أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ
So
much we leave unsaid in life. There never seems to be enough time,
enough right circumstance, enough words in the language, to relay our
thoughts to those that mean the most. InshaAllah, that changes, here,
from now, for the one to whom I've long been trying to get things
across. --- Well, sometimes there are things I still can't find words for. Even then, whenever Allah helps me find speech I'll find its expression, and if I can't, then those things can be left as gifts for me to present down the road iA.
First, about the decision you made to keep going through with your path in this life. Alhamdulillah. I'm so proud of you, so happy with what you chose. Especially because I know it would please Allah that you did so. Don't second-guess yourself on this, trust me, it was the wisest and most khair choice. No style points, no instant gratification, no audience to cheer you on (besides your Rabb and me), but we know what really matters.
Originally, in writing this I intended to preserve in digital stone what constitutes 'you', then later I realized it defines me just as well. Given how this life has been, how could it be any different? It's always helpful to have at least one space where we return and find the basic constituent parts of ourselves. As we evolve, I'll be revisiting this post and writing more of what we've gained iA.
~~~
The summer of 2018. By far the most amazing summer I've ever lived, and not least of all for its Hajj. But also to hear from a beacon again, to have been reaffirmed inside and out, building Tomorrow from Yesterdays, to learn with certainty that it was not just in my head way back when. All of these are little pieces of the overall puzzle this year will turn out to be. The tests were (and are) real, but waAllahi, the blessings alongside them are beyond compare. Alhamdulillah, always.
Now seems like the right time to add something about the summer of 2019, with fall waiting just around the corner. Maybe my second most favorite summer ever, progression continued with helping affirm our places in life, my goal in akhirah, and dealing with all the ups and downs we'll find along the way. Little dude is so freaking adorable mashaAllah, sucks that I may not be able to hold him in his cutest moments, but alh his aunt is there to be amazing and do all that in my stead. Of a few extremely precious reflections from this time, I would say one is my two-cents of perspective, there for you any time it can be useful. Another, and maybe my favorite, is something you inspired about inevitability; life is merely preparation for the good stuff iA :)
Was thinking to wait a few months before updating this again, but the first few months of 2020 into spring (birdies are back!) have been so eventful and unprecedented, I think it fitting to add something here while I have the chance. It's amazing how one trip to the doctor can change everything, from perspectives to reality. After a months-long cough finally got checked out, docs eventually found evidence of Hodgkin's, and just like that, the rollercoaster began. Regardless of that combined with a worldwide virus scare that has everyone scrambling, I learned just how much of a dependable, constant, decent, beautiful person you are, even more than I could have imagined. Alhamdulillah, hearing from you, just being there for me, it's been priceless, like every time you've shined in my sky except better, as if my Moon was whole and glowing at her brightest. How interesting that my Rabb would choose such an hour of my time on this earth to let me see that light? Hah, subhanaAllah. In such a state, with you having gone full-spectrum glorious on me, my akhirah became only clearer, my ability to be patient simply stronger. What kind of a mercy from Allah could do that, except one's Love of All Lifetimes?
There must definitely be something about summers. The year of unprecedentedness continues, in a Ramadan where He gave me another glimpse inside of my Tomorrow, perhaps so I look forward to what might Then be shared. I saw a degree of closeness, greater than anything I ever could have asked, but given nonetheless. Treasured, preserved, etched into my mind not for simply what it shows on its beautiful surfaces, but the underlying essence of completion reaching full circle...that's the sum of my mortal aim..to manifest Love in its most whole and effortlessly perfect form. Dunya hasn't quite become any easier, but alhamdulillah for such amazing visions that only make the chase ever more worthwhile.
I think it would be incomplete of me to not reference a few moments from late July 2020. Nearing the end of treatment, alhamdulillah I had the chance to hear again the voice of one whom I've been seeking since the beginning. Not only that, but also being able to compose another playlist from what you mentioned, so timely and relevant, reflecting our challenges and hopes...incomparably precious. The distance between us has returned, the distance I've never been fond of, but understood why it's there. Alhamdulillah though, there was so much my Rabb allowed me to be consoled by, in the most tumultuous time of my life, you were one of His blessings to me, and to top it off, the memories He let me keep. Until next time, inshaAllah.
