- in the name of Allah -

there are moments when no rain shines, when no sunlight falls, when every glance outside is competition, between being free or in dementia's thrall. life just wants to close its curtains, or open them and tease potential with no fear of consequences, but seems like the farther I try to see the sooner the near makes me stumble, mind a telescope but need of plain glasses to see what everyone else knows is common-sensical. sometimes this is a dungeon, at others plateau, all limbs chained to the wall, or sight blinded by a wall of things it already knows. 

not as complete as I thought, most of me is here but some pieces still partial, trying to hold a cup of blown glass wrought without a handle, so easily whats inside falls away the moment it gets hot or cold - a tale read without ability to imagine or mold. the coup de grĂ¢ce of ironies: most often the heart remains silent and I'd rather it be so, than let the pitiful state of what's outside become a closer thing than already it shows. no chance to mourn Alice, there's no glory down this rabbit hole, adventure be damned, just keeping sane at times the only path that forward goes. 


- in the name of Allah -

"The living Aiel had only stopped singing over their dead a short while ago, haunting songs, sung in parts, that lingered in the mind.

Life is a dream—that knows no shade.
Life is a dream—of pain and woe.
A dream from which—we pray to wake.
A dream from which—we wake and go.
Who would sleep—when the new dawn waits?
Who would sleep—when the sweet winds blow?
A dream must end—when the new day comes.
This dream from which—we wake and go.


- in the name of Allah -

it might be those few written words are the last earthly ones from her I ever read, a memoir of all that came before, summed together neatly as the veins in a leaf. Allah knows the order to this Pattern, things falling in place even when to our eyes purpose looks all but lost or scattered. 

perhaps those words are not the final mortal stroke, perhaps as yet I may still find some droplets condensing, extracting from the thinnest of airs a truth unending and unbroken. visions of tomorrow whirl amidst the possibilities, as rain to quench the drought and thirst of a soul trapped in a body it cannot yet leave. 

   sometimes I see those rivers underneath, flowing fast or slow in rush beneath our feet, imaginings without hindrance from every corner peek, just tips of bliss wrapped in dreams lived out in every moment's scene. crowns or glories, jewels or brocades, of every type in every shade, for purposes or fancies, both, to be pleasing made. among the moments in eternity I will treasure, to have you know a promise made was a promise kept forever.


- in the name of Allah -

Sometimes being me is like being a tuning fork, tapping silently, softly against anything and everything and seeing if any matter in existence has a sympathetic frequency. Just that the older I get, the farther it all seems to get away from me. Most don't have the care or patience to understand, even want to understand things, the way I might find the most joy in. With good reason, life goes by nearly the speed of light and such things take up time they'd rather spend on something more applicable, more profitable, more worthwhile. In the dawn of this new age of men, I've long felt a relic of bygone eras, ironically coupled with other vast reasons for the general out-of-placeness I've know nearly all my time living. So what does one born in the wrong century, the wrong millennia, do? After a point the heart and soul shut off externalities, almost like it's all white noise, fluff taking up ear space. Such a place is almost like being in outer space, beyond ice cold, nearly 0 kelvin where everything in between neurons starts to freeze too. Not particularly exciting, but definitely more problematic when the goal held needs so much vigilance, tending to. Alas that this road I need to make through has me crossing the path I hate to reach the point I love. What else could make it worth it I imagine, the saltiness and sheer scale of irony is truly amazing, breathtaking, palpable like a heartbeat. But that's what it is, the undercurrent of the road I have to walk to reach where I want to reach. To swallow the agony of distance, of not knowing both the state either of us are in and if my bones stay cohesive long enough to make over the bridge, this is part of how the picture of my destination, surrounded by all the things one dislikes, shapes out to be. No matter how often things tend to freeze, I'll just try to slip and slide my way across the rink and find you a pair of skates while I'm at it, iA. 


- in the name of Allah -

One of the most striking pains I've ever felt is when I'd be talking to a best friend or else someone very close to me, and while relating something that they couldn't understand, there was a sense that some barrier was there between us. To try and be understood, and yet fail in the attempt, to be blocked off from closeness because what I said was too different...how do words encompass this? I can empathize easily enough with others, account for their emotional/psychological states, but when it comes time to have such a resonance for myself, it evades me. There was a time it didn't, and Allah willing a time it never will again, but still life provides ample tests for me to stay wary: Like a wrestler not yet out of the ring but mind hazy enough to think it is, or like a rabbit racing from a hawk thinking its given up the chase, never seeing the shadow till it looms too close. 

SubhanAllah there is no human feeling quite like resonance. I would call it the epitome of "love", but that would assume I understand enough of love. Not quite, never as much as I'd want. I suppose this underlies one of my primary motivators for Firdaus. To know again those frequencies, this time in their most perfect harmony. I have found it impossible to explain some things in life to another who hasn't felt it. How could one describe the sweetness of a mango to one who'd never tasted it? The feel of snowflakes to one who never touched them? In this way, my cage becomes most poignant, the need for sabr once more eminent. May Allah make it easy on me to keep the road to Him, ameen. 


- in the name of Allah - 

It's strange sometimes, to see one's self inside a set of pixels, a picture not even mine but still it's as if 'me' is scattered somewhere, everywhere, inside of it. Trying to grasp meaning, somehow I am reflected within shades of the red. 

I've found many little pricks on this road of life, pricks from thorns found in places all along the path, except in these pixels. Little parts leak out of me, trickles and streams of a different kind of red, reminding what the journey is all about. 

There are no laments for this pain, no laments of things behind, just hope for what is still ahead. May Allah make firm my standing, my reaching for Him, my finding Him always near and pleased, ameen. 


