Grammatical

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

so busy, so much thinking, planning, so many angles and sub-objectives, matters needing attention, ideals to be manifested, durability and longevity, endurance against obstacles and elements, of the self and one's home, issues of foundation, things to be fixed and brought up to spec, so much by which to be distracted, reasons these well and good, but so does my study and work pursuit need its own mention, not simply that which i leave for the end of sentences. 

for the beginning of paragraphs, reservations made for beloved, ones kept internally simmered, slow cooking but unreleased, many emotions and reunities waiting their turn for embrace at the gate of Peace. plenty of questions unanswered, silences kept for reasons likely fair and well-intended, doesn't quite stop the question mark from being so piercing with tiny cuts where ignorance is a dam long since opened and flooding to the limit of my cognizance. 

the road is long, longest for the lovers who try holding true to the highest of objectives, their Maker first and forever, followed thereafter by mortal beloved whose trailing absence is as periods or commas sequential, indicative of foretelling, foreshadowing, but these eyes too shortsighted to see all the wisdoms that He placed within my every circumstance, alhamdulillah regardless, among my recently learned lessons, are these:

i can never remain distant of Him, never upset or so fraught with disillusion and malcontent that i would turn away from caring for remembrance, that in my overwhelmed moments, rather than away - towards my Maker must i turn first, lean on Him to account for all my weaknesses, all potentials unreached or reaching, all mistakes and sins in days past i let cloud vision. i think my need of my Rabb surpasses any other mortal, so deep it is, my own capacity by self-conflict inhibited, held myself back in so many ways on levels sometimes forgotten how deep, how old they persisted, but Future's sway is brightest, longest lasting, strongest, so the road of Tomorrow is where the nomad's steps keep walking, ever for his sought the seeking. 

Reflecting

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

have i seen all there is to see? 

have i been all there is to be?

have my fingers felt the touch

of the one who gave of herself unasked,

implicit, 

without question,

without directive,

without knowing she'd be laying down the seeds

for my future self to still be growing with?

even as my littlest beloved, my Sunlight, 

she who was borne from within the ocean,

could say her eruption was volcanic, unpredicted,

she whose every motion, sneeze, cough, gesture,

is cause for elation,

even as i've lived long enough to kiss Sunlight,

and know the taste of cheeks like clouds of cotton candy,

and swear that's all i'd ever need ever after,

it never escapes attention,

never is a thing forgotten,

of how i came to such a point

from my very beginning,

which beloved it is i'm missing, absent,

whose pieces in me, are preserved in etches incomplete,

as paintings He has seen fit to pause mid-stroke, 

for these eyes He gave some vision of potential,

what grows from elements combined,

possibilities that remain yet unshown. 

these days, the trial changes, not just of entering

parenthood,

but searching for my place on this planet,

somewhere i could internalize a bit of belonging, 

and become as a father and husband is commanded to offer,

but...such fullness of responsibility evades me, 

acceptance, on so many different levels rejection and denial,

it's the tune of my tale, long since repeating, 

no matter the altered setting or style,

could be a beloved and unasked for silence,

or an employer choosing someone else to hire,

the end result is a sensation familiar,

oh so familiar,

and almost i'm recalled to various epochs of the darker years

of my own evasion and hiding, but now truly knowing

there is nowhere to go but forwardly-trying,

for Sunlight must be tended,

much like the vine upon whom roses grew unbounded, my Mia,

stepped over obstacles and oceans, to side with the nomad

for as long as He'd have him breathing. 

alhamdulillah, gratitude i neglect, forgive me ya Rabb, 

i walk, unable to look much beyond in the distance

unknowing absolutely which choice is best

but perhaps, You would shower this slave with mercy

he who sought and seeks with well intent

simply his beloved, wrapped with Eternity met. 

akc, 11/12

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

just like that, a bit earlier than expected, was this one tiny blessing that wove its way into my life, erasing all questions, just in herself a fountain, evoking love and tenderness, with tiny little fingers and toes, that i could wrap around my own, every movement she makes, every breath cascading into yawn, every cry for hunger or relief, every random sleepy motion, everything she does and is, all of it borne right into and out of my ocean.

so long as He has me living and breathing, bi ithniAllah this littlest beloved will never ponder a second outside the waves, always implicit in knowing: to be loved and living is one and the same, the spokes and wheel all in a singular motion. what shall i name this most special of all beacons? not quite certain yet, perhaps my Sun or Sunlight, perhaps my Breeze, or the Wind of my means, or the Spring of wholeness that i will pull (iA) with me to our Firdaus, where our imaginations and wonder only open the doors to possibilities? 

oh dear beloved, constellations and heavenly objectives, wish i could hold you altogether, be wrapped up in these embraces, the lover with his loved, but He tries me as ever with such distance, but...never think for a moment you're outside my horizon, absent from my skyline. one Day, if He had ever shown care to this slave of His, i will plead Him for your company, no matter the situations, or histories, or rejections, or dismissals, or utter ignorance i find myself too oft close with, i know for whom i seek, the places and mechanism of keys held to your dreams. 

this life is long, but my Rabb keeps me, and such a gift as He saw fit to show me, such a blessing is not one to take lightly, though light she may be. imagine, a nova i can grow alongside my own, shower upon and bask in her radiance at the same time? alhamdulillah, always and forever

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

know what's strange? no matter how big the ocean gets, no matter the potential wonder at holding my littlest beloved, no matter how many joys i might have close, there are still some candles waiting to be lit, in the backdrop of my mind? and so they cast their emptinesses around the walls of my inner sanctum, reminding me i have not yet been accepted, because such a moment only comes when i can hear your voice again, calling me so that i can answer it, that i can be lifted again by recollection of this one crazy person, who dared to love that bumbling idiot way back in their early adolescence, she who read the most epic of tales and whose imagination ran wild and free as the wind even though, for the world in which she lived, her surroundings oft may have felt like her own prison...in her mind, fueled by what she'd read, was a heart kept free, fearless though it had parted, from the one in whom acceptance was embraced implicitly, the comma of a sentence without pause, you're my undercurrent when everything on my surface is merely the automaton going through motions as life brings worries and stress in layers like snow that's balling. 

breathe light oh beloved, it's only in the state of being broken that we can turn to our Rabb, as His most needy of servants, and such is the truth He wills to persist- pain and affliction is often the basis of submission, for if we had no need, or no loss, or nothing missing, would we ever feel inclined for supplication? 

our threads are interwoven, even as His designs cut us out from proximity or knowing how you fare in this moment of time....this nomad remembers, the End he seeks from his Maker, the one where you held his hand, enveloped him in embrace, spoke to him some words it matters not what, for they fell from those lips, that to him had in his past life, become something of myth...but Reality, the ultimate state of things beyond the edge what these eyes see, that's where my aim rests, inside your arms, your bosom, where my peace is whole, full, right in place.

