4.26.2026

an Ode for the Amalgamations of Resounding Grief

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ


some pain so deep, it slices through the skin as a knife, so that the wound can close fast and seem healed, while the cut itself gets kept far underneath. there is no microscope, no x-ray machine, to help identify the roots of agony, because for everyone else outside, the surface is all there is to see. in one of my beloved, i heard of such layers of Resounding Grief, that normal people would be made insane, and lose themselves in drugs or debauchery. but she yet lives, though burnt out as fire does a now-hollowed tree. i wish my words seemed not so cheap, to offer as salve upon the unfaded embers of sorrow, but there is one thing she must still know: through all the things she faces, she is not alone: Allah is her Maker, He Who brought her to her trials, and the One to see them overcome. among His slaves i stand, for my beacon Maahiyum, so her embers cool in gentle rain, becoming fertile soil from which beauty grows again. 

~

howsoever He permits, I'm good with iA. 


4.21.2026

Of Sailing and its Vistas

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ


Of all the conversations he had held with his Creator, perhaps his most anticipated were those he spent learning about the process of creation and the threads which connect energy and matter. This slave was not content with the first impressions of what favor his Maker had written, rather he sought from Him a path to unleash, steadily, an ability to paint canvases of reality in the same vein as writers use words in building their stories. 

To him, these were the moments, endless and infinitely at hand, that he could taste freedom in his soul as freely as he could conceive it in the mind. Its simplest description: an ideal made manifest and eternal. Alhamdulillah.

~

It was a small vessel, not unlike those made for rivers or oceans. Except in this case, they flowed past  stars and other heavenly objects, as if the universe itself was their pond and every sight within, made just to be taken in. 

He had spent a good amount of time planning this particular universe, it was less about people, most about beauty, of capturing the formation of galaxies and different stages of a cosmos. He knew some of the colors that would be coming, and every one was meant for her. She was nestled in his arms, perhaps the most content pair of spoons that ever shared closeness. He knew this scent, how he had come to know it after a lifetime of its absence. Those who never longed for such a thing, might never appreciate its presence. Indeed, his fingers knew who they touched, waiting as embers wish to become magma. As if prescient with his thought, she understood and two strings were plucked in concert. Ahead, there was a large planet whose star was changing phases. They came into its view just over the planet's far horizon as she raised her left thigh, a beloved's invitation, making space for him that he gratefully filled within. The distance between them now zero, this was true proximity, bathed by the glory and light of a star's cascading nova. It was then that their Rabb chose to dilate time, creating for them their own event horizon, simply so they could fuse the chain of breathless instances together into a single, gorgeous memory, ever able to be revisited. If it were just a matter of physics, one might say it was only atoms and neurotransmitters performing their directed function, but it was more. Some part of the equation was metaphysical, combining ideal and realization of pursuit with the rarest form of resonance...utterly whole acceptance coupled with eyes that in their mirrors, saw the best of themselves. 

There was always more to such as what he envisioned, what his future self experienced, but he had no need to write all the tales he planned to live, tales that began with their Creator as origin and objective. If he were made to live a thousand lifetimes, repeating endlessly that darkened decade of mine, where agony of absence and inability to fill the crater left, had to occur over and over again....in order for him to know her like this, he would. Truthfully, she was a reason for him to hold onto His rope, to keep close the Day of Reckoning, because passing through this was the only road that lead to his Creator rather than doom. It's why his choices were so easily chosen, if easy is a word to use for lifelong commitments and simple sacrifices. Their gravity was what mattered, in the scope of time beyond human counting, when our clocks and chips fade to dust, that accounting for deeds is what we will be called back to. 

Ya Rabb, I beg You to be pleased with me at my end, maybe at least so Firdaus ul 'Ala is her sanctuary and our freedom, and for my beloved ummati as well. ameen

4.17.2026

Ever Remembered

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ


~

did you think perchance your memory no longer persisted, that goals once sought had vanished into the ether, subsumed by the tide of time? no, alhamdulillah, it endures. so long as breath remains to be counted among the living, or even if gone and then joined those who learned with certainty the ultimate truth, this memory is its own ambition, seeking no faded relics of time long past...but chasing with arms outstretched the potential of Reunity and truths that this slave has begged his Creator to make eternal. 