- in the name of Allah -

Just because fate has chosen something for you instead of you choosing it for yourself doesn’t mean it has to be bad. Even if it’s something you are sure you would never have chosen in a hundred years. Better ten days of love than years of regretting,’ ”

Just started Book 3 in WoT. It is amazing. Similarly to ASoIaF, though with its own quirks. One of these days I may stop posting random quotes, but I doubt it; it just resonates deeply. 

In not really relatedness, I regret not a step of the road I've been on in life, walhamdulillah. Sometimes one's own life can be seen in the semblance of a Pattern, with its own stylistic weaves and threads. Knowing where I am, where I've been, I would change nothing. If had not the past I have had, how else would shape the future that I seek of dreams in Firdaus? 


- in the name of Allah -

Death is lighter than a feather, duty heavier than a mountain.



- in the name of Allah -


What a strange thing to say,” Egwene said. “Why do they use it like that? Peace.”

When you have never known a thing except to dream,” Lan replied, heeling Mandarb forward, “it becomes more than a talisman.


- in the name of Allah -

 "a picture is worth a thousand words" - not even close

 I couldn't even begin to count them, adding up all the words that trace their lineage somehow back to the k. it'd be like taking a tally of sand grains on a beach...that extended for miles as far as eyes could see. the impact of before's and after's, like comets that came from nowhere but landed everywhere and left their mark in the middle of me. from a break so complete I couldn't even recognize my own pieces, to a re-made mirror so perfect every light shined off it simply seamless: I've known sadness that warped into despair and swallowed whole, and I've known hope that became the brightest and best wings ever known. --- so I can say, having tasted both sides of the coin, bitter and sweet: "A Picture is Priceless, only when it's a colored-red dream". 

Every so often I get an inkling to throw a pebble over this divide, see how far the ripples flow, get a sense of how times passes on the other side. I reckon if a few words could manifest themselves into such light and beauty, what then would something of length find? It could be a trap, Allah knows mistakes are easier to make when they're painted in all the right colors and shapes. 'Good intents' and all that, most likely. So I'll keep my pebbles here, by my side, building this mountain bit by bit, till I climb it with Allah's help all the way to Firdaus in Paradise. And when I find that gate, before the angel beckons salaam, around I'll glance for your visage, to crown it the diamond of my triumph's shade, and thus evolves dream from hope into simply true, to reignite the 'y' in 'you'.



- in the name of Allah -


"Your carneira wears part of your soul as a ribbon in her hair forever."

 Quite true.
- in the name of Allah -

My God, how beautiful this moon, how blessed I am to see things so far through. So round, so bright, water tears in falling, His bounty coming like rain I couldn't hold it all, gratitude pours forth a river all my life in making. My own efforts I swear they're but like ants or faded glass, ready to be crushed or shatter, at the tiniest push a house alone would never last. But He firms my foundation, reconciles my heart, patches the holes that my own infirmity starts. By God I wish I could give Him a speck of what He's given me, this light this road this everything I see, every angle every aspect doesn't matter where I look His gift encompasses, what do I show in turn? where does my response go? how can I repay, what I barely fathom, when I could never deserve any of it with my own deeds, my own futility shows itself and I wish I move toward Him ever close that even this sadness He conceals beneath the shade of thrones or trees. It's there, it's always been, Oh people passing through, God is calling, always He has, answer Him, His mercy, guidance, light, they're the best fruits of this life that otherwise is starved, unsated, never a moment but lies try to drown out truth. I envision the Garden, the place I hope to find, the bounty, the ridwaan from Allah, I have known no serenity more still, and I am one to embrace serenity as a rule. It is...guidance is, so utterly precious. My God, there is no comparison to submission. What it means to believe, to know one's place with respect to Allah, to know Allah's place over all else. Treasure belief, treasure it because we humanity are not the gift given to religion, it is the gift given for us. The second we think we are above it or need it not...so begins doom for the soul. And if the soul is lost, what else could there possibly be worth to gain? 
- in the name of Allah -

Autumn is such a beautiful season alh. Officially and by far my favorite. A fond farewell to winter, loved it when I was younger but cold has a way of stifling that's just as bad practically as it is conceptually. 

If I had to consider it, I would say it's the twin of spring. While the cold of winter contrasts perfectly with the heat of summer, the temperate though opposite nature of autumn and spring is something unique. They're alike in one hand, having much less extremity of temperature, yet flowing in different directions: one from death to life, the other of life fading to death.Truly it's the color that makes autumn what it is. Such a splendor mA, unmatched by any other time of year. 

Wish I had something else to pen too, but every time I come back here and read some of my recent posts, I often find that what I want to say has already been said. It's like having a glass in hand and thinking it's empty and needs to be filled, yet when I pick it up and look inside the glass, the water's always full. True there is always some repetition of words and themes throughout my writing, but I can't recall a time where I've been 'expressed out' just by reading something recent. I'll just have to find something more to picture here iA. 



- in the name of Allah -

Ya komla: whenever clouds come, the kind without rain, hold fast in patience, don't let the moment pass in vain. when days turn to mush, and seconds mimic agony of eons, breathe, recall the gardens green and lush. when the tongue begs to speak its piece, in ways untoward or from harm, then remind it of its place, putting on its leash. wherever you walk, whoever you meet, take with you the best of what you find, and the rest just leave. 

I still seek that eternity, the same I've always sought: one with our orbits close, where I've found with my Rabb, all which calms the heart.



- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah. The stark contrasts and ironies of life sometimes just really weigh on a person. As I discern something uplifting, almost right next to it is its quantum twin, spinning in totally opposite direction. One force to rise, call higher, the other a chain to keep held down, weighted. It could be one necessitates the other, that life cannot really go forward without these polar opposites always tugging on one's will. It is the qadr of Allah after all, to create things in pairs and cycles, alternating ease and hardship, action and then reaction, growth and decay. Alh not unsatisfied with it, just something to marvel at.

What if the thinker always thought but never dreamt, would he still be able to see what inside the heart was kept? what if wheels were spun without a car, would they mean as much if people could not travel far? what would the sun remain without the moon, would it leave the earth scorched with no shade to keep it cool?

Glad I am then, the thinker thought to dream, that his past is but a prologue, to shape from hope the best unseen. There's no U-turns on this road, no pauses or rewinds, forward is the only place worth going, with always memory in mind. 


- in the name of Allah -

Yeah, words may be wind, but they're how submission (with the tongue) begins, paving the way for truth and other beautiful things to make their way within. A heart could never find its place if it was only fed with lies, words need their own purity, so we can tell what's really darkness from what's actually light. I know words without actions are worse than wind, rather more like snakes without eyes only emptiness seeking and emptiness is all they can bring. Among my hopes with Allah is that to write these occasional beacons, signposts guiding forward amidst any less than stellar moments.

There's no container that can hold what's behind my words, so to my Rabb they run always, pleading and hoping, fearing His wrath by distance (from me) that could easily rend me back to nothingness again without emotion or feeling. I'd walked so long in the abysses, known their allure of dementor's kisses, soulless pits they were, trying to ever be emptied of anything for all I found back then was only pain in meaning. So it was pain that made me keep on going, but Allah said after every hardship comes ease, and so it could just as well have been a nightmare I woke from to consider now a pleasant dream: finding Allah always once more, so I take as victory whatever path for me He has in store.

With words I hope to capture light in a bottle, cork it quick and hold it close for as long as I'm able. Whenever the present gets darker or dimmer, I'll see the ship inside with a little sun shining in the corner, brightening the skies, reminding me it's just a journey I'm taking to find her.


- in the name of Allah -

If had a choice between having what I wanted most in dunya or in akhirah, there is no question what I would pick: akhirah, in Firdaus, every. single. time. 

By Allah it's amazing this personal reality I didn't fathom till now. The way I am, the way I look at things, the way the soul has always leaned, the answer to one of my history's most enduring puzzles literally feels like it just fell right into place. Surprising given that I'd already accepted and faced what Allah had decreed regardless, but this sort of retrospective in a moment in time where it only adds toward wanting to find my Rabb...is incomparable. To anything. 

Allah knows what people don't, sees what people can't, understands beyond our tiny scope. What beautiful a thing it is, to be able to find my self in complete resonance with a post from 09/02/05. It's akin to being a character in a story and not knowing what the author has in store, but eventually learning of that somehow anyway, like an orbit coming full circle. Wow what a road that was. Long as heck it seemed, such frequent and deep shades of darkness and gloom. But seriously, it was all worth it. It is all worth it. It always was worth it. It will always be worth it. Whether we see it from in front or behind along the stream of time, is irrelevant. WaAllahi this road is worth every moment. To find Allah again like this, in a way I'd forgotten in a younger self, to see purpose linked with past now tied to future, shaping these very moments I write this.....I could not have reached a single bit of it alone, had Allah left me to my own devices. It just couldn't have been, not even in the slightest, if He didn't help me, didn't watch over my wandering nature in a way that defies imagining. Without Allah I would have floundered and kept floundering in a mess of my own making, so it's only fitting that all gratitude and every shukr belongs to Allah entirely. Though my objective remains steady as ever, my purpose is Allah, as it was always to be. 


- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah. It's been a year since that day I looked outside at sunlight shining whitely. mA things have come so far in so little time. It never ceases to amaze me how cyclic and circuituitous life had been for me. What I sought I couldn't have, what I didn't want to seek was the way to go ahead. The layering of paradoxes in this is staggering. If I was me a year or two back, it would have only been something to add to the torment. 

But with that first glance, and following steps after it, alhamdulillah things are brighter. Of the deepest ironies, in what I swear is a ever-growing list of them as I get older, the reason I could go look ahead was because of what had partly rooted me backwards in the first place. The transformation of the "past folly" into my "end-goal hope" sums it up entirely. How do I truly express gratitude for that nudge forward, for the ability to let go of the past in a way so complete I'd never felt lighter in my life? Alhamdulillah is the obvious answer, and it has been said and will continue to be said for long as I remain iA, but what about to the one who played her part, said what came to her though it came in pieces? No 'thank you' is enough (thank you, anyway), not even 'jazakAllah khair' approaches (jazakAllah khair, still) the depth of what it meant to me. 

Though words fail, I guess I won't stop trying: When I reach for a star, I don't want to ever stop reaching, so long as I'm alive, so long as I'm breathing, it's a place I'm heading or a vision I'm seeing. Stay shining, always.


- in the name of Allah -

Risen - a counter to S. M.'s Fallen

Heaven hath no need to bend, for my knees can do the same,
Tranquil grace to keep the head held up high, to cool the eyes its rain.

I'm finding the answers now, to questions long since spoken,
Beseeching my Rabb for company, to keep straight the road I've chosen.

Barely now I've begun trying my best, finding light in midst of every stress,
Free from distraction's fences, after hardships to relish the ease and rest.

True, once the pain was so great, once the price so high I'd paid, 
I felt the whole road too twisted, so disllusion thrashed my soul in its wake.

Good intent indeed, the currency of fools, trying to spin from delusion truth,
A love too raw and young, a heart too untested even if still held true.