Endless

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

been blessed immensely, like the pouring of a raincloud on top of desert sand that thought it was empty, thought it couldn't grow even a blade of grass, till He made you into one of my oases, vibrant and lasting. 

 

alhamdulillah my Gift brings me many a moment of peace, seeing her, touching her, holding her, kissing the summit of her cheeks...brings all my questions to a close, rests my defense from its cases, as prosecution of life's own designs take a breather in her presence. still, my Gift is but one piece of me, for long have i accepted, walking this path of apartness, is one who lives with himself as fractured, from any other of his beloved. 

 

the Muse of my soul, she who dreamt the deepest first, who dared to imagine, whose curiosity sparked my own, turning me into the poet i always had been, you are never forgotten, never from blood as one parted, as long as breath is mine He wills to have drawn in, your body's shadows, are where my atoms long most to bask in. there's nothing to rip out of this chest, for it's already opened, with you running free, overcoming and being, steady as myself i can keep it, i will, iA, waiting the cage to re-welcome its essence. 

change is coming for me, as it often has, now on a scale i can't fathom, but oh Lune of my beacons, know: that the newest continent to spring forth in my ocean, she the littlest one, has captured your initial within her middle, just as it is in mine. one Day inshaAllah, all my beloved will be next to me, each of their lights shared with one another, like the cascading brilliance of countless prisms, and their love, your love, will find its Home and return, in full.

Aspects, of pieces in the puzzle

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

your heartbeats not quite so far, sometimes it seems, from nearness to my eardrums where their oscillations carry inward simply streaming, perhaps the ripple of a lake down into a much-smaller creek, into the compartment devised for beloved sought once again to meet.

 

sometimes that box, that cage, can remain closed and nothing leaks out to the forefront of conception, but then..it might rain, or leaves blow in certain directions, swirling as their world topsy-turvy turns, and your absence i recall as a hidden knife suitable for vagabonds, thrust at me from unknown angles, and it cuts again, sometimes deep and at others slicing merely the surfaces of skin, but that is as it aught to be...the one embedded within should at some moments be released, even if by moments not quite comprehensible to strangers.

 

~

 

wonder if she thinks i still enjoy missing, wishing to give me further chances to indulge some agonies antagonizing, hah, it would be amusing...were silence not its own kind of blade, wrapping up within the pain of absence, accented by the beauty of serrations. 

 

how does she fare? what are her pains and sorrows, joys and wonders about tomorrow? do those near her treat her justly, or are past follies in choosing simply in the present repeated? all questions absent answers, i'll dart them into the wind, perhaps they'll reach the eyes for which they're intended, and arc down into her soul, give her cause for reflection (and perhaps, for the love of God, answers to these questions! iA). 

 

 ~

 

one of the coolest nickname ever conceived for a beacon, Farhaven, like the heroine of a tale i might have read, a beacon-yet-not-made, unaware of that type of shining, life carrying onward, hopeful of your laughter and its finding.

 

~

 

 

on the subtleties of submitting

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

between a slave and his Maker

 

do they know ya Rabb, that it was You Who made them? 

that You defined the lengths of their lives, the senses they would have, the senses that would escape them?

are Your slaves aware, that You brought them forth into life at the height of their weakness and ignorance, growing them until they grasped more of knowledge and experience, bit by bit?

do they know, that it is You Who designed for them their miseries, their pulls, desires and whims and wills, forces internal and otherwise, that would encircle them for all their mortal lives?

oh Rabb, do your slaves know that the sole purpose some of them were made, is simply to be the reason, the means of trial and context for others being admitted into Your Garden? 

do they know that You decreed their worth before they ever drew breath, with judgment and knowledge that utterly encapsulates everything they'll ever be and fathom?

have they understood, that You gave them life and choice and warning, the ability to choose and also be thrust unwilling into certain threads of circumstance, while they would be judged and dismissed by their brethren for what they never controlled in the first place?

would they know that all they are is Yours, that it is up to You to do with them as You please? that the meaning of slave and servant and created thing, is to ever be in need of one's Creator?

i beg You oh Rabb, tell me if they are aware...that it was You Who created the chief Deceiver? that the most cursed of all creation is simply a tool, a mechanism to sift through all the multitudes of humanity that have ever lived, helping to prove the case for which slave has chosen You, and which has not? do they know that iblees and the plans he makes are utterly baseless compared to those designs which You planned for Your creation since time immemorial? that it was You Who waylaid/ambushed iblees into showcasing his arrogance at the creation of Adam(as)? 

