- in the name of Allah -

It never ceases to amaze me how in the sight of family, there are no such things as distance and seperation. Sure, you find the moments of some choosing sides or those irreconcilable differences that cause divorce and the like, but I wonder at how often, if it came down to life or death and jumping off a cliff or grabbing hold of someone's hand, the truth would come to light.

What could possibly make a family ever greater? .... If the whole ummah was a part of it.


- in the name of Allah -

Sometimes the mind can be one's own worst enemy. Last few days, thoughts of the following:

It was a choice that I made, a choice to me that destiny gave. No whispers just the dark side coming to light and claiming the future as a pack of lies from forces above, how only the moment matters and nothing else does. Life is a maze with us as the rats, loving this lab and finding the cheese seems to be what we’re best at. There paths to be had with outcomes to accepted rather than expectations that last, making choice but a cloud which we can’t see further past. If life was fully just in consequences but nature’s grip one sided, just where is this panoramic view of utopia where no one’s fighting? The very character of what makes the human a being is his very downfall, his scissors turned sword when he thought he was an artist beyond all means. So if one isn’t to fall off cliffs or go rolling boulders, he lives in cages and prisons where gravity is the warden and death a forgotten savior. There’s sanity we’re told to uphold and hold dearly, for if we let the blinds fall and try to look clearly the sun comes down right over our heads and suddenly we’re blinded. If you choose to see, then it’s a path down a road with no return, if you choose to refrain, there’s a road where with every step comes the chance of a landslide that yesterday returns. Before every bliss is a bane and a trap, a tool for the sane that reaches deep down and turns clarity into cataracts. A bump in the road, bumped for a lifetime, stunted in growth, its raining with no clouds in sunshine.


- in the name of Allah -

How ironic is this:

"In its statement, Israel said it wants a U.N. resolution calling for Lebanese militias to be disarmed and a G8 statement calling for the release of all abducted soldiers.
'Israel is forced to continue to defend its citizens because of the failure to implement these resolutions until now,' the statement read." - http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/meast/07/26/mideast.romeconf/index.html


for fuks sake. there needs to be an end to the hypocrisy and bigotry thats so rampant in the land of the chosen ones.
- in the name of Allah -

Among some arcane recommendations on what good movies to watch, I went out on a limb or two and saw 'Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind'. Needless to say for those who know, the parallels are wow.

Alas, the quote of the movie:

"How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd." - Alexander Pope

Some ringing echo in my mind's ear tells me that that isnt as obtuse as one might think. Some vestal indeed, some prayers too, but dunno if 'by the world forgot' really applies or not.

Allahu 'alim

But, dans la finis, "its ok"!


- in the name of Allah -

Just finished watching 'fight club'

that was one hell of a movie
- in the name of Allah -

Read "the alchemist" by Paulo Coehlo in the wee hours of this morning. initially, I couldnt help but imagine what life would be or have been like if dreams were our guide in life. would that exclude the element of deen? Im not sure. anyhow, the thought occurs to me that I should have read this book about 4-5 years ago. It might have meant something back then. now, its only a reminder that one persons reality doesnt always equal anothers. in any case, its a good enough read to be read by anyone.


- in the name of Allah -

Had some free time chillin at my bros house; the following was written:

What if I could make a necklace of words look like a necklace of pearls? Closing the eyes and opening the mind, thoughts trickle down and white light starts to divide. I chased the rainbow but some one already stole the pot of gold. So after this fruitless chase, was the vision a mirage or the scattered pieces of a broken vase? Antiques may have been antiquated, but can an idea fade so fast as if fate had never even made it? I dont believe the truth is a mist to be burned away by the sun but a sauna to try the soul against the very thing that can bring it undone. Though so long as theres air in my lungs and blood in my brain, Ill probably never stop writing for whats inside I cant contain in this life of mortal constraint

J'ai confuse aussi


- in the name of Allah -

Today I learned that a tree is not always the best kind of stop sign. o_o

Some idiot driving a car decided to take a right turn while I happened to be going straight (enroute to jumu'ah, ironically enough). He ended up barely nicked. I got a few cuts and a decommisioned (for a few days or so) left hand. Alhamdulillah for sure, as it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Soon as I find a pic of my (dad's) lost car, should have it posted up.

