بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

This life, a trek for the brokenhearted, a journey so long ago it started, couldn't tell you where the end is much less where the start was, wondering always how much farther, dragging the feet or dragging the soul it's the same for nobleman or pauper. There's no catastrophes swirling about, no imminent miseries, just the in-between solitudes, uncalled for and company-less commisseries, with but my Lord to witness over at times what's left in me: an empty tank when all is spilled and there's none near to receive. So strong the need to love, so suffocating when it cannot be given, like I'm drowning in midair, no CPR it seems, for this self-made victim. With the current one I'm speaking, have to wait until it's all ready, before I jump the cliff and hope there's land beneath my feet and I'm falling steady. Till then I'm held hostage, by what may come to pass or fade back in to dust, whence all we came, some sooner though than others. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Reflections on Al-Wadud, one of Allah's names

While listening to Br. Nouman's lecture on Surah Al-Buruj, the explanation of one particular word really got to me. In ayah 14, Allah describes Himself as 'Al-Wadud', the intensely loving/affectionate. The root of this name comes from the word "wudh", meaning to hold onto something and not let go of it, softly and gently keeping it held, a love that doesn't come to an end but it lasts and lasts, it never rusts, doesn't die out, holds with a great strength.

This concept is exactly how I have thought of love, the idea is so perfectly matched to my own conception, it's stunning. While I've heard the name before, studying its root opens this connection between one of Allah's most beautiful names and a deeply defining characteristic of my own nature. Like, that is what I long for, that is me! SubhanaAllah. Just another reminder I am from Him, His creation, but such a personal reminder it is. The resonance could not have been more perfect. May my Rabb make this a source of strength and mercy for all the rougher times in life, ameen. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Might be close now, this one, she could be as bright as the sun-, liquid -light condensed in its happy form. I haven't yet jumped off the cliff that invariably hangs in front of me. I've imagined it though, considered a bit of what it might feel like with this one. On the surface, it's not like any previous potential I've known, a number of logistical barriers exist, but she may be ready to jump too. Speaking of ready, am I? I, of all these human flaws, I, of he who leaps even after thinking? There seems more support in my corner than ever before, factors to balance the equation of my seeking with stability on the other side. Partly though, somewhere deep down, or perhaps it's just the whispers of shayateen doing their thing, but I hesitate slightly. My past loss and losses, of when the heart went forth, full capacity and then some, the resulting disillusion which took eons of non-linear time to get over (ie going in circles and circles, ages passing by in mere years of human time). That time of recession...I would never step backward into it ever again, had I the choice. So if backwards is no go, then forward is all that's left. There's no 'in the moment' for me, though I can move slowly enough that perhaps time can seem to stand still and I don't overjump the moment when it comes.

Does she know what she's in for? ... literally as I finish writing this question, a text arrives. It's her. Time zones apart, still it manages to find the right moment. My Rabb remains as He ever was and will be, the best of all planners. 

 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

With choice I would choose radiance and shine, becoming a beacon for Beacons on our way to the paramount and sublime. It's a given that this journey is a test, laden with mechanisms of pitfalls and regrets, but this life is not the place of our rest. My vision settles on Gardens and elevations, on brightness and bliss beyond calculation, on presenting the best of His gifts, exceeding all possible expectations. The road is rocky, not cold and sweet and delicious to eat, but thorny and paved with difficult choices where we give up our nafs to belief. I choose that which lasts, that which remains, that Place where all possibilities open up in spades. I choose that which brightens, that which glows, that which shines as hope upon everything we know. I choose that which glitters and is truly gold, that which embodies in essence every ideal imaginable in whole. I choose a road where she might be at its end, that I might show her bliss, and know for myself the truth of what Love is. 

Ya Rabb, make Jannah my abode, my serenity, my haven, my cave in the clouds with guests aplenty, make Firdaus my sanctuary, the candle to my flame, that it may keep lit for Ever the heart of this 'abd You have always owned, ameen. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

As the tests get stronger, as the slope gets steeper, as the absence grows longer, as the longing goes deeper, there's a rope to be held here, to not lose my mind for the thousandth time over. Tenuous as it seems, it's all that I have, this twine wound around my wrist, keeping me afloat, while underneath is where I so long to slip. I cannot, He will not let me cease, will not let the road end so soon, while there's something for Him I must be. my own purposes, they scatter so simply to the four winds, to the corners of earths and lesser whims, as seeds lost in the midst of a storm, while I know of no inside where the air is calm and still. I leave to Allah everything outside of my scope, and everything I think I can see, and everything there is in-between, as He alone carries all my hope. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Another possible avenue opens, but holds just as much certainty as the others. The past few months have been something I've never known before, getting to know others beginning at the surface, seeing potential blossom into something amazing, breathtaking. And then, when some of these connections broke apart, it was if there was no air left to breathe, no oxygen left in the lungs, a perpetuated state of cardiac imprisonment that I've been searching years to find one to free me from.

On this side of time, at this juncture, I am without my echo, my twin, my axis. SubhanaAllah. Each of these situations have reminded me what my road has to be, because it is who I am. I have to leave the resolution of these affairs with my Rabb, I can do no more for them than is decent, can express of myself no more than is moderate, can want for them no more than a moment's flash. Perhaps it is because I always try to see into the future, understand what might come to be, what the results of today might reap. It can be so utterly beautiful, yet I can share those insights and possibilities with none as yet.  

I still feel like I don't understand tawakkul at all. I thought I did at one point in time, until my being was eviscerated down to particles so fine I couldn't even describe myself as dust. After an experience (or two, or three) like that, one cannot fathom anything as grand as trust. At that level, the only state I can know is submission, in its most complete form. To think of 'trust' requires me to have an expectation or hope or knowledge of better vs worse, things I simply cannot imagine while my being is in that condition. All I can do to retain any molecular cohesion, to find any semblance of me being actual matter instead of drifting apart in space, is to acknowledge and retain the cognizance that Allah owns me, Allah owns my heart, Allah owns whatever it is I wished for. He owns all of this, and if He wills me to find pain, then that is what I will face. There is no begrudging His right over me as my Creator, no resentment in loss over something or someone, no bitterness or disillusion over something I wanted to call mine. Why? Because nothing is mine, it's all His. The slave has no argument to counter His Rabb, no words of dispute, nothing to resist what He wills. It is just only for a slave to say, "I submit" to His Creator. I don't know where ends such a road, if any mortal will join me for my journey to Him. But in the end, Allah is Whom I will find, and if this meager submission is sincere to Him, then a Day will come where all these worries scatter like wind, replaced by joys that only He can give.