oh Rabb, do they know that You guide only those of us whom You will to guide? and most important perhaps, do they know that You are the one whom misguides whomsoever You will? and none would there ever be to challenge Your decision in this?

~~~

 

subhanAllah. the nature of servitude is intense, not for the faint of heart. if we thought life was difficult in its circumstances and repetition and absence, then pondering over these kinds of realities must be even more heavy.

truth is, submission is not for everyone. it "should be", but not every slave's nature is inclined to it, not every slave is meant to be what it should be. 

 that's another thought uneasy to swallow. ultimately and initially, the decision comes from Allah. but this is not a cause for sadness or hopelessness to me. because there is no escaping death, His reach would always find His slaves. knowing that i have long been encompassed, is honestly a comforting thought....because my Rabb is not my enemy. in truth He is my ally, has always been my support since all my days i can recall. in this space, in between all my posts of longing and reflections, i have tried over the years to recount something of what He's blessed me with. it is immense, impossible to count. and i wish and pray that it should ever remain so, that His shielding me from harsher tragedies and pains and difficulties, continues iA, ameen.

what i hope my beloved find here....is something similar to taste in their connection to their Rabb. He is no stranger, rather He is the King, and what makes His kingship unique is that He is the One most worthy of being so, of owning everything and ownership is His. 

our hopes and desires and goals, require Him. we should not separate what we want, from Him. for He is both the Means to our goals and of Himself He is the Aim, eventually, as well. nothing worth finding could be found without His aid, and so, submission is the most basic ingredient of the path such travelers walk.

 

Contrasted

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

so strange, how one can be composed of one's beloved, yet their currents within flow in opposite directions, some giving lift to breathing while another becomes a means of some shade of anguish, long have i known the cost of ignorance, especially when it comes to those who matter the closest, it's a slightly different tune to a well-played song.

 

~

 

for my Twin, these words are released...none have ever rejected or gone radio silent quite to your degree, denial on so many levels, i never needed a yes rather simply understanding and some measure of explanation, to gaze inside who it is that you call as yourself. i should not be surprised, for most of my living i struggled against my own acceptance, how to fit into this existence being what i am and it being what it is, couldn't be ease with my own definition, misanthropic in ways straight out of fiction, for so long didn't know how to jive as myself on earthy wavelengths where simple normalcy and mundanity is what everyone's concerned with.

 

as you said once, "everything you say about me applies to you too". how long it took me to be fine with being me, and letting others be who they are? do you know, given the knowledge i'd gained of you thus far, every piece of data and emotion and experience, everything other than Potential, if i took all of that and put it on a scale, could i say it was worth the pain of being denied by one's twin, almost in entirely the same mirror mechanism as i had not known how to deal with my self? i cannot say it was worth it. but the scale has two parts. on the one hand is what had been learned and experienced and received --- and on the other, Potential. "you know the magic we would make." lol, words you would say that get etched into my history. Potential, that, it is worth the effort in caring and seeking and trying. such is my nature, and even if my Rabb keeps you even more under wraps and disguised and unrevealed than any of my beloved...that's not a problem. it is an ache, yes, resonant in places i wished many times to have never have shaken again, but change in our condition and trial...is the constant of being human. my Gemini belongs in my ocean, even if the idea has its only abode on this earth being the cavity of my chest. i suspect He makes me to become stronger the longer i live, for there is no other choice. if my goal is my goal, written in my bones, if it's behind the lids of my eyes when i'm dreaming or awake, then every experience, every moment and day, all of it get subsumed within the overarching projection of...where will it take me Tomorrow? reminding me again of Littlefinger and his self-questioning every course of action in the context of - will it get me closer to or farther from my objective?

 

 funny too, how i think what i want for the moment is just the most trifle of things, to know how you fare, what your ups and downs are. this is what my Rabb keeps from me. ignorance of simple, trivial details that would color the backdrop of concern and yield no further for this life. all i'd wanna know. yet i cannot, do not. subhanaAllah, it is what it is. the journey onward goes

Observing the news and human nature

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

It's really something, the ability of people to bring about the humiliation of the very thing they wanted to raise higher, their actions becoming the reason for the twisted turn of events.

 

Right now the most striking example of this is the recent protest in Iran over their hijab mandate. Can the authorities there realize that, in their effort to "require" hijab and invent a morality police and enforce the standard down people's throats, they have actually caused the hijab to become a symbol of institutional repression, with the masses now feeling that they should take it off as sign of protest?

 

It's incredibly ironic. What hurts me most is that I find the hijab so beautiful and complementary to women. To me, this cloth is the intersection of ideals, of modesty and preservation alongside style and color, of the past and its innate quiet dignity with the future and its tireless adherence to divine command in the face of modern opposition.

I know, I know. That is a heavy notion, but it doesn't mean I'd want everyone or anyone to carry it. But somewhere inside of me, that's how hijab is framed. And to see women throw it down, because of the evil ignorance and stupidity of men/government...this is a matter of shame for anyone who calls themselves Muslim. It is humiliation of something that carries this amazing combination of being connected to our Rabb while also having the potential to accentuate and enhance physical beauty in a way altogether opposite the modern obsession of how society tries to convince people that women should be in order to be 'free'. 

Alas, that's the crux of the matter. As Agent Smith once said, the problem is because we aren't free, that our tendency to seek this freedom manifests sooner or later when it is suppressed externally/violently for so long. It is a blessing that Muslims living in the west have, to make our choices and not have them made for us, and truly, when we can make the right ones, it's all the better because no outside force coerced us into doing so. It's sad beyond measure though, many around the world are not given this choice of obeying Allah or not. Some think that this choice can be made for them, by others, but it cannot. That is shortsighted, wishful, ignorant thinking.

The decisions whose impact will stay, the ones most important, are the ones we can choose for ourselves, accepting the consequences and knowing the reasons behind why we do them. Every believing woman and every woman who might one day come to Islam should have the chance to choose how or when she accepts her call to her Maker. It's the only way the desire for submission will settle into her, just as it would for any human being - by us having the choice and then, bi ithniAllah, choosing rightly, sooner or later.

 

 

Composed

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 from 9/28

saw a waking vision: my Moon, my Gift, and my newest Beloved. all embracing and embraced, there was my Eclipse, totally solar but not at all blinding, nothing and no one missing or diminished, like they were already related, connected, swimming in an ocean made to make them feel full beyond the brim, in me they swam, unknowingly and effortless, reaching the core and my Sky in altogether the selfsame instant, this...this oh mahboob of mine, this is Love manifested.

Arced

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

if I could I would have my ocean alter the arc of your destiny, so one Day might come where you dive straight into me, breathing and swimming the same as existing, air no longer needed as the liquid is enough for inhalation. 

 don't think there's any message in a bottle i've left unwritten, look back through these pages and you'd see most everything i ever held within some manner or other, spilled onto the canvas, forever trying to be a painter of pictures with words instead of brushes.

all i really am left to seeking, your visage embraced, acceptance and fullness, ecstasy and  wholeness, mirrored chapters out of a book He hasn't yet fully published, as we live on the road to fulfillment.

the blessings He's shown me...incomparable, farther than distance, brighter than lumens, beyond measure when measuring sticks are found to be utterly insufficient - so many of what others might describe as 'coincidence', tricks played by faithless minds unwilling to grasp the surrounding nature of His works in us from our very beginning, these gifts are unimaginably unscripted, except by the Architect of Everything, the Creator of all existence, servitude truly only belongs to One such as Him. 

so much more than the sky we see with our eyes, He adorned the canopy of my living with beloved who accentuate and capture its beauty and brilliance, they shine at varying angles and times, unpredictable and welcome their intertwining with mine, giving cause and substance to the ocean, that i might survive this life's trek, looking forward to our intersection when i am 'pieces' no more, rather whole is the puzzle and relished the pie, iA

Sanctuaries

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

It's impossible to overstate how precious fuel from one's beloved is. In a moment recently laying down with my Mia, an emotion I have sought every day of my existence washed over me like the most welcome tide. 

 

