- in the name of Allah -


Beacon, the Second: Noor ush Shams

Every tale has a beginning, and that of my beacons is no different. Before there was the Moon to cast its pleasing shade, there was the Sun to open eyes with shining rays. This was no ordinary glow, unlaced by ultraviolet or any harmful frequencies, of instead a pattern firm but in its essence mellow. It never sought to overpower, nor let itself be dimmed, or cause another to fade, but always sought in reason a middle ground, remaining strong in purpose and in place. 

Though it is true that the Sun did set, so fate may let rise the Moon, so it remains ever true, that the light from one makes the other more beautiful too. Like so is my sky perpetually lit, whether in day or at night, whether in sadness or in joyful grin, of all the blessings I've been given: I consider knowing these two, among my most treasured gifts. 


- in the name of Allah -

couldn't (quite) tell ya where we're going, couldn't quite tell ya how long it's gonna be, the road we've started takin, leads me beyond the end of all I've seen.

even on such nice and windy days at summer's close, that which seems to be so far off, traps me in the arms of sadness and its throes. 

but alhamdulillah, quick as a sneeze, it fades from the present into memory, along with that which in this life we'll leave; going forward we carry only what we've done, that tomorrow might be one of ease.

on some days, the phantom is more solid than he knows, steeped into this life he was given, ever-yearning for more than what the eyes are shown.


- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah. For every moment of troubles, there is its pair in moments of ease. The ones who look forward to meeting Allah should never let such reflection pass without some gratitude to go along with it, for shukr is the among the best things we can show to our Rabb of our servitude and connection to Him.

Sometimes in life you come across a thing, that places a certain piece of the past in such perfect context, one has no choice but to smile. There is a hadith I came across, "Learn a portion of your religion (deen) from this red-colored lady [Humayrah]". SubhanaAllah. I also know one who was 'colored red' :) . And so, instead of ever taking any other example from any where else, historical or literary or otherwise, I decided that the following should be stated for the record: 

The Ode of Forever

For as long as Allah places in my lungs, this breath,
So will bear the heart, each burden until its death;

For as long as my bones in their earthen home remain,
Until the Trumpet's blown, to raise me from my grave;

For as long as Allah wills us to stand until we're judged,
And by His mercy, opens the gates of Firdaus for those beloved;

For as long as at those gates I may need to wait, 
To ask, when you found at my side, your place:

"If I wouldst be thy Muhammad, wouldst thou be my 'A'ishah?" 

...by Allah's grace, a love outlasting all the ages, inspired of an Example ever pure and perfect.


- in the name of Allah -

The 85th

Alhamdulillah another Eid nearly done. As the groundwork continues to be laid for tomorrow, looking towards akhirah, pieces of the intermediate puzzle seem to fall into place. A chance to help out a friend arises, correlating with the possibility of progress in worldly affairs. Rare are these kinds of opportunities where one can save two birds with one stone. inshaAllah it turns out well and remains ever in earnest for His sake. 

This also happens to be post #85, marking the most I've ever written in any single year. 2006 will never be forgotten, bi ithniAllah, but it is true that it's become like the rest of my past: an inspiration and reason and driving force behind seeking tomorrow. Many evolutions of the self have taken place over the years, no doubt many more still lie ahead. Alhamdulillah for every thing that's happened, every experience of both joy and sorrow that brings me to now.

Hopes remain firm while outlook and expectations and dreams continue to expand. Something my dad was fond of saying, "life is not a bed of roses". Nope, that it certainly is not. But perhaps we can use the prick of its thorns for our benefit, to be always reminded of Allah's favors and our need for Him. Realizing this, truly the horizons are limitless.


- in the name of Allah -

The Balcony

It wasn't a long walk at all, as it turned out. Before, she might have just imagined being there and so there is where she'd be. But this time, on this occasion, it was a desire to appreciate the sights, take in the ambiance, and enjoy the easy silence of a simple stroll that propelled her forward.

If she wished, there were any number of different things she could do. In such a place as she lived, there was never a shortage of people to see, places to visit, knowledge to learn. Still, none could fault her for this detour, for time itself was ever-present. It never flew, it never ran away, but always it was there in abundance. She could breathe and savor any moment she chose, without a trace of regret or second of wishing for something else. This part of it never ceased to amaze. How often had she wanted things, a diverse array of whims, of clothes or jewels or company or anything else in her past life. While past absences could be recalled, their memory was no longer tainted by sadness or longing. For in a place such as this, blessings awaited her around every corner, inside of every breath, waiting to fulfill her coming wish.

What a considerable amount of thinking for such a short walk, she mused, perhaps he was rubbing off on her after all. Unbeckoned a smile and the warmth of recollection suffused her face, just as around the next corner her destination arrived: the Balcony. This was perhaps her favorite vantage point of this palace, where lush valleys and preserves of nature could be seen beneath a canopy of clouds bellowing in gentle breeze. Marvel upon marvel to behold, the sight of it all left her breathless and leaning on the railing of polished marble. She pondered, not for the first time, of the journey they'd taken to reach this place. Of hopes and expectations flip-flopped on their head, of roads she'd never imagined taking, of a time in her life she hadn't wished to leave. But then, she knew now that had that time turned out as they wanted it to, it wouldn't have led them here. There were multitudes of wisdom hidden in that parting, of a temporary divergence whose purpose was to be unified here.

In moments like these, there was one prominent thought that came to mind, something she loved to say more than anything else: "Alhamdulillah ya Rabb for guiding us to this place and keeping us whole and safe". She knew there were infinite other reasons that served for her gratitude to Allah, but perhaps this one she held closest to her heart. A second later after she'd spoken, a white dove with exquisitely plumed feathers floated to her shoulder. She beamed yet again; this, this she would never tire of, the sheer beauty and perfection in everything. As if having the same thought, her dove nodded sagely. 



- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah for the smiles you make, that lunar brightness reflecting internally what's settled and content; here's to the peace of Forever, here's to tomorrow, here's to a path leading to Allah's pleasure as we return to Him all we've borrowed.

Sometimes it's as if memories are enclosed in glass, neither feeling in them nor vulnerable to the elements from the present or past, but rather preserved as pearls whose true light is still to be unveiled.

Perhaps in this moment I find in myself no wishes, for none with me remain, all sent forth to my Rabb, like planted seedlings that He may raise. His is the earth, the sun, the rain; for me but to sow what good I can and return to dust from whence I came.


- in the name of Allah -

Longing for the days we'll live and never die, when tongues inflict only gratitude and joy instead of parodies and lies. I wish I could write words as they deserve, so that they might travel around any bend or corner or curve, seeking out my home-in-Beacons, the heart's destined destinations without obstacle or reserve. sometimes all I seem to carry are undercurrents of lamentation, though I've every reason for every second in every season to be grateful of blessings and sanctity given form and essence perpetually purchased without loan or loss of meanings; for it is my body and soul that my Rabb has always owned, so what if I must trade away what was never mine in whole to He who gave it life and made it grow? I'll gladly exchange with my Creator these finite days of being spiritually imprisoned so I might savor post-Resurrection by His mercy and favor, surrounded indefinitely and in perpetuity by everything of perfection in beauty.

my call for any and all like-minded souls who find this plane a restless and bountiless abode: keep Allah closest, moreso than clothes or jewels or medicines ingested for varieties of purpose, cherish His remembrance like it has no semblance, whether imagined or to physical presence, beg His guidance more humbly than the penniless for with it comes the open road to every single matter of worth and goodness. 

if everything I ever said fell on deaf ears besides what's currently read, I'd implore my beloved and believing just to give Allah His due: in everything we are, of everything we do.


- in the name of Allah -

From Assassin's Quest, 3rd book in the Farseer Trilogy:

"You've changed," I managed to say.

"Have I? I imagine I have. How could I not have changed? I thought you dead, and all my life for naught. Then now, this moment, to be given back both you and my life's purpose ... I opened my eyes to you and thought my heart would stop, that madness had finally claimed me. Then you spoke my name. Changed, you say? More than you can imagine, as much as you have plainly changed yourself. This night, I hardly know myself." 

Somehow, I can recall a few moments like this in life. Hard to describe the meaning in them without ending up babbling or rambling or otherwise seeming touched by madness myself, but they were momentous. Doubtless all of those times are just reminders from Allah keeping me afloat through difficulty. I survived nothing except that He was my aid, fell into nothing but that He pulled me out of it, found no door to good save that He willed it open. People who don't appreciate God simply don't grasp His favors, don't see into the wisdom that surrounds their daily lives. Life is just a series of tests to see who retains gratitude and humility before his Creator after those trials. Submission to anything besides Allah is humiliation and degradation, while submission to Him surpasses the beauty and depth of the universe itself.


- in the name of Allah -

Second day back at work, alhamdulillah it feels nice returning to a sense of normalcy. Also today, heard from an old friend that I hadn't spoken with in maybe 10 years. He'd moved to Cali after studying few years overseas, settled down there with wife and two kids. MashaAllah, good to be reacquainted. 

Otherwise had a few interesting dreams of the night before. In one, I'm dining with someone somewhere (felt like it was a particular someone, but then most dreams of mine with people seem particular-inclined), discussing fairly standard topics for me: the pain and price of waiting, outlook, perspectives, etc. All the while this is being talked about, I recall myself meticulously moving food (butter chicken) around with my spoon/fork, like to certain sides of the platter.  Delicious but ?_? Still it was quite serene and generally uplifting alh, though I wish I could have remembered if she said anything. In the other dream, I'm on this sort of ship or race course, competing with random people I don't recall, there's a bunch of sharp twists and turns like in a maze, and somehow I'm at the forefront. While I'm racing there's a conversation going on in my mind about something I built in the past and one part of me (or someone else) is wondering why my first spaceship hasn't been revisited, why the current one is taking so long to build. For some reason, the word 'spacey' comes to mind, some hunch that I'm building for the future.

Nothing really out-there, most of it I can place into personal context quite easily alh. As for the things I cannot, here's to hoping they're pleasant and longed-for surprises iA 🌹


- in the name of Allah - 

If life were a pair of scissors, with reality its blade,
then long have I been ribbons.

Freely flowing, untethered to this worldly plane,
just holding on to what I'm given.

Read over again, words with meaning laden,
alas were they a bowl of soup.

That I might find your presence a spoonful haven,
ready to fill stomach & sadness too.

I'm a Fool, but yet pray your smile always stays,
undaunted by joys to come.

For though I might glimpse tomorrow's tune,
its melody is born in the good today we've done.


- in the name of Allah -

"I knew the wisdom of Patience's course, but wisdom does not allay loneliness." 
- The Royal Assassin, Farseer Trilogy 

In all contexts, I find this is true. 

However, while wisdom may not allay loneliness, it does provide clues as to how best find the path that would resolve it. Life here was never meant or intended to be a cure for people, just a part of the journey we have to take. Like all travellers, take what you need from it and leave whatever isn't worth carrying. So that when we find our end, we have with us at least some most treasured deeds to show our Creator, perhaps found worthy of His mercy.



