- in the name of Allah -

It is never as bad as it seems, never as worrisome as it appears. For me, this is at least especially true because when I compare the blessings I have on one hand versus what fitan I experience on the other, the scale is ridiculously in favor of the things my Rabb has given. I have so many reasons to just say alhamdulillah and let the hardships just fall away. Sure they might come back and pester time and time again, but that doesn't diminish the blessing at all. Just I need to remind myself how much truly Allah has gifted me, the people I've gotten to know, the family I can love despite anything and everything, the light He gave me that stays on shining no matter my nafs' attempts to ruin it. Invariably, His mercy and will far exceed my pitiful rebellions, and truly, maybe, this is the most important thing to be grateful for, that Allah allows one not to drown by their own mistakes, that He gives them continual paths outside of the corners we paint ourselves into. 

It also never ceases to amaze me the route I took to find this moment in time. It's one thing to have cared for another deeply over time, and not just in the typical capacities of family and old friends, but in the most rarest instances where the hearts embrace the truth, sustain it in one another, reinforce the best aspects, creating one good that leads to another good, leading to another, and another, and so on..until truly it is as if there is nowhere else such a connection can lead to except to Allah, the most desirable end for any who have sound minds and hearts. What makes this so stunning is the reciprocity. I can't say I ever deserved it, but these presently-slightly-distant bonds upheld a mutually similar regard that retains, by Allah's grace, the most important feature of calling back to Allah, establishing reasons and a vision that extends beyond time itself into the immortality of Akhirah. 

Truly, if these beacons didn't call me to Allah, they'd be no good for me. I've heard it said or read that either something calls to good or evil, to Allah or the shayateen. While I cannot grasp the full import of what seems in-between, from what can be discerned this is no doubt true. Yet another bounty from my Rabb that He made me what I am, lead me to know who I have, that He guided and protected the inherent goodness from being corrupted, such that I yearn now as I always have, to find truth, love knowledge, seek an end worth seeking, and ultimately bi ithniAllah find repose with them underneath the shade of His throne. May Allah make this always so, and complete for me all of my aims in the best of ways, ameen.


- in the name of Allah -

"in the end, words are just wind", so it was once said but this is not what I think, words are keys to the soul, unlocking inner thoughts preserved within. without words all we would have is a world of silence, less potential for anger or hurt, sure, but without the truth or emotion that makes us more than just animalistic or mindless. to me, words are the perfect kind of mortal's clay, where we can fashion from lesser parts and pieces a more noble purpose and picture that keeps precious moments still in a painting, while all around us life continues to change, altering in shape. with words I can freeze-frame capture the intents I'd otherwise be left to let internally simmer, slowly boiling over the brain while roasting the heart over a fireless dinner, a sum of expressions overcooked and overstated by failures. but! fortunate for me that Allah gave me this ability to think and keep on writing, while gravity is ever-grounding and this life by its distances overcrowding, I can formulate with letters the Wings and mechanisms to visualize what's far better, elevating a hope that my meaning soars by His permission, landing in the chests of those keeping torches lit through these lifetimes of winter.


- in the name of Allah -


covered in blessings from the ground to the heavens, whether in sin or repentance, my existence is tempered so long as He has my soul tethered, to a ship that can't sink like a chain without links, so no part of it breaks, so long as I hold fast to His rope, and know my everything He already owns. whether in flight or in falter, fancy or furor, apathy or agony, His qadr reaches past it all, pulling me back from my wish to slip between the seams and bury the senses in senselessness right alongside my dreams. He is my Guide back from the farthest of ledges, my Sustainer when energy drains from muscles leaving the will flaccid and flightless, my Light if I ever chase darkness down the deepest of abysses. even if I composed couplets from every one of His names, to try and trace how the mercy falls like droplets of rain, my words will always fall short of their aim. what I'm able to state compared to His grace, a candle's glow, blown out by the wind, with His truth as rays of light endlessly pouring from the sum of all suns, regardless of clouds or orbital distance, a divine magnanimity perpetually saving me from myself and being undone. no mortal could ever fathom all of what He's provided, sheltered from catastrophes, opened doors of salvation, allowed me to at least appreciate His guidance without hesitation, let me survive a whiff of love and its loss yet still manage to hold hope in abundance. all of these favors, delectable fruits whose flesh can effortlessly be savored, with just a little attention, because He made both the tongue and the taster. would that I never forget for a moment any portion of the blessings and ease, that such recollections help carry me through times of angst and apathies, enabling me to show Him at least enough gratitude to be forgiven my flaws, finding in His ridwaan all the best of what I've ever sought, alongside the company of those who loved and lived with Him as their Cause. -ameen