My old faithful, alas, you meet your fate :(


- in the name of Allah -

After some mildly strenous bball, I resort to some poetics written a few days back. Im not totally sold on what it means, if anything, but if I had to guess I would say its another (measley) attempt at whats known as a "goodbye" or whatever the hell one is supposed to say in my position. In any case, it is what it is

-only words 7.20.06

If I could reach for the stars
and find out where you are
I'd pluck your name from Neptune's rings
and show you just how soon the raven sings

For if departure meant the same as to diverge
then to completion would be lost an inner scourge
But as with every mortal blight on earth
the pain has its limit, and as such can be no curse

If we agreed that it was in fact a blessing
then water morphs to wine, with rain as its dressing
Yesterday was but a moment's memory
engaged to innocence it was, but married to reality

This life, this time in which we live
isn't ours to own, but only ours to give
Its trials come as oft the wind may drift
but nonetheless bound to time, revealing what truly is

All in all, whence my words run out, my pens run dry
the sky becomes my lake, and my thoughts the fishing line
for if those stars could but once, spell a single name
My destiny to the Immortal being, might find its beauty sane


- in the name of Allah -

gogog, b-ball!


- in the name of Allah -

Ok, so making links to music isn't really my thing yet. Still, I have some streaming audio links to be checked out at your leisure.

A seagull pic from the Niagara Falls trip. Imagine if I could do for a moment what he does for a living..
- in the name of Allah -

Who could have ever thunk it? Lately, bec of a chance encouter with some smallville episode, Ive been checking out Paul Schwartz and his New Age/Classical tracks. I dunno if theres anything more peaceful than that, excpt the Qur'an ofc.

Making a link here to music tracks is taking me too long..will post once Ive learned what it is Im doing


- in the name of Allah -

if a friend was a friend even when the seasons took a turn for the worst, it might just be able to accommodate all the past with all its hurt. sometimes blessings travel overseas and you never know what you have until its something you can no longer see; becoming shoulder posts for leaning, easing the blows until the torniquet of belief can stop the bleeding. imagine that, another thing for which to be grateful, another drop of solace in an ocean of dried hearts and withered souls. when words dont come and the air is still with no molecular oscillations, the truth seems to surface even though all around one finds isolation. its as if raindrops were falling amidst a drought, people running around looking for a water-filled pouch, while sustenance falls from the sky of their apparent doubt. and while they stumble in confusion and haste, i simply stand and recognize the moment that was orchestrated by fate. i may never need a face-to-face, or anything more than reminders of sunnah people forgot over the ages, but i can still appreciate the connection and bond thats made when expectancy isnt a burden or a game of cards involving future stakes. theres a serene bellow of wind that gusts on the mindscape, refreshing the trees planted there and leaving nothing but peace in its wake. and i laugh because ive been foolish and naive before, thinking that just because something was wanted would make that a reason for it to be delivered to the front of my door. but whats been found isnt a thing to buy or even look for, its a purposeful accident of meetings, chance acquaintences becoming into friendship borne of open honesty and destiny's greeting. so what? so life's choir starts another tune and blindfolded actors play their parts while searching for the ending in a dune of sand.


- in the name of Allah -

just watched luws chainj

- in the name of Allah -

So I embarked upon something with less than perfect intentions, but lo' and behold, before it could happen I heard the Qur'an. If there's anything in the world that can cure a weakening heart, that is it. Alhamdulillah. Sometimes I wonder just how petty we human beings can be in our desires and thoughts. May Allah forgive me, and my brothers and sisters of the deen, ameen.

I've wondered, among other things, what should be the force of stimulus that brings one person into one's life. Should it be for selfish reasons, or to benefit the other? I think the only conclusion and basis of judgment can be the truth. Deep down, its often possible to discern if true benefit, i.e in both this life and the next, would be attainable according to any given intention. With part of that understanding, I've rescinded what was probably a no-win situation on one hand, to reaffirm the possibilities of truth in another.

One more realization, that wherever I find a trace of truth or a trace of Allah, I will no longer create impediments in my own path, no more doubts, no more walls between what is good for me and what it is I seek. Ameen
- in the name of Allah -

Deathbed of a poet

solemn and silent, the wind blows away the leaves and soil, finding in its path a fading vision no longer defiant. theres no struggle, no need to desist, the bodys decayed and the souls in a place of no peace, a place without rest. inanimate imaginings can walk through walls but cant see past the tips of their fingers, right where the blame would fall if they stopped to look only inside. theres quite a bit of longing for the greater and unbound, unfortunately the time for it isnt now and so it becomes an enemy in disguise as a friend or spy. thinking is an abyss for those who carry its torch to the farthest and most dimly lit part of its cave, anyone who goes in just might need another to reach closer and pull them back if they dare to try and save. stop and go, you never know when life's light turns green or red, never know when its finally all done and said until the covers laid over the head and over the eyes, shutting out the questions and ignoring the lies, fates finally been found- a concrete slab of a poet's deathbed.


