- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah. The stark contrasts and ironies of life sometimes just really weigh on a person. As I discern something uplifting, almost right next to it is its quantum twin, spinning in totally opposite direction. One force to rise, call higher, the other a chain to keep held down, weighted. It could be one necessitates the other, that life cannot really go forward without these polar opposites always tugging on one's will. It is the qadr of Allah after all, to create things in pairs and cycles, alternating ease and hardship, action and then reaction, growth and decay. Alh not unsatisfied with it, just something to marvel at.

What if the thinker always thought but never dreamt, would he still be able to see what inside the heart was kept? what if wheels were spun without a car, would they mean as much if people could not travel far? what would the sun remain without the moon, would it leave the earth scorched with no shade to keep it cool?

Glad I am then, the thinker thought to dream, that his past is but a prologue, to shape from hope the best unseen. There's no U-turns on this road, no pauses or rewinds, forward is the only place worth going, with always memory in mind. 


- in the name of Allah -

Yeah, words may be wind, but they're how submission (with the tongue) begins, paving the way for truth and other beautiful things to make their way within. A heart could never find its place if it was only fed with lies, words need their own purity, so we can tell what's really darkness from what's actually light. I know words without actions are worse than wind, rather more like snakes without eyes only emptiness seeking and emptiness is all they can bring. Among my hopes with Allah is that to write these occasional beacons, signposts guiding forward amidst any less than stellar moments.

There's no container that can hold what's behind my words, so to my Rabb they run always, pleading and hoping, fearing His wrath by distance (from me) that could easily rend me back to nothingness again without emotion or feeling. I'd walked so long in the abysses, known their allure of dementor's kisses, soulless pits they were, trying to ever be emptied of anything for all I found back then was only pain in meaning. So it was pain that made me keep on going, but Allah said after every hardship comes ease, and so it could just as well have been a nightmare I woke from to consider now a pleasant dream: finding Allah always once more, so I take as victory whatever path for me He has in store.

With words I hope to capture light in a bottle, cork it quick and hold it close for as long as I'm able. Whenever the present gets darker or dimmer, I'll see the ship inside with a little sun shining in the corner, brightening the skies, reminding me it's just a journey I'm taking to find her.


- in the name of Allah -

If had a choice between having what I wanted most in dunya or in akhirah, there is no question what I would pick: akhirah, in Firdaus, every. single. time. 

By Allah it's amazing this personal reality I didn't fathom till now. The way I am, the way I look at things, the way the soul has always leaned, the answer to one of my history's most enduring puzzles literally feels like it just fell right into place. Surprising given that I'd already accepted and faced what Allah had decreed regardless, but this sort of retrospective in a moment in time where it only adds toward wanting to find my Rabb...is incomparable. To anything. 

Allah knows what people don't, sees what people can't, understands beyond our tiny scope. What beautiful a thing it is, to be able to find my self in complete resonance with a post from 09/02/05. It's akin to being a character in a story and not knowing what the author has in store, but eventually learning of that somehow anyway, like an orbit coming full circle. Wow what a road that was. Long as heck it seemed, such frequent and deep shades of darkness and gloom. But seriously, it was all worth it. It is all worth it. It always was worth it. It will always be worth it. Whether we see it from in front or behind along the stream of time, is irrelevant. WaAllahi this road is worth every moment. To find Allah again like this, in a way I'd forgotten in a younger self, to see purpose linked with past now tied to future, shaping these very moments I write this.....I could not have reached a single bit of it alone, had Allah left me to my own devices. It just couldn't have been, not even in the slightest, if He didn't help me, didn't watch over my wandering nature in a way that defies imagining. Without Allah I would have floundered and kept floundering in a mess of my own making, so it's only fitting that all gratitude and every shukr belongs to Allah entirely. Though my objective remains steady as ever, my purpose is Allah, as it was always to be. 


- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah. It's been a year since that day I looked outside at sunlight shining whitely. mA things have come so far in so little time. It never ceases to amaze me how cyclic and circuituitous life had been for me. What I sought I couldn't have, what I didn't want to seek was the way to go ahead. The layering of paradoxes in this is staggering. If I was me a year or two back, it would have only been something to add to the torment. 

But with that first glance, and following steps after it, alhamdulillah things are brighter. Of the deepest ironies, in what I swear is a ever-growing list of them as I get older, the reason I could go look ahead was because of what had partly rooted me backwards in the first place. The transformation of the "past folly" into my "end-goal hope" sums it up entirely. How do I truly express gratitude for that nudge forward, for the ability to let go of the past in a way so complete I'd never felt lighter in my life? Alhamdulillah is the obvious answer, and it has been said and will continue to be said for long as I remain iA, but what about to the one who played her part, said what came to her though it came in pieces? No 'thank you' is enough (thank you, anyway), not even 'jazakAllah khair' approaches (jazakAllah khair, still) the depth of what it meant to me. 

