- in the name of Allah -


Often times it is that the things we want most are the very things we may never have. These things become for us the very trials that test us, that decide our mettle, that peruse our souls and see if indeed there is anything worthwhile inside.

I have a fallibility, among many others. I possess a heart which seeks attachment in ways so subtle, so intrinsic, that it gravitates towards certain places and certain people...without the benefit of cognizance. Leading my self astray...unknowingly. That is probably the scariest notion I've ever encountered. Yet, now that I am aware, the constant struggle of choices, of refrains, of proposes, does not do much to help the situation. I have to retain my self, my imaan, the core of my being that is presently being battered on a relatively daily basis. I quite easily realize why they say one should be married early. Granted, I'm still in my early 20's, but it would be better were it sooner than later. Moreso for my own nafs' and deen's sake than anything else. The issue isn't as simple or cut-and-dry as avoiding temptations. It isn't that. The problem is that there is a function of my soul, of my heart (and mind, to a lesser extent), that seeks out connections with people, typically female as they are easier to befriend (depending on circumstances). Not only does it seek this subconsciously, but it develops a bond with and supports this bond with rationalizations that stretch so far internally and externally, you would think I almost have a good reason for going down the wrong path. Shaitan loves to make the right path appear difficult, and the wrong path appear glittered in goodness and desirability. The problem that compounds this is that my soul does this unwittingly, without requiring a nudge, through only the simple fact that I need to be with someone I care about. Whether it just be with my crew, hanging out, or having a one-on-one with some woman I've come to know through necessary means (school), it is truly a compromising situation. Some of the things I've faced, I couldn't have imagined until they happened, and then I wonder to myself just how great a fitnah can truly be. I just ask Allah to guide me through it, to keep my heart intact for the one I marry, and to grant me the best of imaan on my deathbed; ameen ya Rabbal-'aalamin.