أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ
Did you think you were no longer a part of me? That is not so. Even as you kept yourself as ice almost the entire time our orbits crossed, no matter how much I sought to know you and was denied, no matter how constantly you obfuscated yourself from me, you remain ingrained in my history's DNA.
I did not intend your excision from me to be temporary, though I definitely did not want it as permanent. Don't ask me what is in between those things, except a period of time that passes for the wounds of distance and denial to heal. Ironic that I think you mistook my reaching out since the beginning, at least a little bit. The biggest question I wanted to answer regarding us, was who are you? You were one of the few I've come across who not only understood my intensity but shared it on some levels. I know it freaked you out, our resonance, the very thing that pulled me to know more fully was (part of) the reason you stayed aloof and pushed away.
I did not pen this update to dwell on history though. As much as reflection is beloved to me, the future is more so. It must be. The past is not where our destinies are written, merely their record. Now the future, the Tomorrow of us, that is the objective that frames my soul. I will not reach out to you again from myself, I've done this enough and the connection never seemed able to last in this life. Though I have to mention, I could never forget 2020. What you did for me, how you kept me company and inspired in some of my darkest moments...you should be loved all Eternity for that deed alone. I love you for that, but not just that - for every possibility my eyes have seen and yet unlived and even those unimagined for now. If our Rabb wishes it to pass, I'll hear from you this time, and be regaled with the adventures you lived, either in this life or the next. You know I wish it was sooner, but some threads are woven for their own specific time, not for our choosing to weave. After I've heard your stories, you'll know mine and my embrace. This is my most precious longing when it comes to beloved, to have that proximity, to revel in the depths, together.
ma'asalaam my first Twin, ever and always.
- - - - -
What goes here, does not take any energy from me, no sadness or grief. My life is one of constant reflection, layers upon layers that build on every day I've ever lived.
This beacon wasn't one who remained in my sky, no longer lit, just one to whom I'll say goodbye. Was it worth it, having known you for the flicker of an eye? I can't say, you chose for yourself what you think is freely freeness, choices and 'empowerment' that life and its deception (and chief Deceiver, no doubt) have you thinking it's a worthy path of being taken. It is not. The indulgence and contradictory callousness, of sensitivities untempered for who was once thought twin. Unlike what you said once, you were never a 'she-who-got-away' for me, like you had been for others in your life. I never had you, never knew you - despite how much I sought both. There's no material comfort that can suffice you for what you let go that one time on the plane, how you no longer feared dying and so you felt no need to call your Creator. That part, disappoints me deeply. Your choices. Ok, perhaps sadness made its way in these words after all.
[4/7/2024: I don't normally redact anything from my records, but I felt it necessary to remove this line that might hurt the most, should you ever come back to these pages. If you did return, I should hope that you recall our brightest moments, few they may have been. I still have the kalima recording you made for me, and it will stay with me forever iA. I plan to offer it as evidence to our Creator on your behalf, when the moment for it comes at our Judgment. Maybe this one thing, these few words, will show the strength and light deep enough to reach you, to lift any burdens or sorrows or wanderings from your travels, to join us and allow us to actually converse and know each other. That is the kind of longing I have, it endures. InshaAllah you will see it manifest one Day.]
I wanted this to be so, I could see a future, a scenario in which it was true. It was glorious, mA. Glimpses of resonances, those echoes, subhanaAllah they were otherworldly. And so, that is the last place any thought or mention of you now exists with me, inside of some dua that persist, regardless whether it rains or shines.
My last few words for the once-Gemini: remember yourself, remember who you used to be, probably circa 2008 and before. Find it, breathe it in, and hold on to that true identity of she who read and loved learning so much. ma'asalaama
No comments:
Post a Comment