No doubt I'll carry always scars, wounds that took forever healing,
No doubt those glaciers etched their mark, to a point beyond reason or seeing.

But so much is this very moment worth, that to reach this point I'd run again,
In any direction needed, whether circles of marathons or ellipses of sprints. 

Ad inifitum even, if that is what it took, if it were in fact my fate, to arc around the stars, 
It'd matter not how long I had to wait, worth every second made, just to see the future from afar.

Redemption's always there for the seeking, a guidepost for the willing, a lifeline for the breathing,
Regardless what others might say, He alone decides to lift a soul from baseness into meaning.

As it is with all ships and seas, that which sinks can also find ways to float,
On journeys of tomorrow's breeze, desperate pleas abound, to hold onto always Allah's rope.
- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah. It's always nice to be able to look back and say the parts of ourselves that we'd rather keep are still there, or have been found again. Definitely holds true for me mA. The recovery process took quite a while, but this road is totally worth it, not to mention trying to fix up some old patches in the ground I walked behind me is like the least I can do. Also alh seems like I can now be around people, learn of difficult aspects of their life and things probably better left unlearned, and not be phased by them in the least. the concern is there, but it doesn't hit me like a comet of disillusion anymore. it dissipates in the atmosphere or never even makes it that close to my being. the hope is iA I've finally understood how to separate knowing 'of people' from empathizing with their state so deeply it could drag me in with it. whatever advice or listening is there to be done, is gonna be there iA. but the pull of my own road and purpose appears strong enough biithniAllah that it isn't swayed by them much at all. it feels a bit like being cold-hearted lol, but I suppose that is the price of some level of emotional immunity to the unending stream of life's external issues and temperaments. there are limits to which knowledge we should/want to find in life, just try to navigate them as level-headed as possible iA.


- in the name Allah -

It took awhile, but 2/25's post is no longer published. Should have thought of that sooner as an alternative to deletion, but as usual I'm late to the party. Man, so late lol. All's good though alh. The castles being worked on in Firdaus kinda worth the wait. Speaking of things worth the wait, hopefully it was/is all yellow on the other side of the river too iA.


- in the name of Allah -

/forward slash/
it doesn't matter how long I last, how many days fade to sand, blown away by winds of time, showing or hiding from me who I truly am. around every corner in my mind is a shade from the past carrying in her palm my future's hand. so long as the sap from this bark keeps bleeding, so long as these lungs still take in air, I'll keep on penning my words to ink, in hopes these paper planes help lift your soul ever higher There. there's no doubt I am a fool, juggling this balancing act between the heart and the rules, but this is the line I walk, trying to keep both today and tomorrow afloat while carving from eternity my eternal truth. and how could I walk such a path without thanking Allah in the first of places? He Who guides me back to His road all the times I stumble off witless and blind to what I own. the gift He gives is immense beyond all measure of pleasure or pain, reaching the core of things and giving strength to walk when of my self I'd rather let loose the dams and drown in pity's self-made waves. it was almost a year ago when I looked out my window at the sunlight shining whitely, beckoning then as it beckons still, as much purpose now as it is fulled to brim with hopes, tying me to submission's boat while travelling in the midst of stormy seas, an anchor for the soul so it might see Allah's promise in earnest known

Alhamdulillah now a year older and life marches onward in its inevitable progress. It's been rainy the past few days, just my kinda weather. 


- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah been a few weeks now, work progresses as normal. Routine, a step into normalcy, all positive things for the soul these days. Each day that passes is a little more proof I find of what I can be, existing within the realm of humanity far more than I ever have. I've learned to separate the basic essential need of a human being to work and have purpose from my old notions of resisting conformity. Honestly that perspective was nonsense, just another layer to my Defense Against the Worldly Arts (lol). Part of this existence we live in is about being able to survive that experience, and for me, to find niches where I can thrive and slowly exhale my vision from its shackles. 

It's one of the primary ways I can prove not only to myself but to Allah the kind of substance that I am made of. He knows way better than me obviously, but for the kind of reward I want, for the loftiness His ridwaan encompasses, simple superficial adhering to moral principles won't cut it. Action has to be moulded out of that old ether, taking ideal and trying to manifest it as often as I can, as well as I can. 

While my body walks the earth, my soul often finds itself gazing ahead. A best friend of mine asked me the other day, when I caught up with him after years of self-isolation, "is that enough?" as to my goals in the afterlife. Before I analyze the question, I have to marvel at how awesome it is to know people, who after mere minutes of talking can wipe away what seems like decades of absence in a heartbeat. How beautiful a brother's bond, when I had tried to let go of it for so long. mashaAllah. Back to the question, it is something that I will need to carry with me for as long as I live. It'll need to be asked, every so often, if only to challenge my inner self with enduring in a way it never has before, of retaining a vision that dunya consistently tries to evaporate. As with much these days, I'll turn to Allah and seek in the question and His 'ibada some certitude of my own direction, of the steps I want to take, of the end I want to find. For an immaterial person like me, I don't think there can be a more substantial goal than to find the like of what's already formed my core since before I was born. Trying to get back the Garden, like we knew it way way back when, iA. 


- in the name of Allah -

by the Will of Allah...

..some day I'll find the earth beneath my grave, my home, cool and soft to touch what with all the deeds I gave. I'll look back on this long road I walked, how strange was its surface paved, to be so pebbled rough, revealing at last from thorns the rose I'd always sought. among the lessons learned, of that when blessings lost, to still push ever forward, despite that which left its mark; to seek not just for its own sake reward, but because Allah alone makes a path full and whole, a draft to rise in awe, ever skyward. so all I needed, all there was I found, His lift to take my wings, above and off that ground, like hearts in rhythmic beat, flying on, one a bit ahead but mine not far behind, until Firdaus gleamed beneath our feet.

