- in the name of Allah -



And slowly, almost without notice, another year has passed and I supposed to be one year wiser, one year smarter, one year closer to deciphering my presence on this earth. Hmm, if only such riddles were easily solved..

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It is amazing to me how quickly some bonds must be broken, even after they took years and numerous struggles to create and sustain. There was such a bond of mine, of a friend I had known very well for almost 5 years now. Neither of us were overly social, but we found friendship through common interests (TV shows, movies, etc), and being of the same religious background, it wasn't difficult to forge something of brotherhood. I valued it for many reasons, mainly because I saw him as one stronger than I in faith, and one who's company would bring benefit in addition to our already common interests. Were it possible to sustain that brotherhood while still unscathed, I would definitely done so. 

To be clear, his nature was completely opposite to mine. I valued emotion and imagination greatly, reaching subconsciously for freedom all the time; conversely, he was a staunch fixture of logic and utter detachment from emotion, in both its valuing and expression. It was amusing to me, then, to hear him describe me 100% matter-of-factly as someone devoid of ambition (of the worldly kind, I would say) and thus impossible to have motivation, but himself as one of ambition but no motivation to reach those ambitions. His caricature became clear to me at this moment: having known me so well, he felt he could so easily and quickly, offhandedly and without reservation, describe me in a few words that immediately pronounced sentence upon my being and would judge me, comparatively, as an aimless amoeba to his being a ship without sail. Obviously, a ship is far more along the evolutionary ladder than an amoeba, poor single-celled organism that it is. But, I did not mind that labeling so much as it was a sense of disdain from him, that he could not respect my lack of worldly grounding, my desire to rebel against society/culture that compelled me to not bend over backwards fulfilling the prescribed outline written by others of how I should live and to what things I should aspire (marriage being one). This person, whom I had respected (sometimes tried to, as it was not a perfect thing), had pigeonholed me, discussed me to others in a way I never would have of him, a manner almost rude though certainly disapproving. I tried to let the issue drop, but it festered in my conscious mind. The pattern of some of the arguments we'd had over the years came to fresh memory, and it was something I knew quite familiar: he had always spoken in a way without emotional/considerable regard for others, so much approaching arrogance in its "I believe I am correct because there is nothing there for me to possibly misunderstand" attitude. He would stick to paths and ideas of his own choosing, even when shown clearly that they were not the best or most ideal, a stubbornness born from something I could not understand, as later his mind would eventually change and he would agree the other way was better. Why should one carry this brazen, proud flag of one's own self, as if it were an indefatigable champion of logical matter-of-factness? People can never be so perfect..

Alhamdulillah, despite the troubles one has with or from friends, there is always a recourse. Family consists of such bonds that cannot be broken, even if they are dismissed, blood cannot be changed or erased. Though it might be harder to sustain them, due to proximity and general familiarity (presumably breeding frustration and contempt faster than any other kind of bond), once a person realizes that these bonds can be relied upon, everything else, the botheration and annoyance, becomes miniscule in comparison. Family is family, and will always remain so in spite and despite everything. And eventually, whether they like to or not, they are where home is, the last refuge from the entropy of everyone else.