- in the name of Allah -


One of the most disgusting things I've ever read in Pakistan/South Asian news. Ordering rape in response to a rape? An absolute lack of justice delivered by a local council which defeats the purpose of its own existence. This has NO PLACE anywhere, let alone in a country claiming Islam as its religion. 

Let every Muslim alive know that a non-Muslim who does justice is BETTER than a Muslim who does injustice, your religion does not make you immune from accountability! 

May Allah ease the suffering of the victims at the hands of their ignorant misguided oppressors, and lead them to a way out of this darkness, ameen.




- in the name of Allah - 

Alhamdulillah, met an old friend from decades ago today, see if something worthwhile can be built from this reconnection. We'd drifted apart, though to me it felt like whenever we met over the years none of the time or distance mattered, could just be me and expect him to be him. Turns out I was incorrect, he didn't hold the same classification anymore, mainly because for him people had to stay in touch and be there for when things happen in life that enables him to unreservedly say, yeah we're close. Can't say that perspective is wrong, it is true for him and maybe most people. While I have a number of bridges needing this rebuild attempt, this will be first iA. Laying out on the table all of one's cards isn't always the best of ideas, but I've never been a gambler and I despise the duplicity required for it. This simply is just another part of me, to approach people as completely as I can, and if that acceptance and resonance is found, then alhamdulillah and may it be a source of khair; if not, then it's the qadr of Allah and He does as He wills, though there is a lament for every lost mirror that cannot be reclaimed. 


- in the name of Allah -

Avian - [trying to] Fly On

every bird is born with two wings, he doesn't know it growing up, but whether flesh or figurative, they both carry immensity in blessings. whether two parents or two beacons, both illuminating the road in life with love unconditional and eternal, creating a longing and absence when they seem to the bird to be even a shade less bright or in dusk slightly dimming. without question, one's parents must pass, so too will beacons fade from sight of the eyes, making endless seem the darkness rising from an ever-lightless sky.

nearly blind, a moment before his path lit but now drowning in the pitch black unknown, eyes are open but he swears they're closed. pleas disguised as shrill screams pour forth from a throat not able to handle what being a mortal means: tried and tested beyond all notions of wholeness or partial acceptance, with warning of Hell below this bridge for ones unrepentant, but just outside of hearing, a call to Heaven at the other side, angels standing in welcome for the persevering, leading to treasures perfectly selected and unfathomed by human minds.

this bird can't recall all of the favors, effortlessly showered on his soul by his Creator, scattered across all his life like pearls largely unopened and preserved, without trademarks but all inherent with reminders of what's owed to his Maker: every mention of praise and shukr; if He hadn't placed in him this wish, to reach for all these heavenly doors, grand palaces surrounding by bliss, some leading to company elect, and many to heavenly Hoors,...then maybe he'd have become Icarus, flying higher towards worldly whim and worldly desire, noticing all too late his two wings had melted, the fall prepared for him only Fire.


- in the name of Allah -

Random musing from today: 

If the world didn't have pain, would people ever want to leave it? Would they ever feel the need to strive for anything better?

I figure this is one of the hidden wisdoms of the difficulties in life and how the pain from them gives human beings constant motivation for something better. Of course we try to alleviate these things in our worldly affairs if we can, take a pill here or use a band-aid there, and even if we cannot help stopping it, we still feel a need to be removed from it, to find a place of safety and freedom from worry. 

There isn't a better end or recourse for one who follows and feels this train of thought, than to want and work for Jannah. Allah made it a place that would be wanted, a reward for the ones who sought His pleasure over their own in this existence. Alas that I am human and the permanence of this state yet eludes me, but alhamdulillah infinitely-fold that moments can be found where this knowledge is appreciated and endeavored.


- in the name of Allah -

may never see the next sunrise, may never watch again the tides roll in, life is for none of us guaranteed, so we keep onward struggling. 

how great is the irony, of one who loves to find wisdom everywhere he goes, yet is perhaps the greatest fool, this world has ever seen or known? in how many shades can he paint, with how many letters various lines compose, until his repetition fails to find in other hearts, the intent he sought of repose?

oh Allah, life appears so shallow, such a superficial plane, that when I take a step and think the stair is close, I stumble and lose what I'd gained in a single stroke. by Your sight ever-piercing, by Your might ever-matchless, how can I communicate with those beloved, when all I say seems jumbled madness? I cannot begrudge this moment You give me, to recollect in isolation, thoughts of remembrance and reflection, but oh Allah, I am one dying of thirst while seeking drink from another's soul, with just words that cannot stand alone.

oh Allah, I beg You for a fountain that never dries, to whom I can give, at least as much as she provides, so that we two contrasting peaks, despite the distances, might together off that same ledge leap. 



- in the name of Allah -

If all I ever composed, were but reasons to survive, then I'd guess my purpose might just be enough, to make our way through the narrow tunnels of this life. 

Darkness stole no light, forever in her eyes it remains, because Allah made the rods and cones, and the souls which shine in place. 

There are no reasons left to swallow fear, or soothe her mind with lies, Truth is all there ever was, for His slaves it's all there is to find.

And of the truth is this, that an end with Him is what I seek, so I might find His ridwaan and Gifts, alongside our homes with rivers underneath.


- in the name of Allah -

Someone once asked the Prophet (saw) why he made istighfaar so often, when Allah already forgave him all of his sins. His (saw) reply was that should he not be a grateful slave to Allah.  

I didn't pick up on this point till not that long ago, but the immediate and direct connection is made in his (saw) answer, linking seeking forgiveness from Allah as being equivalent to being grateful to Him. Note these are two distinct concepts. Gratitude is typically "thank you", not "forgive me". But in our relationship to Allah, all the good we do, especially the essential part of always seeking repentance, counts for us as being grateful slaves to Allah. Connecting these dots didn't click at first, but eventually the realization comes that in seeking Allah's forgiveness there is acknowledgement of one's flaws and a statement of one's constant need of Allah's help, in all aspects of life. The best way an 'abd of Allah claims his status as such is recognizing and continually making istighfaar, a kind of side course into shukr which I find amazing mA, as the obvious methods would be saying alhamdulillah, subhanAllah, etc.