First, about the decision you made to keep going through with your path in this life. Alhamdulillah. I'm so proud of you, so happy with what you chose. Especially because I know it would please Allah that you did so. Don't second-guess yourself on this, trust me, it was the wisest and most khair choice. No style points, no instant gratification, no audience to cheer you on (besides your Rabb and me), but we know what really matters.
Originally, in writing this I intended to preserve in digital stone what constitutes 'you', then later I realized it defines me just as well. Given how this life has been, how could it be any different? It's always helpful to have at least one space where we return and find the basic constituent parts of ourselves. As we evolve, I'll be revisiting this post and writing more of what we've gained iA.
~~~
The summer of 2018. By far the most amazing summer I've ever lived, and not least of all for its Hajj. But also to hear from a beacon again, to have been reaffirmed inside and out, building Tomorrow from Yesterdays, to learn with certainty that it was not just in my head way back when. All of these are little pieces of the overall puzzle this year will turn out to be. The tests were (and are) real, but waAllahi, the blessings alongside them are beyond compare. Alhamdulillah, always.
Now seems like the right time to add something about the summer of 2019, with fall waiting just around the corner. Maybe my second most favorite summer ever, progression continued with helping affirm our places in life, my goal in akhirah, and dealing with all the ups and downs we'll find along the way. Little dude is so freaking adorable mashaAllah, sucks that I may not be able to hold him in his cutest moments, but alh his aunt is there to be amazing and do all that in my stead. Of a few extremely precious reflections from this time, I would say one is my two-cents of perspective, there for you any time it can be useful. Another, and maybe my favorite, is something you inspired about inevitability; life is merely preparation for the good stuff iA :)
Was thinking to wait a few months before updating this again, but the first few months of 2020 into spring (birdies are back!) have been so eventful and unprecedented, I think it fitting to add something here while I have the chance. It's amazing how one trip to the doctor can change everything, from perspectives to reality. After a months-long cough finally got checked out, docs eventually found evidence of Hodgkin's, and just like that, the rollercoaster began. Regardless of that combined with a worldwide virus scare that has everyone scrambling, I learned just how much of a dependable, constant, decent, beautiful person you are, even more than I could have imagined. Alhamdulillah, hearing from you, just being there for me, it's been priceless, like every time you've shined in my sky except better, as if my Moon was whole and glowing at her brightest. How interesting that my Rabb would choose such an hour of my time on this earth to let me see that light? Hah, subhanaAllah. In such a state, with you having gone full-spectrum glorious on me, my akhirah became only clearer, my ability to be patient simply stronger. What kind of a mercy from Allah could do that, except one's Love of All Lifetimes?
There must definitely be something about summers. The year of unprecedentedness continues, in a Ramadan where He gave me another glimpse inside of my Tomorrow, perhaps so I look forward to what might Then be shared. I saw a degree of closeness, greater than anything I ever could have asked, but given nonetheless. Treasured, preserved, etched into my mind not for simply what it shows on its beautiful surfaces, but the underlying essence of completion reaching full circle...that's the sum of my mortal aim..to manifest Love in its most whole and effortlessly perfect form. Dunya hasn't quite become any easier, but alhamdulillah for such amazing visions that only make the chase ever more worthwhile.
I think it would be incomplete of me to not reference a few moments from late July 2020. Nearing the end of treatment, alhamdulillah I had the chance to hear again the voice of one whom I've been seeking since the beginning. Not only that, but also being able to compose another playlist from what you mentioned, so timely and relevant, reflecting our challenges and hopes...incomparably precious. The distance between us has returned, the distance I've never been fond of, but understood why it's there. Alhamdulillah though, there was so much my Rabb allowed me to be consoled by, in the most tumultuous time of my life, you were one of His blessings to me, and to top it off, the memories He let me keep. Until next time, inshaAllah.
12/13/23:
Speaking of things which I could not leave out of such a record, I absolutely have to mention something of the summer of 2022.