- in the name of Allah -

(that masterpiece)
sometimes the soul is a sheet of music, either compressed or composed, finding outlet in rhythms and sounds when no other place seems to offer any repose. if we'd agree that life was cyclic, then how is it broken? can it only be through death or is change able to be little more than a metastizing token? some of my words float and fly while others sink and die, it doesn't mean their message is ever different, only that the medium they're received in seems to be from me independant. I've tasted a bit of what it's like to be free, to soar with the wings of birds and be bound by nothing but the aim of things. there is a test today and another tomorrow, each and every exam with a scantron of choices to see if we invest our fortune of time or live off of what we borrow. the pieces and parts inside have often lamented how fate appears as a final albeit divine intervention, sending x diverging from y, when the axis of life we thought was only in two dimensions. it turns out that I or we were wrong and what was perceived to be the course of budding history, was but a trial among trials to determine where we stand precisely. I won't be the fish with deception's light in the deepest depths of the ocean, every time I see faint glimmers lured its both a breath of life and a hellish roar of anguish. so, I recede my worthless currency from investing in you, from taking potential away and making a decisive divide between us two. there's a time when what we want is no longer what's best to be had, no longer the innocence of hope once nourished in the bosom of adolescence. therefore and thereby, every right you've been granted should be a right you exercise. enough is enough when the skin I developed wasn't quite thick enough for this. if from truth eventually follows peace, it's the reward of foregoing ourselves from dried bits of yesterday's destiny.


- in the name of Allah -

Modest Mouse - Float On Lyrics

I backed my car into a cop car the other day

Well he just drove off sometimes life's ok

I ran my mouth off a bit too much oh what can i say

Well you just laughed it off it was all ok

And we'll all float on ok

And we'll all float on ok

And we'll all float on ok

And we'll all float on any way well

Well, a fake Jamaican took every last dime with a scam

It was worth it just to learn some sleight-of-hand

Bad news comes don't you worry even when it lands

Good news will work its way to all them plans

We both got fired on the exactly the same day

Well we'll float on good news is on the way

And we'll all float on ok

And we'll all float on ok

And we'll all float on ok

And we'll all float on alright

Already we'll all float on

Now don't worry we'll all float on

Alright already we'll all float on

Alright don't worry we'll all float on

And we'll all float on alright

Already we'll all float on

Aliright don't worry even if things end up a bit to heavy

we'll all float on alright

Already we'll all float on

Alright already we'll all float on

Ok don't worry we'll all float on

Even if things get heavy we'll all float on

Alright already we'll all float on

Don't you worry we'll all float on

All float on


- in the name of Allah -

Although I'm posting sooner than anticipated, for some reason I don't think it would be any less fitting..


choice is a blade that cuts and divides, truth from falsehood and falsity from lies. choice is a glue that binds hearts and minds, even when insanity is welcome and no one cares for time. choice is a rope that chokes and saves both kings and slaves, no preference to either but for all an abyss of consequence. to make a choice is to choose a side, a side colored in black or white but with plenty of grey striped for occasions ripe. it's not an apple or a tree, but two neurons interclicking and clacking, finding a way to release the fruits of a cortex bound in a hurricane of 'either-or' gifts in wrapping. no stockings no trees, no stars on the tips of branches, no evergreen leaves. no pumpkins no candles, no costumes no hiding beneath mantles. there's no season needed, no precip to fall, thats required for a choice to be made for in any weather it conspires to stall. here you'll find no theory of conspiracy however, the time is short and pivotal moments approach with apathy for a time or despite forever. still choice remains like a floating fire forever aflight, lit deep inside the soul, able to make warm in december or throw blizzard on top of the cold.
- in the name of Allah -

SubhanAllah. Just got back from Niagara Falls some hours ago, and what an experience it was. Unusually enough, I had a difficult time actually appreciating the natural beauty that was everywhere since the mind kept wandering. Nonetheless, the fact that I couldn't fully appreciate it didn't take away from the whole thing in any way. Should be posting up some pics soon iA.

