- in the name of Allah -

SubhanaAllah. Didn't quite expect to know a place like this. Then again, a year and half ago, didn't expect I'd ever marry either. Now thoughts and consequences drift to not being married any longer. I wish I could say there was some emotion worth having in regards to the person involved, but there isn't. What truly digs at me though, what I fear the most, is the possibility that I may be leaving behind something Allah wanted good for me in. The only issue is, by every mortal lens I have, by every human judgment I can make, there is precious little truly good there in the relationship that is worth trying to hang on to. 

Suffice it to say, the current eventuality is what the person needed I didn't have, the bipolarity and extreme reactions to so many things, such narcissism to make a person cringe, erased any potential that I could have found emotionally, leaving just an utter and wholly repulsive taste in the mouth. Whatever good one hand might make, the other hand would destroy. 

The decisive step is for me to make Istikharah. Innately wary and reluctant to do so for a long time, but in my evolving, I figure I had better brave that too iA: the unknowable, trying to move forward with only human knowledge at hand, uncertain if there was a path worthy of being taken there that would lead me closer to Allah ultimately. iA I'll find one who wants to seek Him too.