- in the name of Allah -

Oh Rabb, 
how often on this journey will I break,
how often will I turn to pieces, 

that You might fish my remnants from this lake,
and turn me into something seamless?

Oh Rabb,
I swear I have perished thus, at least a thousand times,
how oft that blade does pierce so deep,
turning into shreds all things which bleed, 
what's there left to proclaim as mine?

Oh Rabb,
forgive me, I am so blind,
to so often miss,
at the surface, or in-between the lines,
all that Your mercy is.

- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah, today was interesting. The khutbah was on tawakkul and its importance, including a primary constituent being sabr. Very relevant, especially to me. Honestly could say it was like listening to someone talk about what for me is inside of every breath and every other thought, and my reply to what the speaker says is like "yeah, tell me about it". 

My road...I can't even call it mine anymore. The ownership to guidance is Allah's, like everything of worth, everything worth attaining. Not to say that I have it definitely, going by my primitive human capacity, but the desire for it is there so automatically I'm in the territory of what's in His domain. 

What made today special, I felt the distance evaporate and like the blink of an eye, there were the beating hearts of beacons near mine. For some moments, the acceptance and affection just existed within my perception. What's amazing is I wasn't really looking for it, didn't expect to feel anything like that. Not possible to put into words, but one word suffices- subhanaAllah. It was something I hope to find in another life, but brought near for a second, perhaps to give tranquility for whatever road lies ahead of me. SubhanaAllah again, because I wasn't in any distress at all, there was no worry there to be quelled, all of my affairs are already with Allah and this was like tasting the icing on a cake long before I'm finished baking it. How crazy is that? 

In every case, alhamdulillah. 

Oh mahbubain, keep all of your trust with Allah and look constantly to Him for everything you want or need, make this a habit that never ends, the scent of a rose that never withers, and He will suffice you for all of your days. Ya Rabb, I beg of You their forgiveness and guidance, their protection and complete reliance only on You, include them with Your 'ibaad whom You have decreed khair for in this life and the next, ameen. 


 

- in the name of Allah -


Lit

sometimes I'm a match, sometimes a spark, on occasions both, as He turns distance into nothing, pulling our atoms from where we are, towards a time when nothing's kept apart. there is no substance mine, not a trace that might itself ignite, without our Rabb to bring forth light from fire, that burns to guide and not for strife. if ever the lines seem razor-thin, and wrong and right as pitfalls one and same, keep His remembrance close to heart, and know His love is not one to change. 

- in the name of Allah -


Note to Self

Oh Nafs: forego today, so we may reign tomorrow, the Garden is our home, not this excuse for shelter shallow. Oh Nafs: be at rest, your time may come if our Rabb we please, this life isn't one we own, but one we live on lease. Oh Nafs: guard your thoughts, that they find respite in submission, leave off your own whim, so ridwaan is ours in all conditions. Oh Nafs: some days may seem not as bright, a tad too dark, but it's alright, such are His signs, the pair of day with night. Oh Nafs: this is not the end of us, but our beginning: the Road to Him, paved in patience and in trust.

- in the name of Allah -


Sometimes no words of mine suffice, when only droplets internally condensed and falling from the ledges of eyes are enough to act as release. Some days I wonder how long can I keep track of those echoes, how long can my antimatter soul last in this universe of matter? The need for resonance, from time to time, digs so deep, I cannot fill its expression with anything except something reaching to Allah while shaded by anguish.

Duas are ever-welcome, especially from beacons beloved, that I sustain with Allah's help and guidance this road to Him, ameen.

Of the defining undercurrents to my being:

A nomad without his Libaas, naked, sprawled out on this vast desert life of sand, the sun of trials hanging overhead and burning every pore of his soul, nearly driving him mad, but patience with his Rabb is all he has. This, the price of tomorrow, a price he'll pay as long as blood and oxygen populate his vessels and veins, a bargain well-struck in finding his Garden perfectly tailor-made.

