- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah been a few weeks now, work progresses as normal. Routine, a step into normalcy, all positive things for the soul these days. Each day that passes is a little more proof I find of what I can be, existing within the realm of humanity far more than I ever have. I've learned to separate the basic essential need of a human being to work and have purpose from my old notions of resisting conformity. Honestly that perspective was nonsense, just another layer to my Defense Against the Worldly Arts (lol). Part of this existence we live in is about being able to survive that experience, and for me, to find niches where I can thrive and slowly exhale my vision from its shackles. 

It's one of the primary ways I can prove not only to myself but to Allah the kind of substance that I am made of. He knows way better than me obviously, but for the kind of reward I want, for the loftiness His ridwaan encompasses, simple superficial adhering to moral principles won't cut it. Action has to be moulded out of that old ether, taking ideal and trying to manifest it as often as I can, as well as I can. 

While my body walks the earth, my soul often finds itself gazing ahead. A best friend of mine asked me the other day, when I caught up with him after years of self-isolation, "is that enough?" as to my goals in the afterlife. Before I analyze the question, I have to marvel at how awesome it is to know people, who after mere minutes of talking can wipe away what seems like decades of absence in a heartbeat. How beautiful a brother's bond, when I had tried to let go of it for so long. mashaAllah. Back to the question, it is something that I will need to carry with me for as long as I live. It'll need to be asked, every so often, if only to challenge my inner self with enduring in a way it never has before, of retaining a vision that dunya consistently tries to evaporate. As with much these days, I'll turn to Allah and seek in the question and His 'ibada some certitude of my own direction, of the steps I want to take, of the end I want to find. For an immaterial person like me, I don't think there can be a more substantial goal than to find the like of what's already formed my core since before I was born. Trying to get back the Garden, like we knew it way way back when, iA. 


- in the name of Allah -

by the Will of Allah...

..some day I'll find the earth beneath my grave, my home, cool and soft to touch what with all the deeds I gave. I'll look back on this long road I walked, how strange was its surface paved, to be so pebbled rough, revealing at last from thorns the rose I'd always sought. among the lessons learned, of that when blessings lost, to still push ever forward, despite that which left its mark; to seek not just for its own sake reward, but because Allah alone makes a path full and whole, a draft to rise in awe, ever skyward. so all I needed, all there was I found, His lift to take my wings, above and off that ground, like hearts in rhythmic beat, flying on, one a bit ahead but mine not far behind, until Firdaus gleamed beneath our feet.

Ameen, inshaAllah


- in the name of Allah - 

Alhamdulillah, what a beautiful Eid today. Among other things that I've been slowly reconstructing as of late, being at Eid was near top of the list. I can't recall how long it'd been since I felt the simple joy of it, though for sure having a good khateeb had a lot to do with that (3rd prayer ftw). Reminders all around, a bright sunny day to match one's inner hue. Really I can't say alhamdulillah enough times. I'm not normally one to carry an uplifting air, but when it's this beautiful and perfect of a day, there's no other choice but to resonate in kind. Got to the masjid early/on time, got out easy as pie, I don't think it's possible to script a better sequence of events than that alhamdulillah. 

A big "Eid Mubarak!!" to all my homies in the streets [:


- in the name of Allah -


some times, when I awa ken, some times, when I arise,
I might just see, the color red, fa ding through my eyes. 

like I had no lids, saw from it all, just answers as I try. 
no more wandering, an end to salty streams, with ducts un-dry. 

Allah knows my staff, that all purpose use ful tool, 
an aid of every nomad, extracting from this mirage, its truth.

my star burns not alone, nor to lost mass its orbit decayed, 
its twin lives again: with blazing light shone, to the way back home. 




- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah. Started a job few days ago, first time in a long time. There is a certain beauty and resolve that routine and purpose can create, it's really about time I embraced it. In doing so, trying to overcome my previous limitations, misconceptions. There is a road to be forged out of it, out of the grind and discipline and hustle. Firdaus won't be had so easily as I was taking it before, the path towards such a thing is filled with hardship and acceptance of difficult things. Subjugating one's nafs, making one's will like iron in the face of time and distance and any number of uncertainties that can arise. All of these are processes on the way I'm hoping to find Allah at the end of. So much for me to know from Him, so much to ask. There is a light here, in front of me. Has been there, probably even in my darkest moments over the decades, where I could see nothing else. The one who won't be named is always the one who will be sought, among the reasons and sources and essences of things looked forward to. I wouldn't be here otherwise, wouldn't have accepted otherwise, wouldn't have *wanted* anything otherwise. But Allah willed it so, and the path was made. Within every prayer, every nawafil, at the heart of every action there is a trace of the path inside it. An origin, a journey, a destination. Connecting all these, a knowledge that only by finding Allah and having Him pleased with me is the only way I will ever be whole. Shards and fragments once scattered are quite easy for Him to remake: kun, fa ya-kun. The simplicity that leads me to slavehood to Allah, I should have seen it from a gajillion miles away. But life distracts as easy as breath comes to the living. Alhamdulillah for having all these chances I have to notice this particular truth, again and again. May Allah let me not die except that I become a slave He loves, a slave whose wish He wants to fulfill, a slave who becomes worthy of His worship in the first place, ameen ya Rabb.