- in the name of Allah -

alas for the heart that can always bleed, alas for the ducts that never dry, some things are fated indeed, even if then we never understood the why. 

my pens have not run out of ink, the soul has yet to bequeath the ocean all its waves, enough time still for me to breathe, ruminate how to be His truer slave.

without question or doubt the color is red, in the veins from before I was born, till long after the body is dead, awaiting when we're joined instead.

as one stalwart support I've now lost, these hopes remain my wings, to keep afloat with what only Allah gives, to survive this journey despite its cost.

my end, oh Rabb, bring it near, make me not walk this road too long, that I ever approach again despair, nor make anguish again a lasting song.

my dream, oh Rabb, is only Yours to keep, You Who gave it life, You Who made it purely gleam; of all others am I bereft, so to You only do I plead: plant it firm, growing underneath the Shade of Your Throne, native to the Seventh in origin and form, guarded always by Ar-Rahmanir-Rahim, Ameen.


- in the name of Allah - 


no way to describe this hole that was once always filled, words of 'condolences' and words in general, of even less substance than previously imaginable. there is no voice for me to utter, no way to encapsulate, the meaning or measure of a man, who lived before I'd been conceived by fate. rarely liked, loved always, a fortress against the winds of life, his was a hand more likely to strike in punishment than with tenderness hold, such was the way of one who'd lost his mother early on long before he'd grown. of flaws and faults, layers of subjective insufficiency, I could go on, but all of those now matter naught, the earth of his grave is now his home. what lingers on, his legacy in my veins, blood I never asked for but given by my Rabb all the same, that I might perchance take heed of lessons once let slip through fingers into sands of time now vanished, to build on the good he had, not repeat his mistakes, to diffuse the anger, mellow suspicion, and pour blissfully cold water over hate, letting fall away the grudges his generation so easily made.

I am the me of always, one who lives, who loves, who remains, seemingly till dunya itself grinds away all our better ambitions to dust with its ever luring gaze. at times my aim seems too high, too grandiose, spectral imaginings by a ghost yet mortal of longing utterly beyond his scope: of places quite near to the Throne, of palaces for queenly Beacons and hands of peerless Hoors for mine to hold, of such company in knowledge and purity and truth, as nearly shames me to compare my love to what they do, but it is so: such are they who encompass the best of humanity, who take my ideals to their fullest, giving breadth of meaning meant by being Allah's best of creation.

I long for that place, knowing well I am less than pauper for the price it needs paid, that the sum of all my life's deeds could by one hour of those elevated be met or exceeded, that I am not even the wolf howling at the moon's reflection in a lake whose depth I cannot begin to fathom, a place so vast in its beauty and essence, a thousand lifetimes of mine would not suffice to build a bridge worthy of its entrance. so why would a lowly slave long for such a Home when he's barely worth the shelter of a cave? it is: because his soul mines in those caverns diamonds he's never seen but by their dust their brilliance he's known; because the light inside him, now condensed where once it scattered, pulls with a force towards its ilk that nothing on this earth can measure or mold or fracture; because though he knows not how he'll find death, the mercy of his Rabb shelters all his hopes, and so with Him are they all gathered.


- in the name of Allah -

[wrote much of this a few days ago, maybe Saturday, did not foresee the irony of being physically near my dad's actual tombstone so soon. such is the Qadr of Allah, He does as He wills.]

written on the tombstone of my soul:

'in this life was he never whole, 
parted like the seas he'd never seen,
a command to Be, and it split in twain,
away went the half, which was not his own;

so the rest of time which to him remained,
he sought to reunite the rhine- with its -stone,
planting in patience the seeds of pain, slowly grown,
that from their embers, roots might spring forth,
to reach at last the comfort of a long-lost Home;

all he ever felt, all he ever wrote,
were but reminders from his Rabb,
signs and blessings, remembrance to be kept close.

life would bring its tragedies, would pour forth its sorrow,
like a cloud releasing burdens, upon a field grown sallow,
so this ground, his soul, might soak up all the rain,
yet still choose to submit to Him, for He was both the means,
and the Aim.'



- in the name of Allah -

Earlier today, dad passed away - inna lilAllahi wa inna ilaihi raaji'un. It was coming for quite some time, like how cancer typically does. 

Don't see the moment being any easier, though I'd long accepted its inevitability. Death comes for every human being, there's no escaping it, no denying it. Even if a person can deny resurrection or Judgment or anything else, there is no denial of death. It's the final equalizer between all living beings on this earth. 

Alas that he got to see the haq before I do, became acquainted with the ghaib before me. May Allah forgive him all of his sins, make his grave an easy and spacious resting place, and save him from An-Naar, ameen. 



- in the name of Allah -


One of the most disgusting things I've ever read in Pakistan/South Asian news. Ordering rape in response to a rape? An absolute lack of justice delivered by a local council which defeats the purpose of its own existence. This has NO PLACE anywhere, let alone in a country claiming Islam as its religion. 

Let every Muslim alive know that a non-Muslim who does justice is BETTER than a Muslim who does injustice, your religion does not make you immune from accountability! 

May Allah ease the suffering of the victims at the hands of their ignorant misguided oppressors, and lead them to a way out of this darkness, ameen.




- in the name of Allah - 

Alhamdulillah, met an old friend from decades ago today, see if something worthwhile can be built from this reconnection. We'd drifted apart, though to me it felt like whenever we met over the years none of the time or distance mattered, could just be me and expect him to be him. Turns out I was incorrect, he didn't hold the same classification anymore, mainly because for him people had to stay in touch and be there for when things happen in life that enables him to unreservedly say, yeah we're close. Can't say that perspective is wrong, it is true for him and maybe most people. While I have a number of bridges needing this rebuild attempt, this will be first iA. Laying out on the table all of one's cards isn't always the best of ideas, but I've never been a gambler and I despise the duplicity required for it. This simply is just another part of me, to approach people as completely as I can, and if that acceptance and resonance is found, then alhamdulillah and may it be a source of khair; if not, then it's the qadr of Allah and He does as He wills, though there is a lament for every lost mirror that cannot be reclaimed. 


