of now

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

where to begin? 

 

alhamdulillah things are steady most respects these days. out of the past 6 months, spent a couple going all-in on job applications. some went pretty far, and even signed one offer (before it was retracted after a 3rd interview). 

 

not sure how to describe the anticipation followed by disappointment and disillusion, on multiple occasions, of constantly questioning my place on this earth. it's a self-reflection i've carried all my years in living, and still, something i have not yet conquered. alhamdulillah though, some close brothers have given good advice and continue to do so. 

baby momma is progressing nicely mA, it's amazing how one's beloved can become more precious when she carries another inside her, more beautiful and whole. a future of family is another thing that brings home the necessity of better work for me, but subhanAllah, these kind of things He always makes happen on their own time, not when i would want it. 

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my own emotions have their highs and lows in these days, for reasons often out of my control, which i suppose is something every one of us has faced in one spot or another of life. trying to continue caring, while being free of apathy, of persisting when results seem so few and far between. i think this may belong in the meaning of 'sabr', but it's, as usual, a bittery pill to swallow. used to that i've become, which is just another consequence of life.

 

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 wished i could know how you're breathing, see through your eyes the sights that you're seeing, even if touch was a dream yet unlived, just this bit of knowledge would be enough to keep the ocean molten and carried in feeling. my default mode is that of machine, pushing onward past desire into daily grinds where i am the stone it's trying to sharpen or make blunted seeming. alhamdulillah especially, for the light of a beacon, moonlit and dreamy, not quite intertwined to the degree i'd be seeking, but rest assured our destinies melding is an objective firmly entrenched in my being, it's the tunnel's light, somewhere at its end one supposes, though i've no guarantees or clauses to make certain what only blessing and mercy of His bring to fruition, the need and hope and potential: suffice the nomad as fuel for his wandering, often emptied the oasis, traveling with Tomorrow on the mind and his beloved as places, destinations, to reach and be found, mirrored existence upon every level, where only experience can explain the meaning what words can only skirt around in stating.

 

inshaAllah, sooner or later