As for the major events preceding the trip, at least for those who know me well enough lol, I had removed all the games I played on my pc. That was one step in what I foresee as continued development of the self and perhaps a bit farther away from the isolationist scene to which I've previously been inexorably linked. As for the events during the trip, I actually dipped into the indoor heated pool at the hotel we stayed at. Being the first time ever I've tried swimming, it was more fun figuring out how the heck to try and stay afloat, but alh seems like a beginning to certainly build off of. I was reading a bit of T.H. White's "The Once and Future King" (yep, same book as the one seen in x3), and I came across a passage that was particularly resonating. The character in the book, Merlyn, described swimming as akin to flying. And whaddaya know, he was right. So, the first step before I can (inshAllah) fly in jannah, is swimming, and if that turns out to be half or even a tenth of the experience flying promises to be, then indeed, the wait was well worth it.

All throughout the trip, I kept remembering people, for some odd reason or other. Some very unique and perhaps illogical ideas occurred to me too, but then such seems to be the case when the subconscious is inherently pensive. Any how, I checked out the two playlists and they seemed pretty cool, though admittedly not entirely my kind of flavor. Some more good ideas are always welcome.

Anything else I think should go here can probably wait till a good night's sleep, so iA.



- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah for new days and short term memory. Sometimes, its the only key one has to survival. Anyhow, on to more important news. Tonight, I should be heading off with family to Niagara Falls. iA, should be a heck of an experience.

Meanwhile, the playlist recommendations are going pretty well; of course, whoever has any more ideas (songs) need only drop a line. If I can make it to Pirates of the Carribean (sp?) this afternoon, that'd be the best scenario, but I dunno exactly how much needs to be packed so we'll see iA. Jumu'ah time approaches, and my new lease on life says I need to go, so ma'asalaam


- in the name of Allah -

Peace is a treasured blessing only oblivious to those who don't pay enough attention to find it in life. Alhamdulillah, things are moving along pretty well. The summer session of Anatomie and Physiologie II should be over in less than a month, and iA then starts the program this fall. Among other interesting things, it seems I have a(nother) stalker..lol...Allah help us all, ameen.


- in the name of Allah -

Alas, life never ceases to surprise. Alhamdulillah though, some things are easier to weather than others. Take, for instance, someone calling me with the caller ID blocked and then refusing to speak on the other line. Like, what kind of a conversation is it when it's entirely one sided?? Not to say I can't use my imagination, or attribute more to it than meets the eye, but whatever it is it's still trifling. In other news, caught up with an old friend who should be coming up to MD this week iA. It's gonna be a kodak moment seeing how he fits back in the masjid scene, if only for a minute.

Meanwhile, I'm on the second season of Smallville (DVD's). It's progressing quite nicely, and of course it has its moments of utter geeky-cheesiness and unsufferable sentimentality, but all in all it's a series worth seeing if only for how it all unfolds.

In other news, I'm compiling a list of good songs to make a playlist out of and I need help. I was able to pick out SR-71's Tomorrow out of what I was watching, but I need more input. Leave all suggestions as comments please, thanks. It's interesting though, how my "taste" in music seems to be evolving. Things liked yesterday don't seem to be appreciated today. No doubt the endless march of life to the tune of change, but intriguing to see how the self evolves nonetheless.

A random poetic..

If I close my eyes and could see ahead of time, would I tip the scales and favor the smaller fish over the bigger whales? or would I doubtless become just another bottom dweller in the ocean of possibility, searching my way amidst the depth of great pressure and no visibility. I can't foresee ahead not even the steps my feet take in walking, for it might come to pass I die and fall to the ground though what's ahead of me hasn't stopped harking. If death is the end of all desires, why should we live for them? Don't the things that mean more and most than those deserve the time and space that our being composes? It's easy as slicing butter to take our piece of the pie, but when it's time for our neighbor to die, there's not a tear shed, not even a whiff of concern; wonder why? If our own lives were guaranteed saftey while those closest were to live in peril, could we accept this and leave another's hopes as a needle of chance made sterile? I've found in these last few days, perhaps more than any moment prior, it's hard not to love or care especially of a period dire.
and so, what have we in this physical existence but each other's hands to hold and shoulders to clasp, hearts to make firm, dreams to make last?