- in the name of Allah -

Avian - [trying to] Fly On

every bird is born with two wings, he doesn't know it growing up, but whether flesh or figurative, they both carry immensity in blessings. whether two parents or two beacons, both illuminating the road in life with love unconditional and eternal, creating a longing and absence when they seem to the bird to be even a shade less bright or in dusk slightly dimming. without question, one's parents must pass, so too will beacons fade from sight of the eyes, making endless seem the darkness rising from an ever-lightless sky.

nearly blind, a moment before his path lit but now drowning in the pitch black unknown, eyes are open but he swears they're closed. pleas disguised as shrill screams pour forth from a throat not able to handle what being a mortal means: tried and tested beyond all notions of wholeness or partial acceptance, with warning of Hell below this bridge for ones unrepentant, but just outside of hearing, a call to Heaven at the other side, angels standing in welcome for the persevering, leading to treasures perfectly selected and unfathomed by human minds.

this bird can't recall all of the favors, effortlessly showered on his soul by his Creator, scattered across all his life like pearls largely unopened and preserved, without trademarks but all inherent with reminders of what's owed to his Maker: every mention of praise and shukr; if He hadn't placed in him this wish, to reach for all these heavenly doors, grand palaces surrounding by bliss, some leading to company elect, and many to heavenly Hoors,...then maybe he'd have become Icarus, flying higher towards worldly whim and worldly desire, noticing all too late his two wings had melted, the fall prepared for him only Fire.


- in the name of Allah -

Random musing from today: 

If the world didn't have pain, would people ever want to leave it? Would they ever feel the need to strive for anything better?

I figure this is one of the hidden wisdoms of the difficulties in life and how the pain from them gives human beings constant motivation for something better. Of course we try to alleviate these things in our worldly affairs if we can, take a pill here or use a band-aid there, and even if we cannot help stopping it, we still feel a need to be removed from it, to find a place of safety and freedom from worry. 

There isn't a better end or recourse for one who follows and feels this train of thought, than to want and work for Jannah. Allah made it a place that would be wanted, a reward for the ones who sought His pleasure over their own in this existence. Alas that I am human and the permanence of this state yet eludes me, but alhamdulillah infinitely-fold that moments can be found where this knowledge is appreciated and endeavored.


- in the name of Allah -

may never see the next sunrise, may never watch again the tides roll in, life is for none of us guaranteed, so we keep onward struggling. 

how great is the irony, of one who loves to find wisdom everywhere he goes, yet is perhaps the greatest fool, this world has ever seen or known? in how many shades can he paint, with how many letters various lines compose, until his repetition fails to find in other hearts, the intent he sought of repose?

oh Allah, life appears so shallow, such a superficial plane, that when I take a step and think the stair is close, I stumble and lose what I'd gained in a single stroke. by Your sight ever-piercing, by Your might ever-matchless, how can I communicate with those beloved, when all I say seems jumbled madness? I cannot begrudge this moment You give me, to recollect in isolation, thoughts of remembrance and reflection, but oh Allah, I am one dying of thirst while seeking drink from another's soul, with just words that cannot stand alone.

oh Allah, I beg You for a fountain that never dries, to whom I can give, at least as much as she provides, so that we two contrasting peaks, despite the distances, might together off that same ledge leap. 



- in the name of Allah -

If all I ever composed, were but reasons to survive, then I'd guess my purpose might just be enough, to make our way through the narrow tunnels of this life. 

Darkness stole no light, forever in her eyes it remains, because Allah made the rods and cones, and the souls which shine in place. 

There are no reasons left to swallow fear, or soothe her mind with lies, Truth is all there ever was, for His slaves it's all there is to find.

And of the truth is this, that an end with Him is what I seek, so I might find His ridwaan and Gifts, alongside our homes with rivers underneath.


- in the name of Allah -

Someone once asked the Prophet (saw) why he made istighfaar so often, when Allah already forgave him all of his sins. His (saw) reply was that should he not be a grateful slave to Allah.  

I didn't pick up on this point till not that long ago, but the immediate and direct connection is made in his (saw) answer, linking seeking forgiveness from Allah as being equivalent to being grateful to Him. Note these are two distinct concepts. Gratitude is typically "thank you", not "forgive me". But in our relationship to Allah, all the good we do, especially the essential part of always seeking repentance, counts for us as being grateful slaves to Allah. Connecting these dots didn't click at first, but eventually the realization comes that in seeking Allah's forgiveness there is acknowledgement of one's flaws and a statement of one's constant need of Allah's help, in all aspects of life. The best way an 'abd of Allah claims his status as such is recognizing and continually making istighfaar, a kind of side course into shukr which I find amazing mA, as the obvious methods would be saying alhamdulillah, subhanAllah, etc.


- in the name of Allah -

It is never as bad as it seems, never as worrisome as it appears. For me, this is at least especially true because when I compare the blessings I have on one hand versus what fitan I experience on the other, the scale is ridiculously in favor of the things my Rabb has given. I have so many reasons to just say alhamdulillah and let the hardships just fall away. Sure they might come back and pester time and time again, but that doesn't diminish the blessing at all. Just I need to remind myself how much truly Allah has gifted me, the people I've gotten to know, the family I can love despite anything and everything, the light He gave me that stays on shining no matter my nafs' attempts to ruin it. Invariably, His mercy and will far exceed my pitiful rebellions, and truly, maybe, this is the most important thing to be grateful for, that Allah allows one not to drown by their own mistakes, that He gives them continual paths outside of the corners we paint ourselves into. 

