blows in my face, but of the world I know it too must fade, like the bones and whims of men, back into dust from whence we all were made. no matter, I shall simply seek His shade against the winds of time and need and fate, that my Rabb may keep me safe from that which I cannot love or want or chase. the only ally in human raiment from now I'll ever truly seek, is only one with whom He'd be truly pleased, that my steps towards the Garden might be lighter made, and for us both easier to reach.


- in the name of Allah -


Beacon, the Second: Noor ush Shams

Every tale has a beginning, and that of my beacons is no different. Before there was the Moon to cast its pleasing shade, there was the Sun to open eyes with shining rays. This was no ordinary glow, unlaced by ultraviolet or any harmful frequencies, of instead a pattern firm but in its essence mellow. It never sought to overpower, nor let itself be dimmed, or cause another to fade, but always sought in reason a middle ground, remaining strong in purpose and in place. 

Though it is true that the Sun did set, so fate may let rise the Moon, so it remains ever true, that the light from one makes the other more beautiful too. Like so is my sky perpetually lit, whether in day or at night, whether in sadness or in joyful grin, of all the blessings I've been given: I consider knowing these two, among my most treasured gifts. 


- in the name of Allah -

couldn't (quite) tell ya where we're going, couldn't quite tell ya how long it's gonna be, the road we've started takin, leads me beyond the end of all I've seen.

even on such nice and windy days at summer's close, that which seems to be so far off, traps me in the arms of sadness and its throes. 

but alhamdulillah, quick as a sneeze, it fades from the present into memory, along with that which in this life we'll leave; going forward we carry only what we've done, that tomorrow might be one of ease.

on some days, the phantom is more solid than he knows, steeped into this life he was given, ever-yearning for more than what the eyes are shown.


- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah. For every moment of troubles, there is its pair in moments of ease. The ones who look forward to meeting Allah should never let such reflection pass without some gratitude to go along with it, for shukr is the among the best things we can show to our Rabb of our servitude and connection to Him.

Sometimes in life you come across a thing, that places a certain piece of the past in such perfect context, one has no choice but to smile. There is a hadith I came across, "Learn a portion of your religion (deen) from this red-colored lady [Humayrah]". SubhanaAllah. I also know one who was 'colored red' :) . And so, instead of ever taking any other example from any where else, historical or literary or otherwise, I decided that the following should be stated for the record: 

The Ode of Forever

For as long as Allah places in my lungs, this breath,
So will bear the heart, each burden until its death;

For as long as my bones in their earthen home remain,
Until the Trumpet's blown, to raise me from my grave;

For as long as Allah wills us to stand until we're judged,
And by His mercy, opens the gates of Firdaus for those beloved;

For as long as at those gates I may need to wait, 
To ask, when you found at my side, your place:

"If I wouldst be thy Muhammad, wouldst thou be my 'A'ishah?" 

...by Allah's grace, a love outlasting all the ages, inspired of an Example ever pure and perfect.


- in the name of Allah -

The 85th

Alhamdulillah another Eid nearly done. As the groundwork continues to be laid for tomorrow, looking towards akhirah, pieces of the intermediate puzzle seem to fall into place. A chance to help out a friend arises, correlating with the possibility of progress in worldly affairs. Rare are these kinds of opportunities where one can save two birds with one stone. inshaAllah it turns out well and remains ever in earnest for His sake. 

This also happens to be post #85, marking the most I've ever written in any single year. 2006 will never be forgotten, bi ithniAllah, but it is true that it's become like the rest of my past: an inspiration and reason and driving force behind seeking tomorrow. Many evolutions of the self have taken place over the years, no doubt many more still lie ahead. Alhamdulillah for every thing that's happened, every experience of both joy and sorrow that brings me to now.

Hopes remain firm while outlook and expectations and dreams continue to expand. Something my dad was fond of saying, "life is not a bed of roses". Nope, that it certainly is not. But perhaps we can use the prick of its thorns for our benefit, to be always reminded of Allah's favors and our need for Him. Realizing this, truly the horizons are limitless.


- in the name of Allah -

The Balcony

It wasn't a long walk at all, as it turned out. Before, she might have just imagined being there and so there is where she'd be. But this time, on this occasion, it was a desire to appreciate the sights, take in the ambiance, and enjoy the easy silence of a simple stroll that propelled her forward.

If she wished, there were any number of different things she could do. In such a place as she lived, there was never a shortage of people to see, places to visit, knowledge to learn. Still, none could fault her for this detour, for time itself was ever-present. It never flew, it never ran away, but always it was there in abundance. She could breathe and savor any moment she chose, without a trace of regret or second of wishing for something else. This part of it never ceased to amaze. How often had she wanted things, a diverse array of whims, of clothes or jewels or company or anything else in her past life. While past absences could be recalled, their memory was no longer tainted by sadness or longing. For in a place such as this, blessings awaited her around every corner, inside of every breath, waiting to fulfill her coming wish.

