- in the name of Allah -

The past month has been busier for me personally than the past year. Imagine that.

Alhamdulillah, some things that were my lifelong obstacles have been mainly overcome, namely: I now have a job, alh again. Those things are hard to come by these days, and I am fortunate to be one who is not in dire straights and yet has still acquired a certain measure of stability.

However, I find that certain elements of my persona are clashing with one another. I am at heart one who loves silence and contemplation, and often times this is done by being alone. On the other hand, I love conversing with people to find out what they know and how they feel and to read them as they are, things which usually require one to be around people, and frequent conversation. These 2 things appear as a paradox: how might they be resolved? Advice will be given much reflection iA.

Once I have recharged my batteries, I'll come back here to post something of my poetics iA.


- in the name of Allah -

As the days and weeks and years slowly pass before my eyes, I am brought to sorrow for tears I cannot yet cry. A heart closed, made of stone, preserved underneath an icy throne, makes for such a regrettable tale: the loveless story of a simply mindless drone. I wonder when I'll ever catch again that whiff, to love or even hate, to be carried along such strong emotions adrift. Injustice abounds, contradictions everywhere, trying to find my place alongside people who sell themselves to fit as cogs in chains that shouldn't be there. Bound, eternally or for now, I wish I knew, every other thought I have is how I'm being held down and cannot escape from this prison I've been made in. I know the answers of imaan, but I cannot feel their strength, my other half is still missing, a desert in the ocean starving for heartfelt rent.


- in the name of Allah -

So October rolled right on by and I turned 25, but yet I didn't make a post here that entire time. What a strange life indeed.

The job search continues, though I've had now a few interviews at one place, alhamdulillah. It looks like the people there like me, so that might work out; part time in the beginning and maybe full time down the road. Perfectly fine with me that is.

I really wish I could reach out to people more often. Not so much as to communicate what thoughts I myself hold, but rather to take in different perspectives that would freshen ones already stale. Among other news, I have found that I cannot let go entirely of all of my idiotic idealism that I had held in years past. A longing that grows ever more chasmic doesn't really let that be possible. What kind of soul would match my own? I have no idea.

Along my tedious journey in this life, I come across blatant madness and hypocrisy in the news cycles every now and then. Israel's government still says it wants peace but refuses to stop taking over Palestinian land and building new settlements. It's pretty obvious by their actions they only really intend to force out the Palestinians from every meaningful or close to meaningful peace of land in the old holy land. Why do people purposefully allow the injustice to continue? Are AIPAC's dollars so important to politicians that they would overlook the suffering of a people because it did not suit their interests? If basic human morality was not enough of a motivation, those kinds of people should remember that karma will catch up to them sooner or later; Hell wasn't made for just anyone after all. So much in media is done for the sake of display and showing off. When will people realize the failing in such self-serving and vain endeavors? Being true to everyone else but one's own self is the biggest delusion possible, and the longer it takes to recognize that, the deeper the regret becomes at the end. /end_mini_rant

In other news, I want to write something poetic. Maybe I will soon, iA.


- in the name of Allah -

for the petal that got away

Years past since things have happened, what's changed?
I'm still wandering, aimless at times, with ambition chained.

I reached, I hoped, I desired, but it all fell flat,
For I was young, ignorant, knowing not this from that.

All I had was a singular vision, a name on the horizon,
One I thought peerless, a perfect complement to my amalgam.

Before then I had longed, and since then as well,
But nothing would compare, as much as I could tell.

What dreams have you dreamed, what sadness have you endured,
Where I couldn't give breath to your wings, washing your gleam till it was pure?

As I had wished back then, your life has moved along,
Holding back at last no happiness, making right all its wrong.

We're all only human, living out our fleeting lives,
But still, for failing my heart back then, I can but apologize.