- in the name of Allah -


For one who seeks standing with his Rabb, what do I have to offer Him? There are times where I seem able to fulfill the condition of a submitting heart, when limbs follow not a stranger but who I wish I was. But then there are times when I can make no sense of my choices, where there is no internal response to counter rushing tides and so the moment sweeps me in its wake. What is my excuse before Allah? When I consider how He has protected me so, sheltered me from so many of life's whims and harsher winds, I find my inability to retain continual submission...frustrating beyond measure. Damn it nafs, submit and stay submitted! Rise not for your own destruction and mine, rather lay still and be silent if all you offer me is doom undisguised. 

Alas, that when I tend to choose, for those choices I find that darkness will ensue, momentary but gripping, this self of mine, the greatest enemy I ever knew. Still my Rabb lifts me when I try to sink, gives lungs breath when I try to drown, keeping me upright when I'm inclined to bend, raises my head when my gaze points only down. I have no answer for His questioning, unless He forgives me outright I'm utterly lost, worse than my past wandering, and even then He led me through it all. I deserve of His no gifts, there are no awards or deeds of making mine, that I can point to and say, 'Look, how it shines!'. Still, I hope He pours His mercy forth, though I am a vessel long broken, upon me for whatever it is worth, that I may be in whole forgiven, as I'm laid to rest in earth.

- in the name of Allah - 


in understanding you I understand my self, somehow can't tell where I stop and you start, no, lines don't get crossed, but I swear it's like you're an extension of me, just as someone else.

and so this life became for me a house of mirrors, trying to guess which impression is earnest and which are imposters, finding the real me when I found the real you, the rest of existence a maze to backtrack with my Rabb the way back to truth.

there's nothing here for anyone to steal, nothing there to envy, just a shade of a shadow, playing on the walls in the lost innocence of people's memories, backlit by beacons, His means, to prepare from this life my leaving.

- in the name of Allah -

interstitially
 -
if the day comes, 
where I've nothing left to write,
if the day comes, 
where it shines but darkest night,

then better check my pulse, 
cause I may not be alive. 
- 
looking ahead so long, can no longer see the moment, 
not much here for me to grasp, 
to me of worth is truly just in future laden,

could not say how deep, these soliloquies, 
reach down into those,
who I long to have one day with me,

that day, for it I'll always dream,
and work, 
and plan,
and sow,
that His mercy I might reap,

be good, and just, and wise, 
submit your heart, and soul, and life,
for His trade, that everything might be yours,
and so mine



 

- in the name of Allah -


A journey

I didn't start this on my own, nor was it something I even initially sought. The two beacons I came to know, were brought into my orbit by Allah, and given how those early years were spent, would keep them close enough that their light became something I'd always cherish. 

People often speak of destiny when they approach something they don't understand or can't grasp, but it's just as true in those rare cases we can grasp it, can see the causes and effects in our lives that are so potent because they originate outside of our own will. It's one thing for a person to wake up one day and say he or she will set out to accomplish something, then does so. It is completely another when something entirely outside of one's vision comes into view, settles in the soul like a seed in the earth, and grows there, unimpeded (!) by the predation of one's own self or outside forces. There are innumerable layers of blessings from Allah in this. I fear I can never truly convey to people just how deeply I know this good is from Him, it's beyond knowledge, but rather the most basic essence of me I have ever fathomed. There were so many saving graces, blessings beyond counting, where He kept me intact and made my beacons not as sources of corruption but as tests and guiding lights in the purest sense. Perhaps they reflected me, but I know for certain I reflected them, and so when good compounds with good, there is a resonating effect whereby only khair gets passed between them and what's lesser just gets left behind. 

This phenomenon reminds me of one of the most beautiful ayaat in the Quran:

"...Light upon light. Allah guides to His light whom He pleases,..." [Surah An-Nur, part of Verse 35]

SubhanaAllah. Definitely, without question, any good we ever find, any good we ever knew, all of it is only from Allah.