What a considerable amount of thinking for such a short walk, she mused, perhaps he was rubbing off on her after all. Unbeckoned a smile and the warmth of recollection suffused her face, just as around the next corner her destination arrived: the Balcony. This was perhaps her favorite vantage point of this palace, where lush valleys and preserves of nature could be seen beneath a canopy of clouds bellowing in gentle breeze. Marvel upon marvel to behold, the sight of it all left her breathless and leaning on the railing of polished marble. She pondered, not for the first time, of the journey they'd taken to reach this place. Of hopes and expectations flip-flopped on their head, of roads she'd never imagined taking, of a time in her life she hadn't wished to leave. But then, she knew now that had that time turned out as they wanted it to, it wouldn't have led them here. There were multitudes of wisdom hidden in that parting, of a temporary divergence whose purpose was to be unified here.

In moments like these, there was one prominent thought that came to mind, something she loved to say more than anything else: "Alhamdulillah ya Rabb for guiding us to this place and keeping us whole and safe". She knew there were infinite other reasons that served for her gratitude to Allah, but perhaps this one she held closest to her heart. A second later after she'd spoken, a white dove with exquisitely plumed feathers floated to her shoulder. She beamed yet again; this, this she would never tire of, the sheer beauty and perfection in everything. As if having the same thought, her dove nodded sagely. 



- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah for the smiles you make, that lunar brightness reflecting internally what's settled and content; here's to the peace of Forever, here's to tomorrow, here's to a path leading to Allah's pleasure as we return to Him all we've borrowed.

Sometimes it's as if memories are enclosed in glass, neither feeling in them nor vulnerable to the elements from the present or past, but rather preserved as pearls whose true light is still to be unveiled.

Perhaps in this moment I find in myself no wishes, for none with me remain, all sent forth to my Rabb, like planted seedlings that He may raise. His is the earth, the sun, the rain; for me but to sow what good I can and return to dust from whence I came.


- in the name of Allah -

Longing for the days we'll live and never die, when tongues inflict only gratitude and joy instead of parodies and lies. I wish I could write words as they deserve, so that they might travel around any bend or corner or curve, seeking out my home-in-Beacons, the heart's destined destinations without obstacle or reserve. sometimes all I seem to carry are undercurrents of lamentation, though I've every reason for every second in every season to be grateful of blessings and sanctity given form and essence perpetually purchased without loan or loss of meanings; for it is my body and soul that my Rabb has always owned, so what if I must trade away what was never mine in whole to He who gave it life and made it grow? I'll gladly exchange with my Creator these finite days of being spiritually imprisoned so I might savor post-Resurrection by His mercy and favor, surrounded indefinitely and in perpetuity by everything of perfection in beauty.

my call for any and all like-minded souls who find this plane a restless and bountiless abode: keep Allah closest, moreso than clothes or jewels or medicines ingested for varieties of purpose, cherish His remembrance like it has no semblance, whether imagined or to physical presence, beg His guidance more humbly than the penniless for with it comes the open road to every single matter of worth and goodness. 

if everything I ever said fell on deaf ears besides what's currently read, I'd implore my beloved and believing just to give Allah His due: in everything we are, of everything we do.


- in the name of Allah -

From Assassin's Quest, 3rd book in the Farseer Trilogy:

"You've changed," I managed to say.

"Have I? I imagine I have. How could I not have changed? I thought you dead, and all my life for naught. Then now, this moment, to be given back both you and my life's purpose ... I opened my eyes to you and thought my heart would stop, that madness had finally claimed me. Then you spoke my name. Changed, you say? More than you can imagine, as much as you have plainly changed yourself. This night, I hardly know myself." 

Somehow, I can recall a few moments like this in life. Hard to describe the meaning in them without ending up babbling or rambling or otherwise seeming touched by madness myself, but they were momentous. Doubtless all of those times are just reminders from Allah keeping me afloat through difficulty. I survived nothing except that He was my aid, fell into nothing but that He pulled me out of it, found no door to good save that He willed it open. People who don't appreciate God simply don't grasp His favors, don't see into the wisdom that surrounds their daily lives. Life is just a series of tests to see who retains gratitude and humility before his Creator after those trials. Submission to anything besides Allah is humiliation and degradation, while submission to Him surpasses the beauty and depth of the universe itself.


- in the name of Allah -

Second day back at work, alhamdulillah it feels nice returning to a sense of normalcy. Also today, heard from an old friend that I hadn't spoken with in maybe 10 years. He'd moved to Cali after studying few years overseas, settled down there with wife and two kids. MashaAllah, good to be reacquainted. 

