- in the name of Allah -


Among the many things in life one accepts, there are always two sides to a coin. In my younger days, as I have written of them many times since, I made many duas (supplications) to Allah in regards to one I wanted to marry. Of everything I have ever asked, of everything I had ever wanted, nothing was as striking and deeply felt as those prayers were. 

At first glance, from everything I have posted here and other places and written, it might seem that those duas were unanswered, that the heart as a vessel was emptied and nothing received in return. This is untrue, and I must clarify, inaccurate. Almost every single time I prayed for her back then, it was in conjunction with a prayer not just for 'us', but for her individually. That is, I would ask Allah that He guide her to that path which is best for her, both in dunya and akhirah, that she be lead on this path even if it was not with me. Maybe I had overlooked this aspect, maybe I had been convinced that earnest love was enough to alter the shape that destiny might make over a being's future. This was not the case, it was my error. Among all the things I do not understand, it is distinctly possible and plausible that Allah did indeed answer my duas, only not in the way I'd longed for. It may have been, and my state at the time attested to it, that we were not a good fit at the time for various reasons. To allow the one you love to walk away, knowing that she has a better immediate future elsewhere, and maybe a better eventual future as well, is just...painful. 

As I've said before, it never hit me all at once. It hit me slowly, like shards of glass, slowly, slowly breaking until I could no longer feel or recognize the parts of me that had faded. More recently, I have been able to feel the pain again, to know that I exist, because I can feel that pain. But the point here is not to dwell on the pain or absence. It is to assert that Komal found exactly the road Allah intended for her, exactly the road for her that I'd prayed for, that as painful as losing one this way is, it did not happen simply randomly or because I did not care enough or anything like that. The meaning I attempt to draw, is that even if this road was not for my sake, even if it would not quell the tempest of my own soul, it nonetheless did/would have/will iA quell the tempest of hers.

Ya Rabb, make this sufficient for me, make her path bright and clear, and allow me the gift of knowing her again in the next life, ameen.