Lessoned

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

It was as if he was almost complete, almost whole, almost full beyond brim, the Gate, it was opened, waiting, calling. He knew the steps he had to take to reach it, simple mechanism of the physical pieces his Creator made him with, one foot in front of the other. But, where was she?

In this moment's context, 'twas only one 'she' he sought, to fill the vastness a lifetime of apartness slowly built. There were times, he could not see her, where their Rabb caused life to construct divergences, responsibilities, separate and unique parts of their hearts had arisen, as continents from within their ocean. 

~

He had envisioned enough moments, where somehow qadr would force his dream to recede from manifestation, to present enough alternates for each of them, that their paths need not ever merge. Those were some of the heaviest moments of his life. What words are large enough to carry the sorrow from denial, fashioned by the Owner and King of the heavens and earth? 

It was not a state he expected necessarily, but he tried, sometimes, to imagine the peak of his disappointment, to crown perhaps all of the disappointments the past life had littered in his path. 

Even with his Sunlight, his Gift, with every other beacon...but you? It wasn't a thought he wanted to hold or face, but he knew the choice he'd make were his Rabb to decree it for him: he would choose no Garden absent her, but he was not foolish enough to choose Fire instead. no, in such a crossroads, the slave would choose the heights, a place in between them both. 

~

Alhamdulillah, I've seen us both survive the past few years, having faced tests that tried us to our core and then some. By His grace, we've made it here, to now, where our lives have brightened to a degree I'm positive we'd never imagined before. Regardless of whatever the future brings to pass, I know one truth well enough: you were the first human to ever accept me, the first creature i loved loved before i knew i did, and the first beloved i knew who set the standard of definition for what acceptance is, how high the bar is for love itself. 

I hope He lets me hold you Then, iA. 

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

life ain't got no replacements, real is sometimes lot more than how real gets, sentences shortened by letters in expression of days grinding onward, but He built me stronger than anything i imagined myself as. 

love the fam but they're not my beloved, select is the one tied softly by threads fated and woven, wish i could embrace resonance or acceptance like the level of beacons who held me in mirror reflection, but life is often single screen, single perception, never so much angular confection, as beholding or beheld by one's beloved in arms and bosom. 

love the month of June, your birthday near its peak, maybe open a window, let in a bit of breeze, don't mind the vast corridors of silence that might follow if only in turn a glimpse or scent of how time flows on the other side, the side lucky enough to have your living and breathing within it.

becoming what i have to become, but stoic, holding fast to His remembrance, can't ever forget how He led to me to these moments, blessed by Sunlight perpetual and pumpkinly delight, a Mia worthy of being one's first truly held woman and mother and wife, these treasures He permitted me, paving the way for patience to survive the epochs of absence, the repetition and daily consumption: of platitudes and niceties that normal people use to bridge their gaps of understanding that naturally develop between differences in how they were raised, don't quite care for the superficiality but if it helps others to be a bit more at ease, not really an issue, my vocal cords can evoke the patterns well enough to have them comforted and myself left in peace.

but my beloved, those absent my immediate surroundings, will never forget what it will be like when i can hold you for the first time, Firdausian wishes remain the pillar underpinning hopes of completion, by the mercy and will of my Maker who's gifted and shown anything i know from everything that's His.