- in the name of Allah -

Sometimes to my being I can find no rhyme or reason, no obvious explanation or even covert meaning, things fall into and out of focus - a slipstream of semi-consciousness without end or observability. What are my fears that are consuming me from within, that prevent my growth and leave me subject to wind and whim? My job is not yet found, my soul seems left to wander, hating a world so full of contradictions, beauty and ugliness, love and hate, barely peace but plentiful war, selflessness but overflowing selfishness, demands of others yet none else's rights fulfilled, where ends this madness that's so deeply instilled? I think this is why I was so reclusive in the past, why I'd use to rather spend weeks on end, seeking in my imagination, where so easily I could tell foe from friend. In the "real" world, people's fallacies become just that much stronger and well-founded, they tell themselves their lies so often they are as illusions but compounded. How can I exist in such a world? Lies are hateful, treachery despised, scratching and clawing for material gain seen as more harmful than good, where do their paths lead them? I must fall in line, or so I think, and become a cog in that chain, seeking my little slice of pie, ready on the dime to fall or feign for another's deign. I am my own clown, my own puppet, barely able to dance to my own tune, how then could it sound right for me to sing a thing so untrue? I swear, the incongruities between myself and life only seem to grow with each passing day, as bills and material concerns press their hold upon my fray. People taste wealth, then they go mad over keeping it and gaining more and more, is this the road for me I want in store? The only care I've ever cherished, the thing most ever lasting, is a path to Jannah, with everything else but a window shop in glancing. Do you know what's there? What lies in wait in those gardens?: Endless shade, endless pasture, limitless contentment, limitless rapture; who could ever choose against such a trade, only by giving up so little to their only Master? I think I seek that spiritual path, but this world demands me of its materialism, caught between in rift not quite at all forgiving. Imagine then that I'd love my wife, want to give her all of good and nice, but how would I such a path go on, were it not on paper dollars drawn? How many women in the world, need less fortune, need less fame, to seek a path to spirituality plain? My reservations are plenty, my ambitions few, I stumble along this winding road, unsure of what I truly need not do.


- in the name of Allah -

You and I, we're like flowers from two different seasons, blooming out of turn but fiercely with good reason. Our collision course just doesn't seem fated, at least not yet, as my path becomes a little thorny, what wisdom and sorrow combined might beget. At times it seems my place in life cannot mature fast enough, that I am too slow in catching its scent, that this fog that surrounds me every so often prevents my moving from one evolution to the next. If I were the moon, and you were the sun, we'd both rise in the same sky, but out of phase as one just ended and the other just begun. The depths of me, wherein the heart and its own rhythm reside, tarry to their own drums, not always a choice of mine. Where some things pull, and others might push, seeing myself in you is just insane for me, even if nothing's so far been rushed. They say girls mature faster than boys, but men sooner than women, am I right or wrong in this?, or have I just let the pattern become without thought unwoven?


- in the name of Allah -

Looking forward while holding back, sometimes I wonder: just where am I at? I feel like I've moved past who I used to be yesterday, picked up the strands from tomorrow, but what is this shade I'm sensing, that's got me staring down a barrel short and narrow? Self-created anxieties, propelling myself out from within reality's endless beckoning, it's so much effort at times I think I'll just recede..let the clouds come back in play, take away the sunshine, take away the day..giving me back to night, back to when whim and mindlessness held sway. Though the path might be there for me to take, finding a better road in the mist ahead, how can what I am now be enough to clear me of dread? If anyone besides myself knew the extent of just how feeble my will could become, just how many circles my soul had once trod, they'd say I was one stuck in rewind, fated to play back only too late in time. I have purpose, like I've always had, like I've always felt, but now, none of what happens is in my hands: filling out forms, handing in resumes, the next step in my life has been just one long breath, till now delayed. It's almost deja vu, except I'm supposed to be wiser, supposed to fill in the blanks once my hopes held water, but with a glass near empty and a crack in the side, I'll have to make myself a new pitcher, if at least to parry the tide..

Wow, so that was what comes out after not having written in so long. At least calendars don't lie when it comes to being older. ><


- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah, I passed! I feel a bit lighter now...


