أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ
If I were to sum up how my perspective has been shaped, in one sentence, I'd say: in this life, I've never been able to love as much or as long I sought to.
This existence has always shown me its inadequacy, and so my mortality reflects that facet (sometimes, too often). For the first few decades of life, the nature of the struggle was overcoming being alone, without my beloved or one whom I call my beloved, near. For the last few years, with my Gift and subsequent Sunlight emerging from the oceans, the struggle has taken a different shape: now, the daily battle is against the grind of life, working to earn and doing what I can to ensure their wellbeing.
I thought for a bit, that the nature of my struggle had changed too. But it hasn't; how I love my wife, deep as it is, is nowhere near my capacity or inner depths. The boundaries of language and culture and birthplace and circumstance and juxtaposed nature, all of which my Rabb decreed between her and I, means there is ALWAYS a limit to what parts of me reach her. And in concert, what parts of her can reach me. The eventuality of this, means living in a way that love can be shared, up to the point that it is understood, or up until the point its effect is shared or embraced. As one of my beacons once remarked of her journey, of parts of the self that remain unshared, or unshareable. I don't know the words in translation, though in the beginning, Translate was a very usually helpful app. But the limits of that become too clearly obvious over time. So I learned to rephrase and parse my thoughts, such that whatever I say is first ran through the filter of, whether it will be understood, and if not, how to accomplish that. It is a slightly-stifled existence, but it is still leagues better a blessing that the torment of solitude I'd known prior.
If I had a choice between having such a gift, or refusing it, I'd ever, always, accept. I don't mind a few mortal years of slightly gulfed understanding, because I know this place is not the sum of it all. One Day iA, the chance exists for her and I to truly touch each other's souls. And not just physically either, as tantalizing as that is. But for our natures to really curl up to one another and lay peacefully. This is among the visions I seek, a true melding, of a pair that I swear by Him, could not be more opposite in this life.
~
Some of my beloved have reinforced their silence and distance. Concepts and realities which I am utterly familiar with and which I deeply hate. But I know the limits of a slave, of my own human self, and though these limits frustrate me on the regular, I know why I submit. Ultimately, my time here will end, and some Eternity is to follow. Which type it is, what marvel or misery it holds, I cannot say, for myself. But the chance of full expression and resonance, unlimited and beyond brim, it remains precious to me. Salvation is a pitiful state if one had to savor it solo, bliss is only bliss if you can hold your beloved in your arms, and for some of them, make love as deeply as it's felt. That is the goal, a path towards Eternity, free of earthly shackle, containing only possibilities and their Reality. inshaAllah