- in the name of Allah -

It is never as bad as it seems, never as worrisome as it appears. For me, this is at least especially true because when I compare the blessings I have on one hand versus what fitan I experience on the other, the scale is ridiculously in favor of the things my Rabb has given. I have so many reasons to just say alhamdulillah and let the hardships just fall away. Sure they might come back and pester time and time again, but that doesn't diminish the blessing at all. Just I need to remind myself how much truly Allah has gifted me, the people I've gotten to know, the family I can love despite anything and everything, the light He gave me that stays on shining no matter my nafs' attempts to ruin it. Invariably, His mercy and will far exceed my pitiful rebellions, and truly, maybe, this is the most important thing to be grateful for, that Allah allows one not to drown by their own mistakes, that He gives them continual paths outside of the corners we paint ourselves into. 

It also never ceases to amaze me the route I took to find this moment in time. It's one thing to have cared for another deeply over time, and not just in the typical capacities of family and old friends, but in the most rarest instances where the hearts embrace the truth, sustain it in one another, reinforce the best aspects, creating one good that leads to another good, leading to another, and another, and so on..until truly it is as if there is nowhere else such a connection can lead to except to Allah, the most desirable end for any who have sound minds and hearts. What makes this so stunning is the reciprocity. I can't say I ever deserved it, but these presently-slightly-distant bonds upheld a mutually similar regard that retains, by Allah's grace, the most important feature of calling back to Allah, establishing reasons and a vision that extends beyond time itself into the immortality of Akhirah. 

Truly, if these beacons didn't call me to Allah, they'd be no good for me. I've heard it said or read that either something calls to good or evil, to Allah or the shayateen. While I cannot grasp the full import of what seems in-between, from what can be discerned this is no doubt true. Yet another bounty from my Rabb that He made me what I am, lead me to know who I have, that He guided and protected the inherent goodness from being corrupted, such that I yearn now as I always have, to find truth, love knowledge, seek an end worth seeking, and ultimately bi ithniAllah find repose with them underneath the shade of His throne. May Allah make this always so, and complete for me all of my aims in the best of ways, ameen.


- in the name of Allah -

"in the end, words are just wind", so it was once said but this is not what I think, words are keys to the soul, unlocking inner thoughts preserved within. without words all we would have is a world of silence, less potential for anger or hurt, sure, but without the truth or emotion that makes us more than just animalistic or mindless. to me, words are the perfect kind of mortal's clay, where we can fashion from lesser parts and pieces a more noble purpose and picture that keeps precious moments in focus and stilled in painting, while all around us life continues to change, altering in shape. with words I can freeze-frame capture the intents I'd otherwise be left to let internally simmer, slowly boiling over the brain while roasting the heart over a fireless dinner, a sum of expressions overcooked and overstated by failures. but! fortunate for me that Allah gave me this ability to think and keep on writing, while gravity is ever-grounding and this life by its distances overcrowding, I can formulate with letters the Wings and mechanisms to visualize what's far better, elevating a hope that my meaning soars by His permission, landing in the chests of those keeping torches lit through these lifetimes of winter.


- in the name of Allah -


covered in blessings from the ground to the heavens, whether in sin or repentance, my existence is tempered so long as He has my soul tethered, to a ship that can't sink like a chain without links, so no part of it breaks, so long as I hold fast to His rope, and know my everything He already owns. whether in flight or in falter, fancy or furor, apathy or agony, His qadr reaches past it all, pulling me back from my wish to slip between the seams and bury the senses in senselessness right alongside my dreams. He is my Guide back from the farthest of ledges, my Sustainer when energy drains from muscles leaving the will flaccid and flightless, my Light if I ever chase darkness down the deepest of abysses. even if I composed couplets from every one of His names, to try and trace how the mercy falls like droplets of rain, my words will always fall short of their aim. what I'm able to state compared to His grace, a candle's glow, blown out by the wind, with His truth as rays of light endlessly pouring from the sum of all suns, regardless of clouds or orbital distance, a divine magnanimity perpetually saving me from myself and being undone. no mortal could ever fathom all of what He's provided, sheltered from catastrophes, opened doors of salvation, allowed me to at least appreciate His guidance without hesitation, let me survive a whiff of love and its loss yet still manage to hold hope in abundance. all of these favors, delectable fruits whose flesh can effortlessly be savored, with just a little attention, because He made both the tongue and the taster. would that I never forget for a moment any portion of the blessings and ease, that such recollections help carry me through times of angst and apathies, enabling me to show Him at least enough gratitude to be forgiven my flaws, finding in His ridwaan all the best of what I've ever sought, alongside the company of those who loved and lived with Him as their Cause. -ameen


- in the name of Allah -

Eid Mubarak! :)

Beacon, the First: Noor ul Qamar
finished 6.25

For any weary traveler, taking the road at night,
There are few things more precious, 
Than when the skies are clear,
And upon the path he walks,
Shines his moon with its light.

To describe this glow, one might call it sweet,
Never bitter to the senses,
Or one might call it vibrant,
A kaleidoscope of joy from guidance,
Or one might call it soft,
Never blinding his eyes, or leaving him sightless.

For such a lamp, to keep its place in one's cosmos,
While all around galaxies are born, or fade to dust in smoke,
Needs only our Creator, He Who made them both.

Were it not for Allah's mercy, were it not for His generosity,
If left to my own devices, without Him, myself alone,
Without any question or doubt, I'd destroy my deeds, 
And leave my heart in pieces, without a home.

So it is, that when I recall this moon of mine, 
I cannot help but be grateful to my Rahim, 
Who placed in my horizon, that which always shines:
A beacon towards Firdaus, with one's hopes brought to life.

- Ya Allah, forgive me and my ummah of all our sins, guide us always on Siratul Mustaqeem, accept from us all of our good deeds, and join me in Firdaus with my beacons, ameen ya Rabbal-'aalamin.


