- in the name of Allah -


Alhamdulillah. Started a job few days ago, first time in a long time. There is a certain beauty and resolve that routine and purpose can create, it's really about time I embraced it. In doing so, trying to overcome my previous limitations, misconceptions. There is a road to be forged out of it, out of the grind and discipline and hustle. Firdaus won't be had so easily as I was taking it before, the path towards such a thing is filled with hardship and acceptance of difficult things. Subjugating one's nafs, making one's will like iron in the face of time and distance and any number of uncertainties that can arise. All of these are processes on the way I'm hoping to find Allah at the end of. So much for me to know from Him, so much to ask. There is a light here, in front of me. Has been there, probably even in my darkest moments over the decades, where I could see nothing else. The one who won't be named is always the one who will be sought, among the reasons and sources and essences of things looked forward to. I wouldn't be here otherwise, wouldn't have accepted otherwise, wouldn't have *wanted* anything otherwise. But Allah willed it so, and the path was made. Within every prayer, every nawafil, at the heart of every action there is a trace of the path inside it. An origin, a journey, a destination. Connecting all these, a knowledge that only by finding Allah and having Him pleased with me is the only way I will ever be whole. Shards and fragments once scattered are quite easy for Him to remake: kun, fa ya-kun. The simplicity that leads me to slavehood to Allah, I should have seen it from a gajillion miles away. But life distracts as easy as breath comes to the living. Alhamdulillah for having all these chances I have to notice this particular truth, again and again. May Allah let me not die except that I become a slave He loves, a slave whose wish He wants to fulfill, a slave who becomes worthy of His worship in the first place, ameen ya Rabb.