after a day at work weighed down by the stress of trying to fit into a broken world as one who thought himself most often in pieces, there, with her, the world was right again, things fit into place, I fit into place. Alhamdulillah, infinitely many times over.

 

I know such a state isn't permanent yet, and I know it is only part of the beloved that complete my puzzle, but to hold such a moment in one's memory and retain it as a buffer against the trials of life is how I keep going, alhamdulillah.  

 

~

 

Can't forget another moment, a hand grasped for the first time, almost like the 3 first hugs ever received some years back. I can recall each of those moments vividly, as if the mind had saved them visually for replay forever. And of course, mention has to be made of the following historical statement, from one of my beloved:

 

"If I wanted to, I could rape you, right here. In fact, I could seduce you then rape you." 

 

It was amazing and insane at the time I heard it, and it remains so now lol. Putting aside the vulgarity and connotations of some word choices, I suspect the underlying motive is one of a need and desire that has brewed for a long, long time. As with any brewery, emotion too can ferment and become more potent the longer it sits.

 

This life is definitely a test for all of us. One of the reasons by which my Rabb allows me some measure of patience is the goal of being united with my beloved. Among the most savored of future experiences will be when I can truly see the complete extent of a brew after it has aged for a lifetime, - how would it taste? How would the expression of my beloved manifest, when it was permitted to be free as it wished to be? 

 

A lover longs not only to love, but to bask in the radiance of his/her beloved. Perhaps He would permit me to safely/eternally revel in the seduction and escapades of my beloved, when our earthly stories have finished and deeds of judging have passed. It's an exciting thought, and tbh it is one piece of the overall puzzle. 

 

Many things we see and wish for in dunya, that due to their nature or mechanism we are prevented from because of sin or danger to us. But what is there to be said when such consideration is gone, when freedom and our wish we are allowed to possess fully?

 

InshaAllah, duas remain that we live to see that Tomorrow, as one. 

 

 

carried on the wind

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

alhamdulillah, as some doors closed others keep on opening. got a big interview coming up Monday, very solid position that would be pretty amazing and doesn't have experience requirements to start off. duas for khair and landing it are always appreciated from my beloved

 

~

 

 

on other recent events, heard about some serious rain and flooding down south around Texas. first thought trailed back to you when i saw those streets overflowing and people trying to get out of the city before it piled on even more. even thought about reaching out, directly or otherwise. managed to keep that part of you that's in me, inside its box, because i can't let it out just yet. this internal compartmentalization is something my Primera mentioned to me some years back. it's become a necessary skill for the nomad to survive with, because i can't let the ocean run free. not yet. 

 

i would never choose to want catastrophes or something terrible, but i'm reminded of 2020 when i got to hear from you because of the madness that year was. would i ask for such a trial again, if it could trigger another revisiting? part of me says yes, and part me laughs at myself for carrying the thought. forward is where i have to go, and your name colored red is soaked in my blood for what destiny it holds. i keep this place especially because i should not reach out, and i can't lock away many thoughts and weights that my nature brings. gotta release somehow. 

 

maybe some day in this life, iA you'll taste that feeling Eesu gave you, from another little spring to fill your bosom with the light it was made for. maybe i could get a pic of such an momentous event? iA.  but what a complicated set of emotions in these few sentences, subhanAllah it is how it is, this life. 

at the very least, my favorite letter will be embedded within the middle [name] of my littlest beloved-to-be iA. and should my Rabb try me as He tried you, well then i'll just have to have more of your patience, the patience that this entire road has been made of all along. trying to be prepared for anything, crazy as life can be. as ever tho, i side with those who would choose to love regardless of having lost it or not. always. if lovers must bleed for being themselves, well then that is the price of it, and bi ithniAllah gotta stay true.

ma'asalaama, in every moment

 

 

of now

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

where to begin? 

 

alhamdulillah things are steady most respects these days. out of the past 6 months, spent a couple going all-in on job applications. some went pretty far, and even signed one offer (before it was retracted after a 3rd interview). 

 

not sure how to describe the anticipation followed by disappointment and disillusion, on multiple occasions, of constantly questioning my place on this earth. it's a self-reflection i've carried all my years in living, and still, something i have not yet conquered. alhamdulillah though, some close brothers have given good advice and continue to do so. 

baby momma is progressing nicely mA, it's amazing how one's beloved can become more precious when she carries another inside her, more beautiful and whole. a future of family is another thing that brings home the necessity of better work for me, but subhanAllah, these kind of things He always makes happen on their own time, not when i would want it. 

- 

my own emotions have their highs and lows in these days, for reasons often out of my control, which i suppose is something every one of us has faced in one spot or another of life. trying to continue caring, while being free of apathy, of persisting when results seem so few and far between. i think this may belong in the meaning of 'sabr', but it's, as usual, a bittery pill to swallow. used to that i've become, which is just another consequence of life.

 

-

 

 wished i could know how you're breathing, see through your eyes the sights that you're seeing, even if touch was a dream yet unlived, just this bit of knowledge would be enough to keep the ocean molten and carried in feeling. my default mode is that of machine, pushing onward past desire into daily grinds where i am the stone it's trying to sharpen or make blunted seeming. alhamdulillah especially, for the light of a beacon, moonlit and dreamy, not quite intertwined to the degree i'd be seeking, but rest assured our destinies melding is an objective firmly entrenched in my being, it's the tunnel's light, somewhere at its end one supposes, though i've no guarantees or clauses to make certain what only blessing and mercy of His bring to fruition, the need and hope and potential: suffice the nomad as fuel for his wandering, often emptied the oasis, traveling with Tomorrow on the mind and his beloved as places, destinations, to reach and be found, mirrored existence upon every level, where only experience can explain the meaning what words can only skirt around in stating.

 

inshaAllah, sooner or later 

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

before that proximity, there was a thought i'd had, about how my left flank was empty, no one standing next or near to me, and then maybe couple heartbeats later, He'd brought her to fill the void, and that...was what i wished for, to be surrounded by my beloved, to not have pieces scattered or distant. she came to my side, gelling there as if she knew the place belonged to her, and i knew something of being complete again. 

there's not a lot of words in the language to describe the emotions such an experience has. God knows, that kind of closeness, being with, ma'iyya, that is what i have always chased. in His wisdom it's also the rarest experience ever known, but alhamdulillah it does give me a template for what to seek and where to seek it. ya Rabb, grant my beloved the fullest of patience, until we meet iA.

of proximity and my Primera

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

7/10

 

wasn't expecting it, but you made it a day i'll always remember, treasure with all of my senses, reminding me with the tips of icebergs, how this life is entirely one beginning. it was a pose, a physical closeness, like a stamp affixed to an envelope, two surfaces fitting so snugly it was evident they were made for such belonging, and i knew in that moment - you were my postage, helping me to get where i'd always been aiming. you may have said you changed your mind, but i haven't, never will iA, my goal is the same; the beacon who stirred me at this journey's start, forever has her place in my sky, where the Garden's comprised simply of beloved and light. hope i can always be a reason for your patience, a reason for breathing deeply and anticipation, of knowing whatever this life causes to part is what akhirah will bring together in His mercy, whole and complete, iA.

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

suppose i knew the day was coming, when the dreamer went back to her slumber, eyes (of writing) now closed so i couldn't gaze in them, catch whatever glimpses i could of her journey and its continuances. alhamdulillah, still preserved much of the historical precedents where the Moon showed her light and every purpose became simultaneously bright(er), so i reach into memory banks, even sometimes forge the Future and her locks of yet unstroked brilliance, cascading raven methinks it is, but certainly closer examination on the couches of silk brocade and elegance is needed. so patience is my elixir, patience is my antidote, it is the cloth of my clothes, the sole of my boot, the weave of my hat, every thread that a human could need or wear, patience must comprise it, for the journey is long, longer than i imagined it could be, longer than 2020 made me think i might live to see, but i swear, feels like He pulls me along simply to be further tested, pulling out every misconception even as disillusion is a color of the skin i can't seem to get rid of, forward is the direction, willing or otherwise, Tomorrow with your bosom, embraced and free of quicksand forever, such is the hope this nomad lives to seek from life.