Otherwise had a few interesting dreams of the night before. In one, I'm dining with someone somewhere (felt like it was a particular someone, but then most dreams of mine with people seem particular-inclined), discussing fairly standard topics for me: the pain and price of waiting, outlook, perspectives, etc. All the while this is being talked about, I recall myself meticulously moving food (butter chicken) around with my spoon/fork, like to certain sides of the platter.  Delicious but ?_? Still it was quite serene and generally uplifting alh, though I wish I could have remembered if she said anything. In the other dream, I'm on this sort of ship or race course, competing with random people I don't recall, there's a bunch of sharp twists and turns like in a maze, and somehow I'm at the forefront. While I'm racing there's a conversation going on in my mind about something I built in the past and one part of me (or someone else) is wondering why my first spaceship hasn't been revisited, why the current one is taking so long to build. For some reason, the word 'spacey' comes to mind, some hunch that I'm building for the future.

Nothing really out-there, most of it I can place into personal context quite easily alh. As for the things I cannot, here's to hoping they're pleasant and longed-for surprises iA 🌹


- in the name of Allah - 

If life were a pair of scissors, with reality its blade,
then long have I been ribbons.

Freely flowing, untethered to this worldly plane,
just holding on to what I'm given.

Read over again, words with meaning laden,
alas were they a bowl of soup.

That I might find your presence a spoonful haven,
ready to fill stomach & sadness too.

I'm a Fool, but yet pray your smile always stays,
undaunted by joys to come.

For though I might glimpse tomorrow's tune,
its melody is born in the good today we've done.


- in the name of Allah -

"I knew the wisdom of Patience's course, but wisdom does not allay loneliness." 
- The Royal Assassin, Farseer Trilogy 

In all contexts, I find this is true. 

However, while wisdom may not allay loneliness, it does provide clues as to how best find the path that would resolve it. Life here was never meant or intended to be a cure for people, just a part of the journey we have to take. Like all travellers, take what you need from it and leave whatever isn't worth carrying. So that when we find our end, we have with us at least some most treasured deeds to show our Creator, perhaps found worthy of His mercy.



- in the name of Allah -

alas for the heart that can always bleed, alas for the ducts that never dry, some things are fated indeed, even if then we never understood the why. 

my pens have not run out of ink, the soul has yet to bequeath the ocean all its waves, enough time still for me to breathe, ruminate how to be His truer slave.

without question or doubt the color is red, in the veins from before I was born, till long after the body is dead, awaiting when we're joined instead.

as one stalwart support I've now lost, these hopes remain my wings, to keep afloat with what only Allah gives, to survive this journey despite its cost.

my end, oh Rabb, bring it near, make me not walk this road too long, that I ever approach again despair, nor make anguish again a lasting song.

my dream, oh Rabb, is only Yours to keep, You Who gave it life, You Who made it purely gleam; of all others am I bereft, so to You only do I plead: plant it firm, growing underneath the Shade of Your Throne, native to the Seventh in origin and form, guarded always by Ar-Rahmanir-Rahim, Ameen.


- in the name of Allah - 


no way to describe this hole that was once always filled, words of 'condolences' and words in general, of even less substance than previously imaginable. there is no voice for me to utter, no way to encapsulate, the meaning or measure of a man, who lived before I'd been conceived by fate. rarely liked, loved always, a fortress against the winds of life, his was a hand more likely to strike in punishment than with tenderness hold, such was the way of one who'd lost his mother early on long before he'd grown. of flaws and faults, layers of subjective insufficiency, I could go on, but all of those now matter naught, the earth of his grave is now his home. what lingers on, his legacy in my veins, blood I never asked for but given by my Rabb all the same, that I might perchance take heed of lessons once let slip through fingers into sands of time now vanished, to build on the good he had, not repeat his mistakes, to diffuse the anger, mellow suspicion, and pour blissfully cold water over hate, letting fall away the grudges his generation so easily made.

I am the me of always, one who lives, who loves, who remains, seemingly till dunya itself grinds away all our better ambitions to dust with its ever luring gaze. at times my aim seems too high, too grandiose, spectral imaginings by a ghost yet mortal of longing utterly beyond his scope: of places quite near to the Throne, of palaces for queenly Beacons and hands of peerless Hoors for mine to hold, of such company in knowledge and purity and truth, as nearly shames me to compare my love to what they do, but it is so: such are they who encompass the best of humanity, who take my ideals to their fullest, giving breadth of meaning meant by being Allah's best of creation.

I long for that place, knowing well I am less than pauper for the price it needs paid, that the sum of all my life's deeds could by one hour of those elevated be met or exceeded, that I am not even the wolf howling at the moon's reflection in a lake whose depth I cannot begin to fathom, a place so vast in its beauty and essence, a thousand lifetimes of mine would not suffice to build a bridge worthy of its entrance. so why would a lowly slave long for such a Home when he's barely worth the shelter of a cave? it is: because his soul mines in those caverns diamonds he's never seen but by their dust their brilliance he's known; because the light inside him, now condensed where once it scattered, pulls with a force towards its ilk that nothing on this earth can measure or mold or fracture; because though he knows not how he'll find death, the mercy of his Rabb shelters all his hopes, and so with Him are they all gathered.