بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Heading back across the pond to visit the Gift in a week or so iA, it's been some time since I've been able to feel that connection. As other difficulties and challenges pile up, I find myself dissipated, more of a shell than substance. Couldn't say if disappointment lies in wait or not, but gotta risk it nonetheless. 

Primarily my undercurrent these days is losing touch with Him and not really caring for it to be any different. Maybe it comes after being faced with a test, where the body fights itself, while trying to breathe it's as if death instead is being called, and it appeared that my present fate was undecided as to whether breathing is meant to keep one living or to bring one's demise. All I could ask for was clarity, for Him to not put me into a trial that had me in a state of ridiculously-inconceivable in-between. But He kept me in it for awhile, and I tried various meds and after various sleepless nights out of the past few weeks, the physical affliction seems to have ran its course (alh I suppose).

I haven't any gratitude for this. Even asking for life, most of that time felt like I wasn't living, and death was never granted, so aside from the pain of those moments, I have nothing for the experience except an ever-widening distance from my Maker. 

When one notices how often random little things go contrary to the self, through the course of a day, or week, (or lifetime), and adds them up...it's simply an immense amount of cynicism. So many paradoxes found, so many knife wounds dealt through the course of existence, the tally is such that I long for nothing except simply to survive the course. How will He plan the next challenge I face? Frankly cannot say I care. As it is, it would be semi-miraculous for me to pull through these intermediate states intact, and that probably is enough for keeping focus.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

subhaaaanaAllah, that is the most beautiful pic I've ever seen 😄

edit, 1/22/20: and to replace that with one of cutest pics ever? sigh, wish I was there to pinch her cheeks and give her a huge hug. just when I think I've understood the beauty of my beloved...smh....mA

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

if every step i take was just so that i could see your face (in Firdaus), it'd make me an angel without disguise, a mortal clothed as saint, but i'm human through and through so sin is part of my fate, sometimes i can go forward and sometimes back, some moments i can see Tomorrow but then eyes fail me and so i relapse. this is how He turned you into something for me to chase, that i have to struggle to find khair, even when my tank is empty and the canvas i try to paint on appears blank, like i'm stuck in some demon's lair. it's strange, i know the high road, have walked it on occasion, have breathed its rarefied air, and thought myself an old soul antiquated in a time he'd never belong in, living and breathing but somehow still finding dessication. heart's been relatively silent, nafs finds its presence easily enough as blood flows through oxygenation, but what of my soul? what can i speak of it? sometimes it's as if i lost it during some period of catharsis, when i wasn't looking i subconsciously let it go because i knew what life would put it through. alas, perhaps this is simply overstatement, not quite as bad as i make it, but i know your visage is something that i truly miss, even as every so often i remind myself why i chose this road, just to find you at its end, iA. my intermediate states don't really matter, those moments they'll scatter like the wind after the snow's finished falling, worries melt into what tomorrows hold as new problems or temporary respite. so long as you can smile and laugh in earnest, move through life knowing you're always loved, find time to pray and give back to charitable causes, be kind to your parents like you've always wanted, then Tomorrow becomes something that's essentially a promise, with just one Door between me and those arms I belong in.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

no Mirror, no reflection, absent I become from so much of what is brightness, wish I was a dolphin, echolocate your presence, even if eyes were closed, I’d know precisely where and how your heart was beating. I know the importance of silence, a modicum of distance, thus able to keep focus, and not lose sight of the road in the bigger picture. you’ve always been wiser than you know, understanding to complement the beauty, little things kept notice, for in them happiness distilled from memory. Sometimes I try to build on this, paint scenes from places of Then, but so much remains a blank slate, for I can’t quite see past the moment when we've embraced. You've always been the ink of my brush, my Muse, my Moon, glowing as bright as her truth, given life to color with that first touch, a meeting of mirrors where I get to show you Love, iA. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

so for the past few days, maybe most of the week, often times when I'm driving home, or otherwise walking unoccupied, simple stray thoughts came to mind, like a litter of cats looking for refuge, from the deluge outside.

most of these, I simply echo their meows, but I don't write down what was said, leaving their meaning to float into the wind, free like the moment they arrived. a few were conversations with Him, things that could not be repeated, my commentary on the irony, so often it's present, my finger on its throat makes it palpable, yet no easier the breathing. 

like an audio record without inscription, a vase without flowers, a galaxy without planets, a kettle without water, an earth without core,  a hurricane without eye, all of these in essence a traveler with a destination he cannot find. limbs moving but the soul is obliterated, heart emaciated, skeleton is clothed but the flesh bearing marks of everything his inner is absent from. I know He may choose to cover me with everything from this life, but that won't make any less than the choice that is mine, seeking beyond these limits at the end of my time, that one Moon to complete what is the puzzle, so one might at last be near to that which shines.

 

Endlessly

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

gotta say alhamdulillah, even if it hurts, no other way to find the silver lining, and unzip it slowly to see what's behind the curtain, perhaps something to caress, and kiss starting with the surface: in this meshes a need from now with a Future unmet. wish i could delineate all the possibilities, or even a fraction, expressions of love manifested in a pair who waited a lifetime for an Eternity of having. no barriers, no distance, no gravity to hold our feet down, unless we so willed it, imagine those wings, the sky at our fingertips, for those who chose forever, these would be just the start of His gifts. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Alhamdulillah, got an extra hour (woot) and figured out part of my Python assignment. Life progressions coming even despite some wavering of the self. Something that's been on the mind on/off lately about my connection to my Rabb:

When I'm nearer to Him, I can't imagine ever being distant. When I'm farther away, I feel I can't sustain ever being near again.

Being close, comes with the knowledge of having one's needs taken care of, being able to appreciate that which one does not have, of being grateful daily, of knowing my Guardian has final sway over all matters.

Being apart, it is as if I am the only person in the human race who is adrift on an ocean I could never control, whether it be the heart, or the external tumult of life that tries to impose itself.

The price of nearness is not something that can be understated. Wanting to stick with one's Rabb, in contrast to every other force in life that's either trying to delude or grab attention, is not an easy pill. Interestingly, though I've thought I would swallow it, the self still rebels at times and all that's left is the skeletal phenomenon where bodily movement of living and worship happens, without an anchor into the meaning and need for such things. 

Ultimately though, if a person can see their blessings, there's nothing quite like this connection to Allah. Rabb is gonna be Rabb, at the start of the day and its end, through darknesses and light, He's the first one to seek.