- in the name of Allah -

Eid Mubarak! :)

Beacon, the First: Noor ul Qamar
finished 6.25

For any weary traveler, taking the road at night,
There are few things more precious, 
Than when the skies are clear,
And upon the path he walks,
Shines his moon with its light.

To describe this glow, one might call it sweet,
Never bitter to the senses,
Or one might call it vibrant,
A kaleidoscope of joy from guidance,
Or one might call it soft,
Never blinding his eyes, or leaving him sightless.

For such a lamp, to keep its place in one's cosmos,
While all around galaxies are born, or fade to dust in smoke,
Needs only our Creator, He Who made them both.

Were it not for Allah's mercy, were it not for His generosity,
If left to my own devices, without Him, myself alone,
Without any question or doubt, I'd destroy my deeds, 
And leave my heart in pieces, without a home.

So it is, that when I recall this moon of mine, 
I cannot help but be grateful to my Rahim, 
Who placed in my horizon, that which always shines:
A beacon towards Firdaus, with one's hopes brought to life.

- Ya Allah, forgive me and my ummah of all our sins, guide us always on Siratul Mustaqeem, accept from us all of our good deeds, and join me in Firdaus with my beacons, ameen ya Rabbal-'aalamin.


- in the name of Allah -

Random thought from yesterday:

For the one who seeks life, he is chased by death. 
For the one who seeks death, life chases after him.


- in the name of Allah -

From the end of "The Weaver's Lament", last book in 'Symphony of Ages':
“Come!” she called once more. Her
voice was musical, but held none of the
power of the ring of the Namer. Her eyes
met his, and her smile broadened.
“Come with us, if you want to live!”
As the gate crumbled before his eyes,
and the sea began to rush in, Achmed’s
heart leapt, and he could not help
He threw his head back, as he had
never before done in his life, and began
to laugh uproariously.
Then he ran for the doorway and
climbed through it.
Into arms that were waiting to
embrace him.
Welcoming him.

After all his journeys through
darkness, above and below the surface
of the Earth, into the Light.


 Through a story that was sometimes great, sometimes annoying in its repetition, I have to say this ending fits. Perhaps fits me more than can be imagined, as I seek also the end of my journey, a path to Allah that finishes my time on earth into Truth that calls me so strongly existence begins to pale in comparison. But yet His qadr is I live, keep breathing for purposes of finding guidance, maybe give a little reflection and hope to any and all of my beloved, that a desire to meet Al-Haq be lit in their bones as well as mine. Ultimately, where are we going, if not back to Him from whence we came?


- in the name of Allah -

there's no medications for me to take, no way to end this dissonance, that keeps me, so out of place.
like how all humanity can suffice with pills and remedies, to snuff out what their souls can't stand, so they can feel as they please; I have no such off-switch, no means to keep the nafs in line, beyond what strength the heart deigns to give, in rare cases it hasn't yet encased itself in ice. fitan, trials of tests measuring mettle and essence, seems like I can only fail them all, as shallowness abounds me in abundance regardless of efforts. what good are any depths I might find, any wisdoms I learn, if alone in me they're left, with none else to share and discern? how can I reach any other soul, when this age I've come to, is when folk let die their dreams, making normalcy their abode?


- in the name of Allah -

Still breathing, still alive, beyond my own will there's forces my self keeping, standing, walking, eating, while the rebel in me that disdained forever this cage, screams in unspent rage at things he cannot do or have or say, of tests looped ad infinitum, while nearly driven to madness like a cup overflowing to brim. A friend wished once he was a blade of grass, though on such a grounded wish I'd surely pass, for myself I'd be the birds and their wings, carried off by wind and will, to places nearby or places beyond human reach. Always the air, whether in storms or weather fair, always a route to be found for the avian with energy to expend, if it ever sought to find Elsweyr.

