-in the name of Allah-

I went to the masjid for the first time in a long time, and slowly the soul rises again. Although this life is a depression, theres too much hope in truth to ever let it get one down for long, as long one keeps the mind open and the heart forgiving.

In short, the sum of these past fews in regards to the mountain of fate:

I looked down the barrel of life and hoped a wish down that narrow tunnel, knowing deep down it'd come back at me, sadly, it didn't kill me like expected, only made me a little stronger and tougher, singin a bluer song to evoke how one's suffered.

Ah well, life surpasses the sticks and stones thrown in our dreams' glass houses.


-in the name of Allah-

days of the morrow no longer follow the footsteps of the past, every thing once built faces a moment where it may no longer last. the moon is beautiful to behold, but even it must set and give way to the sun's bright shining and thus be overthrown. man plans and plots and does this to the best of his means, thinking he can sway his destiny and mold it into his dreams. but painful is that lesson which teaches, that although we may try to perfection, the true control and purpose of life remain beyond our reaches. today is not yesterday, it is the forefront of tomorrow, a day founded upon what has past- both the happiness and sorrow. i've seen the lure of dissappointment, the pull of dissillusion, the fall of despair, all of these have spoken to me, and led me to a desolate nowhere. it is my blessing from Him received, that i tread those paths in times defined, and not let my eternity away slowly bleed. color i've sought, and color it shall be had, whether it be of my own choosing or something of a better path. so while i spend these days colorless, my future i move towards, for there is no where else to go but a place yet un-roamed.


-in the name of Allah-

"..and if this life kills us, death will unite us."

-Khalil Gibran, Broken Wings


-in the name of Allah-

Though a part of me runs away from even wanting to think of you because of the pain it might bring, a part of me will always be running, maybe in circles, to be closer to you because its the only home in a human's heart I've ever known. I don't know what lies in tomorrow the sheathed sword or sheathed wound, it could be I find my way around again to a place and a time not too soon. My biggest fault is impatience and sometimes I fear it might set me to rigidity in lacking diligence, but the back yard in my mind steadily knows Allah is there and I have a purpose, a purpose unfulfilled yet prominent. The skies can be gray or clear, the weather cloudy or shining, it seems the moments my mind is aware are to be treasured, a meaning and end for the searching and finding. I escape many times and and don't seem to be about them distressed, it's because apathy is a lonely widowed mother, who cares for any child regardless of whether that care will either help or harm beget. It's ironic to me how I should have my thoughts trail back to you, at some time, for some reason, in some way, and this should make me presently aware of the state of my life; in another time I would have thought that nothing short of my wants could be enough to keep hope and meaning in sight. Of course, such a nothing exists as something, a something in the being of you, you who remind me of my God, my one and only Allah on whose earth I trod and whose body I have borrowed only to give it back some day tomorrow. My soul is a strained creature, seeking light it begs to be in shade of shadow to run from fame and the shallow, but in return for this apparent virtue it binds itself to nothing, and cares naught for any's due. I have dwiddled and daddled with all these words a picture shaping to be a little blurred, but let me explain to refrain from becoming absurd. Should you ever thirst for peace or water or comfort or want or fate or life or solace or relief, and I am capable of hearing or seeing or thinking or moving or breathing or being, I'll send you a paper plane with my soul engraved perhaps and perchance helping you be free and happy and content and fulfilled and with serenity instilled. They say paper planes are weak, fragile, subject to winds and other elements affecting the meek, but I disagree, for when and if that paper airplane can carry your soul, if not along with body and whole, then at least partially in dreams to a place where truth and justice evenly unfold.


-in the name of Allah-

There was a fence that needed overstepping, over it I have stepped. There is a sea that needs traversing, across it I have traversed. Though no lyric nor rhyme could fully encompass my purpose, I know peace at last, though peace is not always hurtless.


-in the name of Allah-

I've bordered on heresy these past few days, bordered on the thin line between heaven and hell, the thin line between black and white, between fury and recognition. My choices are non-existent, my pain plenty, my love scattered, my ambition in need of CPR. You were part of the reason why I awoke again to life. You are part of the reason why I want to be asleep once more. Now, all I know is that I am alive, and that you will be khush. I made a dua before, more recently that is, that should the best path for you not be with me, let Allah guide you to it anyway. What a pain, loss, madness, it has been knowing that perhaps, I may not be your destiny. I will never truly let the idea of you go. I hope you leave me to the fishes. The ultimate sacrifice that can be made for a love I will make, have made, am making. That sacrifice is to let you take that path Allah decrees for you, and let you take it in peace. This is why I am better left forgotten, better left to the birds, better left as six feet under. To torment you or my self further by mentioning how much one cares is futile; it avails neither of us anything.

