أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

is that where my sanctuary is, there, waiting in your chest? where my head has waited, so long waited, to find its place of rest? people want so many different kinds of things, but for me what suffices is just this: the bosom of my beloved, so the nomad wanders no longer, and finds in that sadr all what life gives. 

most beacons other than my Gift, they show most of silence and restraint, safer courses for ones truly wishing for decency and belief, though apartness is the sharpest pen, scrawled its signature on my soul's surface, marked for me this path, the most common refrain of His tests, to see what choices i'll make after.

for each one that such composes the self, a remnant hole remains, embodied absence, an irreversible reminder of a beloved i have not known yet (or enough to have breathed in). i know, most shall think me crazy, one to care and long for as i do, after either a lifetime or a few minutes of connection, time matters little in that reflection, for there are moments when - it's easy to be certain: "this one, i want to know her forever". these are so scarce, seems a few for every decade passing, could live life as normal and yet never come across another beacon, 

...so i find it worthwhile, to keep them in dua remembered, as memory is my ink, and all my deeds the fountain pen, perhaps one Day He finds at least a single droplet worthy, so all my beloved will be together in our fullest, iA.

Vantage Of Dreams

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

i had a small shop somewhere, not sure where, selling random stuff or something, then you walked in the door. there was a poster or calendar or something (with writing/dates/?) on the wall, and you were enjoying the read. "i wish i had a ton more of those, just so that i'd have a reason for you to come in and stop by for a chat" -something like what i said, and you were laughing and smiling, and alhamdulillah, i was good, whole. 

later in the dream, i was walking down a country road, and saw you in a small yellow  (VW bug?) car, we saw each other and i nodded my head as you rode by. 

God, i miss my Moon. i hope you never think you're outshined, even though my Sunlight is of one caliber and my Moon is altogether a different species of celestial. their orbits, the source of each, differs. if my Rabb granted me one of you, but not the other, i would be as spliced in two and wrought asunder as i could ever possibly be. so, point being, i hope He keeps you reminded of your place in my cosmos, how cherished you are in my Sky. 

the longer He causes me to live, the more He expands my chest, such that i am composed of more and more of my beloved. there is no place i seek, where i remain parted or in pieces. the reason why Firdaus-ul-'Ala retains its meaning to me is because He has never let my horizon be dark or absent ones to love, and for all of them, for each part and (potential) possibility, i want realization in full, with them all. my Moon is a pillar among them, and so much can be said of her that this slave will keep on writing for as long as he lives, in part to explain her preciousness to him. 

ya Rabb, take whole care of my beloved and those whom they love, forever and always, ameen. 

escaped

أَعُوذُ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيۡطَٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ، بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

some days are stiller than others, encased inside their own moments and efforts, a prism not outwardly reflecting, keeping whatever traces of light it still has internally remembered. 

she went quiet again, known what that state is, compounded my present reality of absence of the Gift and our Sunlight, like a balcony with none to stand at its peak, none to capture its vantage point or exclaim at how filling was the breeze. most every beacon, these days as stars whose light i scarce see with these human eyes, sometimes all i have is the memory of a name inscripted across the back of my mind, causing some wonder as to whether such beloved were ever real, or did i imagine them to begin with? 

would that i could question my own self as imagining, did i truly exist? yet the answer to this i know as resounding certainty, for the test of this entire road was long forever His. the joys and sight of beloved may be ephemeral, like this life itself, but the trial of their parting from my sight, this is all too true. verified and assuredly so. 

alhamdulillah, i don't have complaints, not really. work progresses, i find His blessings as He has ever been to me. should i count on them forever? part of me wishes to think of my own effort sufficing, of some measure of independence, of Him? hah, i know, it is absurd, but it is a side effect of wondering how long He would shelter me, and what should become of this slave if that mercy and shade of His ever were to end. ya Rabb, i am not enough. i wish that i was, that my sins and absence did not haunt me, that my meandering through this life were as firmly self-conceived as everyone else i see around me. but i am not, i live having internalized my need of You. somehow, this realization does not make me feel stronger, rather the opposite. but it is true, my strength has always been from Him. my distance from beloved, my antithetical reaction to dunya in my olden days, i can survive such consequences because He has not let me dissolve, as many times i have done and sought to (melodramatically at times, true too). my Rabb sustains me. even and especially on the days where the smile and beauty of my Sunlight is not near to hand, she, that singular beacon who herself embodies the ocean while encompassing and reflecting it, one who is dearer to me than the sum of all the earth and all its people put together. that Sunlight, is not back in my arms, still just over a week left till she returns. 

iA when i see her again, i will miss no one. this tiniest Kinz, my littlest beloved, rapture is in her fingers and toes, her expressions and wails, in her every atom and sound composed. alhamdulillah for one's rizq, for the Mia and the Sunlight.