It also never ceases to amaze me the route I took to find this moment in time. It's one thing to have cared for another deeply over time, and not just in the typical capacities of family and old friends, but in the most rarest instances where the hearts embrace the truth, sustain it in one another, reinforce the best aspects, creating one good that leads to another good, leading to another, and another, and so on..until truly it is as if there is nowhere else such a connection can lead to except to Allah, the most desirable end for any who have sound minds and hearts. What makes this so stunning is the reciprocity. I can't say I ever deserved it, but these presently-slightly-distant bonds upheld a mutually similar regard that retains, by Allah's grace, the most important feature of calling back to Allah, establishing reasons and a vision that extends beyond time itself into the immortality of Akhirah. 

Truly, if these beacons didn't call me to Allah, they'd be no good for me. I've heard it said or read that either something calls to good or evil, to Allah or the shayateen. While I cannot grasp the full import of what seems in-between, from what can be discerned this is no doubt true. Yet another bounty from my Rabb that He made me what I am, lead me to know who I have, that He guided and protected the inherent goodness from being corrupted, such that I yearn now as I always have, to find truth, love knowledge, seek an end worth seeking, and ultimately bi ithniAllah find repose with them underneath the shade of His throne. May Allah make this always so, and complete for me all of my aims in the best of ways, ameen.


- in the name of Allah -

"in the end, words are just wind", so it was once said but this is not what I think, words are keys to the soul, unlocking inner thoughts preserved within. without words all we would have is a world of silence, less potential for anger or hurt, sure, but without the truth or emotion that makes us more than just animalistic or mindless. to me, words are the perfect kind of mortal's clay, where we can fashion from lesser parts and pieces a more noble purpose and picture that keeps precious moments in focus and stilled in painting, while all around us life continues to change, altering in shape. with words I can freeze-frame capture the intents I'd otherwise be left to let internally simmer, slowly boiling over the brain while roasting the heart over a fireless dinner, a sum of expressions overcooked and overstated by failures. but! fortunate for me that Allah gave me this ability to think and keep on writing, while gravity is ever-grounding and this life by its distances overcrowding, I can formulate with letters the Wings and mechanisms to visualize what's far better, elevating a hope that my meaning soars by His permission, landing in the chests of those keeping torches lit through these lifetimes of winter.


- in the name of Allah -


covered in blessings from the ground to the heavens, whether in sin or repentance, my existence is tempered so long as He has my soul tethered, to a ship that can't sink like a chain without links, so no part of it breaks, so long as I hold fast to His rope, and know my everything He already owns. whether in flight or in falter, fancy or furor, apathy or agony, His qadr reaches past it all, pulling me back from my wish to slip between the seams and bury the senses in senselessness right alongside my dreams. He is my Guide back from the farthest of ledges, my Sustainer when energy drains from muscles leaving the will flaccid and flightless, my Light if I ever chase darkness down the deepest of abysses. even if I composed couplets from every one of His names, to try and trace how the mercy falls like droplets of rain, my words will always fall short of their aim. what I'm able to state compared to His grace, a candle's glow, blown out by the wind, with His truth as rays of light endlessly pouring from the sum of all suns, regardless of clouds or orbital distance, a divine magnanimity perpetually saving me from myself and being undone. no mortal could ever fathom all of what He's provided, sheltered from catastrophes, opened doors of salvation, allowed me to at least appreciate His guidance without hesitation, let me survive a whiff of love and its loss yet still manage to hold hope in abundance. all of these favors, delectable fruits whose flesh can effortlessly be savored, with just a little attention, because He made both the tongue and the taster. would that I never forget for a moment any portion of the blessings and ease, that such recollections help carry me through times of angst and apathies, enabling me to show Him at least enough gratitude to be forgiven my flaws, finding in His ridwaan all the best of what I've ever sought, alongside the company of those who loved and lived with Him as their Cause. -ameen


- in the name of Allah -

Eid Mubarak! :)

Beacon, the First: Noor ul Qamar
finished 6.25

For any weary traveler, taking the road at night,
There are few things more precious, 
Than when the skies are clear,
And upon the path he walks,
Shines his moon with its light.

To describe this glow, one might call it sweet,
Never bitter to the senses,
Or one might call it vibrant,
A kaleidoscope of joy from guidance,
Or one might call it soft,
Never blinding his eyes, or leaving him sightless.

For such a lamp, to keep its place in one's cosmos,
While all around galaxies are born, or fade to dust in smoke,
Needs only our Creator, He Who made them both.

Were it not for Allah's mercy, were it not for His generosity,
If left to my own devices, without Him, myself alone,
Without any question or doubt, I'd destroy my deeds, 
And leave my heart in pieces, without a home.

So it is, that when I recall this moon of mine, 
I cannot help but be grateful to my Rahim, 
Who placed in my horizon, that which always shines:
A beacon towards Firdaus, with one's hopes brought to life.

- Ya Allah, forgive me and my ummah of all our sins, guide us always on Siratul Mustaqeem, accept from us all of our good deeds, and join me in Firdaus with my beacons, ameen ya Rabbal-'aalamin.


- in the name of Allah -

Random thought from yesterday:

For the one who seeks life, he is chased by death. 
For the one who seeks death, life chases after him.


- in the name of Allah -

From the end of "The Weaver's Lament", last book in 'Symphony of Ages':
“Come!” she called once more. Her
voice was musical, but held none of the
power of the ring of the Namer. Her eyes
met his, and her smile broadened.
“Come with us, if you want to live!”
As the gate crumbled before his eyes,
and the sea began to rush in, Achmed’s
heart leapt, and he could not help
He threw his head back, as he had
never before done in his life, and began
to laugh uproariously.
Then he ran for the doorway and
climbed through it.
Into arms that were waiting to
embrace him.
Welcoming him.

After all his journeys through
darkness, above and below the surface
of the Earth, into the Light.


