أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

few days back, when Ramadan started, got a simple message from one of my beacons, surprised me how much i relished reading it. hearing from someone with whom i have deep connections, ya Rabb i wish i could have that kind of visitation more often.

it isn't an easy thing to maintain distance when there exist avenues for their shortening, but my Creator has taught me often about waiting for that which i seek. sometimes the immediate pressures and intentions of worldly nature obscure that seeking, but it's always there, ever present in the blood, red as it runs, like when the Moon is clearest on nights without clouds. 

as for Ramadan itself, had my usual early impression of its layering upon layer of imprisonment, but after discussion with a fellow 85er, alhamdulillah i was able to dissolve the momentary dissonance and simply accept the nature of life and fasting together, my solution? submission after all. it is the backdrop of the slave, always the place upon which i have to stand, remembering to look down, see where it is i truly am. 

i won't get to write as many words as i wish, whether for time or occasion preferring silence, for the ones who now situate in my Sky. they are precious, my beloved of various origins and colors and backgrounds. some have visited the ocean, others know not it even exists, but for me, in my mind's sight, i have seen roads untraveled between them and i, paths i know for certain i would love to take in their company. so they become part of my fabric, a tapestry, a Pattern, accentuated goals as gems adorn the horizon. 

ya Rabb, forgive them, aid them towards You, and never let us be lost, ameen

On the other night

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

not too many nights like this, where skies empty of clouds and moonlight touches every inch of landscape, but it's a beautiful moment, in the midst of so many answerless questions. could say the effort of attempting is as draining as a tornado over water, funnelling away the substance, ever enveloping with pressure, can't control the weather, pleas to the Maker as arrows fallen quickly out of their quiver, deflation the reoccurring wind for the seeker of stillness, this life and its vampiric nature, can't understand how typical people survive much less the ones oddball and composed of dimensions non-money, non-linear. 

over this past year, i grasp less and less of my beloved, can fathom no equations to resolve the distance, silence poses an ever increasing stockpile of questions, among them one might ask, how is the caring still worth it, when the future of Tomorrow becomes a vision by the demands of dunya slowly blurred into the ether? it's as if thought of the Garden and its attainment is simple and easy, while finding a place of work and belonging at present is a mountainous task, so many peaks to scale but such little equipment. 

~

what price would any sane person pay to end the distance? what decisions would he make to dial down the questions, have only in front of him his beloved to gaze in? one of the most predominant conclusions i reach over and over, that i remain insufficient, yet the aid of my Rabb is a twinned edge blade i wonder which way He'd have it twist, whether when it's just reaching my fingertips or right when i think i've mastered His tests? 

truth is, programming is not the template of my nature, just an extension i felt i could take because it held something of wonder, potential, artistry in diction meant for machines to execute with precision. somehow, if i'm to survive this choice, to choose my career's direction, i'll have to internalize it at some even deeper level, keeping ever expanded the mental limits, of learning and dots forever connecting. 

not so dissimilar this is, from waiting to see you again. every once in awhile, wish i'd been purely selfish, not coded and guided in principles, perhaps sooner feel your touch for the first time ever. but, i don't want you for just an instant, not just for a night or series of breaths no matter how exhilarating and ecstatic, but rather...i want you Forever, eternally tethered, fully, unbounded, unfettered, to share and relish every measure of love hand in hand with learning of matter and exploration of creation beyond what our worldly senses once told us. 

alhamdulillah my Love of All Lifetimes. the journey is what it is, seeking from Him to be whole one Day iA.