بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

From a few months ago:

12/27

oh Self, be not villain to my aims, assassin in the night, politician by day, as you try to warp all light, leaving me but suffocated. Was so simpler then, not so simple now, as “wife” becomes antibody + antigen, both pill and poison for which the willing drown. I can’t splice these veins, though I wish I could, show you how the bleeding bled, not in drops of blood or things so red, but the Need of a heart unmet. Do I speak still to my nafs, or has the audience shifted? Like a tumbled weed in deserts arid, listless, these things considered over and over, a tree yearning for its roots to find relief in soil full of life and meaning. Of a coin, one side madness and the other love, here I am oh Rabb, nearly chopped to pieces or burnt for firewood, I could not speak of -[unfinished]

- - - 

alhamdulillah, progression comes, always the price, everything there to give, to keep steady the march, onward through this life. wish at times, I'd glimpse more of my Future's hand, as we walk in stride, towards a meeting destined as the sun and its setting. all is well, whatever is found, His gifts He chose to give, that I might keep my sight, only upward bound.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

the Shore in your eyes, for now just reflection, soon the time for it arrives, calling your heart the Home it's always been missing. whether the echoes i hear are ample or few, if ever my waves are to move, maybe from being a bit too still, then so long as the one standing there is you, i find all of me contented, in a moment's treasure, wrapped up by my Muse.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

If I were to encapsulate my entire being into a single notion, it would be the seeking of eternal love, from especially my Rabb and those beloved to me. There is something inside of this drive that pulls deeper and goes farther than anything else in life. Though I sometimes wish to the contrary, He keeps me sustained through times I wish I could let go and be let go of. Gratitude, for sure, but there is a certain value to the knowledge that I am His, through thick and thin, through better and worse, no matter the weather, He has me kept. At times this is cause for happiness, at others cause for resignation to continuing to exist, because I know He will not let me end until my purpose is complete, until I have done for my beloved all that He would have me do. I would never mind the journey, were I permitted to find that most precious fuel (love) in steady supply, but every now again there come moments where it seems I am so, so far from the ones I care for, that the heart is less than so many grains of sand. And so, in those states particularly, therein is my test, to not cease being slave to my Rabb, to not cease being there for those who may need me, no matter if my own internal state finds its resonance or not. Even if this life should never bring me my mirror, the hope persists that in the Next is where He permits our every surpassing joy to find, iA.

A spark for your Flame

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

kindling

from 4.11

earlier today, as before it's been, when everywhere else in life, things looked a little dim, it was your moments of silence, reminding me a bit, of why I started this journey at its beginning. the reason is simple, plain as ice on the peak of a mountain, for merely the chance, to find you at road's end, the twin who mirrors in whole my essence. your passion runs in your veins, hiding in the color-red, reveling in that which is worthy of chase: ideals and dreams and love, what this life could never erase. your fitrah is noble, allow it its grace, always willing and always able, to find with its Rabb your place. our souls need a chance to breathe, not the smog of dunya, but the fresh wind of ascending belief, lifting us higher beyond the rarest of airs, as we inhale the deepest blessings, among those for whom He always cared, was always protecting.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Yesterday, for the first time ever, the mind bridged two very distinct, very different parts of life: expression of the abstract self in terms of Java code. 

While I was considering what it might take for my Gift to understand me, I realized that very few people alive knew how to call the function/method/constructor 'KnowMe( )', so it did not matter if she ever learned to parse my language or not. My expression would continue to cross all kinds of metaphorical boundaries, and the only thing she'd ever need to remember is that I'd love and give her everything I have/am for as long as I live. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Once again, a wave of quietude has settled over me. Attempting to retain shukr, alhamdulillah it's been easier as I keep the realization of how much my Rabb has given me. There exist no complaints for me to speak of, for somewhat of a change. Even the absence of what I long for, means little in this moment, as I refined my need to simply Allah and nothing more. He has always put together khair for my road in this life, in ways that I finally understood yet remain aware that there is no end to the depth of His kindness towards me. I marvel at how anyone could not see how they have been gifted, but then I can speak for no other. It is only my own observation and cognition that I can give voice to, and His favors are plainer than daylight to me, from the beginning of me through this very second. I have always been His, belonged to Him so completely that it precedes even my own humanity, while I was yet a soul without body. The struggles I face are tiny compared to the galaxies of blessings given, and so, even on a day when the ocean is still, appearing frozen, there is no wish for the storm, no wish for the wave, as the moment for it to go forth will come, in time, with His permission.