- in the name of Allah -

It's ironic how someone can feel like they're three times their age, but when it comes to the knowledge and experience of feeling that way, they have no answer. Basically, it's a hassle not knowing and not experiencing a lifetime's worth this very second. Sometimes you're surprised at some things, and they happen to be not so bad. It still is so messed up how rebellious I feel towards fate in the smallest of ways. Take, for example, the unhidden irony in the fact that production of gastric lipase (an enzyme present in the stomach that breaks down fat) is at its highest in adolescence but declines significantly in adulthood- is it just me (ha ha) or do we tend to need it MOST as adults, but yet our biological systems appear designed as if to simply accomodate more and more lipids (fats), no matter the consequence to our health..THAT is irony if I ever knew it. So you see, it's not only the big things that provoke one's sense of right and wrong and throw them to the wind, it gets down to very building blocks of our physical existence, and how yet we must fight and struggle against even our own selves down to the molecular level! I can't presume to know what only Allah knows, but it's damned obvious just how much of a test this life is. It makes things so much more interesting.


- in the name of Allah -

I'm still human.

Fuck the cylces and the motors, just take me to a time when all the rollercoasting's over. A day passes and a sun rises then it sets and gradually the moon sows all the seeds of inability's regrets. I stay a path it seems only so long that I know how much it is what I really need, only to have my weakness peek around the corner and give trifling hopes a stake in the heart, burying pieces and parts in a tomb of finity's gloom. Where's consistency's shoulder when its my effort that falling cold, flat and impenetrable, like the bones and will of a war vet grown old. What if I was fated to die in a moment of forgetting, what'd become of all the things I planted but a Great Wall of Shortcomings? Right now its suffocating to be human, to be always breathing and choking in an asthmatic sea of self-made burden. Two seconds I'm free and above, then three hours I'm encaged and below, this is the test of life's little truffles every wise man intimately comes to know. To pass or fail, is there a choice in it of mine? Easily I would say I should pass, but then I see a mirror and it occurs to me the only way to find out is if I can last.


- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah, another day I'm alive. Life is truly precious when you think how easy it is to lose someone you love, especially a family member. I was thinking about how I would feel if my someone in my family died, how devastating it would be. And imagine, how one can care again when once it seemed like apathy would rule the day. Alhamdulillah for that too. Few minutes ago, I wondered whether it was better to not care and as a result not experience loss or to care and be subject to it every second of every day- I think the choice is clear: to care is better even though in doing so we may find sadness. The rationale would be that those who risk the least gain just as much, whereas those who risk the most tend to gain the same. Of course, the greatest "risk" in this life seems to be to believe in something we can't see. Science would have one believe that that's impossible, but it wouldn't be the first time it's been wrong and proven to be so.

Getting back to whatever topic it was I intended to start with, life is a journey. You can't expect to do it all in one day, or know exactly where your next pit stop is going to be. The thing that makes all the difference in the world, the thing that balances destiny and free will is choice, the only thing we control. We may not be able to understand the scope of the decisions we make, making it all the more important that we make positive choices with discretion towards moderation and due process. There's no end that is without its beginning, so if we never try we will never attain. It is by a first step that a marathon or a sprint is run, and it is by a first brick which gradually builds the skyscaper. I spoke with a friend today and we discussed some things I learned from my experiences, lessons noteworthy enough to mention.

1. online communication isn't the best
2. attachment can be dangerous
3. sometimes people don't mean what they say and say what they don't mean
4. the female gender can be quite complex
5. in the end, all you have is faith

For various reasons, these are part of the culmination of wisdom from experiences many years in the making. Asking why regarding these isn't as important, as the eventual acceptance and internalization that result. To find the path, in spite of the thorns encountered on the way, is better than to have wandered forever though never meeting a thorn and never being able to savor even the smallest victory.

Another interesting aspect of the conversation was the discussion of how a male-female friendship could be qualified within the bounds of Islam while still being beneficial for both parties involved. Previously it was my conviction that such a thing was impossible, that any such kind of communication would irrevocably lead to something more. Now, my perspective has changed. Partially, the reason is having experienced two major periods in life where I had a friendship and attempted to make it into something more and it didn't work out either time. So, experience says that attempting or forcing a relationship in a deeper direction can easily backfire. So how can it be easier or possible for the relationship to remain a friendship and nothing more? The answer is fairly simple; Islam should be the means and purpose by which we are bound to each other, and if it is the case, then as protectors, brothers and sisters to one another, mutual support is a key facet of our existence. What is a lone individual but precisely that, a lone individual? One supported and advised, accompanied and consoled, is surely able to go farther than one without such friendships in place. All of this is only relevant and considered with respect to full honesty with one's self and others. Dishonesty or ill intention are seeds of regret waiting to be planted in those hearts who seek where they should not find. Even so, the balance of human nature and human responsibility in any scenario can be achieved only, as far as I know, through consistent openness and awareness of the self and of Allah. We can and may falter, but the point is not in having fallen, it is in rising again.