- in the name of Allah -



Alhamdulillah, I am now married. For now it still seems somewhat strange, but I figure in time one gets used to the idea.

After the hectic drama of the early stages in getting things ready, to the latter tediousness of meeting a gazillion relatives I had little desire to meet, the matter is settled. Along with it, a certain strand of disquiet I had felt over the years is also resolved. Alhamdulillah for that too. My wife wasn't what I expected, which is to say she far exceeded what I could have thought by a mile. But then I had no idea what to expect, having never been married before and for the longest time not creating for myself any expectations down that road (better said as expectations for any road, but my past already attests to that). 

We talked about so many things, much about our past experiences. I brought up some very tricky/delicate topics that, alhamdulillah entirely, I am very glad to say eventually went over well. Being who I am, I want to be able to share and evoke my emotions/thoughts with people I care about, and especially more so with the woman I married. At first, my wife wanted me to forget the past, but me being me, I tried to give my perspective that there was nothing in my past that brought me pain. On the contrary, I could look back on everything that I went through, the people and person I met and got to know, and then say with perfect clarity that it was a source of light for me, a happiness that I got to find what I did, that I traveled the road I was on to feel what I felt, growing and learning through everything, by the grace of Allah every step of the way. As I mentioned to her, my past, all of my experiences, help define who I am and I would never choose to simply 'delete' them. 

Conventional wisdom says that some things are better left forgotten, but for me, as to that which Allah allows me to remember, there, in it all, I've found only good for me, leaving me with only gratitude that my Rabb guided me through it and didn't abandon me to my own devices no matter how many times my emotion wanted to drown me. This road has not been easy, but it is totally worth it: to be able and willing to empathize with another, to touch another soul and find a resonance that I can recall, knowing how in future others might feel and being a temperance for the people I meet, all of these things my past has been critical to honing. Maybe perhaps the biggest thing I learned from the sum of it all has been to remember tawakkul and relying on Allah, in all things. No matter what dark moments I come across, what annoyances or tragedies show up, that is my fallback, my support, my help, my sustenance- hasbiAllahu wa ni'mal-Wakil. Especially through times I'd rather not have felt anything, Allah helped me stick to it.What does one who relies on his Rabb have to fear? Nothing except Him, and even then, it is a fear borne out of not wanting to lose connection to Allah, of wanting to be pleased with Him and having Him be pleased with me. InshAllah, this is the road I travel, that I may find Allah's ridwan with me when the Last Day comes, that I may find in His gardens all the beauty and solace and truth that I have always sought, Ameen