Ameen, inshaAllah


- in the name of Allah - 

Alhamdulillah, what a beautiful Eid today. Among other things that I've been slowly reconstructing as of late, being at Eid was near top of the list. I can't recall how long it'd been since I felt the simple joy of it, though for sure having a good khateeb had a lot to do with that (3rd prayer ftw). Reminders all around, a bright sunny day to match one's inner hue. Really I can't say alhamdulillah enough times. I'm not normally one to carry an uplifting air, but when it's this beautiful and perfect of a day, there's no other choice but to resonate in kind. Got to the masjid early/on time, got out easy as pie, I don't think it's possible to script a better sequence of events than that alhamdulillah. 

A big "Eid Mubarak!!" to all my homies in the streets [:


- in the name of Allah -


some times, when I awa ken, some times, when I arise,
I might just see, the color red, fa ding through my eyes. 

like I had no lids, saw from it all, just answers as I try. 
no more wandering, an end to salty streams, with ducts un-dry. 

Allah knows my staff, that all purpose use ful tool, 
an aid of every nomad, extracting from this mirage, its truth.

my star burns not alone, nor to lost mass its orbit decayed, 
its twin lives again: with blazing light shone, to the way back home. 




- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah. Started a job few days ago, first time in a long time. There is a certain beauty and resolve that routine and purpose can create, it's really about time I embraced it. In doing so, trying to overcome my previous limitations, misconceptions. There is a road to be forged out of it, out of the grind and discipline and hustle. Firdaus won't be had so easily as I was taking it before, the path towards such a thing is filled with hardship and acceptance of difficult things. Subjugating one's nafs, making one's will like iron in the face of time and distance and any number of uncertainties that can arise. All of these are processes on the way I'm hoping to find Allah at the end of. So much for me to know from Him, so much to ask. There is a light here, in front of me. Has been there, probably even in my darkest moments over the decades, where I could see nothing else. The one who won't be named is always the one who will be sought, among the reasons and sources and essences of things looked forward to. I wouldn't be here otherwise, wouldn't have accepted otherwise, wouldn't have *wanted* anything otherwise. But Allah willed it so, and the path was made. Within every prayer, every nawafil, at the heart of every action there is a trace of the path inside it. An origin, a journey, a destination. Connecting all these, a knowledge that only by finding Allah and having Him pleased with me is the only way I will ever be whole. Shards and fragments once scattered are quite easy for Him to remake: kun, fa ya-kun. The simplicity that leads me to slavehood to Allah, I should have seen it from a gajillion miles away. But life distracts as easy as breath comes to the living. Alhamdulillah for having all these chances I have to notice this particular truth, again and again. May Allah let me not die except that I become a slave He loves, a slave whose wish He wants to fulfill, a slave who becomes worthy of His worship in the first place, ameen ya Rabb. 


- in the name of Allah -

sometimes echoes can be like scissors or storms, cutting aside indifferences and apathies to claim a crown no matter how far its been worn. sometimes the cuts are straight and at others jagged, sometimes the metal pulls the fabric so hard it runs the fiber ragged. sometimes the clouds carry hail and at other times rain, sometimes it softly pelts the skin so the message reaches the brain. my sum is but an echo trapt in amber, a waiting patient for his dua to find their answer. 


- in the name of Allah -

I cannot hold it, it cannot be held, 
A coal without heat, a hand without help.

I cannot taste it, it has no flavor, 
A fruit without seed, a sermon without savor.

I cannot see it, it escapes from sight, 
A bulb without filament, a scope without light. 

I cannot hear it, it cannot be heard,
A bird without song, a grief without word. 

I cannot smell it, it cannot be inhaled,
A cinnamon without spice, an ocean without a sail.

Yet all senses kneel, to the heart & what's inside, 
Known as Memory, that which outlives time. 


- in the name of Allah -

words, my failing, an essence, opening, and caving, wandering, unsteadied, abated, yesterdays, tomorrows, glancing, poignant, pervading, incisive, gripless, unknowns, unsated.

Among the simplest questions that stay buzzing in my ears, welcome bees to honey neither worries nor fear, is just this single phrase, trying every so often a way to answer, playing on loop for all my days- how are you? 



- in the name of Allah -

Over the last few days:


clouds came by earlier today, bringing rivulets of rain to stream down my face;
it was nice to see some things unchanged, a simple joy to remember when it rains.

scattered often is a twinless aim, amidst the wind and sound of fallen rain, 
only wisps of vapor rise, grasping straws by errant paws, to catch a truth before its lyse:

though every downpour must end some day, and every river in due course will run dry
a prism of yours always perpetual remains, to bring forth from every storm a rainbow sky.


- in the name of Allah -

It's been one of the rare times lately, where various rhymes and couplets and poetics have stirred or come randomly to mind in the past few days. Not sure which of them to pick out of the pot and start cooking with. How do I tell if one stream of thought is more worth being written than another? Maybe the simplest route is to not choose any and instead take something right off the top and see where it ends..
following the string, see where it leads, words become wings, though not quite something that breathes. soaring high into clouds, almost beyond sight or scope, company rarefied all around, for this the birthplace of hope. enmities and envies, evils and emptiness, such concerns vanish as levies, overthrown by thunderstorms that wash away regret. though faith waxes and wanes, like the breeze of sunny days, always behind is what truth remains, cleansing the soul by snow and hail and rain. among the pillars in prose that persist, red is by far the color for the heart, a ventricle without equal it's known if one carefully listens, to the beating that won't ever stop once it starts.


