- in the name of Allah -

For the first time in many years, I can recall avidly missing the month of Ramadan. Though I spent less time in it doing extra good deeds than I should have, I let my heart remain open enough that I could see and internalize at least a bit of the light that comes with the month. Now that the most peaceful month of the year has passed, the layers of shelter return. 

Recent difficulty communicating with a close friend of mine has given me cause to wonder just what use I can find for friendships in life. While I love family and hold them dear without question or impetus, those outside this small circle seem more frivolous. Since I no longer feel obligated to fit into anyone else's standards or puzzles of who they think I am or aught to be, I sense a change in the air when I am around them. It is as if I can find little common ground because that which they value and espouse is not quite the same as mine. I disdain small talk in general, except with people I care about, so the only conversation that I love is talking about big things, philosophical things that few people on average care about or could be reflective enough to carry opinions of. As I reach this plateau of realization that not many people tend to think as deeply, or value such thought, I find myself surprisingly accepting of the resulting "alone-ness". I would normally say 'loneliness', but that implies a desire for company without it being found, whereas in my case that is slowly no longer becoming the case. As I proceed, I find that personal strength and fortitude is even more important than it was before. As always, I have my Rabb (Lord) to rely upon when difficulties are faced, and a constant backdrop to any state I may be in. My family, alhamdulillah for them, have been there for me as well as ever. 

It might be that in such cases people end up evolving out of friendships, as they themselves change and how they view and accept the external world into their lives. If people change all the time, does it not follow that their relationships would also change as well? I think it is a fair assumption to make. It saddens me a bit, but the best course of action seems to be only to fit pieces into a puzzle, my puzzle of life, that fit there - not trying to force any round pegs into square holes. All of these preceding thoughts, it should be noted, seem to stem from one of my principle desires: that of wisdom. I sometimes wonder if it was a good idea to ask Allah to increase me in it, while I am yet still in my 20's and not close to the kind of age typically associated with it (maybe 50's, 60's+). Alas for circular questions lol. All is well though, alh. I know there is risk in such a thing, and though I love my vision to be always expansive, there is at times a price to be paid along with such expansion: the things and peoples once loved become re-examined under a different light, and sometimes the only way to truly find/see something is to shine a light over it that actually reflects the goal being sought, instead of simply being glossed over.  

And here I was, thinking to let out some thoughts poetically. iA, that will follow soon.