 Through a story that was sometimes great, sometimes annoying in its repetition, I have to say this ending fits. Perhaps fits me more than can be imagined, as I seek also the end of my journey, a path to Allah that finishes my time on earth into Truth that calls me so strongly existence begins to pale in comparison. But yet His qadr is I live, keep breathing for purposes of finding guidance, maybe give a little reflection and hope to any and all of my beloved, that a desire to meet Al-Haq be lit in their bones as well as mine. Ultimately, where are we going, if not back to Him from whence we came?


- in the name of Allah -

there's no medications for me to take, no way to end this dissonance, that keeps me, so out of place.
like how all humanity can suffice with pills and remedies, to snuff out what their souls can't stand, so they can feel as they please; I have no such off-switch, no means to keep the nafs in line, beyond what strength the heart deigns to give, in rare cases it hasn't yet encased itself in ice. fitan, trials of tests measuring mettle and essence, seems like I can only fail them all, as shallowness abounds me in abundance regardless of efforts. what good are any depths I might find, any wisdoms I learn, if alone in me they're left, with none else to share and discern? how can I reach any other soul, when this age I've come to, is when folk let die their dreams, making normalcy their abode?


- in the name of Allah -

Still breathing, still alive, beyond my own will there's forces my self keeping, standing, walking, eating, while the rebel in me that disdained forever this cage, screams in unspent rage at things he cannot do or have or say, of tests looped ad infinitum, while nearly driven to madness like a cup overflowing to brim. A friend wished once he was a blade of grass, though on such a grounded wish I'd surely pass, for myself I'd be the birds and their wings, carried off by wind and will, to places nearby or places beyond human reach. Always the air, whether in storms or weather fair, always a route to be found for the avian with energy to expend, if it ever sought to find Elsweyr.

These lungs, they're borrowed, same as the skin and the bones, both the hollow and marrowed, these cells and physiologies, keeping in pace the rhythm of hearts and the body's means, no credit of mine to take wherein there's nothing there I made, but still the soul seeks its breeze, flapping against currents only it can feel and see, trapped betwixt the ledge of this never-ending Present, and where tomorrow like a (sometimes fading) fancy gleams. Agony is my cellmate, so long as I live in life and breathe, becoming the blanket for when comes the chill of things left distant still, pervading through  stones and seeping through barred windowsills.

If there's one plea I can always make, whether the heart beats, or lies buried at stake, it is that an end to the dissonance between existence and myself, is not far off the course in time for me to help, that I never linger in life for a second more, than qadr itself has for me in store.


- in the name of Allah -

While I find myself utterly lacking for its qualification, I have to say the Akhirah pulls at me like only the best of Allah's gifts could:

The recitation, audio, visuals, everything..subhanaAllah


- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah, Ramadan. Not the funnest time of year, but one where it's easiest to find moments of spiritual reflection. Though to me it always seemed to reinforce the sense of a prison on top of a prison (on top of a prison), that doesn't take anything away from the opportunities it gives. 

Each second, every minute, represent little gateways to improving or creating a connection to Allah, a concept so vast its true benefit and import can never really be grasped. Still worth it. Human beings are limited in the time and space and frame of mind and expectation (or lack thereof) of their daily existence, so we can never fully appreciate the kinds of favors we're shown. But they're still there, waiting for us to make some mention of shukr to Allah. 

As of late, I've been fairly even-tempered in most aspects. Still not able to tap into the emotional depth as I had some weeks back, but I suppose this is partly due to the inherent need people have to connect that finds itself always kinda limited in my case. Dad's health is getting worse-ish, chemo treatments aside, it's as if there's little left but preparation for the end. It might be that eventuality links in to my current state, giving some reasoning for its distanceness, difficulty in being able to hold any emotion for any length of time. It's extremely ironic: those who'd seek to escape and avoid their mortality find it in front of them, yet those who'd embrace their impending end find it only ever out of reach, secretly hidden in a vault of the future they're not privy to. Alas. 

I've also recently deduced I can't exactly keep my entire focus on tomorrow, on hopes of Jannah, as much I'd want. For if I did, as I have a bit recently, then I sort of lose sight of a great deal of what's in front of me, and maybe worse, I want deeply to be disconnected from what is the present and find myself in tomorrow, a paradox because tomorrow is by definition slightly out of reach for me, and like the hamster on its wheel I'm stuck constantly engaged in living in the present. There's no getting around these aspects of the mortal coil, much as I wish it wasn't, much as the soul longs to be free of its physical cages. But, alhamdulillah, I can still sometimes look forward, see into a place just barely imagined, and it serves as just enough fuel for the moments I now inhabit. Just enough that the torches lit haven't vanished, just enough that my Haq calls me to Him in tones always repeating. 

One of the things most endearing about my deen, and there are so many, but one of its most beautiful and beneficent aspects is in this hadith: "The Messenger of Allah صلى الله عليه وسلم  said, “The supplication of a Muslim for his brother in his absence will certainly be answered. Every time he makes a supplication for good for his brother, the angel appointed for this particular task says: `Ameen! May it be for you, too’.” [Muslim]. " So all one has to do is make dua for his fellow brethren, and that same good automatically comes back to him, a built-in mechanism to combine the aspects of selflessness and selfishness in the best possible way: wanting good for others and for ourselves, by means of making dua for others. Can it get any easier than that? Not at all. The magnanimity in Islam is so far surpassing anything humans could devise, always calling to the inherent good in us. 