- in the name of Allah -

a Ramadan in passing, don't be so quick to leave, let me see your brilliance, no matter where the heart may flee. so much to find of subtle wisdoms and truths, days take eons to pass but the night and its prayer passes in a blink, almost overdue. sometimes imaan is like sand running through the fingers, an hourglass already emptied with soon the bones to follow and wither, wish I could hold it all together in one place and moment, before the paint dries on this canvas and my soul gets delivered. of edges and angels, falling over or shaded by ambiance in ample, every second becomes a fork in the road, determined to reveal the consequence of what was spent, at the end of what we all sow. 


- in the name of Allah -

Began reading ASoIaF a few days ago, it's quite beautifully written and a captivating story. Kinda expected given the intricacy of the TV show made from it, but there are always some things a based-on-book production can't encapsulate because of content and time constraints. It's strange, though I'm in the middle of the first book, I know the futures of some characters from the show, and it's like looking through a portal back in time, seeing (and refining) how they came to be who they are in the story's present. Just like with LOST, ty. 

Among the most particularly relevant quotes (and it's got tons) : "...and a mind needs books as a sword needs a whetstone, if it is to keep its edge." So true this is. It has been too long since I recall the days when reading was enjoyable, no doubt there are parts of me along the seams still there waiting to be found. 


- in the name of Allah -


While desi culture has some positive aspects, this backwards shit just needs to fade into history; truly pitiful and disgusting and abhorrent that human beings can still think and act like this. Similar to the "honor" killings article I recall posting a long time back, same story and little's changed from society's perspective. How do people who do this justify themselves in front of Allah? in front of their family/friends/neighbors? Is human life worth so little compared with a parent's 'dignity/respect' that they would sacrifice them for it? Perhaps it is easier to kill the women/females who go against tradition because they weren't born male? ...

And then so many of Pakistan's religious groups "protest" against the amendment which outlaws violence against women...seriously....VIOLENCE...against women. What the fuck are these "religious" idiots thinking? Do they not understand an iota of the sunnah of the Nabi (saw)? How is it so difficult for today's people to understand the kind of laws they need, in order to be prevented from their own stupidity and ignorance? I really didn't need more reasons to reinforce my misanthropy about people..

It's unfortunate to be posting something so dour, but Ramadan began a few days ago; it was supposed to be a happier time. Alhamdulillah I got to see it, and iA make it better than Ramadans of recent memory - duas always needed but especially in blessed times.


- in the name of Allah -

Among the times I go back through some of my older posts here and reading the comments people left, one thing really struck me: so often a compliment or admiration they'd write...but you know what? That wasn't at ALL what I was looking for in those posts. So much of what I reflected then was the pain of my history, yet for many onlookers, this was...a curiosity, a thing to admire, like a painting of a holocaust on a museum wall that's looked at with admiration/respect for the artistry - but the response to it is utterly devoid and non-reflective of the actual adversity being represented within it. Such a casual, roundabout way of thinking some people have, they can see pain, obvious or cloaked, and comment happily to have read it, lending no word of commiseration or dua or advice/guidance. That's not to say some didn't leave good advice, they did. But it was really amazing to notice, in the big picture of things, how different was what went into writing a post and the kinds of replies it lead to. Strange but true, c'est la vie.

Onwards, flying to more pleasant thoughts-

walking slowly, blindfolds there and still just enough tight, the pace is steady but their holding, to the side lush greens and gardens, palms of trees laden in fruit leaning over to yield their produce at ripest beck and calling. through the shade of centuries, pass we by mere seconds as if walking on a carpeted breeze, there's things ahead I need to show but only for one to see. perhaps I'll begin my brush's stroke with the waterfall cascades, at its base we sit to relish the mist, taking in rivers of milk and honey and the finest champagne, things to drink not for thirst but pleasure's purpose only and first, gifts from our Creator well-pleased and in front of us His promises dispersed. we haven't even reached our mansions or their thrones, perches fit for seekers and the sought, when our mates from balconies above call us home, to laugh and smile and relish in all the mercy from our Rabb we could ever want or know.
an eternal springtime of the spotless minds, here coalesces hope from fruit into wine. 


- in the name of Allah - 

May Allah make it easy for me, and all those who seek Him, to find over and over their patience, and make the waiting game of this dunya an easy pill to swallow, ameen. 


- in the name of Allah -

not every night's sky sparkles in stars, sometimes there's much wind or dust or clouds to cover them from vision afar. but even as that light may not been seen, it doesn't mean they've stopped shining, rather a moment in darkness is gleaned, to find where this long road becomes not straight but winding. these moments exist for hearts to be opened, seeking and pleading to Allah for all troubles and hopes, that need for Him keeps them truly alive and beating.


- in the name of Allah -

From Surah Ali-Imraan, near end of ayah 101. It's rough translation:

"..and whoever would hold onto Allah for dear life, then he has been guided to the straight path (upward)". 

Sometimes, many times, in fact pretty much all the time, this is the kind of the desperation we need to have. Just like the parable of the ship in a stormy sea, at constant risk of drowning or falling off the ship, the key is to hold onto Allah's anchor, His rope, His everything, as firmly as we possibly can. If left alone to my own devices, without a doubt there would be nothing for me, anywhere, ever. But with Allah, with His help, His guidance, every other difficulty in the universe seems tiny, all else just fades away. Doesn't matter where one came from, we had better remember our end is to Allah; there is Him and there is nothing else.