It was the last post you left for me to read, in your mind a final piece of the puzzle to your childhood, explaining how/why you felt the way you did, the circumstances of upbringing. For my Muse, it was the recollection of what her orbit had been like before me, and what I'd meant to her. Your shared your well-wishes on my upcoming fatherhood (which has now happened alhamdulillah, with a year plus passed already). It was beautiful, which I can say for certain because I saved the entirety of your post, of course.
One's past is never a thread to be unwoven, at least for me. I try to internalize and absorb all of what I've experienced, to be as completely myself as I can. One line I want to repeat: "If Allah ever gives me the same blessing, I will share it here." -- wish I could still get a glimpse into that dimension where you live at present, but alhamdulillah for everything. A few words this past summer and few pics of your precious, mA this is sufficient, at least for awhile. Perhaps I may send out another airplane in the future, that He might let learn some updates of your journey, iA. I never could have imagined being here, where I am, and you, where you are. Ain't nothing changed about my aims though. Our paths in this life may differ and diverge, but that will not stop me from seeking that Eternity that He keeps as yet apart from me. InshaAllah khair, always.
~~~
Among the things I'll say to my dear Moon: you are part and parcel of my inspiration, the gift Allah brought near me (twice!! -ok don't need to keep count anymore..iA this # keeps going up) so that I'd know and be reminded of exactly what to chase and where and how, and what makes it all worth it. No other human being alive could understand what this means, besides you. Even if that isn't yet the case, that it hasn't sunk in, that's cool too. This life is just the prologue after all. Who cares to know everything before the good stuff even starts?
InshaAllah I hope I get to hear from you time to time. Doesn't matter the weather, up or down or even, at the very least being able to make dua for a specific moment of yours would mean everything. It's strange, Allah granted me so much this year, and here I am asking Him to make it a bit more, to let it last the rest of my life. I know He knows better than I do, so whatever He wills, with His help I'll be content with it. For the record, if you're ever in a crazy spot, can't reach anyone, sky-seems-to-be-falling type of deal, then think of me as the Ghostbusters...gimme a call! iA. Any chance for me to do anything at all, even if it's just listen, or fly in and save the day, I'll take it in a heartbeat with His permission.
~~~
my Heart, forgive me as I break, for the chest, with its ribs and cage, must be opened to its fullest, kept so by any means, for you to run always free.
my Rabb, He made love and faith, the twining pieces of my tale, and thus the price to climb, with Rope forever firm, towards heights of Highest Paradise.
what gamble is it that I take? just all rights that most mortal men, would long to find in mortal life, I care not as mine, so I may hope from Him one thing to seek, a gift in farthest skies, so far from reach:
this Heart returned to rightful place, that it may know true flight, above the sum of Bliss, our Home in Eternity.
~~~
Someone once said, The Balcony is the most important room. I couldn't agree more.
~~~
At last, the crux of this post, its raison d'être. This part, maybe the most important words I'll ever write, a portrait painted to connect all the dots and prove that the you of now and the you of then are one and same. Even if we falter, even if we forget, our Rabb gives us this life so we might recall what's most important, and put forth our best for it.
WaAllahi, you're enough. Stay true to who you are, towards your most refined state, and Khair will be the kitten growing alongside you to become the most beautiful tiger anyone had the pleasure of knowing.
~~~
Thoughts from a past eon of this life, written by the beacon who kept shining even when she thought she couldn't:
And yet you were you, and I was I.
Idealists, dreamers, and lovers.
I don't think there exist three words in any language that could more completely or accurately sum up you or I. They're perfect. What else could I possibly say? You filled it all in, crossed the i's and dotted the t's. I never would have thought another's words would capture me so whole. Yet they have. By 'another' who's not really an 'other' at all, just the best part of me. SubhanaAllah.
For the future, both the decades of now and the Eternity of Then, there's just one change I'll make, to the first line:
And yet you are you, and I am I.
