Picturesque

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

wow..subhanAllah...that sky, that scenery, utterly gorgeous. 

the setting reminds me a bit of something from last September, a reply to a piece about feeling like you'd passed through an area without having left any mark. i dunno about that, because if i had to guess, i see myself as these trees, simple pure natural shades of fall and greenery - able to be so primarily because their sky (you) gave its rain and decided to be so fulfilling and beautiful. which leaf wouldn't love to be underneath such a canopy? 

not to mention, seeing this made me happy. lol, granted, anything remotely from the same time zone as yours could have the same effect, but there's a certain undertone that isn't lost on me. maybe i'm just predisposed to connecting a lot of dots, but really, every connection my neurons make is already shaded to some degree by the Moon and that which brings people together. that's pretty special to have, at any time in life, alhamdulillah.

edit: link updated, pointed to wrong post xd 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

how i love the clouds and the rain, even if it's gray, love it too when the sun's out and shining, turning brightness into something tangible, open and abiding, at least for that moment. my journey through this life is like the trek of the seasons, across the surface of the earth, whether over sand or desert or ocean, it leaves its imprints on my being, this passage of time and all it beckons and denies of needs and whims, sometimes feeling lost, at others a bit frozen, echoes of beauty reach me like fall with its leaves, such color and change, trying to remind that nothing stays quite the same, but here i am, to such laws of nature a walking contradiction, though remaining not static, i try preserving what's 'me' through all the thick and thin. love and you, an effortless combination, as yet a pair only imagined of time in which i can hold them, this road it has its mimicry and attempts at simulation, but i wouldn't compare them with an ideal manifested long before reality could try its fangs at setting in. 

i oft speak of prices and whom must them be giving, namely myself, thinking a foregone conclusion that i would pay them, whether or not i was able, even if such cost would steal sanity and empty pockets of everything except that which puts some in asylums. will my strength suffice? could i again survive, the epochs of apartness, filling the distance between you and i? am i able to give to my Gift, for so long as i live, regardless if nothing of compare i find? questions i cannot answer, residing somewhere in the mind, these neighbors mine, as part of faith it's said, to be towards such at least as kind. 

i have not spoken of my Rabb, have not yet here sought His aid, it's been some time, since disillusion struck, and from Him i felt parted a bit of ways.  as i am now is scarce a shell, to what "i" can truly hold, so much i know is there to be felt, when one has cause for feeling whole. i also know, He will test my belief, that it will be more than a thing simply said, that somehow action must follow words, or have proven hollow all that is my being. for now, i endure the absence, stroll alongside this worldly path and its worldly essence, working and reading, forging an image of a body complete with flesh and bone, but of its inner few can tell how shallow rings its meaning. 

Lighthouse

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

no way I could miss the lighthouse by the sea, unintended or skillfully planned, still it's the spark to remind me of what I am, and what it is I seek. last night, had this amazing dream, in a room at the top floor of my old house, we're in each other's arms, a sense of "finally!" going through our veins, buzzing in the air, some of our closest friends are nearby, surprised and smiling, seeing something I bet they never saw coming. this life isn't even my prologue, much less my opening chapter, I swear by my Maker, if He gives me His blessing, and opens the door of my own Theater, I'll show you what you've always loved but never imagined, fill your heart till it reaches the size of the heavens, kiss your lips until red seems the color they were born as, and take your breath away until all we can feel is one another, effortlessly floating, around the corner to our next chapter, waiting. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

wish i had thoughts worthy of being read, worthy of your eyes, and something not quite as empty occupied this space, so something brighter could ease your mind. can't tell how many ribbons this life will cut me into, even as days appear on the surface not so bad, the apartness is a silent blade, long spinning inside, the pieces i'm into, numerous, uncountable, like all the salt in an ocean, dissolved and with blood mixed in, nearly to the point fate intends that to be my solution. happiness escapes my clutches like a bird's broken wing prevents its flight from predators and dangers, on one hand is the lure of the devil, waiting to tear down my shell, and lately on the other, simply quiet or sleep. Rabb, would You not simply permit the bird to fly? fix it's way or let it glide, maybe give it a gust of wind so all its worry may be left behind?

there's something hopeful somewhere, reasons for gratitude and shukr, but me too blind to see or dense to hear. the ironies of what qadr demands of me, the strangest, strongest weights i've ever known, only growing heavier with time, and what of i? these joints, these knees, these shoulders and muscles in between, won't grow stronger as i age, so seems the earth is rushing towards me faster than i'll lift from it, pulling me sooner than later to peace. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

not all the birdies left, there is one that stayed, a cardinal so regal and red, imagine that, one bird overcomes the absence of all the rest. 

that which is Owned

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

not much for me to say, His are the clouds, the rain, whether or not i subsist, or simply evaporate. He may take away from my conception, every notion i've ever had of family or friends, trifle disappointments snowballing into an avalanche of agonizing ignorance. i did not think, He would do such a thing, but it's like i'm unknown even to my closest of kin, even after decades plus, like no connection of mine, safe from decay or mistaken trust. Rabb, what would you have of me? these states in times of late, withered tree without what it sustains, nothing for me to give, except if You wish my flesh and bones still, to move in form of worship. i have conceived in the mind things i dare not speak, anguished, petulant, aggrieved, looking for the closest cliff, but holding back because You own my every thing. i could say that You took away my heart, not once but twice (or thrice, who keeps count?), ripped straight from the cavity, reminding me what i miss, but keeping it an orbit's length away from me. i could say that i am one most betrayed, disillusioned by every one of life's illusion, promising it holds what i seek but when i get close, it fades before my hands can grasp what i need. in times past would i close all doors, strain all ties, stay from life, apart and deprived, but i cannot...obligation and responsibilities, a pillar of form absent essence in moments like these, this skeleton will keep on its moving, on and on, until it finds its peace.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

sometimes just have to write, maybe a sunset or sunrise, pick a picture, let the brush find its canvas, bring out what's inside. every epic needs an aim, a maiden or madness, maybe both, to fuel the destiny of a planet so its Moon stays perfect in orbit, until their End arrives, to make whole those who walked through cataclysm. the unknowns i face, for love, for everything worthy of chase, worth the blood it lets, worth the lifetime of wait, without guarantees, His is the game, me simply a piece, like any king on a board, looking for the mate to call my Queen.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Sometimes it's nice to think of isolating one's pain from others, in thinking perhaps they'll be spared the same feeling. I don't know if that's how real life ever works though. Since the fam went overseas, much of the past few weeks has become something I could never relate, something I've kept to myself.

Regardless, it seems the only choice my Rabb gave me is to continue going, keep breathing, not let up each and every day. At other times I would think of how to be a beacon, and then the curiosity strikes where I realize that light itself is farthest from me, with little for me to reflect. This is not entirely a darkness, but more of a prolonged absence, which eventually may as well be thought of in the same way I suppose. Work is work, classes resume in a few weeks, and love...is thousands of miles away, in one direction or another..