- in the name of Allah -

the Torch

even after centuries pass, even after stone crumbles to dust,
some things still last, built upon in Allah's trust.

even as solo drums sound, even amidst a crowd a tune is played,
some truth always comes around, to the source where light is made.

even as memories from mind may fade, even after an alternate is taken,
some torches always lit remain, without oxygen or fuel yet still sustain. 

- - - - - 

my words are feeble, their echoes of emotion swept away by wind, too many things felt too soon, so many times lost of how it all to begin. old corridors are sealed, their tragedies endured, the things now escaping are what tomorrow felt or healed. but it's not quite their time yet, not quite their place, not this crime can they abet, while knowing still what present I face. some detours are longer than others, for sure, but end in destination all the same: to find again the onion's cure.


- in the name of Allah -

So to put a recent thought process into form:

Sometimes I wonder if anyone else can see the clear skies on any given night, if stars sparkle for any other person's eyes besides mine. Across various bridges and divides, I try to reach some people or places or prize over time, only to be recalled back to this present, so well-confined. Still a part of me wants to join the avian race, grow wings and feathers to balance the effect of time by quickly contracting space, who needs rocket ships when one has imagination leaping with a heart out of place? Alas, all fruits have their season, both in planting and in reaping, a path of patience for one of breathless breathing. 


- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah for all the good one ever finds in life. Indeed, I am pleased with Allah as my Rabb, with Islam as my religion, and with Muhammad (sallaAllahu 'alaihi wa sallim) as my Messenger and my Prophet. 

I wish it were possible to write into words the kind of reasons I have to be grateful to Allah, even to grace the depth behind what I owe Him. The ones I love and am separate from, this parting is not for long iA. For every such person, each is a sign for me pointing back to Allah, reminding me of things so precious, that even as they may have been a reason for pain once, it is no longer so: all of it, every event, every persons and person, it's all simply an echo toward my Rabb.

Oh my people, take to heart 'fasbir sabaran jameela', the guidepost for the ones seeking Allah. 


- in the name of Allah -

Seas of Vapidity

like a fish in the ocean, fighting the currents, trying to keep its gills open, water neither salty nor fresh, buoyancy out of step, to stave off the depths,
darkness upon darkness, each call within the heart, running through flesh,

a candlelit vigil softly tempered, clear above deck, held by one Anchor's stead,
making that ship like earth, so might evolve the fish, into blessing its curse. 



- in the name of Allah -

Among the more interesting articles I come across, this one seemed worth bringing up, via BBC. In it, I found a quote to be very relevant and poignant to the current climate:

"If there's something that frightens me about Holocaust remembrance it's the recognition of the nauseating processes that occurred in Europe in general, and particularly in Germany, back then - 70, 80 and 90 years ago - and finding signs of them here among us today in 2016," the deputy chief of staff said on Wednesday.

"There is, after all, nothing easier and simpler than hating the foreigner... arousing fears and terrifying." - Maj-Gen Yair Golan, military deputy chief of staff in Israel

Not only does the quote itself evoke truth, after all what modern society has not used 'fear of the Other' to some degree in its propaganda and media outlets, but the response by Israeli PM Netanyahu to immediately criticize and denounce what was said as "outrageous" and an "injustice to Israeli society and cause a belittling of the Holocaust" just goes to show how far leaders in power will go to deny the truth when it even comes from within a society itself. To any objective person, the Maj-General's words are spot on; Israeli society today is using xenophobia to help drive its campaign against not only Palestine but really, any entity in global society that disagrees with the actions of the Israeli government. Such disagreements often end up being labeled as "anti-Semitic" by the Israeli establishment, when often there is no underlying sentiment except simple disagreement of politics and methods (though there is usually nothing 'simple' in politics ever, especially politics of the Mid-East variety). This catch-all defense doesn't do anything except perpetuate the carte blanche that Israel acts with. Where are the checks and balances? Where are the reasonable voices of moderation within the Israeli population? No doubt being stifled by the ones in power, seeking as usual to dominate and cast their words as the only strain of truth. If Israeli society truly wants to seek peace, then it must learn that it cannot do so while it considers Palestinians and 'gentiles' as enemies or outsiders. Bullets and guns and tanks can only go so far, the battle for the heart can only be won with earnest actions and words, not deceit or obfuscation.


- in the name of Allah -


rises and falls, from empires to market stalls, where does one wanderer fit amidst the chaos and thrall? even now as I can gaze across time, seeing past mistakes and follies in their prime, life presents few gifts not masquerading as delusion decadently sweet or denial doused in lime. so thus I preserve in bulletproof cases, all ideals from both past and future, against enemies both obvious and nameless. sometimes I wish I could be free to care as fully and want as wholly as I did then, but loss is a tricky thing - a serpent without skin, slithering its way inside, trying to betroth one's soul to sin. many times I've fought, many times I'd lost, but Allah kept my breath going, allowing me the moment to see at last what was worth owning: Gardens of bliss, underneath which, are so many rivers flowing. 


- in the name of Allah -

In my past, there was a long period of time where I used to literally hate any idea of qadr/fate/etc, basically any notion that outlined the lack of control human beings have used to be a thorn in my side.

As to why that is the case, it's fairly obvious: who doesn't like being in control of where they go in life? On the surface, no one wants to have their existence go in a direction of someone else's choosing. Had any individual the choice, the most common inclination would be to choose their path for him/her-self. 