- in the name of Allah -

Random thought from yesterday:

For the one who seeks life, he is chased by death. 
For the one who seeks death, life chases after him.


- in the name of Allah -

From the end of "The Weaver's Lament", last book in 'Symphony of Ages':
“Come!” she called once more. Her
voice was musical, but held none of the
power of the ring of the Namer. Her eyes
met his, and her smile broadened.
“Come with us, if you want to live!”
As the gate crumbled before his eyes,
and the sea began to rush in, Achmed’s
heart leapt, and he could not help
He threw his head back, as he had
never before done in his life, and began
to laugh uproariously.
Then he ran for the doorway and
climbed through it.
Into arms that were waiting to
embrace him.
Welcoming him.

After all his journeys through
darkness, above and below the surface
of the Earth, into the Light.


 Through a story that was sometimes great, sometimes annoying in its repetition, I have to say this ending fits. Perhaps fits me more than can be imagined, as I seek also the end of my journey, a path to Allah that finishes my time on earth into Truth that calls me so strongly existence begins to pale in comparison. But yet His qadr is I live, keep breathing for purposes of finding guidance, maybe give a little reflection and hope to any and all of my beloved, that a desire to meet Al-Haq be lit in their bones as well as mine. Ultimately, where are we going, if not back to Him from whence we came?


- in the name of Allah -

there's no medications for me to take, no way to end this dissonance, that keeps me, so out of place.
like how all humanity can suffice with pills and remedies, to snuff out what their souls can't stand, so they can feel as they please; I have no such off-switch, no means to keep the nafs in line, beyond what strength the heart deigns to give, in rare cases it hasn't yet encased itself in ice. fitan, trials of tests measuring mettle and essence, seems like I can only fail them all, as shallowness abounds me in abundance regardless of efforts. what good are any depths I might find, any wisdoms I learn, if alone in me they're left, with none else to share and discern? how can I reach any other soul, when this age I've come to, is when folk let die their dreams, making normalcy their abode?


- in the name of Allah -

Still breathing, still alive, beyond my own will there's forces my self keeping, standing, walking, eating, while the rebel in me that disdained forever this cage, screams in unspent rage at things he cannot do or have or say, of tests looped ad infinitum, while nearly driven to madness like a cup overflowing to brim. A friend wished once he was a blade of grass, though on such a grounded wish I'd surely pass, for myself I'd be the birds and their wings, carried off by wind and will, to places nearby or places beyond human reach. Always the air, whether in storms or weather fair, always a route to be found for the avian with energy to expend, if it ever sought to find Elsweyr.

These lungs, they're borrowed, same as the skin and the bones, both the hollow and marrowed, these cells and physiologies, keeping in pace the rhythm of hearts and the body's means, no credit of mine to take wherein there's nothing there I made, but still the soul seeks its breeze, flapping against currents only it can feel and see, trapped betwixt the ledge of this never-ending Present, and where tomorrow like a (sometimes fading) fancy gleams. Agony is my cellmate, so long as I live in life and breathe, becoming the blanket for when comes the chill of things left distant still, pervading through  stones and seeping through barred windowsills.

If there's one plea I can always make, whether the heart beats, or lies buried at stake, it is that an end to the dissonance between existence and myself, is not far off the course in time for me to help, that I never linger in life for a second more, than qadr itself has for me in store.


- in the name of Allah -

While I find myself utterly lacking for its qualification, I have to say the Akhirah pulls at me like only the best of Allah's gifts could:

The recitation, audio, visuals, everything..subhanaAllah


- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah, Ramadan. Not the funnest time of year, but one where it's easiest to find moments of spiritual reflection. Though to me it always seemed to reinforce the sense of a prison on top of a prison (on top of a prison), that doesn't take anything away from the opportunities it gives. 

Each second, every minute, represent little gateways to improving or creating a connection to Allah, a concept so vast its true benefit and import can never really be grasped. Still worth it. Human beings are limited in the time and space and frame of mind and expectation (or lack thereof) of their daily existence, so we can never fully appreciate the kinds of favors we're shown. But they're still there, waiting for us to make some mention of shukr to Allah. 

As of late, I've been fairly even-tempered in most aspects. Still not able to tap into the emotional depth as I had some weeks back, but I suppose this is partly due to the inherent need people have to connect that finds itself always kinda limited in my case. Dad's health is getting worse-ish, chemo treatments aside, it's as if there's little left but preparation for the end. It might be that eventuality links in to my current state, giving some reasoning for its distanceness, difficulty in being able to hold any emotion for any length of time. It's extremely ironic: those who'd seek to escape and avoid their mortality find it in front of them, yet those who'd embrace their impending end find it only ever out of reach, secretly hidden in a vault of the future they're not privy to. Alas. 

I've also recently deduced I can't exactly keep my entire focus on tomorrow, on hopes of Jannah, as much I'd want. For if I did, as I have a bit recently, then I sort of lose sight of a great deal of what's in front of me, and maybe worse, I want deeply to be disconnected from what is the present and find myself in tomorrow, a paradox because tomorrow is by definition slightly out of reach for me, and like the hamster on its wheel I'm stuck constantly engaged in living in the present. There's no getting around these aspects of the mortal coil, much as I wish it wasn't, much as the soul longs to be free of its physical cages. But, alhamdulillah, I can still sometimes look forward, see into a place just barely imagined, and it serves as just enough fuel for the moments I now inhabit. Just enough that the torches lit haven't vanished, just enough that my Haq calls me to Him in tones always repeating. 

One of the things most endearing about my deen, and there are so many, but one of its most beautiful and beneficent aspects is in this hadith: "The Messenger of Allah صلى الله عليه وسلم  said, “The supplication of a Muslim for his brother in his absence will certainly be answered. Every time he makes a supplication for good for his brother, the angel appointed for this particular task says: `Ameen! May it be for you, too’.” [Muslim]. " So all one has to do is make dua for his fellow brethren, and that same good automatically comes back to him, a built-in mechanism to combine the aspects of selflessness and selfishness in the best possible way: wanting good for others and for ourselves, by means of making dua for others. Can it get any easier than that? Not at all. The magnanimity in Islam is so far surpassing anything humans could devise, always calling to the inherent good in us. 

