- in the name of Allah -


I walked outside earlier this evening, felt so uniquely strange. Like, it'll be one of the last times I see the night sky the same way, like it's one of my final moments. Odd how marriage can change perspectives so rapidly isn't it? I have next to no idea what awaits at the end of this tunnel, how my world view will be thrown to chaos and go through a thousand different metamorphoses before I see clearly again (so I think, this is just supposition I know nothing of what to expect). 

Past few days have been somewhat difficult to reckon. My past I've accepted, that I'm good with alhamdulillah. It's the future that I am still battling in my head. I don't think fear is at the root, though of course there is some element of the unknown that leaves me very, very unsettled. It is more that this road I've chosen, these events that are happening, are an acquiescence to the cosmic construct of life that I have been opposed to for so long. I was never really fond of fate/destiny/predetermination, these terms really mean nothing in context of human lives and understanding. We can only see so far, realize only so much, until we reach a point past which there are only questions. It is fair to say my fate has been chasing me for many years, almost literally. Now that it has me within its jaws (maybe I've been stuck in its teeth awhile, but you know how rebels like to carry their delusions? well I had to keep mine too), the next step coming seems like yet another curtain closing, another casting call that my true choice could never factor in to. This is the reality known as the will of Allah. Sometimes, many times, it is never pretty, it is physically or emotionally or psychologically gruesome. But the drums of time keep beating, despite whatever callouses we suffer. I'll never be fond of my own creation, my own steps into a world and body designed to oppose the best of things. But it is acceptance of this predicament I will try, iA, to find. Were it my own choice, I'd long since have extricated my self from this prison. But it isn't my choice, it never was to begin with. I am a product of a system I can scarcely fathom, leading me down a road I can barely see a few steps in front of. But I can never be wholly free of that, it was not my doing after all.

Yep, there is peace in this acceptance. But there may never be congruence, full alignment of my being with the realities of this life. I hope this remains the case, for it were to pass then I too would reflect the insanity and violence and hatred and self-delusion and indulgence that this world precipitates, like acid rain on an otherwise sunny day. Those are not things I would ever choose to internalize, to make part of my being. It's the soil of earth I have to walk on, yet I hope not to let it trip me up, lose sight of my own reckoning for reasons foolish and shortsighted. May my Rabb help me and sustain me on this essence, that I retain my belief no matter which way the world turns, ameen. However, I cannot stop there. Concern has to be retained for all humanity, for the community of Muslims around the globe that call on the same Rabb. No matter where I am, no matter how much I want to isolate myself, my duas have to include them. That's the only way I can ever justify how little I am with the immensity of what I've been given.