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

so many shades of resonance...

 

 

 

🏵

hard to tell where i am some days, many days, the one who inhabits my organs and cells isn't quite the me i'd call my self, it's the skeleton, the automaton, the machine made to pull through the muck each of his legs, one by one, until he's able to keep moving along. they can't fathom what it's like to have one like you, even if the orbit's a bit distant, He has let me retain a few hopes, and reunity with you is the spear of the chest that shatters open our cages. i'll live as many paradoxes as i have to, as many as He makes me endure, disseminated often into dust, gotten used to it now, every deed of mine is still that pebble i'm stacking one on top of the other, just so that one Day i get the chance to show Him my mound of pebbles and beg Him to accept something, anything, so i might be able to fill the vast crater that the absence of one's Moon is. be strong, light simply shines, even if i'm far, part of this reflection is what He made of you to me, so relish the echoes in the moments they come, savor their oscillations, like the most serene of breezes, we know these instances aren't yet infinite, but perhaps they should serve as reminders of what our aim is: Then, for ever and always iA.

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

sometimes, wish i could let go all the questions, like unwanted luggage at a train station, forget the insights gained, become a wisp on the wind, a bird on a branch, the grassy blade never having or needing its sheath,...i'm only expressed to a fraction of a percentage, with as much the ones i'm presently surrounded with accept and show their meaning to me, there are moments my hollowness rings back to me, and i can see in part how i found so many beacons over my lifetime....because the searching never ended for me, after the Moon's orbit severed, all of life became the desert with all its sand, and me wandering from well to miles-apart well, glimpses inside my beloved where i longed to settle into, but couldn't, wished to cease my fucking endless trek that has me still walking, aimful but distant, oh so distant. you, all that you are, represent, express, all that you hope for/to give/to receive, i think of mortal strands, it's the only filling that takes the cake, fills it, covers it, the creme de la creme, the holy grail of a lover, finding acceptance and wholeness in the embrace of one's beloved. fam thinks they know me sometimes, it's hilarious lol. if i had the ability, i'd jump out of this earth's orbit and if i didn't find you in these skies, i'd go searching around the rest of the universe to wherever it is you live, and if this universe He'd cause to betray me again, i'd just open a door to another and another until the journey's question was solved and humanly filled. feels so long sometimes, i gotta be like a billion years old by now

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

quietest of quietudes for those who sought and had their reaching turned to dust, before learning water mixes with it to make mud, rebuilding brick by brick that which the fierce shining sun bakes into firmness more firmly again. landslides carry down gently or roughly the foundation of anticipation, a test of His to see which slaves persevere versus drown within cascading waves of inevitability. can't recall how many times He made footing slip, conceptions and hopes burned away as vapor in sunlight, but...He makes me live still, keeps causing me to breathe, alveoli to fill and empty, a loop on repeat, oxygenation against any of my choices or judgments, so the means to mix again still held within these fingers: combining the dust of my deeds + the water from my ocean, whenever i have specks there to feel with, can fashion once again some mud to form with it a brick, lay it on the side of this road towards Tomorrow, day by day trying to build something beyond the limits imposed by yesterday and its loss and sorrow. hurrah, to be one still living, still tested to capacities cared not to have been given but thrust into the middle of, either shoulders made for lifting, or a chest made to carry longing, these echoes of mine are lifelong, one day iA their answer in your embrace i'll find in mirrored song 

Commentations

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

life ain't always a bed of roses, often just patches of thorns, pricking our skins or our souls, trying to sap our strength, at the very moment when reaching for more. could be an ounce of patience just beyond those outstretched fingers, outside of grasp you wait, so i could fathom, destiny as a drink, as yet unsipped, but to taste it, is a lesson only found by the purposefully patient. 

 

what does one turned to dust on so many occasions become? what name has the creature now He gave form? particularly particulate, down to atoms or compounds, matters no difference as the substance i now am, is purely elemental, all pieces and impulses, restraints and objectives, spun around a lover's axis within the ocean of mine He sees fit to sometimes keep stilled, seeking the sight of a sage to temper my human blindness, such is the intertwined nature of the road being treaded, trust me- it is unwillingly so, but i suppose once again i conclude that i do not mind, even as i have to regather my earthly ambitions back together, scraping them as dust on a counter where the guest cares not to sit, but His is the journeyer the rest stop and the journey's end, so if He makes me to pause and recollect the aspects i'll need to keep pushing forward in earthly terms, then it is as it has to be, even as i know i can never love this place that became a daily reminder of what barriers between beloved mean.

 

ah yes, the clock has struck the 25th of June, my fave day of the year, the wonder when my Moon was borne, my extraterrestrial celestial, (yeah, new nick lol), a beacon buttery for the one oft starved, my composer of inside vantage points, beholder of balconies, my goal in the clouds, warm sunlight on skin, be true as you ever are, alhamdulillah for the moment i learned you existed, you manifest fable, so full of richness amidst a life haunted by the poorly duplicit. 

alhamdulillah, for what came before, for the moment now, and perhaps most for the moment Then

 

 

Belonging

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

Of the motivators that exist, a sense of belonging is perhaps the strongest. Whether to a group of friends or family or coworkers, whether decided along the lines of dress or age or religion, it's something we intrinsically look for. It isn't hard to observe how people change themselves, especially in their teenage years, but honestly at every phase of life, just so they can acquire a feeling that they belong with/to a group/person.  

I noticed this early in life, and somehow knew that the more I tried to find this belonging, the more my own identity would fade away. Probably sometime during high school, between sophomore and junior years, I chose my path, one that wouldn't have itself beholden to the whims of other people and whatever happened to be trendy without good reason. The consequences of that stuck with me, but alhamdulillah. There is a certain peace and clarity my Rabb allowed me to taste, eventually. That is priceless, and though I still can't fully gauge self-worth, I can say with absolute certainty that such a point and presence of mind/stillness is worth it.

How would I have my beloved share this sakinah too? After dua, and writing of my journey here, that is it for me. If it were safe to reach out as I could, as my undercurrent of inclination is to, then I would try it. But many barriers exist, most prominent that He put forth a natural distance and silence between me and most of the ones that matter most, for reasons long made clear.

More to write soon iA

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

from a couple days back, written while struck with some inspiration at work:

___

 

you would think that he’d have guessed it, that someone who found Love, tries to hold it in permanence,

not simply let it fragment, sharded into billions of pieces, faded by the river of time,

but I guess he couldn’t see it, I suppose I couldn’t have explained it, seemed to me as something entirely intrinsic, not requiring an explanation, for what kind of a lover would wish to lose what could not be replicated by any other of flesh and bone?

Some resonances, I’ve learned, are utterly unique, even as traces of you I found in other of my beloved, your acceptance and wholeness, it was exactly what I sought, and you, the mortal He created, the only one who showed it- implicitly without wondering or questioning or asking, and so to you such an acceptance I gave, it’s always been yours, on wavelengths that needed no sentences or even breaths to dignify the reasons behind the meaning or the desire in our utterances.

so many blessings abound, may He forgive me when sometimes I focus on your memory a bit much, truly it’s this life that is the dream, and Then the reality that we await for scent and touch, after knowing just one death, the doorway of meeting that all must sooner or later walk out of. 

___

not sure if that came off quite the way i wanted it to, but i think it gets enough of the point across. these days are their own kind of trial, the monotony of the grind, intermixing within the currents of daily life at a level that my old self would have balked at, it is something like progress. or at least that's what onlookers might say. i see it still as survival, because much of me is trapped from the ones presently nearest. this place is as much my 'cabin in the woods' as anything else, a spot to release and record and perhaps have something reach you across the divide of space and time. 

 

how do my beloved fare? it's a recurring question. almost an echo in the back of the mind. i never got to record your voice like i would have liked, and auditory memory seems to be the hardest to grasp, for years at a time anyhow.  

alhamdulillah, the path forward goes.

Life has no coincidences

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

