بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Heading back across the pond to visit the Gift in a week or so iA, it's been some time since I've been able to feel that connection. As other difficulties and challenges pile up, I find myself dissipated, more of a shell than substance. Couldn't say if disappointment lies in wait or not, but gotta risk it nonetheless. 

Primarily my undercurrent these days is losing touch with Him and not really caring for it to be any different. Maybe it comes after being faced with a test, where the body fights itself, while trying to breathe it's as if death instead is being called, and it appeared that my present fate was undecided as to whether breathing is meant to keep one living or to bring one's demise. All I could ask for was clarity, for Him to not put me into a trial that had me in a state of ridiculously-inconceivable in-between. But He kept me in it for awhile, and I tried various meds and after various sleepless nights out of the past few weeks, the physical affliction seems to have ran its course (alh I suppose).

I haven't any gratitude for this. Even asking for life, most of that time felt like I wasn't living, and death was never granted, so aside from the pain of those moments, I have nothing for the experience except an ever-widening distance from my Maker. 

When one notices how often random little things go contrary to the self, through the course of a day, or week, (or lifetime), and adds them up...it's simply an immense amount of cynicism. So many paradoxes found, so many knife wounds dealt through the course of existence, the tally is such that I long for nothing except simply to survive the course. How will He plan the next challenge I face? Frankly cannot say I care. As it is, it would be semi-miraculous for me to pull through these intermediate states intact, and that probably is enough for keeping focus.