-in the name of Allah-



I've bordered on heresy these past few days, bordered on the thin line between heaven and hell, the thin line between black and white, between fury and recognition. My choices are non-existent, my pain plenty, my love scattered, my ambition in need of CPR. You were part of the reason why I awoke again to life. You are part of the reason why I want to be asleep once more. Now, all I know is that I am alive, and that you will be khush. I made a dua before, more recently that is, that should the best path for you not be with me, let Allah guide you to it anyway. What a pain, loss, madness, it has been knowing that perhaps, I may not be your destiny. I will never truly let the idea of you go. I hope you leave me to the fishes. The ultimate sacrifice that can be made for a love I will make, have made, am making. That sacrifice is to let you take that path Allah decrees for you, and let you take it in peace. This is why I am better left forgotten, better left to the birds, better left as six feet under. To torment you or my self further by mentioning how much one cares is futile; it avails neither of us anything.

Should it be so that your present state amounts to nothing, and a possibility opens that you may be approached, I do not think I could do so. How could I risk losing you again, having had you barely for a whisper, barely for a moment's thread? The pain would kill me. As it is, I want to let go, to spare you and be spared of this, of loss, of what it is to lose that connection, that meaning that so few ever come to know. We may meet in another life, though I will admit I count on nothing while knowing my fatalistic, self-destructive state of mind. You may reach the farthest points of heaven, while I may be lost in the middle of nowhere.

In the midst of all my words is a submission, ultimately this submission is to Allah's will. I have known no worse pill, no more painful dose to swallow other than this, but if I must, then I will. My conscious and my heart cannot overcome the truth of Allah, the truth of my faith, and to it I must hold firm. Though currently I tread in stormy seas, I pray yours will forever be a gentle, fair brook.


Ma'asalaam (with peace),
yousaf