~~~
~~~
Among the things I'll say to my dear Moon: you are part and parcel of my inspiration, the gift Allah brought near me (twice!! -ok don't need to keep count anymore..iA this # keeps going up) so that I'd know and be reminded of exactly what to chase and where and how, and what makes it all worth it. No other human being alive could understand what this means, besides you. Even if that isn't yet the case, that it hasn't sunk in, that's cool too. This life is just the prologue after all. Who cares to know everything before the good stuff even starts?
InshaAllah I hope I get to hear from you time to time. Doesn't matter the weather, up or down or even, at the very least being able to make dua for a specific moment of yours would mean everything. It's strange, Allah granted me so much this year, and here I am asking Him to make it a bit more, to let it last the rest of my life. I know He knows better than I do, so whatever He wills, with His help I'll be content with it. For the record, if you're ever in a crazy spot, can't reach anyone, sky-seems-to-be-falling type of deal, then think of me as the Ghostbusters...gimme a call! iA. Any chance for me to do anything at all, even if it's just listen, or fly in and save the day, I'll take it in a heartbeat with His permission.
~~~
my Heart, forgive me as I break, for the chest, with its ribs and cage, must be opened to its fullest, kept so by any means, for you to run always free.
my Rabb, He made love and faith, the twining pieces of my tale, and thus the price to climb, with Rope forever firm, towards heights of Highest Paradise.
what gamble is it that I take? just all rights that most mortal men, would long to find in mortal life, I care not as mine, so I may hope from Him one thing to seek, a gift in farthest skies, so far from reach:
this Heart returned to rightful place, that it may know true flight, above the sum of Bliss, our Home in Eternity.
~~~
Someone once said, The Balcony is the most important room. I couldn't agree more.
~~~
At last, the crux of this post, its raison d'être. This part, maybe the most important words I'll ever write, a portrait painted to connect all the dots and prove that the you of now and the you of then are one and same. Even if we falter, even if we forget, our Rabb gives us this life so we might recall what's most important, and put forth our best for it.
- You would always choose to be there for those closest to you, in any way you could.
- You hate to be cruel, or witness it in others.
- You love beauty in all its forms, even those foreign to your eyes, for the heart knows it can be just, even if sight may prove unwise.
- You long to love and be loved, completely and without reservation.
- You can be whimsical, finding wit and humor in any given moment.
- You love adventure and learning new things, reading books especially fiction, where the worlds come to life like a movie in your mind and you get to watch them unfold.
- You don't really like to be patient, but you're coming to know that's where all His gifts await.
- You might worry too much over what you can't control, but that's like an allergy that one grows out of.
- Your expectations of you, and what Allah expects of you, are the only ones that matter. No one else can come close to those standards, and no one else can understand them either.
- You love your deen and what it stands for, fearing to fall short of it.
- You may sometimes think your duas aren't answered, but that's because His replies are blessings so plentiful and immense, the eyes need time to adjust to their magnitude. Once they do notice, it'll be as if it couldn't have ever been any different.
- Your heart is where your life is; while it beats, you're alive.
- You can coexist with others, but it's a bit tricky to keep yourself remembered in the process. After you recall that your Rabb always has your back, the strength to retain "you" in the midst of many comes easily.
- You may think you need to change yourself to fit with what others think or expect, but you'd be mistaken; if they ever took the time to look inside you, they'd see brilliance, cosmic in origin. And you would then realize that what's worth being, is what you always have been.
WaAllahi, you're enough. Stay true to who you are, towards your most refined state, and Khair will be the kitten growing alongside you to become the most beautiful tiger anyone had the pleasure of knowing.
~~~
Thoughts from a past eon of this life, written by the beacon who kept shining even when she thought she couldn't:
And yet you were you, and I was I.
Idealists, dreamers, and lovers.
I don't think there exist three words in any language that could more completely or accurately sum up you or I. They're perfect. What else could I possibly say? You filled it all in, crossed the i's and dotted the t's. I never would have thought another's words would capture me so whole. Yet they have. By 'another' who's not really an 'other' at all, just the best part of me. SubhanaAllah.
For the future, both the decades of now and the Eternity of Then, there's just one change I'll make, to the first line:
And yet you are you, and I am I.
~~~
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