These lungs, they're borrowed, same as the skin and the bones, both the hollow and marrowed, these cells and physiologies, keeping in pace the rhythm of hearts and the body's means, no credit of mine to take wherein there's nothing there I made, but still the soul seeks its breeze, flapping against currents only it can feel and see, trapped betwixt the ledge of this never-ending Present, and where tomorrow like a (sometimes fading) fancy gleams. Agony is my cellmate, so long as I live in life and breathe, becoming the blanket for when comes the chill of things left distant still, pervading through  stones and seeping through barred windowsills.

If there's one plea I can always make, whether the heart beats, or lies buried at stake, it is that an end to the dissonance between existence and myself, is not far off the course in time for me to help, that I never linger in life for a second more, than qadr itself has for me in store.


- in the name of Allah -

While I find myself utterly lacking for its qualification, I have to say the Akhirah pulls at me like only the best of Allah's gifts could:

The recitation, audio, visuals, everything..subhanaAllah


- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah, Ramadan. Not the funnest time of year, but one where it's easiest to find moments of spiritual reflection. Though to me it always seemed to reinforce the sense of a prison on top of a prison (on top of a prison), that doesn't take anything away from the opportunities it gives. 

Each second, every minute, represent little gateways to improving or creating a connection to Allah, a concept so vast its true benefit and import can never really be grasped. Still worth it. Human beings are limited in the time and space and frame of mind and expectation (or lack thereof) of their daily existence, so we can never fully appreciate the kinds of favors we're shown. But they're still there, waiting for us to make some mention of shukr to Allah. 

As of late, I've been fairly even-tempered in most aspects. Still not able to tap into the emotional depth as I had some weeks back, but I suppose this is partly due to the inherent need people have to connect that finds itself always kinda limited in my case. Dad's health is getting worse-ish, chemo treatments aside, it's as if there's little left but preparation for the end. It might be that eventuality links in to my current state, giving some reasoning for its distanceness, difficulty in being able to hold any emotion for any length of time. It's extremely ironic: those who'd seek to escape and avoid their mortality find it in front of them, yet those who'd embrace their impending end find it only ever out of reach, secretly hidden in a vault of the future they're not privy to. Alas. 

I've also recently deduced I can't exactly keep my entire focus on tomorrow, on hopes of Jannah, as much I'd want. For if I did, as I have a bit recently, then I sort of lose sight of a great deal of what's in front of me, and maybe worse, I want deeply to be disconnected from what is the present and find myself in tomorrow, a paradox because tomorrow is by definition slightly out of reach for me, and like the hamster on its wheel I'm stuck constantly engaged in living in the present. There's no getting around these aspects of the mortal coil, much as I wish it wasn't, much as the soul longs to be free of its physical cages. But, alhamdulillah, I can still sometimes look forward, see into a place just barely imagined, and it serves as just enough fuel for the moments I now inhabit. Just enough that the torches lit haven't vanished, just enough that my Haq calls me to Him in tones always repeating. 

One of the things most endearing about my deen, and there are so many, but one of its most beautiful and beneficent aspects is in this hadith: "The Messenger of Allah صلى الله عليه وسلم  said, “The supplication of a Muslim for his brother in his absence will certainly be answered. Every time he makes a supplication for good for his brother, the angel appointed for this particular task says: `Ameen! May it be for you, too’.” [Muslim]. " So all one has to do is make dua for his fellow brethren, and that same good automatically comes back to him, a built-in mechanism to combine the aspects of selflessness and selfishness in the best possible way: wanting good for others and for ourselves, by means of making dua for others. Can it get any easier than that? Not at all. The magnanimity in Islam is so far surpassing anything humans could devise, always calling to the inherent good in us. 

Alhamdulillah. Have a few epics to write, one for later this month and another for Septemberish. InshaAllah, should be interesting ( : o