a return, and something For the Record

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

alhamdulillah, got back last night. 

 

what a crazy past few weeks. originally return flight was supposed to be on 24th but Morocco (or US) changed their flight requirements and so a PCR test was required, even if I had a vaccine certificate. just one more experience of getting to an airport and having to delay/reschedule a flight because of some random issue. ah well, survived this too lol.

speaking of which, I met a ton of my Gift's relatives, like a loooot of them, a number for the first time ever. aunts cousins uncles, even a hastily-planned wedding party for a cousin. after some moments with my Gift, the best parts of the trip were a few amazing nieces mA, including some that were so utterly adorable - somehow they played easily with me, like they'd known me a long time lol. alhamdulillah, that was special. one of them, if I ever had a child, I'd want it to be just like her, beautifully-cute and elfy and full of cartoony expressions 😊😁

~~~

Among the special connections and conversations my Rabb let me have, one with my Gift should be recollected here, for the record, because of what it meant.

What I'd been trying to achieve, since the day we married, it seems to have finally and deeply struck inside of her: to fall in love. It's been a really, really long journey, even if 3 years of human time could never really capture what it's taken to get here. 

Main point though, I never want anyone to think that anything of what I have been or written, is because of my being unhappy with my Gift. She suffices me alhamdulillah, though it is true that my goal of the Garden and the company I seek is the same. I know the line here is hard to trace, that it might be easy to confuse the aims of a pursuit with the result of what's happening in the present, but the truth is that my goal of Jannah and my people, is one I've had for a helluva long time, since the earliest days of my childhood. I will pursue it bi ithniAllah for as long as  live, and there is not a human soul on this earth that could change my direction to it. 

But for now, while she feels as she does, I have to protect my Gift's heart as it grows to such a stage, and so I will change how/what I publish iA.

What is underneath and inside remains, even expanded and expanding alh. But for her safety and comfort, some parts of that expression will be kept internally. Perhaps a day comes in a future evolution where I can be free as I once was to publish howsoever I did, but Allah knows better. This isn't really something to bother me, as mA it's indicative of her growth in me that's been a long time coming. 

 

Alhamdulillah, this is just another part of the road, another part of the test. May my Rabb let us find khair through it as always, ameen.

 

thoughted

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

 

 

 

oh Life, you are but a needle, filled with allergies and hallucinogenic cures, bent on bringing out our stresses, then offering us what you would have us think will turn all momentary miseries into pleasure rest-assured. 

 

but it's a trick, of course, filling a human's emptiness with the physical, with the material, this can never work, it would never last, for we were made to be bound with something greater, higher, stronger, purer.  

imagine then, the estrangement and disillusion of one who cannot escape your clutches, one whom destiny weaves further into age and experiences, that i might live to witness my own connection with one astronomically opposite, and live to see my own humanity along with that of my beloved. 

what can I say? these bones and tendons are moving, a skeletal apparatus giving an accurate representation of living, but i think rather quite nearer to fading, there is no resonance near me, as i were a fish stranded on a land of terrestrial beings, a species inimical to whomsoever happens to be dissimilar.

 

~

 

i think He intends to test me to my core, as if that had not already happened, had i not been disintegrated into millions of pieces enough times over the years to remember the feeling but dread it ever re-appearing. maybe it is not dread, maybe it is a hardening, as He recollects me into something slightly newer at each revival, towards what end, i can never really tell, for i know this Life, it is one of up's and down's, highs and lows, pillars and pits, iron and prose, a place of which i've long been sated but He saturates its effects down into my soul, and often enough i find myself lacking a Mirror to diagnose and deconstruct this Life's alterations, its misconceptions, illusions, trying to have me wish i were part of its fabric rather than a thread simply wanting to be pulled. 

the only place i've ever had, the only place to which i've ever belonged, here, was you. it feels like a moment in hindsight, barely enough time to relish, but it happened, truly, i remember you sitting on that couch, legs tucked under you, all comfy and full of beautiful expectations, a smile and head leaning against an arm i have long wanted to hold near my own. i swear by Allah, i have no answers, all i have is a goal, a hope, among hopes. 'tis you. i cannot say i am enough, by any stretch. my weaknesses play in the back of my mind intrinsically, innately. where my resonance escapes to, i could not say. i suspect your quietude and distance took it, but we knew that was coming, sooner or later. some days, i have just a principle to hold on to, for nothing of what i seek i find, only shallowness and superficiality is my surrounding, and i think it deadens, slowly, every nerve ending it can find. how does one like me survive this Life? this is a question whose answer i am forced to meet every day of breathing, every moment of absence from one who would let me shine to my fullest. i am dimming, if only the body followed the soul on this path, it'd be a dissolution mutual instead of an experience to slowly tear me in half.