- in the name of Allah -


The Meadow

As her hair billowed in the breeze about her face, far removed from any hustle and bustle, she knew that this was the meaning of 'relaxation'. She had no worries, no urgent needs to attend to, nothing to pull her attention away. Except, of course, whenever she might prefer diversion. What a welcome change; in her past life, this was just about never the case. She couldn't recall a time she hadn't been working, hadn't been striving in some tangible sense, where stress and concern always seemed to be lurking around every corner. Regardless, with fearless determination she had accepted each hurdle as it came, helping pave the way for where she found herself now.

Of anywhere she might have chosen to be, that she found enjoyment most in the forest greenery was not lost on her. After all, it was a setting she'd scarcely had time for in the past. The quietude, surrounded by the ambiance of nature that itself seemed to whisper on the wind, "This is how it should be", these were simple treasures she could never tire of. It wasn't something everyone would understand. With so many choices of pleasure and contentment, of all the breathless scenery and landscapes, most would have thought her current relaxed state a trifle bland. But what did they know? As there was no hurry, no haste in anything, no appointments of necessity, no pending deadlines, the only thing that awaited her was what she wished for, and even more than that of continually pleasant blessings from her Maker.

Pondering like this had become second nature for her, just like it was innately a part of his. After their departure early on in her past life, she'd never expected their paths to cross again. But then, who could predict the qadr of Allah? She knew it was only His mercy that had saved her, His light that had shone for her darker moments. While nearing the end of this train of thought, she'd reached one of the riverbanks in her Meadow. "Ah, perfect timing." Just the river she'd wanted to drink from. She took the gold cup waiting beside her and filled it with an exquisite wine, whose flavor changed with every sip. After the first, she couldn't help grinning from ear to ear. The endless variety of blessings, serenity and peace in every respect, freedom from every hardship, such joys that built each one on top of the other, from the simplest to the most profound, she began to realize the immensity of what Allah had gifted her and it left her speechless. What words of shukr could she offer that might come close? Nothing would quite suffice, but something escaped from her lips as naturally as air, "Glory and praise are for Allah alone, Who guided us to this most perfect abode".

- in the name of Allah -


re-written

"I've [nearly] lost my way with words, my touch with all my rhymes",
"I've [almost] lost myself along the way, somewhere along the lines",

Wordy vomit, perhaps, but in all these scraps of alphabetic soup,

I'm just extracting any essence I can find, that traces back to you:

A spark, staying forever lit, while held deep inside the heart.

The flame He made to shine, and which never deigns to cease, 
Regardless of how inept I am, nor of my aims how far beneath,

For being but a random slave, needing succor from his King,
Turning back to Him is all I have, while His is every favor to give.

- in the name of Allah -

"..till he has a real heron-mark sword..."

in the light of this life, with its drama and its drought, so fickle what's found, how does a seeker convey to his sought, how his Home isn't here, but with a lifetime of deeds is wrought, the heart's destiny manifest, not by his will or his voice, rather the sum of bounties and mercies his Maker gifted in choice. this place, this plane, these people, these parades, in me all they'll ever see, a jester of contradiction to their conformity, while the only pull inside my soul, goes to a place I've never seen, but felt I've always known, the pinnacle of peaks, ever-rising with clouds, never falling away from lack of means. 

such is my affliction, given by the dreamer before she departed, that I remain not just a thinker, but one who attains atop the heavens, the End of a road we'd long since started, in the fullest of forms, as the greatest of Gifts, lavished by the Owner of all that there is, stamped on the heart of His slave, the Seal of His contentment, with this wisest of trades.

persevere, dear dreamer, past the days and the nights, past the changing temps, past the shifting tides, towards His acclaim at last, that He may say of your soul, "This slave is Mine."

- in the name of Allah -


Nothing vanished, it all remains, locked away in a safe,
secure from outside theft, or from within escape,
like Pandora's box, to be kept closed for its own sake.

Sometimes though, what's inside is so deeply missed,
memories from tomorrow, become all I can see or give,
leaving few with whom to share, and appreciate that bliss.

That's alright, fine by me, I don't crave the world, or its life,
for He made my soul, and in its making, it craves His light,
that He may rejoin my pieces, and turn all wrongs into Right.