Contrasted

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

so strange, how one can be composed of one's beloved, yet their currents within flow in opposite directions, some giving lift to breathing while another becomes a means of some shade of anguish, long have i known the cost of ignorance, especially when it comes to those who matter the closest, it's a slightly different tune to a well-played song.

 

~

 

for my Twin, these words are released...none have ever rejected or gone radio silent quite to your degree, denial on so many levels, i never needed a yes rather simply understanding and some measure of explanation, to gaze inside who it is that you call as yourself. i should not be surprised, for most of my living i struggled against my own acceptance, how to fit into this existence being what i am and it being what it is, couldn't be ease with my own definition, misanthropic in ways straight out of fiction, for so long didn't know how to jive as myself on earthy wavelengths where simple normalcy and mundanity is what everyone's concerned with.

 

as you said once, "everything you say about me applies to you too". how long it took me to be fine with being me, and letting others be who they are? do you know, given the knowledge i'd gained of you thus far, every piece of data and emotion and experience, everything other than Potential, if i took all of that and put it on a scale, could i say it was worth the pain of being denied by one's twin, almost in entirely the same mirror mechanism as i had not known how to deal with my self? i cannot say it was worth it. but the scale has two parts. on the one hand is what had been learned and experienced and received --- and on the other, Potential. "you know the magic we would make." lol, words you would say that get etched into my history. Potential, that, it is worth the effort in caring and seeking and trying. such is my nature, and even if my Rabb keeps you even more under wraps and disguised and unrevealed than any of my beloved...that's not a problem. it is an ache, yes, resonant in places i wished many times to have never have shaken again, but change in our condition and trial...is the constant of being human. my Gemini belongs in my ocean, even if the idea has its only abode on this earth being the cavity of my chest. i suspect He makes me to become stronger the longer i live, for there is no other choice. if my goal is my goal, written in my bones, if it's behind the lids of my eyes when i'm dreaming or awake, then every experience, every moment and day, all of it get subsumed within the overarching projection of...where will it take me Tomorrow? reminding me again of Littlefinger and his self-questioning every course of action in the context of - will it get me closer to or farther from my objective?

 

 funny too, how i think what i want for the moment is just the most trifle of things, to know how you fare, what your ups and downs are. this is what my Rabb keeps from me. ignorance of simple, trivial details that would color the backdrop of concern and yield no further for this life. all i'd wanna know. yet i cannot, do not. subhanaAllah, it is what it is. the journey onward goes