أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

Alhamdulillah, especially for the ease after difficulty. Connecting and mutual understanding with my Gift have spurred to new heights in the past week, due to a number of things I could never have expected to share or know from the one made as my provision in this life. She's still exploring the ocean, learning of its surface depths, but a deeper layer has called her towards it and she swims to its echo, perhaps knowingly or not, but alhamdulillah the shades of resonance have started to manifest. 

Married life teaches one many things, and I expect these lessons will continue so long as life endures. And as a sage friend of mine once said, "you can never stop giving." I've started finding some emotional return on what's been emanating from myself, and the changes/acceptances it evokes in her is amazing mA. She has begun learning of what/who I seek most and where it is sought, and of herself becoming a part of me, a part of the waves. Strange, the ways in which her questions and curiosity brought her closer into depths that, perhaps "normally", would have caused most people to be made upset by. But I find peace only with truth, even though for the longest time truth seemed to offer me only sadness or pain. My Gift has begun her acceptance of me, and one day, sooner or later, by His permission, my mortal beloved will love each other as I love them, in a place and way that only His most beautiful gifts could illustrate into complete perfection. 

As my Moon once wrote, "High hopes, he’s got, hiiiigh hopes, High in the, skyyy hopes." Lol, how true it is.

 

In a sort of side note, an update from the medical side of things, since this year was what it was in part because of it. So, last CT scan from October shows no growths, nothing major anywhere, and the lymph nodes appear as normal as possible. Alhamdulillah my doc tells me this is good news ("so long as they don't grow," he said too). Though we can never tell how life will play itself out, I find contentment with qadr and my beloved all around. This isn't the end of my seeking, but a very pleasant state to be able to find rest in, alhamdulillah. 

A few lyrics cooking in the back of the mind, will put them up once they crystallize a bit iA.

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

something of being Gifted

 

when all she scratches is the surface, and when the nafs is all that answers, what is the rest of me projecting, if not this life like a desert, the oases so far apart, from when i come to find them? wish i had a map, know how the journey will bend, where the pitfalls are hiding, have not culture or language or childhood as barriers to create distance when next to me she's standing. 

why has the ocean been so silent? surely not the consequence of past denials and rejections, moments of my humanity pouring forth that found at the time no vessel? no way to tell, which way this Gift swings, like a state undecided, both a Gift to try me with and, sometimes it seems, be itself as blessing. the only waves these days i seem to find, of absences or my own mistakes, apparent as the second they were made. 

forgive me, ya Rabb. time teaches me yet, how i am so far beneath my aim.