- in the name of Allah -
So, it's that time of year again. Ramadhan. The time of fasting, reflection, and a general flux amongst the Muslim communities worldwide as they search for ways to, at least, become better for this month.
My mental state, however, differs markedly from that. For the past 3 or 4 years, I've observed a somewhat disturbing trend of mine - to purposefully (or rather, lacking a reason/purpose) become more detached and somewhat reclusive than normal. What brings this about? I see the changes in my family most obviously, and it bothers me tremendously that people would say and do such pious things during this month that would otherwise, in any other month, be nearly cast away as meaningless. Do I have an internal revulsion to perceived hypocrisy, or am I just bogged down in a kind of laziness that encumbers the soul so it just doesn't feel like 'doing' anything anymore? As yet, I do not know the answer to this question. The drop off from Ramadhan compared to any other month is so large...I can't help but be entirely skeptical at the fate of mankind. That isn't to say the majority of my problem lies with other people. On the contrary, there is a significant internal difference, like a grandfather clock that decidedly moves slower during a particular time, but always inexplicably. People tell me to just go to the masjid more often during this month, and I wonder why they say something so simple. As of about a month or so ago, I actually started going on a more regular basis, alh, besides just for Jumu'ah. My reasons for going varied, but after embracing an acknowledged need for progress, I decided that the status quo could not remain any longer.
But this month...the rationality behind my behaviour eludes me entirely. I cannot fathom it, while my thinking just days prior was obvious gravitation towards being and becoming more deen-oriented and attending more prayers in congregation. So, it has to be something specific to Ramadhan that brings this supposed depression about. Why would the happiest month of the Islamic calendar shade its happiness from me? Is there perhaps an internal flaw in my thinking that requires re-evaluation? Is there a misunderstanding I have about what the month should mean for me? I pray it is not that I am destined to be of those deprived of mercy specifically in Ramadhan..insha'Allah. Truly, the question is there..but how am I to find its answer?
2 comments:
@ the last bit, being deprived of mercy.....is quite scary.
but perhaps your lapse during Ramadan is because your intentions were not sincere when you were actually going to Jummah?
Oh well, like I'd know anything.
But I can say that you shouldn't think too badly of people that recommend going to the masjid and doing good things more often during Ramadan, the fact is they're right to say so, even if they don't know exactly why. It's simply because the baraka is multiplied greatly for each fardh act you do, and each nafl act is worth that of a fardh, and it's quite possible to form good habits and get rid of bad ones.
We've always heard that shaitaan is tied up in Ramadan but in fact our qareen (companion from among the jinn) still stays with us. I used to wonder why in Ramadan I still get whisperings during the salat and forget which rakaat I'm praying. But after I learnt this fact, it became clear to me that the qareen's aim is to distract me and more so in Ramadan so that I may be deprived of Allah's mercy. This Ramadan seemed even harder at times because I seemed to be getting more annoyed at times and I couldn't understand why. But I was adamant to go for isha and taraweeh prayers and I managed to go for most of them except when I really couldn't.
I was trying my hardest to fight my nafs. In the end, inspite of a few set backs, I actually felt better during this Ramadan about my ibadah because it was more consistent than previous ones.
I think the key to getting rid of these "odd feelings" is to increase your remembrance of Allah (swt). It helps in softening the heart.
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