~

i have never known sorrows like this, becoming witness to inhumanity and barbarism on a scale i did not think would ever exceed books of dystopian fiction or horror...but these times, they do. i wish just for peace, that all people's lives be counted the same in worth, that racism and tribalism not define the motives of those in power. but that is not what is left. it seems some are not content until the landscape of the earth is laid bare with ashes of those they've killed. oh Allah, forgive the oppressed, have rehmah on the fallen and those left behind...all i can do is to never forget those who suffer and keep their anguish close to me. if my Creator had not decreed the chest to keep its beating, i would drowned in tears long ago. if not over simpler pains like losing one's beloved, then to becoming such a witness of such an era. in this same post, i write in some parts of longing to meet again one i love, and in some parts i write of the pain of witnessing war and bloodshed. those who fell, they did not have time to lament love not near to them, their beloved were likely ripped from their arms or gone missing altogether. ah Rabb, what words are with me? "this is the decree of God, He does as He wills". 

~

3.21.2026

Of Eid and Fasting

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ


A slightly late Eid Mubarak!! to my beloved, it was pretty cool yesterday alhamdulillah. Wasn't sure what to expect, given how taxing Ramadan itself had been, but ultimately I could only conclude totally worth it all. 

Was considering some DM's to beloved, but thought better of doing so after seeing some beautiful Eid pics around, just want to capture those moments and hope they stay captured and preserved for them as much as possible iA. 

There is much I could say on the state of affairs in today's "post-truth" world...but I don't wish to speak so much on it. Suffice to say that I despise war and hate killing. I think this makes me by definition pacifist. I don't think so, but maybe. I also despise arrogance and bigotry and racism. Welp, there goes the full idealist. It shouldn't be any surprise the source of my misanthropy with life. Still, my beloved and kindred remain in my thoughts and duas and iA sooner than later help in material terms and spiritual terms will coalesce over the present reality. Qadr is among the heaviest and hardest of pills to swallow, especially when one's knowledge encompasses so little. But I do not own this world, nor am I its Creator. He Who created it, knows most well the course it is meant to take, for the paths ahead to pave as intended and every consequence to be wholly justified. May we be forgiven and find sakinah now and Then iA. 

1.23.2026

disillusion

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ


these days the disillusion only grows deeper, unable to bridge every gap between ideal and real, knowing the historical precedence of beautiful people of our past who lived as honest and earnest lives as slaves of their Maker could hoped to have led. 

but how to take their examples for our present? i see so many like demagogues, just repeating of historical actions as advice for those of the now, like the conditions or nature or challenges or absences or company is even remotely able to draw in parallels....it's not though, the differences are cataclysmically deep, and with the past few years....the facade of western gentile nobility has fallen away, to the most depraved submission to power as the standard to be respected. 

how can you dare imply that actions from millennia ago should or could be repeated in the same way, when the world around has only succeeded most in tearing down decency and revering wealth and its worldly manifestation? 

the disconnect is that i see people not making the case for the present, of how to transpose the character of the Companions into modern terms. To me, it is not a matter of should they be copied or not, it is about how would they act in our position? How would people of their ilk behave when faced with what we face? The world grows only more bestial, barbaric, worse than animal on a level that claws at my soul and gives me a sadness in depths i can't express. 

Simply stating their history is pointless, because i think the effort has to be understanding how they thought, how they felt, why they chose what they did. Knowing that, then we have to try and see what choices people such as they would make in our shoes. That is the essence of fiqh, trying to address individual and unique concerns of common folk so they can walk in a way closer to what they grasp as intended by their Creator. 

i don't know if i will ever be comfortable being around people in general ever again. there is no peace with them, forgive me ya Rabb. i suppose the nomad will live his days known only to a beloved few. i don't want to know anyone else, that part of me that turns away from humanity seems only to be getting stronger these days. alhamdulillah there is a saying  tho, about times near the last of days, where the confusion/corruption become so great and prevalent in society, it becomes preferable to seek isolation. well that is part of my nature anyhow lol. may my Rabb forgive me my distances from those whom i would love to meet.