- in the name of Allah -
sometimes a figment, sometimes a phantom, ever-weary of the road, so oft it's travelled. for normal people what might seem like depressions, for me become a cause for the lost heart submersed at the bottom of oceans. fading so deep I can't hear its beating, body alive as echoes of pulse, but like I'm dispossessed in my own limbs, watching this ghost move and follow through the motions. the heart has always been my center, around which revolves all my being, an axis serving as lens and interpreter, so when it feigns death in nonexistence all I can feel is the shadow of nothing without even a shudder. this organ, if whole then the rest is sound and noble towards its End and goal, but yet when absent or estranged, this organ leads the rest of me towards dissolution and decay; so how can I keep it going, keep its ticking apace even when life or time try to take their toll, even when against me my self becomes an enemy avowed, open to behold?
my recourse as ever is Allah, though in such moments I can "want" scarcely anything, so life forges forward, as though frozen and merely in hibernation, a living death not quite as dramatic when the ice's age by qadr alone is sublimated. duas would be beloved, returned by angels and my Rabb many fold.