Though words fail, I guess I won't stop trying: When I reach for a star, I don't want to ever stop reaching, so long as I'm alive, so long as I'm breathing, it's a place I'm heading or a vision I'm seeing. Stay shining, always.


- in the name of Allah -

Risen - a counter to S. M.'s Fallen

Heaven hath no need to bend, for my knees can do the same,
Tranquil grace to keep the head held up high, to cool the eyes its rain.

I'm finding the answers now, to questions long since spoken,
Beseeching my Rabb for company, to keep straight the road I've chosen.

Barely now I've begun trying my best, finding light in midst of every stress,
Free from distraction's fences, after hardships to relish the ease and rest.

True, once the pain was so great, once the price so high I'd paid, 
I felt the whole road too twisted, so disllusion thrashed my soul in its wake.

Good intent indeed, the currency of fools, trying to spin from delusion truth,
A love too raw and young, a heart too untested even if still held true.

No doubt I'll carry always scars, wounds that took forever healing,
No doubt those glaciers etched their mark, to a point beyond reason or seeing.

But so much is this very moment worth, that to reach this point I'd run again,
In any direction needed, whether circles of marathons or ellipses of sprints. 

Ad inifitum even, if that is what it took, if it were in fact my fate, to arc around the stars, 
It'd matter not how long I had to wait, worth every second made, just to see the future from afar.

Redemption's always there for the seeking, a guidepost for the willing, a lifeline for the breathing,
Regardless what others might say, He alone decides to lift a soul from baseness into meaning.

As it is with all ships and seas, that which sinks can also find ways to float,
On journeys of tomorrow's breeze, desperate pleas abound, to hold onto always Allah's rope.
- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah. It's always nice to be able to look back and say the parts of ourselves that we'd rather keep are still there, or have been found again. Definitely holds true for me mA. The recovery process took quite a while, but this road is totally worth it, not to mention trying to fix up some old patches in the ground I walked behind me is like the least I can do. Also alh seems like I can now be around people, learn of difficult aspects of their life and things probably better left unlearned, and not be phased by them in the least. the concern is there, but it doesn't hit me like a comet of disillusion anymore. it dissipates in the atmosphere or never even makes it that close to my being. the hope is iA I've finally understood how to separate knowing 'of people' from empathizing with their state so deeply it could drag me in with it. whatever advice or listening is there to be done, is gonna be there iA. but the pull of my own road and purpose appears strong enough biithniAllah that it isn't swayed by them much at all. it feels a bit like being cold-hearted lol, but I suppose that is the price of some level of emotional immunity to the unending stream of life's external issues and temperaments. there are limits to which knowledge we should/want to find in life, just try to navigate them as level-headed as possible iA.


- in the name Allah -

It took awhile, but 2/25's post is no longer published. Should have thought of that sooner as an alternative to deletion, but as usual I'm late to the party. Man, so late lol. All's good though alh. The castles being worked on in Firdaus kinda worth the wait. Speaking of things worth the wait, hopefully it was/is all yellow on the other side of the river too iA.


- in the name of Allah -

/forward slash/
it doesn't matter how long I last, how many days fade to sand, blown away by winds of time, showing or hiding from me who I truly am. around every corner in my mind is a shade from the past carrying in her palm my future's hand. so long as the sap from this bark keeps bleeding, so long as these lungs still take in air, I'll keep on penning my words to ink, in hopes these paper planes help lift your soul ever higher There. there's no doubt I am a fool, juggling this balancing act between the heart and the rules, but this is the line I walk, trying to keep both today and tomorrow afloat while carving from eternity my eternal truth. and how could I walk such a path without thanking Allah in the first of places? He Who guides me back to His road all the times I stumble off witless and blind to what I own. the gift He gives is immense beyond all measure of pleasure or pain, reaching the core of things and giving strength to walk when of my self I'd rather let loose the dams and drown in pity's self-made waves. it was almost a year ago when I looked out my window at the sunlight shining whitely, beckoning then as it beckons still, as much purpose now as it is fulled to brim with hopes, tying me to submission's boat while travelling in the midst of stormy seas, an anchor for the soul so it might see Allah's promise in earnest known

Alhamdulillah now a year older and life marches onward in its inevitable progress. It's been rainy the past few days, just my kinda weather.