echoance

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

didn't someone once tell me, 'why do you say goodbye to your beloved?', so i restate that old question, though i suppose i grasp your intentions, tho i been broken and made overly familiar with Absence, like it's part of my shadow or a cloud that's followed near long as i've been sentient. 

 

your hardships, the test you faced last year, it's not a punishment, don't let the devil trick you into second guessing the purpose of struggles, it's purely to find the measure of a slave for her Maker, see what choices she chooses when all her chips are lost at the table and meaning is a vapor holding precious water but ever escaping our inhalations that strive for coolness to savor.

 

i don't want to have to face another 2020 just to hear your voice again, to be visited by one who resonates so clearly that even if my eyes are closed i know with you my expressions would be whole and unbroken and internalized fully. 

 

for the love of God, please keep writing your journey going forward, keep yourself open and unfettered, don't let me live in a duality of light on some possibilities but darkness in having once again your silence...i have lived many, many years like that, and i hated them all for it. 2018 and 2020 were a pair of diamonds, brighter than 2005 and anything before it, even our beginning. for future's reference, maybe in tiny echoes, or an audio clip of you saying something...anything, it doesn't matter which syllables fell from your lips, so long as they were preserved and etched into something that every once in awhile my ears could savor listening, that'd be perfect.

 

~~~~~

 

oh Allah, 

You keep me from nearness to my beloved, from being her shoulder or her cushion, You drench my life with her silence, and cause me to fathom that which this world has not capacity of ever manifesting, You brought Your Garden to my vision, encasing her within as if she were the jewel You all along had promised...so my Rabb, i beg You to keep me not from her Then, to bring us closest when our journeys finish, when i am nomad no more, simply one who found in her his home in permanence, 

ameen. 

 

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