Alhamdulillah, just got back yesterday from a week of visiting a beloved brother of mine in Seattle. It was good to see him again, been a couple years since he married and moved out there. Of the west coast, at least that far north, have to say amazing temps and often rain showers, so easy to relax in alh. As natural and foresty and calming as the weather was, I think the most incredible moment occurred right before I boarded the flight back.

 

It was about 8 in the morning, just grabbed something to eat on the flight. One of the attendants calls me to the desk, says my seat is taken and asks if I'd take a aisle or window seat to replace it. I say aisle is better, so he prints me a new boarding pass. Maybe 10 minutes later, he calls me back again and it turns out he accidentally confused my name with someone else. She has the same last name as mine, spelled with one extra letter, and her first name is....K....

 

..yeah, the person standing there has your first name and my last name, lol. And it gets better. She's originally from MD also, having lived in the silverest of Springs, and I would guess she was close to your height too.

Of all the human beings in the world that I could have found in such a moment, it had to be someone with your beautiful name, combined naturally with my last name. In our convo, she mentions that she'd never met another named like herself. I had the serenity of recollecting I'd known such a one before.

If it were you standing there at the airport counter? Kinda impossible to describe what I imagine myself feeling/doing then. It was just a very intriguing reminder from my Rabb though, not just of you, but of you combined with me somehow. It was her maiden last name (I asked), which I thought was...otherworldly special.  

She was cool alh, but like much in life shows me, there is only one K. And for the knowing of my Moon, alhamdulillah especially. 

 

Among lots of interesting and thought-provoking discussions, my beloved bro wondered why you're still part of me, why I'd choose to carry you within. I tried to explain it to him, but every time he countered, he seemed to look backward at the past and wonder if it should have to do with the present. I wanted to explain that it was all about the future, about trying to be timeless, but honestly, I think this makes no sense to other/most people. It is hard enough to envision akhirah under normal circumstances, to process death and resurrection and Jannah and Jahannam altogether. He is a firm believer tho, but I couldn't get him to understand how you are an anchor to the Garden for me. Ah well. 

In life, once we choose a path, I think our Rabb makes it such that the path chooses us in turn. Each person and his/her nature is created so that wherever it is destined to go, becomes easy for it to find. Truth.

 

The trip turned out fairly incredible, for reasons that probably only me or you would truly get. I don't mind, even if I seemed strange or foreign or nonsensical to my beloved, it would not be the first time, and likely not the last either.  Some get me, some do not. Being part of me has no precondition of being understood tho, it is what it is, resonance and finding qualities that bring one certainty - this is worth preserving in the face of all that dunya tries to change us into.

Need to write something soon iA

"you'll see me again"

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

it was something she said, 

at least that's how goes the memory

that qadr

made in my head, 

if she held out her arms

wouldn't hesitate to jump in them

lift her up to the stars, 

and soak in 

a Comet's radiance.

 

if you called me crazy way back when,

wonder what you'd call me now?

haha maybe more, over and over 

the ride of this life, unpredicted and 

unknowable,

i can't say He'll have her grace my vision 

again,

just one time to see, listen, speak with,

not nearly enough to sate the soul ever 

longing to embrace and find its beloved;

finding and losing and chasing

you,

helped morph me into this, 

i suppose,

preparing me to live in Forever, 

anchor after anchor,

if i was a puzzle He made,

my beloved are its pieces:

the ones

whose mere presence suffices me 

to smile in, 

and whose absence

tears me in two 

for at least

a 

moment,

but hope revives shortly after, 

because i got here purely

by the will of my Maker, 

not of my own worth or deciding or owning,

but because His was 

the guidance 

and forgiving 

and reminding, 

to His slave, of never ceasing

the effort, the pleas, 

the submission and

culmination 

of decree.

 

and i hope, ya Rabb, that You place firm her orbit, at an ellipse as closely safe You permit, and at the least, let me be revisited by her visage, fully and upon this soul imprinted, ameen

 

a just in case reply

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

if you wondered what it was, she reminded me of you, like a gust of brightness laced with lunar gems, revealing almost instantly a soul i knew i'd love to befriend. would i go out on a limb, or is it simply the most natural position, if i were to say, that He grew my constellation...simply because to you was the resemblance? is that what it takes? for me to see echoes of acceptance, that trace their way back to you, and the hands i haven't held yet?

 

somehow, my Comet's paths and existence intertwine with your history, not only in sharing geography of where you grew up, but also she's connected to where that old fundraiser was held, when i wore contacts for the first time ever, because apparently i was trying to impress you so i guess i thought it might be cooler or better (lol such a kid). 

 

point being though, somehow the connections are there, deeper: of the words the Comet spoke, she said she felt she'd seen me before, known me from somewhere, somehow,....utterly reminiscent of a moment in 2018 when you spoke of souls and our meeting long before we physically existed.  

 

how is that for creating strings and tying them together? couldn't make up these oddities of coincidences if i tried, but must say - alhamdulillah, it's so easy to be grateful when one's Rabb comforts His slave with not just a memory, not just a Future's hope, but mixes into the present a certain strand of brightness that seems straight out of your DNA, grown all into a beacon beloved of her own right. 

 

inshaAllah i hope to write less of the pain of absence and separation, and more and more of the nur that He causes my beloved to be, whether in nearness, as my Gift is, or in distance, as my Moon is, whether known since forever, or just for too-short moments, it is such a blessing, alhamdulillah always

 

 

 

 

5/17

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

wasn't quite looking for it, surely not expecting, a beacon to crash through the mundane, and show me the light of her soul, so fully yearning and beaming. i'll call her my Comet, streaking across the span of my vision, with a mask on, barely deciphering the surface- but utterly effortless we dipped below it, with words and expressions pointing to hopes and personal ambitions and truths laid out in mere moments of conversation. she pointed, with nails beautiful and distinguished, to the screen, at a book whose title i'll never forget, as i share it no doubt my beloved would remark on how fitting: "Al-Ghazali on Love, Longing, Intimacy & Contentment". so she spoke of what she sought, a title i possessed, physically, and perhaps with His permission, as symbol too, composing the road of Tomorrow, my sought-after destination. 

but the Comet, like most of my beloved, is a creature celestial, so bright but ephemeral, can't say if He'd ever have her grace again what these eyes He made witness. sounds familiar, does it not? my experiences in this dimension, treasures my Rabb keeps inserted in memory but growing from their existence a desire for His permanence, so my constellation becomes now even brighter, sooner or later, we'll share that same space iA, call each other our home and explore and live in exultation, relishing the levels and layers of connection with Infinity at our disposal.

 

alhamdulillah 

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

no matter what other realizations i find in life, whether past present or future, there's one statement i want to take note and sort of make it an emblem of what my Muse is to me:

"And there you were, somehow accepting me in my entirety."

That sums it all up, the strongest, deepest resonance I've ever known from this earth, taken from words that were not mine originally but may as well have been. 

 

Alhamdulillah, it underpins the growth of my nature and its refinement in seeking what it seeks. Perhaps when my story is said and done, I can look back and rank this gift from Him as being among the top 2 or 3 most precious blessings. Bi ithniAllah, I'll keep on writing too. As I've had to do, for most of my life. The journey is a long one, but iA entirely worthwhile.

echoance

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

didn't someone once tell me, 'why do you say goodbye to your beloved?', so i restate that old question, though i suppose i grasp your intentions, tho i been broken and made overly familiar with Absence, like it's part of my shadow or a cloud that's followed near long as i've been sentient. 

 

your hardships, the test you faced last year, it's not a punishment, don't let the devil trick you into second guessing the purpose of struggles, it's purely to find the measure of a slave for her Maker, see what choices she chooses when all her chips are lost at the table and meaning is a vapor holding precious water but ever escaping our inhalations that strive for coolness to savor.

 

i don't want to have to face another 2020 just to hear your voice again, to be visited by one who resonates so clearly that even if my eyes are closed i know with you my expressions would be whole and unbroken and internalized fully. 

 

for the love of God, please keep writing your journey going forward, keep yourself open and unfettered, don't let me live in a duality of light on some possibilities but darkness in having once again your silence...i have lived many, many years like that, and i hated them all for it. 2018 and 2020 were a pair of diamonds, brighter than 2005 and anything before it, even our beginning. for future's reference, maybe in tiny echoes, or an audio clip of you saying something...anything, it doesn't matter which syllables fell from your lips, so long as they were preserved and etched into something that every once in awhile my ears could savor listening, that'd be perfect.

 