Alhamdulillah. Have a few epics to write, one for later this month and another for Septemberish. InshaAllah, should be interesting ( : o


- in the name of Allah - 

for me yesterdays hold no pain, they're nothing but lessons and memories, building blocks for castles where at last the soul can breathe. for me todays are gone in a haze, instants and instances to implement the wisdoms learned or beg forgiveness from Him of insolence or ignorance displayed. 

truly, for me, tomorrows hold all the promise, tomorrows are why life remains today, tomorrows are how the past finds its meaning framed. in the midst of this exam, while humanity all lurches from fail to pass to fail again, from sorrow to elation, from boredom to fascination, from whim to will, from compassion to indignation; my clarion call resounds from chambers I haven't yet fathomed, halls of glory and splendor, company than that even brighter and better, joys expounding exhilaration and ecstasy inhaled without measure, such moments picture perfect to paint for hearts fulfilled and wholesome. 
If must the dreamer dream, and in this twilight zone in which we live, I see no more worthy endeavor gleam, then set upon your sights, goals of highest rank and Beauty's light, that shadows and lusts alike might fall away to dust, so when rises our dawn from this shallow dusk, we might breathe as those who Believe, looking forward to the meeting of their Rabb.


- in the name of Allah -

Rhapsody inhaled. “It was not,” she
said, her voice ringing with a Namer’s
truth. “You cannot purge anything that
has happened to you, as if it were an
impurity of steel to be smelted away in a
forge fire. All that has gone before has
made you what you are, like notes in a
symphony. Whole or lame, you are who
you are. Ryle hira, as the Lirin say. Life
is what it is. Forgive yourself.”

-Symphony of Ages, Book 6


- in the name of Allah -


sometimes a figment, sometimes a phantom, ever-weary of the road, so oft it's travelled. for normal people what might seem like depressions, for me become a cause for the lost heart submersed at the bottom of oceans. fading so deep I can't hear its beating, body alive as echoes of pulse, but like I'm dispossessed in my own limbs, watching this ghost move and follow through the motions. the heart has always been my center, around which revolves all my being, an axis serving as lens and interpreter, so when it feigns death in nonexistence all I can feel is the shadow of nothing without even a shudder. this organ, if whole then the rest is sound and noble towards its End and goal, but yet when absent or estranged, this organ leads the rest of me towards dissolution and decay; so how can I keep it going, keep its ticking apace even when life or time try to take their toll, even when against me my self becomes an enemy avowed, open to behold? 

my recourse as ever is Allah, though in such moments I can "want" scarcely anything, so life forges forward, as though frozen and merely in hibernation, a living death not quite as dramatic when the ice's age by qadr alone is sublimated. duas would be beloved, returned by angels and my Rabb many fold.


- in the name of Allah -

from ~5/11-5/13
in between the lines, right below the surface, oscillate those echoes, their absence where the hurt is. Need - a wound long healed yet bleeding regardless, let's skip past surgery, would settle for a bandage, staunch the rivulets of Red, might be better if I found a tourniquet, maybe lose a limb, but kept as whole whatever's left: doesn't seem like much, as the heart's abated, no calling from within, just vast gaping seams of nothingness. 

in these moments, my being evaporates to mist, while I search for rain, to quell a void I'd rather keep than give. here's to a spring that never ends, except for when autumn comes around the bend, here's to thunderclouds and downpours, that turn their distant rumbles into roars...a day will come to pass, where the winds blow just right across my face, so my soul can cherish at last its moment, and into that wind escapes. 

- in the name of Allah -

Regardless, ~5/4

Even if I should not find, on my earthen road, a soul to mirror in earnest, a hand for this time to hold, then that is simply what was His decree, that I seek but Him, with what He gave to me of means. In life, I've touched a soul at least once, maybe twice, seen the road paved from heart to heart, that spurned the lesser for what was found inside; 'twas a light that burned its brightest in hope, with fuel as all that which makes one whole. Were these the steps I had to take, to walk down inside my grave, with peace my Rabb prepared my place, then what have I left of complaint? 

For all the softly-sorrow that in my words does drift, there's so much beyond death's door, for which find I reason in to live. Worldly riches will never suffice, this wealth that erodes by passage of wind and water and time. Only that which He describes, of whim and wish brought to life, as gifts from the Everlasting, gifts to always abide - these are all that can for me suffice.


- in the name of Allah -

I created not the sun, nor the brightness of its light,
I created not the moon, nor the respite of its shade,
I created not their orbits, as one sets the other to rise,

Of the earth, its mountains and their quakes,
Of the stars, their positions fixed, 'til rent from place,
Of the seas, from which come tides that daily change.

All of these, utterly far above my being, 
My Creator's gifts, into which I can scarcely see, 

Surely He is Allah, the First, the Final, the King,
Who holds my soul, and directs forth all that is.



- in the name of Allah -

Sometimes I'm just a snow-capped peak, letting the wind drift over my slopes and eaves, there's a resonance out there I can't meet, transposing itself from summary of mistakes into a dream. All my moments are reverberations, reaching out across the skies, endless visitations, to places life keeps me blind to, but eyes of the heart dare to stay open. A shade of madness is never far from the place I live, a cubic one-way prism, trying to filter out all the sorrows that seep from people's souls in modes they don't conceive in. As if it wasn't enough, to hear from empty minds the struggles of inanity that keeps them occupied, my own beating chambers once in awhile try bursting on for size, maybe simply because they're bored with just pumping blood in vessels and veins, try testing the inner limits on the metaphysical plane. This one place once described my state as an INTJ, realities reflecting me almost to the letter, surely out there in the wide world there's another being who feels in vibrations similar. Perhaps when I'm ready, when these momentary shutters pull back and reveal the clouds and rain in all the finery of weather, I can look around and keep tap-tap-tapping on a keyboard to see if I can touch 1 heart more, a totally legit trifecta topping off all the best days long awaited in Firdausian treasure.