- in the name of Allah -

So, here I am again. Perhaps to chronicle the development (or devolution) that's happened since the last time I posted. I can probably best sum things up by listing the things I've noticed and felt over the past month or so.

1. Some bridges don't need to be burned before being left behind. Sometimes, they just decay and fall apart all by themselves. I've noticed that many people I once knew now longer know me, or retain any connection to me. The same is certainly true of myself and others, but its more poignant when I bring my perceived isolation to the forefront. While I have a few great friends, people worthy of being called brothers, I realize that the sisters I knew (Islamically speaking), are fewer and much farther in between now. I used to (be able to?) chat online with so many different people over such diverse backgrounds over this past decade. However, it seems that aging has had an effect on me. I can no longer categorize my relationships with women in simple terms of friendship and potentiality (a term I just thought of to denote people who may be suitable to marry). Things are just too complicated. It's kind of sad. I really enjoyed knowing them. I wonder if I should ever find any such connection(s?) ever again. Allah would know better than I.

2. Some things, no matter how much we want them, may still lie out of our grasp. This board exam is truly kicking my butt. I've taken it a few times, and probably because I cannot devote half the time I 'should' to its study, I end up having difficulty. I feel like its all in my head, that should my mindset or approach towards it change, I can overcome it. However, when or how this would happen, I have next to no idea. Self fulfilling prophecies and the like just haven't been good for me lately, as the most frequent emotion that accompanies me is self doubt: doubt of my intentions, doubt of my worth as a human being, doubt of my ability to affect change in myself much less other people. These are weekly tangents I approach with some evenhandedness. It's not usually to the point of depression, but I'm sure the point can be made without having to mention it directly. I can only really continue to pray and seek Allah in some sort of path out of this cloudy time.

3. Sometimes, you really don't have to face the most obviously difficult moments, to find yourself in a truly trying time. For instance, now. I have the basic amenities the 'third world' would clamor for. I have things people dream of, and yet the greatest obstacle, which for all of them is outside of themselves (hunger, poverty, socioeconomic turmoil, etc), for me is my very own self. From how I see life, I do not think there can be anything more resilient to being overcome than the nafs. Being a part of the human being, it never really goes away. It questions, it rebels, it doubts, it hungers, it flies, it sleeps, it loves everything but what it needs most. In sum, the greatest enemy I'll ever face, aside from Satan, who is my nafs' most potent ally, is me. I should take more lessons on overcoming the self. It could really do some good.



- in the name of Allah -

Sometimes when I look down, peering at puddles past, it all seems so small, such a melancholy round. An earth with no neighbors, out of touch from other kinds of life, struggles alone, carried by a dream and hope inside. So many little pieces and puzzles, fitting and flitting, whirring and whizzing, meshing while totally mistaking, where's their direction? Such small desires, a plate of warm food on a cold night, the familiar scent of a familiar sight. Where's my cue in all this hectic hither-tither, to push or pull, to lay down my arms or pull the trigger? So many road signs, posted just below the vision, just out of sight, just about taken for granted, while people, including myself, run around pretending we're prophets of times past, our Tablet being our forsaken inhibitions.

Oh God, Oh Allah, Oh Fashioner of the Heavens and Earth, Oh Everliving, Oh Everlasting: I beg thee - save me from my self, from all of this. Ameen.


- in the name of Allah -

Of all the idiotic things I've ever read in the news or television, this has to be right there at the top. When you read this, remember the title of the article: "Islamic Solidarity Games cancelled over Gulf dispute".


They cancelled the "Islamic Solidarity Games" because the Arabian states wanted the Gulf referred to as 'Arabian'...not 'Persian' as it was called by Iran.

What the f*ck is that about? So much for solidarity. So much for idiotic "Muslim" countries even pretending that they're supposed to Muslim brothers. God, what a bunch of fucking retards. /pardon the language.