~~~~~

 

oh Allah, 

You keep me from nearness to my beloved, from being her shoulder or her cushion, You drench my life with her silence, and cause me to fathom that which this world has not capacity of ever manifesting, You brought Your Garden to my vision, encasing her within as if she were the jewel You all along had promised...so my Rabb, i beg You to keep me not from her Then, to bring us closest when our journeys finish, when i am nomad no more, simply one who found in her his home in permanence, 

ameen. 

 

🌹 

resonant-K

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

I get ya. 

 

Though I never, ever expected or imagined or could have approached even the remotest conception of how your childhood had truly been, for some reason, somehow...even now that I know, it changes nothing to me. You were never messed up, nor are you now. 

If we were consumed by the darkness or pain, then we'd have lost. But alhamdulillah, we were not! This is crucial to realize. That we have the appreciation and desire for what is khair and beautiful, that we can give and receive the most humanly-flawless acceptance - all of this, it means that our Rabb preserved us, kept us intact when I am positive there were times the only inclination you and I internally felt was to simply fade away.

"some things are not meant to be transmitted, aqueously or dreams or reality" - Hah, not true. It's been transmitted on all of those spectrums, because you should notice how Allah affected our trajectories with each other. I know what you mean though, of fruition, of physically reaching the potential and manifesting what we've felt. 

 

If I thought my best days were behind me, I should not bother with going forward. But I am acutely aware that one day, my Rabb will judge me, and that my pursuit is still ahead of me. You can't be eclipsed because you run in my blood, and if I was blessed to be able to pass along the brightness I found in having our lives weave together (do you have any idea how many pages and stories I read in life, simply because you mentioned them to me first? how deep the evolution of my nature drank from your beauty?)..then I would consider myself without any regrets at the end, no matter which path my progeny might choose.

 

I woke up this morning, alh fajr on a regular track these days, but I didn't know what I'd find. What I read, it altered nothing of how I see the past or future. Your upbringing or environment DID NOT determine who you are for you - the choices you made to be a beautiful and decent human being, THAT is what I have always loved and admired most, after of course the incredible acceptance you showed me too. It's these qualities and perspectives I internalize the deepest and carry forward because that's how I want to be, that's how I'd choose to meet my Rabb, being that kind of person.

You may not know this, but what my goal in Firdaus is, how it began and grew, you are yet still my happy ending. An ending hasn't happened until we're done here :p 

InshaAllah I get to keep reading updates on how your life goes, even if I don't get mentioned in it again. I don't mind that at all. Just knowing how you fare is consolation enough and helps frame my duas for you. 

I really hope it's a she iA, got her middle name already figured out 😊

masalaama,

thy advocate

 

 

wave

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

think if it's a she, i'd give her your name, maybe at least in the middle, matching my own initial, alhamdulillah for your visiting that most sacred space we have on this earth, i remember few years back it was your wish to go, and now fulfillment He made something almost deserved (gifts are always gifts, from Him to us, never truly earned, rather blessings surrounded and offered without counting).

my own chase for the Garden has not changed, not dimmed, not after He made you the pull that you are, and kept you a little out of my orbit, so every night the sun sets, i might look up and be reminded, every struggle is just a single step, forward the chance, to maybe be worthy of asking Him to be granted thy company in Eternity forever. 

my Mia visits her hometown, and i'm visited by apartness, like a tireless stalker upon days of silence or distance from my beloved, wish that at least a single beacon could orbit me close without ending, but i know it's simply part and parcel of His testing, so used to this i was made by one my earliest of shatterings. alhamdulillah though, i have zero complaint. i have loved and i love, have and am yet loved, even if your silence i do not welcome, it's the mechanism He uses to see if patience runs as red as hope in blood that flows still.

