- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah been a few weeks now, work progresses as normal. Routine, a step into normalcy, all positive things for the soul these days. Each day that passes is a little more proof I find of what I can be, existing within the realm of humanity far more than I ever have. I've learned to separate the basic essential need of a human being to work and have purpose from my old notions of resisting conformity. Honestly that perspective was nonsense, just another layer to my Defense Against the Worldly Arts (lol). Part of this existence we live in is about being able to survive that experience, and for me, to find niches where I can thrive and slowly exhale my vision from its shackles. 

It's one of the primary ways I can prove not only to myself but to Allah the kind of substance that I am made of. He knows way better than me obviously, but for the kind of reward I want, for the loftiness His ridwaan encompasses, simple superficial adhering to moral principles won't cut it. Action has to be moulded out of that old ether, taking ideal and trying to manifest it as often as I can, as well as I can. 

While my body walks the earth, my soul often finds itself gazing ahead. A best friend of mine asked me the other day, when I caught up with him after years of self-isolation, "is that enough?" as to my goals in the afterlife. Before I analyze the question, I have to marvel at how awesome it is to know people, who after mere minutes of talking can wipe away what seems like decades of absence in a heartbeat. How beautiful a brother's bond, when I had tried to let go of it for so long. mashaAllah. Back to the question, it is something that I will need to carry with me for as long as I live. It'll need to be asked, every so often, if only to challenge my inner self with enduring in a way it never has before, of retaining a vision that dunya consistently tries to evaporate. As with much these days, I'll turn to Allah and seek in the question and His 'ibada some certitude of my own direction, of the steps I want to take, of the end I want to find. For an immaterial person like me, I don't think there can be a more substantial goal than to find the like of what's already formed my core since before I was born. Trying to get back the Garden, like we knew it way way back when, iA.