- in the name of Allah -

Due to popular demand, I have decided to give in to my adoring fans and furnish their otherwise rudimentary lives with a spectacular post from none other than..myself. I hope this will satisfy them, at least until I post again. :-d

Ah, such superb self-inflation of one's ego, done nigh effortlessly with a touch of sarcastic irony to brighten what ordinarily might have been ordinary..

Anyways, on to more serious things. Yesterday I had what was arguably the worst migraine ever. With pounding ferocity it clouded the mind and pushed out any and every other thought I tried to formulate. Naturally, I began internally debating the merits of life and death and how sleep was the tantalizing alternative of in-between that any insane insomniac would kill for. It was ironic then, after knowing a certain friend who exclaimed on their blog to possess an "affinity for Tylenol PM", I would decide to try a few for myself.

Alh, I managed to find some restful sleep and temperance for the incessant throb in the back of my head. Of course, none of this could possibly have happened without me trying to analyze for what fateful purpose I was to be graced with an exacerbating migraine.

Why is it usually that we are tried as human beings, as Muslims? Is it because of something we have or haven't done, or is it a random occurrence that cannot be explained but only endured? I venture to guess it is a mix of the two, mainly because as human beings our knowledge of what happens is so limited by our physical senses, and that it may well be simply a test to gauge our patience. Whatever the reality of it might be, I know that therein was a certain lesson, a certain flavor to be derived, that when mixed in the right doses with life, can prove an antidote for those most inescapable moments where, in an infitesimal minute, life tangoes with death and the value of one versus the other is determined.


- in the name of Allah -

Here I am, back again, to continue the semi-chronicle of something I can only describe as fated and inevitable. At times, we can see the blessings rain down on us from the sky, and the obvious moment for us to express our gratefulness to our Sustainer dawns on us. What about the times when such blessings are not so apparent? Would we resolve ourselves to a pit of self-created exile from the very force which we, cognizantly or not, need most?

I've always, throughout most of my adult life, held firmly to the notion that I am blessed, blessed in knowing so many likable people, so many personable people, blessed in knowing that every day I have ever lived has served a particular purpose, whether it was evident in its moment or posthumously, it was there to be a reminder, to bring me on course in a journey that dawns on me as clearly now as a morning sunrise. My end, my real goal, my real desire, is something of an egg, an egg that grew with the care of adolescent idealism, an egg that hatched from the realization of purpose that is timeless. This egg, if it is to bloom, would show me nothing but my window to paradise, the only real window I've ever wanted. In it, is a place that finally matches the freedom-seeking nature of my soul with the capability and actuality of attaining that freedom. I can be free there, find my better half well acquainted, and come to know what I knew all along, alh.

I don't need to necessarily forgo the pleasures of this life, but I will, for all but the most basic I need for survival. There are greater things, greater objectives to be held up by the glorious light emanating from my Lord, than mediocre desires rooted in a world of temporal limitation. ....yeah, I know, keep it simple, but let's not forget I'm not yet married...lol ^_*


- in the name of Allah -

Without a doubt these are strange times. Then again, there isn't a moment in my life that I can recall as being completely normal. Who cares, normal is for the ordinary, and that, whether for better or worse, is something I have never considered myself as.

I don't think I've ever known a clarity so clear as this. What exactly do I see, when my mind is not hindered by cloudy visions? My purpose forms to me, slowly, with little shape at first, but then I know what it is exactly that I must become. What is this epiphany, this realization of the end of one's existential crisis? It is that, no matter what may happen, no matter the love I may lose or the pleasure I may gain, I will always end up back to knowing my Creator. What brings me to Him? What is this propellant force that guides me along my sine-wave of a life? I am not entirely sure, but it is belief. Some how, some way, my belief has carried me throughout my life, and at no time has this been clearer than now. The root causes of ungratefulness, of disbelief, of hypocrisy, of malice, all seem so clear to me, and thankfully, so minute. It's as if for the first time in a long time, I can recall having conquered a demon in my soul that leapt at every chance it could get. There's a certain peace in giving up something of one's wants. I would say "giving up one's wants", but I do not deny that I am created human, and that I will desire regardless of whether or not I wish to control it. What I do with it, however, is something I have some measure of say-so in.

Particularly, it is giving up of people, specifically some women, that I have come to know over the passage of time. Some have been married, some have moved away, others pursue their dreams of making a better life for themselves and their families. I find that often my dreams of knowing them and being with them end up conflicting with their own. How so? It is because through knowing me, through truly understanding who I am, one cannot but be changed through it, and affect change in myself, howsoever slight it may be for them or I. Were they to fit into my plans, their own would change, and what they had held dear, would no longer be of use to them. Am I saying that I require deep sacrifice from the one I would marry? Of course not. I just carry the burden of truth, of knowing what my Rabb demands of me, and I do not attempt to make excuses why I do not or cannot follow His commands. I try; if I fail, then I simply repent and continue forward. There is no other path for me to take. Long ago I decided that a life of eternity and everlasting awesomeness was preferable to a short gain or short pleasure; why love for a few years, when you can love forever?

Such simple words, such dramatic meaning..


- in the name of Allah -

This time, among others I have known, is like a window to my inside. Who will I become in the day ahead? Will I keep of me everything that already has been, or will I say "f___ it" and take a path never pondered, a path only mired in dread? In my vacation from my self, I've learned that we need to be who we are, but sometimes, an escape is necessary. Just be no one, someone else, something else, somewhere else, sometime gone or sometime not yet here. Everything but who we are supposed to be when we are supposed to be it.

Back on topic, I guess I'll get back on the road that I was on not 24 hours earlier.[interjection>>>] My God, how pervasive the human need for a companion is. It is just so...everywhere, all the time. It takes no break, even in silent peace, it's an undercurrent whose constant threat of drowning lurks just around the corner.

Pretty common themes throughout this blog, don't you think? O_O


- in the name of Allah -

Often times it is that the things we want most are the very things we may never have. These things become for us the very trials that test us, that decide our mettle, that peruse our souls and see if indeed there is anything worthwhile inside.

I have a fallibility, among many others. I possess a heart which seeks attachment in ways so subtle, so intrinsic, that it gravitates towards certain places and certain people...without the benefit of cognizance. Leading my self astray...unknowingly. That is probably the scariest notion I've ever encountered. Yet, now that I am aware, the constant struggle of choices, of refrains, of proposes, does not do much to help the situation. I have to retain my self, my imaan, the core of my being that is presently being battered on a relatively daily basis. I quite easily realize why they say one should be married early. Granted, I'm still in my early 20's, but it would be better were it sooner than later. Moreso for my own nafs' and deen's sake than anything else. The issue isn't as simple or cut-and-dry as avoiding temptations. It isn't that. The problem is that there is a function of my soul, of my heart (and mind, to a lesser extent), that seeks out connections with people, typically female as they are easier to befriend (depending on circumstances). Not only does it seek this subconsciously, but it develops a bond with and supports this bond with rationalizations that stretch so far internally and externally, you would think I almost have a good reason for going down the wrong path. Shaitan loves to make the right path appear difficult, and the wrong path appear glittered in goodness and desirability. The problem that compounds this is that my soul does this unwittingly, without requiring a nudge, through only the simple fact that I need to be with someone I care about. Whether it just be with my crew, hanging out, or having a one-on-one with some woman I've come to know through necessary means (school), it is truly a compromising situation. Some of the things I've faced, I couldn't have imagined until they happened, and then I wonder to myself just how great a fitnah can truly be. I just ask Allah to guide me through it, to keep my heart intact for the one I marry, and to grant me the best of imaan on my deathbed; ameen ya Rabbal-'aalamin.