- in the name of Allah -

"10 years worth"

A decade, it isn't very long at all, not from the lens of the universe and time itself. Human beings don't get to live that long, our 60-80 years will feel like just a few hours on Judgment Day, when death is ended and immortality is the only outcome.

In a sense, those 10 years were like the blink of an eye, and for my own sake, I hope every decade I have left is like that too - so long as I remember Allah in all the ones that remain. I truly wish there were more echoes for me to listen to, more aspects of knowing of your state of being I could internalize, but for now there don't seem to be. 

But there might be something of an echo remaining, interestingly found on the last minute or so of Fly On. As I was listening the first time through it, the finality and sort of conclusive tone of departure came a little close to another Breaking. Alhamdulillah though, it was quite near the end where the brightest part of it shone for me. In just a few prepositions, a "with" here and "next to" there, the entire essence of it all shifts, encompassing not just the letting go and moving on, but the most vital aspect of akhirah being complete. 

SubhanAllah, whatever Allah puts in place, there's nothing in life that can take it away; no doubt one of the strongest reasons one finds to keep hope with Him for tomorrow.


- in the name of Allah -

“There is no reason for love. It just is.
And when it’s there, it endures, even
when it shouldn’t. Even when you try to
make it go away. It’s hard to make it die.
I’ve learned it’s also unnecessary—and
unwise. It only lessens you for it. So you
accept it. You lock it away. You let it
stay. You don’t deliberately kill love.
You just don’t act on it.”

- Rhapsody, "Destiny - Child of the Sky"


- in the name of Allah -

There's just one issue with the wellspring of the Future; it isn't the Present yet.



- in the name of Allah -

Among the steps one takes in life, sometimes the endings are just as important and necessary as the beginnings. The journey I began in getting married last March concluded recently, after long and extensive deliberation. Took many people's opinions and insights, weighed as many factors as I could fathom, made istikharah on my decision, and so it was made.

There was enough of pain and friction in that time, but still have to say alhamdulillah that it forced me to grow in ways I just hadn't accepted ever before. I never got into it expecting or hoping it would end, my only rationale and purpose in it was to have a chance at finding light down the road in life. I didn't assume she would be the light, but it was amazingly ironic that the ex made my desire to find that brightness so much more intense and tangible, while herself turning out to not be part of that road for long. Regardless, I hope Allah forgives her and I both of our mistakes, and makes our way to Him exceedingly easy, ameen.

If I hadn't felt through this experience what I did, my ambition wouldn't be nearly as defined as it is, my resolve not remotely as strong. What Allah says about His tests is true, He created life and death to see which of us is better in deed, gave people wealth and children and made some as trials for others - to test the claims of their belief. Can't fall backwards now, have to press onward, keep the sight trained on the end it seeks, perhaps finding along the way someone who wants to be part of that goal inshaAllah.


- in the name of Allah -

even as words of patience tumble from the tongue, there's still a part inside that crumbles at dunya's insistence of people or a person at distance. no doubt it's better, safer, and I won't mind sooner, or later, but this very second it's a tiny thorn's prick of what's doubtless a test for the waiter. I wish I could see the moon through the clouds Allah placed, through the fog of rain and things that condense and evaporate, but the journey is still there to be made. there's a folly of mine that runs so deep it might as well color me blind, but by His mercy and what He orchestrates of fate, there's not a thing in life had I the choice I'd choose to change; this momentary pain, this credible lapse in my defenses, just a flicker of my mortality breaking through the fortress, reminding me the journey only for now seems endless. 

- in the name of Allah -

Somewhere along this road I've walked, I picked up the talent of dreaming. Not really daydreaming, nothing so absent-minded, but more akin to mental visualization on a whole other scale. It wasn't always true of me, for awhile there I was just one who thought deeply. Then, after the first evolution, it became one who thought and felt deeply. Later, now after years of near-drowning in those figurative depths, alhamdulillah the key to balance became clear: becoming one who dreamt as deeply as I thought and felt.

Couldn't have found the sparks on my own, needless to say Allah gave me the chance to take this path in a way where I could connect all of the dots, take as much time as I needed, frame from a lifetime still being lived not just the meaning of the past evolving into the present, but a wellspring for the future. To reach the peak of peaks, to give myself the chance at Allah's mercy and ridwaan, will take a great deal of patience. Patience to be content with life moving as fast or slow as it does, patience with not being able to know some things I would like to (like how one is faring), patience while feeling like I'm moving or thinking a million miles a second while life around is nearly standing still. All of it though, worth it in the end, bi ithniAllah. 


- in the name of Allah -

Sometimes, it's the smallest of victories won that need to be cherished, the ones to give and sustain hope in the face of odds made immense by our weakness. I find the path of imaan isn't a linear road, or even simply up/down, even within the highs and lows there are more slight bumps or depressions (physical, and otherwise). Any particular chance one finds to revel in as success against the shayateen, any opportunity that did not go entirely to waste, has to be celebrated. Life is so short, the uphill climb at times gets so steep, each of these mini-victories is something that should bring about its own joy and sense of gratitude to Allah for having seen it. 

Once I read that one whom Allah put in people's company should not wish for solitude, for he was placed there for a reason and purpose: either to find reminders from them or warning of attitudes/actions that he himself should avoid; likewise, one whom Allah put in solitude should not be found wanting for the presence of people's company, as those moments of quiet are ripe for contemplation on Allah and one's life with respect to Him. Lol interesting I find myself often enough tugged towards either end, either missing people when they aren't around or missing solitude when people are there. Such remains the paradox of living I have yet to overcome >_>. Of course if I had my own guess I would always say it's the right company being missed, that not just anyone can suffice, but 'tis not a thing I can seek in dunya anyways. Still, the moments are there where we aught to look for the blessings underneath even and especially if they aren't apparent to our eyes at first.