Alhamdulillah. Have a few epics to write, one for later this month and another for Septemberish. InshaAllah, should be interesting ( : o


- in the name of Allah - 

for me yesterdays hold no pain, they're nothing but lessons and memories, building blocks for castles where at last the soul can breathe. for me todays are gone in a haze, instants and instances to implement the wisdoms learned or beg forgiveness from Him of insolence or ignorance displayed. 

truly, for me, tomorrows hold all the promise, tomorrows are why life remains today, tomorrows are how the past finds its meaning framed. in the midst of this exam, while humanity all lurches from fail to pass to fail again, from sorrow to elation, from boredom to fascination, from whim to will, from compassion to indignation; my clarion call resounds from chambers I haven't yet fathomed, halls of glory and splendor, company than that even brighter and better, joys expounding exhilaration and ecstasy inhaled without measure, such moments picture perfect to paint for hearts fulfilled and wholesome. 
If must the dreamer dream, and in this twilight zone in which we live, I see no more worthy endeavor gleam, then set upon your sights, goals of highest rank and Beauty's light, that shadows and lusts alike might fall away to dust, so when rises our dawn from this shallow dusk, we might breathe as those who Believe, looking forward to the meeting of their Rabb.


- in the name of Allah -

Rhapsody inhaled. “It was not,” she
said, her voice ringing with a Namer’s
truth. “You cannot purge anything that
has happened to you, as if it were an
impurity of steel to be smelted away in a
forge fire. All that has gone before has
made you what you are, like notes in a
symphony. Whole or lame, you are who
you are. Ryle hira, as the Lirin say. Life
is what it is. Forgive yourself.”

-Symphony of Ages, Book 6


- in the name of Allah -


sometimes a figment, sometimes a phantom, ever-weary of the road, so oft it's travelled. for normal people what might seem like depressions, for me become a cause for the lost heart submersed at the bottom of oceans. fading so deep I can't hear its beating, body alive as echoes of pulse, but like I'm dispossessed in my own limbs, watching this ghost move and follow through the motions. the heart has always been my center, around which revolves all my being, an axis serving as lens and interpreter, so when it feigns death in nonexistence all I can feel is the shadow of nothing without even a shudder. this organ, if whole then the rest is sound and noble towards its End and goal, but yet when absent or estranged, this organ leads the rest of me towards dissolution and decay; so how can I keep it going, keep its ticking apace even when life or time try to take their toll, even when against me my self becomes an enemy avowed, open to behold? 

my recourse as ever is Allah, though in such moments I can "want" scarcely anything, so life forges forward, as though frozen and merely in hibernation, a living death not quite as dramatic when the ice's age by qadr alone is sublimated. duas would be beloved, returned by angels and my Rabb many fold.


- in the name of Allah -

from ~5/11-5/13
in between the lines, right below the surface, oscillate those echoes, their absence where the hurt is. Need - a wound long healed yet bleeding regardless, let's skip past surgery, would settle for a bandage, staunch the rivulets of Red, might be better if I found a tourniquet, maybe lose a limb, but kept as whole whatever's left: doesn't seem like much, as the heart's abated, no calling from within, just vast gaping seams of nothingness. 

in these moments, my being evaporates to mist, while I search for rain, to quell a void I'd rather keep than give. here's to a spring that never ends, except for when autumn comes around the bend, here's to thunderclouds and downpours, that turn their distant rumbles into roars...a day will come to pass, where the winds blow just right across my face, so my soul can cherish at last its moment, and into that wind escapes. 

- in the name of Allah -

Regardless, ~5/4

Even if I should not find, on my earthen road, a soul to mirror in earnest, a hand for this time to hold, then that is simply what was His decree, that I seek but Him, with what He gave to me of means. In life, I've touched a soul at least once, maybe twice, seen the road paved from heart to heart, that spurned the lesser for what was found inside; 'twas a light that burned its brightest in hope, with fuel as all that which makes one whole. Were these the steps I had to take, to walk down inside my grave, with peace my Rabb prepared my place, then what have I left of complaint? 

For all the softly-sorrow that in my words does drift, there's so much beyond death's door, for which find I reason in to live. Worldly riches will never suffice, this wealth that erodes by passage of wind and water and time. Only that which He describes, of whim and wish brought to life, as gifts from the Everlasting, gifts to always abide - these are all that can for me suffice.


- in the name of Allah -

I created not the sun, nor the brightness of its light,
I created not the moon, nor the respite of its shade,
I created not their orbits, as one sets the other to rise,

Of the earth, its mountains and their quakes,
Of the stars, their positions fixed, 'til rent from place,
Of the seas, from which come tides that daily change.

All of these, utterly far above my being, 
My Creator's gifts, into which I can scarcely see, 

Surely He is Allah, the First, the Final, the King,
Who holds my soul, and directs forth all that is.



- in the name of Allah -

Sometimes I'm just a snow-capped peak, letting the wind drift over my slopes and eaves, there's a resonance out there I can't meet, transposing itself from summary of mistakes into a dream. All my moments are reverberations, reaching out across the skies, endless visitations, to places life keeps me blind to, but eyes of the heart dare to stay open. A shade of madness is never far from the place I live, a cubic one-way prism, trying to filter out all the sorrows that seep from people's souls in modes they don't conceive in. As if it wasn't enough, to hear from empty minds the struggles of inanity that keeps them occupied, my own beating chambers once in awhile try bursting on for size, maybe simply because they're bored with just pumping blood in vessels and veins, try testing the inner limits on the metaphysical plane. This one place once described my state as an INTJ, realities reflecting me almost to the letter, surely out there in the wide world there's another being who feels in vibrations similar. Perhaps when I'm ready, when these momentary shutters pull back and reveal the clouds and rain in all the finery of weather, I can look around and keep tap-tap-tapping on a keyboard to see if I can touch 1 heart more, a totally legit trifecta topping off all the best days long awaited in Firdausian treasure.


