- in the name of Allah -

what happens to faint hopes when the sun sets? when dreams devolve into bees without stingers or a place to nest? skies still hold marvels as stars twinkle and sparkle, but my own horizons fade into the blackness, as dawns without light or summers without sweat. the void's been calling, beckoning in ways I'd never suspect, as meaning and worth crumble into dust or earth, too shallow for roots and only fit to be usurped. I wish often these nights that I might act as most people do, how they can walk despite their own insignificance, blind or uncaring of personal ignorance. they've said over and over, various factions that is, that simply one must 'do' in order for the fruit to be brought through, but from where forms their ambitions? what places of delusion shatter their inhibitions, turning them from demons into self-empowering prisons? maybe I'm caught in a stream of self-loathing, lacking in confidence where it should be something I'm owning, but seeing just a speck of the world's imperfections mirrors in me my own recession. a stream now overflows with perception, close to drowning in things unsolved and corruptions escaping correction; where's the lever for this dam to let loose these thoughts, so they might find their haven in some poor wretch who couldn't deserve what he'd sought? if only the whims of life stopped with mine, it remains that singular deeds, both good and evil, can wreck lifetimes made towards opposite designs. actions full to the brim with unknowable consequence, presumed good or at least innocent, but doomed to not knowing its wisdom and thus dissolved utterly in certainty's ignorance. this puzzle, these mazes, replete with U-turn signs and arrows describing progressive phases, seem to serve only as rhetorical punishment for dreams undeserved. when did life become for me so gray and bleak as to muzzle hopes and dreams, coloring them only as rewards for those who challenge and achieve? so what then of the meek, if I'd sought to be counted amongst these darkened sheep? need I symbols of position and power, wealth and status, to find myself not counted with those who's cause is seen as hapless? can I only become what all expect, enabled only thus to life this burden from my chest? so it is that thoughts wrap themselves up, as serpents upon prey, knowing its weakness but still giving chase if only for a sense of play. onward, to the belly of the beast! either to slay or be slain, to give or become, one final, wholesome feast.


- in the name of Allah -

And slowly, almost without notice, another year has passed and I supposed to be one year wiser, one year smarter, one year closer to deciphering my presence on this earth. Hmm, if only such riddles were easily solved..


It is amazing to me how quickly some bonds must be broken, even after they took years and numerous struggles to create and sustain. There was such a bond of mine, of a friend I had known very well for almost 5 years now. Neither of us were overly social, but we found friendship through common interests (TV shows, movies, etc), and being of the same religious background, it wasn't difficult to forge something of brotherhood. I valued it for many reasons, mainly because I saw him as one stronger than I in faith, and one who's company would bring benefit in addition to our already common interests. Were it possible to sustain that brotherhood while still unscathed, I would definitely done so. 

To be clear, his nature was completely opposite to mine. I valued emotion and imagination greatly, reaching subconsciously for freedom all the time; conversely, he was a staunch fixture of logic and utter detachment from emotion, in both its valuing and expression. It was amusing to me, then, to hear him describe me 100% matter-of-factly as someone devoid of ambition (of the worldly kind, I would say) and thus impossible to have motivation, but himself as one of ambition but no motivation to reach those ambitions. His caricature became clear to me at this moment: having known me so well, he felt he could so easily and quickly, offhandedly and without reservation, describe me in a few words that immediately pronounced sentence upon my being and would judge me, comparatively, as an aimless amoeba to his being a ship without sail. Obviously, a ship is far more along the evolutionary ladder than an amoeba, poor single-celled organism that it is. But, I did not mind that labeling so much as it was a sense of disdain from him, that he could not respect my lack of worldly grounding, my desire to rebel against society/culture that compelled me to not bend over backwards fulfilling the prescribed outline written by others of how I should live and to what things I should aspire (marriage being one). This person, whom I had respected (sometimes tried to, as it was not a perfect thing), had pigeonholed me, discussed me to others in a way I never would have of him, a manner almost rude though certainly disapproving. I tried to let the issue drop, but it festered in my conscious mind. The pattern of some of the arguments we'd had over the years came to fresh memory, and it was something I knew quite familiar: he had always spoken in a way without emotional/considerable regard for others, so much approaching arrogance in its "I believe I am correct because there is nothing there for me to possibly misunderstand" attitude. He would stick to paths and ideas of his own choosing, even when shown clearly that they were not the best or most ideal, a stubbornness born from something I could not understand, as later his mind would eventually change and he would agree the other way was better. Why should one carry this brazen, proud flag of one's own self, as if it were an indefatigable champion of logical matter-of-factness? People can never be so perfect..

Alhamdulillah, despite the troubles one has with or from friends, there is always a recourse. Family consists of such bonds that cannot be broken, even if they are dismissed, blood cannot be changed or erased. Though it might be harder to sustain them, due to proximity and general familiarity (presumably breeding frustration and contempt faster than any other kind of bond), once a person realizes that these bonds can be relied upon, everything else, the botheration and annoyance, becomes miniscule in comparison. Family is family, and will always remain so in spite and despite everything. And eventually, whether they like to or not, they are where home is, the last refuge from the entropy of everyone else.