- in the name of Allah -


For one who seeks standing with his Rabb, what do I have to offer Him? There are times where I seem able to fulfill the condition of a submitting heart, when limbs follow not a stranger but who I wish I was. But then there are times when I can make no sense of my choices, where there is no internal response to counter rushing tides and so the moment sweeps me in its wake. What is my excuse before Allah? When I consider how He has protected me so, sheltered me from so many of life's whims and harsher winds, I find my inability to retain continual submission...frustrating beyond measure. Damn it nafs, submit and stay submitted! Rise not for your own destruction and mine, rather lay still and be silent if all you offer me is doom undisguised. 

Alas, that when I tend to choose, for those choices I find that darkness will ensue, momentary but gripping, this self of mine, the greatest enemy I ever knew. Still my Rabb lifts me when I try to sink, gives lungs breath when I try to drown, keeping me upright when I'm inclined to bend, raises my head when my gaze points only down. I have no answer for His questioning, unless He forgives me outright I'm utterly lost, worse than my past wandering, and even then He led me through it all. I deserve of His no gifts, there are no awards or deeds of making mine, that I can point to and say, 'Look, how it shines!'. Still, I hope He pours His mercy forth, though I am a vessel long broken, upon me for whatever it is worth, that I may be in whole forgiven, as I'm laid to rest in earth.