- in the name of Allah -

Hear me, O beloved pieces of my heart, the happiness you wished for me wasn't where we thought it would be found, not in any mortal's hands, all along it was with Allah, in submitting to Him, seeking Him at journey's end and its start. I beg of you: look towards your Rabb for each and every need, make Him your lasting Friend and Comforter, releasing into His care all your pains and pleas. Our journey here is so short, value here so fleeting, let us keep our eyes upon those highest plains of Paradise; worry not your that your deeds may not suffice, for I know neither will mine, but rather all my hopes and aims, I've packaged to Allah and leave it to Him to make sublime. For the love of all that is good and true, hold dearly to Allah's Rope, His Words, fear His anger, crave His mercy, know your weaknesses and use them as seeds for humility in prostration to Him, there will never be a greater gift He gives than His guidance, for it leads to all His blessings, a mercy enveloping His slave, to lift us out of darknesses towards His light.


- in the name of Allah -

I've come to know that of the things I have imagined in Firdaus, the completion of the heart is quite literally among the smallest of blessings that await. In a place where the khair is always increasing, where the only company is of the good and the better and the best, where every joy is magnified over time instead of diminished, the heart being whole is truly just the very tip of the iceberg. 

Consider, for example, meeting the anbiyaa'. Imagine the stories and experiences they have to tell, their knowledge and closeness to Allah, the fruits of their lives and the things they each personally enjoy. What unfathomable treasures of history and human fortitude and blessed company. On top of this, meeting our Nabi (saw) himself. What tale would he have to tell us, the first and foremost of our ummah, the human being who laid the seeds for spreading and growing Islam into the most beautiful deen the world will ever know? Imagine his pleasure at seeing those who followed him centuries later, holding on to his words for so long while having never met him in dunya. How much joy will he feel to see those among the latter generations? And how much joy would it be for us to simply revel in his? 

There is so much more to these potential blessings than I've given them credit for, even more degrees of amazing than I ever previously thought. Gazing upward, there truly are no limits to how far Allah's mercy can take us. 

 Still, with all of this excellence and immensity, the completion of the heart remains a key component of the overall vision. It is always hoped that my sun and my moon develop and retain their desire to remain in orbit, seeking not only their completion as well, but especially realizing me as just another means to seek Allah after all.


- in the name of Allah -

Just listening to a Bayyinah lecture* on Surah An-Nur, the part that includes the Ayah of Nur: SubhanaAllah. 

I thought I knew something of it, but now hearing it explained with its linguistic subtlety...my own ignorance just gets made clear to me. MashaAllah it's so beautiful.  

If there was a single ayah in the Qur'an that I had to pick to say that I loved it simply because it echoed and explained and reflected me, it's this one. I feel like every day I'm struggling to hold on to whatever light of guidance Allah shows, despite my failings and flaws and weaknesses, the brightest and best part keeps struggling to stay lit. There's no doubt about it, Allahu Nur us-samawaati wal-ardh.

 * = 03. An-Nur (Ayah 32-43) - A Concise Commentary


- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah. This life is the time for sabrun jameel, a time for beautiful patience that never runs out, that never falls short when its needed most. Of course human beings by themselves are never enough, always in need of something. 

That's why we turn to Allah, that's why remembrance is so clutch. If Allah fades from our minds, then worries and anxieties overcome our senses and lead us to ruin one way or another. The moment we bring Him back, or rather the moment we run back to Him, is the second all of those aspects become secondary, just like they should be. 

Trials, they come and go, but Jannah(-tul-Firdaus) lasts forever.



- in the name of Allah -

would that my words were clay in my hands, waiting for their Breath of Life, rather than unplanted seeds in my throat, choking down whatever time demands, leaving me adrift with no boat. 

I've sank and risen, more often than I can count with the digits of toes and fingers I'm given, from anarchy to submission to desolation. Walking my own personal Trail of Tears, blessings abound but only absence rings in the ears, a longing unmet stretches from years to decades to lifetimes, eventually leading me back here. 

going too deep, always adore the drowning, can never stay long though, Allah keeps bringing air to lungs, so the next moment is where I'm found in. an existence forced, the unpalatable becoming the bread and butter of a main course, unsuited I am but regardless the journey stretches forth, a string who's start I can see but ending beyond sight or ability to mourn. 



- in the name of Allah -

As human beings it's hard for us to fathom a drive that keeps on ticking time after time, that endures long after most other things turn to dust. It's made especially hard to have this kind of attachment when life itself is so fleeting, things are made to order, instant gratification rules ever larger parts of life around us. After enough time in this sort of existence, being around other people who crave worldly things, we might begin to crave them too. This is maybe the saddest thing to me about life, it's ability to so silently and insidiously seduce a person's heart and mind into overlooking the akhirah and wanting to find their needs met here. For who is this life enough? Can't say it is for me. So my drive remains in a place I can't see, with a joy I can't imagine, in a company far beyond me.


- in the name of Allah -

If no other human being ever read these words, except you, then their purpose would be complete. And if you weren't able to read them, then these words would revert to their natural state and become a collection of duas, all reaching out to Allah in hope that they are made complete. 

If life tends to make the heart shrink as we get older, make it more afraid and tentative and worried, then inside I'd rather remain in part a child, expanding its horizon until every thing I can see from the East to the West encompasses nothing but the mercy of Allah. There is no outgrowing Him, simply growing into Him, as a cloak against the elements, a shield against the spears, a wall against the horde of whisperers. 

In truth, there is no better Mawla, no better Wali, no better Guide. Seek Allah, and be found. 


- in the name of Allah -

On my Moon

The moon is not an easy thing to behold. Never clearly seen as I'd like, often clouds hide it fully or partially from view. Any night for bad weather, and it's almost totally out of sight. But the times it can be seen, in various phases and shapes, reveals a subtle beauty that is simply captivating and peerless in nature. The moon shines in a way that gives travellers respite, sheltering from the sun's unyielding glare with a tempered, soft glow. Being the traveller that I am, it's no wonder I found its shade so ideal. It's light may not be the most obvious, nor its appeal the most apparent, but for me it makes me whole.