- in the name of Allah -

"10 years worth"

A decade, it isn't very long at all, not from the lens of the universe and time itself. Human beings don't get to live that long, our 60-80 years will feel like just a few hours on Judgment Day, when death is ended and immortality is the only outcome.

In a sense, those 10 years were like the blink of an eye, and for my own sake, I hope every decade I have left is like that too - so long as I remember Allah in all the ones that remain. I truly wish there were more echoes for me to listen to, more aspects of knowing of your state of being I could internalize, but for now there don't seem to be. 

But there might be something of an echo remaining, interestingly found on the last minute or so of Fly On. As I was listening the first time through it, the finality and sort of conclusive tone of departure came a little close to another Breaking. Alhamdulillah though, it was quite near the end where the brightest part of it shone for me. In just a few prepositions, a "with" here and "next to" there, the entire essence of it all shifts, encompassing not just the letting go and moving on, but the most vital aspect of akhirah being complete. 

SubhanAllah, whatever Allah puts in place, there's nothing in life that can take it away; no doubt one of the strongest reasons one finds to keep hope with Him for tomorrow.


- in the name of Allah -

“There is no reason for love. It just is.
And when it’s there, it endures, even
when it shouldn’t. Even when you try to
make it go away. It’s hard to make it die.
I’ve learned it’s also unnecessary—and
unwise. It only lessens you for it. So you
accept it. You lock it away. You let it
stay. You don’t deliberately kill love.
You just don’t act on it.”

- Rhapsody, "Destiny - Child of the Sky"


- in the name of Allah -

There's just one issue with the wellspring of the Future; it isn't the Present yet.



- in the name of Allah -

Among the steps one takes in life, sometimes the endings are just as important and necessary as the beginnings. The journey I began in getting married last March concluded recently, after long and extensive deliberation. Took many people's opinions and insights, weighed as many factors as I could fathom, made istikharah on my decision, and so it was made.

There was enough of pain and friction in that time, but still have to say alhamdulillah that it forced me to grow in ways I just hadn't accepted ever before. I never got into it expecting or hoping it would end, my only rationale and purpose in it was to have a chance at finding light down the road in life. I didn't assume she would be the light, but it was amazingly ironic that the ex made my desire to find that brightness so much more intense and tangible, while herself turning out to not be part of that road for long. Regardless, I hope Allah forgives her and I both of our mistakes, and makes our way to Him exceedingly easy, ameen.

If I hadn't felt through this experience what I did, my ambition wouldn't be nearly as defined as it is, my resolve not remotely as strong. What Allah says about His tests is true, He created life and death to see which of us is better in deed, gave people wealth and children and made some as trials for others - to test the claims of their belief. Can't fall backwards now, have to press onward, keep the sight trained on the end it seeks, perhaps finding along the way someone who wants to be part of that goal inshaAllah.


- in the name of Allah -

even as words of patience tumble from the tongue, there's still a part inside that crumbles at dunya's insistence of people or a person at distance. no doubt it's better, safer, and I won't mind sooner, or later, but this very second it's a tiny thorn's prick of what's doubtless a test for the waiter. I wish I could see the moon through the clouds Allah placed, through the fog of rain and things that condense and evaporate, but the journey is still there to be made. there's a folly of mine that runs so deep it might as well color me blind, but by His mercy and what He orchestrates of fate, there's not a thing in life had I the choice I'd choose to change; this momentary pain, this credible lapse in my defenses, just a flicker of my mortality breaking through the fortress, reminding me the journey only for now seems endless. 

- in the name of Allah -

Somewhere along this road I've walked, I picked up the talent of dreaming. Not really daydreaming, nothing so absent-minded, but more akin to mental visualization on a whole other scale. It wasn't always true of me, for awhile there I was just one who thought deeply. Then, after the first evolution, it became one who thought and felt deeply. Later, now after years of near-drowning in those figurative depths, alhamdulillah the key to balance became clear: becoming one who dreamt as deeply as I thought and felt.

Couldn't have found the sparks on my own, needless to say Allah gave me the chance to take this path in a way where I could connect all of the dots, take as much time as I needed, frame from a lifetime still being lived not just the meaning of the past evolving into the present, but a wellspring for the future. To reach the peak of peaks, to give myself the chance at Allah's mercy and ridwaan, will take a great deal of patience. Patience to be content with life moving as fast or slow as it does, patience with not being able to know some things I would like to (like how one is faring), patience while feeling like I'm moving or thinking a million miles a second while life around is nearly standing still. All of it though, worth it in the end, bi ithniAllah. 


- in the name of Allah -

Sometimes, it's the smallest of victories won that need to be cherished, the ones to give and sustain hope in the face of odds made immense by our weakness. I find the path of imaan isn't a linear road, or even simply up/down, even within the highs and lows there are more slight bumps or depressions (physical, and otherwise). Any particular chance one finds to revel in as success against the shayateen, any opportunity that did not go entirely to waste, has to be celebrated. Life is so short, the uphill climb at times gets so steep, each of these mini-victories is something that should bring about its own joy and sense of gratitude to Allah for having seen it. 

Once I read that one whom Allah put in people's company should not wish for solitude, for he was placed there for a reason and purpose: either to find reminders from them or warning of attitudes/actions that he himself should avoid; likewise, one whom Allah put in solitude should not be found wanting for the presence of people's company, as those moments of quiet are ripe for contemplation on Allah and one's life with respect to Him. Lol interesting I find myself often enough tugged towards either end, either missing people when they aren't around or missing solitude when people are there. Such remains the paradox of living I have yet to overcome >_>. Of course if I had my own guess I would always say it's the right company being missed, that not just anyone can suffice, but 'tis not a thing I can seek in dunya anyways. Still, the moments are there where we aught to look for the blessings underneath even and especially if they aren't apparent to our eyes at first.