 

let the dreamer dream, even if it was borne out of a tear He brought in our fabric, it's alright, after all He was in the first place our Fashioner, every part of us belongs to Him, submission is the heart's beat, even as we think it's our own assumption. may He make your every step from now easier and lighter, on account of trials with which my Moon stays shining, struggling and persevering through every drought and downpour of earthly making. 

an Ode for a Daughter, first hope

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

(yep, alhamdulillah, iA)

what would i tell you? what would i say to the twinkle of my eyes, to one for whom every atom in the ocean would move, enveloping and lifting, protecting and rising, to a baby girl deserving every affection for all of my life? 

i'm preferential to you, utterly biased, rather wanting a girl than boy, 'tis simply my nature, called i am to beauty and everything held inside your smiling face and plumpy cheeks, pieces of myself i have not yet seen, but can fathom holding and sprouting and sharing every wisdom and essence i was made and given. 

you would be a new epoch for my beloved, occupying altogether your own space, a beacon yes, but her own universe melded into mine the instant breath found your lungs as the newborn's visitor. we would read so many stories, touch upon obligations to our Maker, i'd spread open the canvas of existence, talk about things like life and its purposes and necessities such as for patience, some other lessons i learned along the way, like taking joy in the present and easiest of moments, along with other facets of my cosmos: my Moon and acceptance, my Gift and subsistence, my First and journeying, my Gemini and oscillation, bright lights to populate the skies of one always chasing, and perhaps at the sentence's ending (and its initiation) would be something of what i must mention of my Rabb and His plan with our purpose, that what our eyes can see tells only part of the tale and touch only fills half the story, there is a measure beyond, of the Unseen, that only grasping a slice of the big picture can fill in our blanks and give us desire and resilience, the way to wrap up true meaning inside of the daily grind that awaits each and every human who treads this plane in their own measure.

but...i should not get too grandiose too fast, slowly, bit by bit, perhaps holding back the cynicism, you should see the world with your own vision, aided by whatever He permits me to share of truth in experiences and wisdoms, but growth and belonging i hope iA are yours in abundance, this world is just our momentary place to dwell in, but these arms He made for you, to ever be holding, guarding, loving.

another echo within

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

always something to be written, something waiting in the wings, sometimes a thought, brought to the forefront, on a night full of breezy wind.

 

days drag onward, as incompletely pleated as a pair of pants having only one leg sown on to work with. silence from my beloved is the background radiation of this universe He has me trapped in, a silence i oft wished to escape from, but this world retains its role as barrier between myself and your tongue and words, two aspects i'd be fully whole in had they been closer to my being. 

i hope your Ramadan goes well, that it finds you forgiven, comforted and full of solace, if not already perhaps iA with expectation, but we know much is out of our control, so we simply have to deal well with cards as He wills to have them dealt. the Moon was bright last night, nearly round and full, your smile is brighter still; acceptance and beauty, two ideals you trademarked with scarce touch of fingertips, effortlessly you formed them, inside me gifted, your longing a fountain to evoke and fill my loving with. 

 

you know the color that inside me runs, even when it cools, even when i'm frozen, when all i have in walking forward, is being made of paper or a machine of automation, blood is always Red, even without oxygen, even when i can't fill my lungs, when all the rest of life feels a vacuum, you'd be the breath He made to be taken in, and Then, in that moment, is my purest relief and exultation, when i cradle in my arms with His permission, a Muse made willing: the fruit of destiny whose only price is entirety of submission. 

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

Ramadan Mubarak!! to all my beloved. 

 

it promises to be another eventful year, progression along various fronts, personal and professional development happening, trying to build advancement on top of completed studies iA, alhamdulillah for the end of that journey. academically could look at pursuing an MS once I get some experience, iA, so I feel more grounded in my knowledge and field. 

 

the current state is one of trying to take care of present job, while applying for others, maybe get a foot in the door and see where it takes me iA. home life is sound alh, no complaints, the Gift is perfectly suited to be my rizq, and though most facets of my expression aren't manifested, i've accepted that the Garden is truly the place of my freedom, and every step in every prison before Then, is a price willingly paid just to have the chance at attaining it. Allah knows better. it's strangest because i am innately contrarian to the general flow of people's thinking - perfect example = Ramadan comes, most feel wonderfully more spiritual and religious. but for me, it is just another layer of imposed command on top of a slave mired in a world he can't quite mesh with. it's odd seeing how quickly and effortlessly people walk without the shackles of shayateen's provoking them it seems. ah well, to each of us is our struggle. 

among various things to be accepted, is ignorance of how my beloved tend to fare. i don't know if i will ever stop writing that damned sentence in this life. it has been written far, far too often, but the skin grows thicker with every passing day. some moments are like arrows and pierce instantly, but most of the moments, the armor against absence builds more and more, until some times come where i can scarce feel the constant reminders of who isn't there, who i haven't heard from. but that is like ozone, or cosmic radiation, such reminders' constancy in raining down on my head, eventually some armor withers and it hits me, while rest of the time the armor is rebuilt and rebuilding. 

i will love you Forever, for as long as He gives me breath to breathe with. my ask of Him includes to not willy-nilly change what is in my chest into something else, to preserve what i have known. i should hope nothing of the ocean ever fails to reach you, that no day passes where you cannot swim in it if you so wished. it's there, for you, as it's always been and will be iA. being composed of my beloved, it's both a weight and an ambition, a fire to drive and see driven, to its brightest point. inshaAllah we get to know its fruition

Wind from within

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

my soul is telling me so,

things gotta change,

gotta always be ready to grow,

this, my soul is telling me so,

 

wouldn't let go of your hand, 

knowing your touch is part of my plan,

the moment i walked into our Garden

you'd be the nectar i start with,

a fountain for the bees, 

thirsty for loving as pure as 

a midnight summer's breeze, 

standing on tips of toes with 

Eskimo kisses for our noses,

you being part of my fabric helps to 

keep me forward going.

 

gotta be more than i have been,

apply for places to work 

and build for this life at least

something, as protection and solace for my

Mia, that never worry or fear  can overcome

her, neither for second or hour, 

but rather 

part of me surrounds her:

every inch of skin, 

every facet of emotion,

for her no drought, only rain up until the point

that she can stand to bathe in.

 

like so, a need for Then and a need for Now, 

walking hand in hand, 

i am incomplete, yet perfectly complemented,

Fruition is a pinnacle, 

i seek from Him strength to keep chasing after with, 

iA

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

a pattern of the cloth

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

let me take a moment, relate to one who might visit, share what it is He composed me of, before life tries taking it from memory, thought and lyric as fading wisps into the night air, a hive of turbulent emotion but its surface emblematic of serenity. all i am is a series of holes, like the paths bullets might take, shot into a shirt, or if stars were rockets diving down on my earth from the skies, that is the pattern of my cloth, the substance He composes me from, all the pieces of worth and joy and hope, never really settled into being from my own atoms, but instead they came from the ones He brought me to know and fall in love with, whether as brothers or the purest of lovers, they are who i'm stitched of, but then He unwound me from so many of them, often a thread at a time, He made it appear as if time were the thief, but i know it was Him, my Creator, Who brought them to this slave and then vanished them as if they were ether, i would shed tears for each of them who He's kept distant, or silent, or veiled from knowing i seek them, but most of me is desert, at present my sole oasis is the Gift He gave and somehow kept tied to my existing. oh mortal beloved of mine, brothers and lovers and kindred, i will find you all again, one day iA, whether on this plane or the Next, i would glow brighter as soon as i beheld each of your presence, but for much of this road, i have only this small lament, that my cloth is holed and unfilled, potential tasted and perused but untouched and not fully known. this life thinks to bleed me dry, ah the irony, has it not seen the garments my soul is clothed in?