- in the name of Allah -

even if every lamp on the earth, and every star in the sky, all blinked out and left in their wake, darkness from all sides, my prayers would be the same.

there are some anchors that reach into our core, that hold fast with everything we are and then some. when that anchor is Allah, there is no letting go, there is no going backward, there's just Him. if I find by His permission what I seek, it's nothing more than His gift to me, His mercy at work and me just being a human being. with His aid I'll keep these dreams lit, using them as a means to want to be closer to Allah than I've ever been, continually until the day I'm brought back to life. after that, there's no distance left, no veil to keep Him and I apart. by His permission I'll see a sight worth beholding for all my existence, and then, once this greatest joy has filled me past filling, I'll stroll over to His gifts and savor them next. I think the best aspect for me in all of this, will not simply be indulging in pleasure and perfection. to me, one particular feeling seems more fitting than anything else for this occasion: shukr. A gratitude so encompassing it is as if I no longer exist and all that I was or am simply a dream given form. Inna lilAllahi, wa inna ilaihi raaji'un.


- in the name of Allah -

My Proposal: for the one it's always been, k
for now and always
If I called you to a time, when the sun always shined, 
except when we'd rather stroll in flurries of snow,
or walk without umbrellas in the rain, 
or fly like birds at the speed of a plane;

If I called you to a place, where love was in every atom's trace,
each making the brightness bloom ever more brilliant and breathless,
until every inhalation brought joy out of our pores, pleasing the senses,
a pleasure pure, absent anything doleful or less than the very best;
If my Rabb grants me what I seek, of His bounty and His grace,
If my Rabb forgives me what I implore, of my faults and my shame,
If my Rabb bestows me what I crave, of His mercy and His solace,

Then all these scenes come into being,
Then all these hopes turn from lead into gold,
Then all these echoes link yesterday with tomorrow;
If I should, by Allah's will alone, find myself at the Gates of Firdaus,
And prayed that you found your end to mine quite close,
And asked you just one thing: for your hand to take,
Would you nod assent, and gift my heart your soul?

If I called you to a life beyond the one we see with our eyes,
If I called you to a future amidst Allah's company, the most refined,
If I asked you to meld your eternity with mine,
What would you reply?


- in the name of Allah -

color me Red already

it's true, my blood when it bleeds, same as any other when it's seen, a deep red, flowing from exit without prejudice, but the color isn't just part of the biological scheme, mostly it's from a cavern of the heart, keeping in it all your remnants, pieces of a jigsaw puzzle waiting to be resurrected. anticipation or madness, twinned heavenly aspects orbiting me in ever-slight shades of sadness, sometimes His rope I turned into a chain, fashioned in the past over forges of ignorance and apathy, but Allah's mercy and grace dominated my every dimension and plane, so the forges cooled to stillness, mirroring you to blessing in intent and purpose, instead of heat to punish the self it become fuel to burn for Heaven over Hell. the veins in the soul, the ducts of the eyes, in this life they'll never cease, they'll never be closed, as mechanisms releasing what's inside, to carve with their fluids through rocks of Earth, rivers in Firdaus as a place they long to go.

- in the name of Allah -

Watching part of Bayyinah's Quran Cover-to-Cover series, came across another definition of "fitnah":  when gold is purified from ore.

Is it at all amazing this process requires tremendous heat to separate the gold from the impurities? The symbolic connection to catharsis is...staggering. I figure humanity as a species fails to appreciate this lesson over and over again, because the moment we get caught up in a passing hardship it's like the only thing we can see, it clouds the vision and makes itself seem so much larger than it is.

Ain't true. Indeed with every hardship, comes ease. Also helps to keep Allah in mind in the midst of those storms, so we can foresee the growth coming after their rain.


- in the name of Allah -

of hopes

I hope that inferno stays ignited, with flames that never wane,
I hope it casts the brightest light, to open the doors of Paradise.

I hope that heart holds fast to faith, with zeal to match the blaze,
I hope it finds the best of reasons, to marry tomorrow in every season.

I hope that face retains its eager smile, to greet with patience all in life,
I hope it lets go of any frown, and tastes as sweet any lemons or limes.

I hope that soul keeps its reassurance close, as days pass by in blinks of eyes,
I hope it finds good with Allah everything it knows, and seeks to always fly. 


- in the name of Allah -

Typically when I've used the term 'grounded', it's referred to a means of being connected to the earth, being more in tune with aspects of dunya. Curiously, it doesn't seem to fit these days. Given as to how I've fashioned with Allah's help goals of akhirah, it seems I've adopted the perspective of needing anchors into the skies, rather than the kind that go into the earth. These sky tethers as I'll call them, help frame the connection to looking forward, upward, of bringing that which is far off (in human terms) nearer. So if that is the case, then what stops me from being absorbed into that state, from 'forgetting' to live as it were? Simply put, the reason is Allah. His will keeps me here so long as He decrees and there is no advancing or delaying it. I don't think any stronger means of being grounded could exist, so this should serve iA as the useful counter in those moments where I try to become even more immaterial than I already am. 

As to yesterday, alh the moment did pass, though its afterimage sticks with me. As one particular sky tether reminded me, "in the end, waAllah that is all that matters", an advice to keep focus on the goal ahead and not worry on the intermediate unknowns of this life we can't solve right away. Sound counsel mA.


- in the name of Allah -

somehow need to staunch this gash, find a means to control the flow, holding my guts in my hands, just a pen but when words are all that I am, being written disembowels whatever's inside, so I'm left barely breathing, barely a man. 

one gasp and stricken, this is the day where I wish nothing came out if I spoke, but from down within the trenches a void reigns so letters manage to choke, making handfuls of syllables in a crowd of anguish, vast solitude becoming to my goal a yoke. 

it's just a moment, then without trace it'll vanish, a present from fate though I never planned it, need to open the wrapping, thank Allah I'm still alive and able to stand it. 

