-in the name of Allah-

So this is the place where I write. Something, anything, everything, is all yet to be determined. Officially, I believe I occupy the vacumn in life that often comes between the realm known as 'adulthood' and the realm known as 'adolescence'. However, I find dispute with both these terms. The world is so ruled by standards, so ruled by strength of comparison, it is impossible these days to weed out the truth from propaganda. Most of those in American society spend their time either mindlessly 'working' or attempting to convince others that they, themselves, are in fact 'worth' something. Others simply miss the radar, miss the blip on the screen, let 'life' pass them by. I think I occupy this latter group. Do I choose the mindless monotony and destroyed individualism on one hand? Or do I choose the rebel's path and bcome a misfit in a world of misfits trying to fit in? I could grant solace to those close to me by simply choosing to be like most others, but how can I when the conscience has not yet been settled? There is so much in life to be afflicted from, it's amazing people survive it any way. I have no idea how long I will choose to be seperate from my 'friends', from the masjid, from that whole area of my life that I cannot give meaning to any more. I am at a point where something must give meaning to me, must show its own accountability, rather than I, assuming the role of an understanding human being, should venture to account for them what they cannot for themselves. Yet still, some close to me will say that it is I who am evading accountability, evading responsibility, choosing the 'easier' path of apathy and nothing in the face of degrees, jobs, goals. To them, I reply should I or must I or can I assimilate to the mould of the masses and all the while remain true to my self? How do I appease the ones close to me, yet still remain loyal to the humanity that so struggles inside me? It is the fate of having to choose between two steep paths, both difficult, both having sacrifice involved, but which to take, and be not lost in its midst?

These questions pervade my otherwise innocuous days..


-in the name of Allah-

Dreamed 1.10.06

out of ethereal clay did i fashion you in my dreams, bit by bit, piece by piece, you gave meaning to the realm unseen. now, as ironic fate grips me at last, it may be the only time i've ever seen you. profundity and purpose escape these infrequent writings of mine, words of whom are scribbled reincarnations of memory. neither of us knows the path that lies ahead, but in the untrod is a hope unseen and a prayer unsaid- so it is that we trod our futures, unhindered by grainy wisps of yesteryear. think not of forgetting, though impossible- i'd never imagine it. we could gripe against life and that 'perfect' train now thought derailed, but don't forget that we are still alive with an eternity yet to be sailed.


-in the name of Allah-

Ok, so I can retrieve the wisdom of all the past ages, but if action doesn't follow the mind but instead runs aimlessly after the heart, can it be said that the desire for truth and justice is futile, with fatalism the new status quo?


-in the name of Allah-

Hmm, so a new year of the Georgian calendar dawns and it seems few things in life ever truly find a way into uncharted territory, that is to say, most paths in life are often the past re-disguised as something different. Crossroads in some ways. I've come to the conclusion if something cannot be loved, it will be hated. There is no room for ambiguity when fate has something decided, and to do otherwise (that is, to do other than hate) would make impossible the continuation of whatever it is that must be done without having the object of emotion becoming a draw back and liability, a fallacy in this world of reality's permanence. Nonetheless, I remain persistent in apathy, though to be sure, I am learning more of life's secrets regarding familial constancy. Some times we need to overlook the insignificant and embrace our parents, for as an advisor once told me: "the greatest error of our generation and era, is that society believes it does not need the old and aged" - (paraphrased). No more resignation to retirement homes, no more ignoring the nags of age-old wisdom, no more drowning out the sounds that came from bodies overworked to feed, clothe, and lead me through life up to and beyond the very point of this writing. To overlook parent involvement in life, though easy to do when distance is created, is like looking at a clock and not realizing it tells time- looking at parents with a sane and functional mind, its impossible to not see a bond beyond the ordinary, beyond the talk of our age.