- in the name of Allah -

Alhamdulillah, Ramadan has begun. I find myself in a far better frame of mind in it than I have in many, many Ramadans past. It was coincidental that a few weeks before the month started is when I resolved to change certain aspects of my life that needed fine-tuning, that some periodicity in the self could not continue unchecked. People need stability in their perspectives, or else they are utterly prone to waxing and waning in how they see things. Part of this stability comes from being able to focus on a singular desire that propels the self and its action in one direction, not always diverging (nafs wanting one way while the mind discerning another). Alh, I have found that desire in a part of Akhirah. What that is, I will keep a secret as I hope Allah lets me keep it all to myself :). But, suffice to say that it has affected every other aspect of my being. What I cannot allow now is to see this focus ever go to waste. It is strange that it should be so strong a pull for me, but it becomes obvious that Allah knows His own creation far more deeply than we can understand ourselves. 

On another note, I want to share a recent train of thought that I have had. As I mentioned to a close friend of mine recently, I have grown to develop a profound hatred of fear. Maybe it is due to how I have seen it abused by human beings, as a tool of oppression and arrogance to rule over the less fortunate; whatever the origin, this hatred of fear has made it so that I do not wish to fear Allah in the purest sense of being afraid. My biggest worry should I fall into Jahannam, may He forbid it, is that I would be apart from Him and that which I desire most. As a consequence, I would never feel what is to be actually near Him, I would never be able to ask of Him all the thousands of questions about the universe that I have resolved to ask. Curiosity at its most basic. If I fall into the pit, all of those questions would remain unasked, the longing of which would be all-consuming, I would never be able to truly understand Allah as best a mortal being can. In addition, I would lose sight of the starlight of hope that shined for me from Jannah. What does a man feel should he fall flat on his face after seeing his dream almost as if it were in his grasp? That utter devastation, an abyss of sadness that could not ever be filled. All of these I would feel, yes, but fear of Allah? Not in the literal sense, no. I spoke with a close friend about this, how it was worrying that one of the aspects of taqwa seemed to be missing from me, and there was no way I knew of bringing it close. He said that people have different levels, and that those who can bring together the hope and the fear aspects of taqwa would essentially be in the highest ranks. That was a bit disturbing, but after pondering on that further, there was something more. 

My relationship with Allah is quite simple to me. Being His creation, the connection that exists between Him and I can never be anything different. Even people who not believe in Him, still they do not cease to be His creation. This fact is true for everyone, and it is something which surpasses both fear and hope. His will, His message, these are eternal notions. I am quite the opposite. Being alive in time, faced with mortality as well as a infinitesimally small ability to affect change, I am very much subject to change. At times it may be mood or preference of food, or it may be that entirely conflicting and contradictory thoughts exist and are felt at the same time. But Allah does not change, and additionally, He is never in need or can He be harmed in any way. When people speak ill of Him, it isn't His truth or reality that is affected, it is the moral fabric of their own being. As such, being His creation, the only choice I have in existence is to be His. There cannot be anything else besides this, and ultimately, that is the end of everything regardless of what people say or do. Due to all of this, it's become a bit odd to me to think of Him in a way defined by human feelings of love or fear. The way my being requires Him is more basic than how a human being needs oxygen; a system was built a particular way, and never will a human being be able to live off of anything different, say hydrogen. Do I love the cold water that I drink on a thirsty, hot day? Not quite, but I am quite cognizant of how much I wish for it, how the physical longing is created within myself for that refreshment and respite from difficulty. Similarly, I need Allah so much, in ways so profound and ridiculously simple, that it seems to go beyond the kind of feelings I might have for a human being. I might hope, Allah willing, that all of this leads me to a deeper manifestation of taqwa, that I might become and remain one who is pleasing to Him, if only for the fact of what I might lose and how much I wish for that which I couldn't even dream of; ameen ya Rabb.