- in the name of Allah -

tomorrows of today

underneath every ambition lit, inside of every rising spark, there's a flicker of you within, helping push away the dark. it's as if the past was but a prologue, a vapor made from souls tested to utmost limits but never lost. I've reached many times the fences to meaning in expressions, natural enclosures that almost prevent me from getting my point across time and spatial dimensions. these monologues, they seem to stretch for eternities along deserts of mirage and oceans of fog, landscapes created to obscure the vision and make this life seem the end of all. but it is not and can never be, as from this dream one day we'll wake and prove ourselves in what we've seen, inshaAllah.



- in the name of Allah -

If It's Better (as only Allah knows)..

...I hope these words you come to find:
as soothing rain, when life has left you dried,
as a pair of wings, when days are flightless filled,
as beacons bright in starry skies, when light fades from mind,
as gentle shade, when summer's heat is but a blaze, 
as an autumn breeze, when distress makes it hard to breathe.

If we considered stars as blessings, then Allah gave me so many that shine, 

And among all those gifts, you'd be my nova, glowing forever sublime.


- in the name of Allah -

Ya Rabb, please hold my place, 
there, in Firdaus, where dreams await,
Ya Rabb, I beg of You, my heart to hold
with You, for now it becomes, just so cold.

Oh Allah, sometimes, I see as enemies in allies,
wonder I do these steps I take, towards death or life?
if by all around, friend or foe, I am questioned or loathed,
please sustain all I am, in mind and heart, body & soul.

Oh Turner of Quloob, keep mine in Your company,
I am no caretaker of anything, with me would it I lose.
all of man may me a pariah cast, all around my being may shun,
but if You alone should bring me close, what fear have I, to be undone?

Ya Maalikul Mulk, I own nothing, desire here even less,
only that Your favor upon me be complete, so with You I may rest.
let me see no other Saviour, let me find no other solace,
except in You to defend my hope, and with You fulfilled a promise.



- in the name of Allah -

not enough expressions in the language, not enough seconds in the minute I'm given, to truly tell how far go the blessings, from past to future to present, it's just gift after gift laden by meaning transcendent, every pain from yesterday wrapped into purpose, seeking Allah's presence and mercy like arrows in slow-motion loosed, He showed me love so I might lose it, taste the loss so I knew what to chase in the best of places (Firdaus) at whatever the cost, He made my inner nature gravitate to ideals to see how the world would crash them and burn in ashes, that I might become the phoenix and soar to His Heaven with all His wind at my back, He let me be with my parents in old age and reverting in nature, that I might have another chance at His pleasure by giving them their kindness earned without reserve or measure, He let me wander through darknesses while never buried completely, so I would treasure His light when He brought me through them to see, He gave me every thing I've ever had, made me every thing I'll ever be, so I might show for His gifts gratitude and gladness, a road through every hardship and angst, to find myself with Him for ever in eternity complete.

For Allah, because it seems I (can) never write enough about Him. 


- in the name of Allah -

Looking Forward

there is a vision I've seen of autumn trees changing colors in the breeze,
a pallette to dazzle the senses, enrapture the eyes, tranquility for the restless. 

it hung in the sight for just mere minutes, before reality once again beckoned, 
but subhanAllah was it so sweet, a step into Gardens even better than I can dream.

this, by Allah's mercy and permission, just the beginning of bliss, a glory unremitting.
- in the name of Allah - 

Among other thoughts lately, it occurs to me that the notion of "fighting fate" is a very flawed one. It is not fate that one is ever truly fighting, but rather one's own self. I suspect fate is an easy scapegoat for one who's faced troubles that take more than he has to defeat them, so by blaming 'fate', there's no need to accept responsibility for one's own part in the failure. 

No doubt I've done this in the past, in some attempt to understand things too painful to swallow while too shortsighted myself to see beyond them. I do not think the human being ever needs to worry about fighting predestination/qadr/fate/time/etc. All of these are just excuses and pretenses created by the weaknesses of our lesser selves and shayateen, so that we wallow in the misery created instead of being able to open our eyes to something greater. In essence, if we give in to the temptation to lay blame on something else, we invite despair into our lives. For if the afflicted one can blame something else, then what else is there for him but to despair that it happened because he had not control over it and thus justify to himself his lowered state? 

It is true we do not control what comes tomorrow, what the weather may be, whether we will even live or die a year or second from the present moment. But I suspect the weakness we have to deny responsibility plays a large role in overstating how important "control" actually is. Truly, it is not as mighty as we give it credit for, especially because the human being is not at the center of the universe, not even his own if seen at a personal level. 

Maybe the most important crux of Islam is the ability of submission, to accept that Allah is greater than anything and everyone, that the highest position of a living being is to be considered His slave. Unquestionably it's hard to give in to this notion. Human beings love their sense of independence and self-direction and choosing the path they want. Perhaps in all other facets of life this can be indulged to a small degree. But the exception is and must be with Allah, that our recognizance of His ultimate dominion over everything and especially over us remains steady in our vision. No matter what our societies shape, no matter what technologies we form, it does not and can never compare to Allah and His creation of all that exists to begin with. Being able to place the self and ourselves as a species on the right balance of things, that is where the strongest and best path to serenity is. 

It is also true that not everyone is given the ability to submit. Wealth, power, influence, children, looks, etc, all of these are given howsoever Allah wills to whomever He wills. But being able to submit, that is to declare Allah supremely above one's self and one's self immensely below Allah, that is given by Allah only to those whom He loves. For those who do not care for that, who do not seek Allah, this presents no issue. When they disregard Him, they only risk being disregarded by Him; their recompense not a thing far off. 

But what if one does care to be loved by Allah? How to seek Him? The answer really is amazingly simple: just make dua and ask Him to make one among those whom He loves. The beauty of this is that, if Allah loves someone, He creates pathways for him or her to find Him, see Him in aspects of life, makes guidance a thing beloved to that individual. Something so incredible, and I think the way there is so unimaginably simple: to ask Him.