Should it be so that your present state amounts to nothing, and a possibility opens that you may be approached, I do not think I could do so. How could I risk losing you again, having had you barely for a whisper, barely for a moment's thread? The pain would kill me. As it is, I want to let go, to spare you and be spared of this, of loss, of what it is to lose that connection, that meaning that so few ever come to know. We may meet in another life, though I will admit I count on nothing while knowing my fatalistic, self-destructive state of mind. You may reach the farthest points of heaven, while I may be lost in the middle of nowhere.

In the midst of all my words is a submission, ultimately this submission is to Allah's will. I have known no worse pill, no more painful dose to swallow other than this, but if I must, then I will. My conscious and my heart cannot overcome the truth of Allah, the truth of my faith, and to it I must hold firm. Though currently I tread in stormy seas, I pray yours will forever be a gentle, fair brook.

Ma'asalaam (with peace),


-in the name of Allah-

It seems for every step I take forward, I take two back. I think that happens when the problem of one's life is so great that it becomes a distraction to consume all the worthier causes in life. At some point, I need to get married. Yes. It can be that simple, if I lived in another dimension. But what I want is split into pieces, a bit of it here, a bit of it there, none of it somewhere. Before I get married, I must be employed. To that end, I think I will do ok, inshAllah. Now as for to whom, my fate will be decided soon enough, perhaps sooner than I bargain for.

An aside...

I don't know if you hurt because of me or if I have anything to do at all with what happens in your life, but I know the pain your words express is enough to level me equally with the ground. Suffice it to say if the sun never rose again I could see your light from the ends of the galaxy.



That makes little sense. I could eat until I've enough for years but that couldn't take my mind away from what it is that my heart in secret fears.

Again, sporadic bursts of asdfaskfasjdfhldsjaf.

Good day.


-in the name of Allah-

So here I am. I've known this place before. It's a little cold, a little deserted, a little nowhere. Why I'm here I'm not sure. It could be the potential of loss. It could be betrayal of the only thing I've ever known. Of course betrayal is only for this life. After we die it's all truth and nothing but. I have few thoughts these days. The pc occupies my time. RPG and FPS games induce a mindlessness numbing. They take away the thoughts that bring pain. I think my nature is reactionary. That is why I am how I am. Where do I go from here? In another life I wanted to be married. Now I don't know where I am. School is an afterthought. Friends are foregone. Existence is tempered by my own reality. Do I rise or fall? I made a prayer to Allah once. If I should live to see a worse time may He let me die before then. May be I'll survive. Left with what? Remnants of myself and what I believed? Among the men alive I am the most foolish. Foolish to think thought could dictate action. Foolish to think that I can rise above myself when the world is my antithesis.

The only thing I know: I am alive.


-in the name of Allah-

With the arrival of internet after a prolonged absence, things seem to mellow out again. There's little concern left for much anything, I guess something called apathy. A self defense mechanism, apathy can be helpful in small doses but dangerous when overused. Anyway, I need to write something for some reason..

sick of the idiots and imitators, the world seems to be full of marathon runners livin on defribillators. i could be myself a million times over inside and out and my example would only gain dust instead of amounting to anything substantial like trust. people don't learn on the average so that's probably why i'm hoping for a prodigy to be born from from the mist of where so many ships have been led amiss. i care and i dont and i speak and i wont, i live and i die and i wonder not why but how the world can close its eyes to the blatant truths and blatant lies. i don't demand answers for ignorance has no reply, but i still can't seem to prod the sheep brains into being a little better than what's already ordained. some might decry my words as claims to perfection but i have no pedestal to seek glory or praise so their claims are based on thin air and tainted with jealousy's shade. people want glory and power and money and fame and acclaim to title and status in clouds either nimble or stratus but i'm a grounded root who's offshoot is buried in truth. i'd rather love once and have lost than to never have loved like those fools who think they know but really to them its just about show. i've looked into my pits and seen the chains of my soul, seen them so well and defined they almost sliced me into half from when i whole but still i realize and can't lose sight of the end of this life- living to be a little more deserving of Allah and His mercy wherever death finds me in its grip of finality unrelenting.




-in the name of Allah-

Notice: I now have internet, alhamdulillah. >_<