Alhamdulillah, I can say that is no longer the case. Within the past few months, I reached the realization that to hate on such notions as qadr and the like, would be to hate on something Allah Himself decreed. Honestly I could conceive of nearly nothing worse than for one to hate something like that..it puts a human being in the unenviable and disastrous position of being opposed to something Allah put into place. Other than shirk, I don't there is anything more full of ingratitude than this. How could I hope to get closer to Allah, have my prayers accepted, anything like that, if I held on to this idea from my past? I don't need to love qadr/etc, but I have come to neutral terms with it alhamdulillah. There is too much in life, in things that have happened and are happening, that one cannot fully grasp, so to hate on something because it outside of my purview is just straight foolish. 

Maybe the simplest root cause for this development is the deeper understanding that Allah does what He wills, and I can't be upset with that. Especially not if I'm trying to seek His ridwaan, to continue like I was previously would be a super-contradiction. inshAllah in time, it will become possible for me to love whatever Allah decrees, whether good or otherwise. This way my connection to Him can be more stable and my own being more impervious to lesser influences. May Allah help me on this journey, and help me to help my ummah along the way similarly, ameen. 


- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah, what a week of ups and downs. Been back in the states for barely 7 days and I can't recall a time quite like it. 

Maybe the most important thing, my eldest uncle passed away this past Monday morning around Fajr time (inna lilAllahi wa inna ilaihi raaji'un) after suffering a stroke on the previous Friday. I knew him somewhat well, he was the only uncle I saw right before leaving for pak in early March, wished me well and was superhappy for me. Turns out it would be the last time I'd see him alive. Hadha qadrAllah wa ma shaa'a fa'ala. Feelings regarding this were hard to pin down. Maybe a deep sadness that I couldn't bring into words, but strangely enough I was quite happy at seeing so many relatives at the hospital and then at the janazah that I hadn't seen in years and decades, and some I'd never even seen prior to that. Of course lot of duas went out for them, especially for my uncle. Thought a few times about what it'd be like to lose my parents in front of me...don't think I would be sane after that personally...I imagine that moment as the worst possible earthquake a heart can feel, torrents of sadness and tears crashing one after the other. No doubt that time is something I never want to happen but it will come. I just hope Allah helps prepare me for it, ameen. 

Among the secondary happenings, had a few ups and downs in lessons learned from being married and how that whole thing goes. Funnily (and expected I guess) enough I got advice and stories I never heard before from my bros and good friend about their marriage. Seems like the troubles I face aren't anything new! Alhamdulillah for past experiences from others and my own to let me know things aren't ever as bad as they might seem in the moment. Just grow past them all with sabr and keep looking at tomorrow. Haven't forgotten a thing about the past, also alhamdulillah. It sheds its light when necessary and needed, when the present times get troubled and grow dim, alhamdulillah. The road I seek is my Rabb's Siraat. May He make it easy for me and my ummah and all my beloved to follow, easily and with grace, ameen ya Rabb-al-'alamin.


- in the name of Allah -

interesting how words can behave like beggars with daggers, small lightweight easy to throw and leave cuts like veins in a leaf that got its heart shredded and scattered. I know well how far such a small event matters, forgotten in a few weeks as though nothing ever happened, but still the scars remain in a memorable pattern, wed newly but seems like an ancient battle being fought endlessly soaked in blood and hazard. recourse the same as it ever was to return and reflect, seeking my Allah's help in the place of any mortal stead, grant me what I need to resume the course and my good end protect, iA. 


- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah, I am now married. For now it still seems somewhat strange, but I figure in time one gets used to the idea.

After the hectic drama of the early stages in getting things ready, to the latter tediousness of meeting a gazillion relatives I had little desire to meet, the matter is settled. Along with it, a certain strand of disquiet I had felt over the years is also resolved. Alhamdulillah for that too. My wife wasn't what I expected, which is to say she far exceeded what I could have thought by a mile. But then I had no idea what to expect, having never been married before and for the longest time not creating for myself any expectations down that road (better said as expectations for any road, but my past already attests to that). 

We talked about so many things, much about our past experiences. I brought up some very tricky/delicate topics that, alhamdulillah entirely, I am very glad to say eventually went over well. Being who I am, I want to be able to share and evoke my emotions/thoughts with people I care about, and especially more so with the woman I married. At first, my wife wanted me to forget the past, but me being me, I tried to give my perspective that there was nothing in my past that brought me pain. On the contrary, I could look back on everything that I went through, the people and person I met and got to know, and then say with perfect clarity that it was a source of light for me, a happiness that I got to find what I did, that I traveled the road I was on to feel what I felt, growing and learning through everything, by the grace of Allah every step of the way. As I mentioned to her, my past, all of my experiences, help define who I am and I would never choose to simply 'delete' them. 

Conventional wisdom says that some things are better left forgotten, but for me, as to that which Allah allows me to remember, there, in it all, I've found only good for me, leaving me with only gratitude that my Rabb guided me through it and didn't abandon me to my own devices no matter how many times my emotion wanted to drown me. This road has not been easy, but it is totally worth it: to be able and willing to empathize with another, to touch another soul and find a resonance that I can recall, knowing how in future others might feel and being a temperance for the people I meet, all of these things my past has been critical to honing. Maybe perhaps the biggest thing I learned from the sum of it all has been to remember tawakkul and relying on Allah, in all things. No matter what dark moments I come across, what annoyances or tragedies show up, that is my fallback, my support, my help, my sustenance- hasbiAllahu wa ni'mal-Wakil. Especially through times I'd rather not have felt anything, Allah helped me stick to it.What does one who relies on his Rabb have to fear? Nothing except Him, and even then, it is a fear borne out of not wanting to lose connection to Allah, of wanting to be pleased with Him and having Him be pleased with me. InshAllah, this is the road I travel, that I may find Allah's ridwan with me when the Last Day comes, that I may find in His gardens all the beauty and solace and truth that I have always sought, Ameen